What am I hanging on to? I’m with someone who says that he has ADHD, but a lot of the time it just feels like he doesn’t care. I have told him that I’m very sensitive emotionally, that my environment induces stress if it’s not looked after properly and that I am hyper vigilant about inconsistencies. To put it basically.. I don’t feel safe if I can’t fully lean in to my person emotionally and count on them to help look out for my mental well being. If they contribute mess to what I’m trying to keep clean.. it’s infuriating. I’ve told my someone, nicely, that I really have a hard time relaxing in a space that is messy and cluttered and all I want to do is just organize it and clean it. I’ve asked them to please step it up. They told me that they didn’t want me feeling stressed and that they would try harder. So, I wait to see that in action before I take it to heart. Little changes. The frustration I feel on the inside, starts to manifest on the outside. I communicate the fact that I don’t feel like he cares about me, and my mental state, because I don’t see him making an effort like I asked. He tells me he feels like I’m coming down on him and that it’s not fair how I’m treating him. I tell him that I feel like if I had wanted children, then I would’ve had some of my own and that I did not want to finish raising anyone’s child for them. I told him that you have to continually remind a child to pick up after themselves. I basically told him that he wasn’t acting like a man. This caused a fight, and didn’t solve anything, really. I was just hoping that he would see my frustration and thought it would hit home that his inaction was affecting me. It’s not fair. I’ve seen him, when he felt like it, get to cleaning on his own. It’s not often, but it gives me hope that he will reach a routine that I can count on. There’s hardly a routine in this man’s life. It would seem like he’s a lazy person who just wants to, “check out,” on Reddit all day. He’s called himself lazy but dare call him lazy and he’s so offended. I’ve never had to have this much patience for a grown man. I want a partnership but it’s just not coming through in the way that I want. He says, “I told you I was messy,” and, “you knew I had these struggles,” but did he seriously think that I’d be okay living in that mess with him? He tells me to just tell him to do something and that he will do it and not to get authoritarian on him. I have told him, though.. I have. He suggested a chore chart. He makes lists for himself and even forgets. I’m tired of feeling like I’m sinking further in a hole that I’m trying to dig my way out of. I’ve been in a relationships before with men who’ve struggled with Asperger’s and Bipolar, and while they both had their own unique struggles, ADHD is maddening. I don’t know what part is ADHD and what part is a man that simply doesn’t want to change for the better. So I ask, what am I hanging on to?
So Frustrated : What am I hanging on to... - CHADD's Adult ADH...
So Frustrated
What are you asking here? It seems you have no understanding of ADHD and the challenges that go with it. That's understandable, as are your frustrations, but if you want to continue a relationship with "your person" it is up to you to learn about these things and work out together how you can best overcome these difficulties. There are plenty of books and online resources.You say you want a partnership but it sounds like you just want him to do everything your way, which he can't. Try learning about ADHD and exploring strategies together. Some will work, some won't. Sometimes strategies will stop working and you have to try a new one.
ADHD IS maddening, not least to the person who has it and faces constant criticism like this throughout their lives. If you can't find the patience and compassion to deal with this, walking away will be better for everyone.
He’s not the only one dealing with a mental condition. I also have my own struggles, which he knows about. Depression, anxiety and PTSD are what I deal with. Sometimes it’s hard dealing with my stuff and, more or less, being expected to deal with his stuff too because he is forgetful. I am learning about ADHD. Will he learn about my depression, anxiety and PTSD? Will he meet me half way? Only if it interests him. If he doesn’t then it feels like he doesn’t care, and that’s why I ask, “what am I holding on to?”. I’m looking for a silver lining. It feels like I’m the only one keeping this all together. I deserve to have someone who’s willing to put in just as much as I am. It’s the thought that counts, when he tries, but it’s to an extent. Action is what helps me feel safe, seen and understood. Thank you for your comments. I don’t expect him to change, and I will work with him until we can find something that sticks. I know it’s not all about me, and my needs, but he gets his needs met by me regardless of my own mental struggles. It’s not all about him either.
What I'm reading here is all about how he's not helping YOUR mental health by doing things the way you "need", yet you don't seem to have much in the way of compassion for his mental situation.
I have a lot of compassion for what you're saying, because I too feel extremely unsettled and anxious if things aren't neat and organized, and if there is clutter it feels like it's cluttering up my mind. However, since that's what YOU need for your mental health, then take responsibility for giving that to yourself - don't put that on him. You can't just say, "Here are my needs, meet them."
I agree with Magpie26, and right now you are doing damage to your partner whether you intend to or not. All your communicated disappointment and criticism over him not being neat enough for you is the kind of crap we've heard all our lives.
We're NOT lazy, we struggle with executive dysfunction which is actually physiological and is vastly different from laziness. Would you be mad at an epileptic for having a seizure? I would assume not. We are CONSTANTLY trying to fight our brain - trying, trying, trying to do what everyone expects us to WHEN everyone expects us to - but when your brain won't cooperate, when your memory isn't what neurotypical people are used to, when every little thing distracts you, and a million things are running through your head at once - sometimes it's difficult to remember to do 'all the things'. Try reading with about 15 people talking to you at once and maybe you'll understand what it's like for us inside our heads.
If you really want this to work with your partner, spend some time actually learning about ADHD. I mean, really dig into it. Learn not only 'what' an ADHDer struggles with, but also 'why'. If you can fully grasp why we are the way we are, then you either have compassion for us and work with us, or we're not a good fit. We REALLY want to be able to do things the way neurotypical people do - if for no other reason than it'll spare us from the criticism and labeling - and we'd love to be able to do it at will. It just doesn't work that way for our brains.
A partner isn't there just to meet your needs. There wasn't anything in here about solutions or strategies that you have tried to put into place to help him, it's all criticism and about what you need that you're not getting from him. What about what he needs? A partnership is supposed to go both ways. What can YOU do to help him perform the way you're asking him to perform? Have you asked him if there's anything you can do to help him remember?
In my opinion, you either accept the person as they are and love them in spite of forgetting to pick up the clutter (not to say you can't be annoyed) - or they're just not the person for you. Stop trying to change him to accommodate your needs. Either accept him - and his need for improvements - or let him go so he can find someone who accepts him as he is.
I do have compassion for him, and his struggles with ADHD, but a person can only take so much. I only have so much patience. I’m not an inexhaustible well. That’s some unicorn that doesn’t exist. I want him to be able to, at least, meet me half way. I have asked him what would help, and he suggested a chore list. Maybe we will start with that. We’re also going to do some couples counseling. I struggle feeling appreciated. I don’t feel like I’m in an adult, mature relationship. I know it’s not entirely his fault either. Not everything is because of ADHD. I feel like he gets to pick and choose when he wants to be present in this relationship and I’m expected to just know when he wants to, “tune out,” or not be bothered. I’m just really REALLY struggling with holding it all together. Especially now, when I’m basically the bread winner, the house cleaner, the meal planner and so on.. on top of my own struggles with depression, anxiety and PTSD. It would feel great to be taken care of for once. He’s been out of work since February and he sees no immediate need to find any other kind of work than the kind of coding jobs that he’s had in the past. He told me that he was once out of work for six years. I told him that I would not stick around and wait for that to come to pass. I want an equal.
Let me start off by saying I am grateful for your post and the responses which are helpful to me. I understand you as I am in the same position as you, with the relationship being my sister with undiagnosed ADHD. I agree with the posts advising you to learn about ADHD. I’ve seen videos and joined this group to help me understand my sister’s behaviors. I will also say patience is a challenge.
Thank you for your comments. 
I'm going with the consensus here that you may be part of the problem in your partnership. Your frustrations are very real, but your solution to them is for your partner not to have ADHD. Yes, that's exactly what you're asking for. "Don't be your way, do it my way." You're justifying your own position, asking others who have ADHD to tell you how to change your partner to meet your needs. I don't see much hope for this relationship, and you will probably be the one who has to end it, because he probably can't due to his ADHD.
You ask which part is just ADHD and which part is his unwillingness to change for you. There's the problem. It's all ADHD, all of it, all the time. It's a 24-hour a day condition affecting 100 percent of his life. He could no more change it than turn his eyes a different color or grow six inches taller. ADHD is not a choice, it's a neurological condition.
My advice is to let the poor man go, and find a partner with a better fit. And consider learning about being a good partner to another imperfect human before you put another man through jumping through hoops to meet your needs. Your own issues won't be solved by finding the right man, but by working on your own mental health, preferably with a professional.
So I just accept that he can’t meet my needs while I continue to meet all of his?
No. You accept he cannot meet your needs your way, and instead of punishing him for that, find a way not to compete with him over who's the better partner and change the one thing you can change in this world - yourself. You have not said one thing so far that suggests you aren't the victim here. Trust me and the others here that making you miserable is not on his list of priorities. If he could just stop ADHD, he would. So look to yourself to set up a relationship that meets your needs, with yourself, for yourself. Then you may find a partner you actually like and respect, instead of the one who can't live up to your standards. This man isn't a project for you to whip into shape. Either accept him as he is for any good qualities you love in him, or release him.
Thank you to the others answering this persons rant. I dont come on here much anymore because of abusive posters like her. They come on here to rant & I have come to believe after seeing how similar the rants are, how they never ever do the minimal research it takes to understand what ADD is & how it affects a person, that some of them keep the afflicked person around so they can take out their own frustration & anger on them. Im sick of coming in here & hearing the same rain of abuse, its abuse not criticism, that I get from ppl just like her. It is damaging. I come here for help and she abusive cr@p from ppl like her. It is 100:1 women doing this ranting.
And another thing, these same people will also gaslight you into thinking you are a horrible person, & that you caused everything that goes wrong in a household, etc. And when youve made minor mistakes through a week or a day, its just one more thing to pile on you. Like ‘you did this this & that, you did that other thing too, on purpose!’ Sometimes it feels like the only way to stop this is to isolate yourself from everyone. Or even worse. This poster has a good idea of the damage she is doing to ‘her partner,’ she’s keeping him around to abuse for her own failings. These are the type of angry abusers who never take blame for anything, and having a person around with ADD is the perfect victim for them, a scape goat at the ready.
I feel like I'm suddenly fighting with a troll on Facebook in my safe space! I take every complaint and accusation she throws at her partner like the ones I've heard all of my own life. It's too bad that the platform doesn't search through for people like this and block them. But I can, and will continue to, tell them the truth about themselves - they are part of the problem, they can do something about their end, and often what they think is righteous anger on their part is abuse of the person who lives with ADHD.
I encourage you to keep it up, you do it well. I cannot handle it anymore. I cannot keep my scorn or anger at bay with these abusers anymore.
This organization is not just for people with ADD/ADHD. It’s also for those who have family members, or are in a relationships, with those who struggle with ADD/ADHD. We struggle in our relationships with those of you who can’t help having this condition. I take offense to being called a troll, and an abuser, when all I really came here for is help for myself. I am seeing that you all see your abuser in me but that is not what I am. To target me that way is unfair. To call me an abuser is abusive. You have no idea what my life is like. You have no idea what it’s like behind my closed doors. If I didn’t love this man then I would have thrown in the towel long ago. This isn’t a black and white situation. I realize there are things he can’t help but that doesn’t mean he can’t ever improve. Yes, I realize that it requires me to have more patience. Sometimes I fail, though, because I’m not perfect. Sometimes I don’t have enough patience. Sometimes the last thing I am able to do is muster compassion.I feel like I’m required to be a super human just so this relationship can work, and I’m stretched thin. I’m exhausted. I was hoping for help in learning some coping skills. It’s what I was trying to do by coming here. I didn’t intend to trigger any of you. I didn’t know I’d get such backlash. I thought maybe someone might know what I’m going through and offer some sound, helpful and compassionate advice. It feels like none of you have compassion for what I’m going through and are only capable of seeing through your own lenses. That’s okay. I clearly can’t see through yours. Give a person a chance to understand and learn first. I can’t help what’s happened to you in your own lives but I don’t deserve to have that taken out on me. I didn’t come in here exclaiming that people with ADHD suck. I came in here saying that I’m having a hard time in my life in my relationship and I don’t know what to do. I’m a human being too.
This particular forum is for people with ADHD to help each other deal with living in a world with people who don't have it - like you. You are still looking at your partner and ADHD from the perspective of a person who doesn't have it, and you are coming to a place where ALL THE OTHERS HAVE ADHD to try and get your needs met and understood because your own ADHD partner can't meet them. Please don't be surprised that other people with ADHD will be like your partner! I'm not abusing you, I'm telling you my truth from my ADHD perspective. Supposedly, that is what you came here to hear. But you don't like the answer you are getting, so you keep defending your own victimhood. What on Earth did you think you would get here?
CHAAD has over 250 conditions under its umbrella, some of which you claim. You will get the validation and help you are looking for in forums that speak to them. Don't come here and complain about ADHD to people who already struggle with it. Why is that so hard to understand? You essentially invaded our safe space. Yes, I will be defensive about that.
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