Hi everyone, I’m a 30-year-old female, and for about the past 10 years I’ve been struggling with what I thought was anxiety and depression. I went to therapy on and off, and last year was prescribed Lexapro for anxiety. It seemed like it maybe did a little bit for me, but it didn’t address a lot of the problems I was having. Fast forward to about a month ago, I was following up with the doctor that prescribed the anxiety meds, who is an endocrinologist. We were discussing my chronic fatigue, and he seemed to be of the opinion that it was depression related. I tried to explain to him that it wasn’t a lack of motivation or depressed feelings that were making me stay in bed or feel tired. I’ve had experience with the “emotional tired,” and it isn’t that, it was purely physical.
He decided to prescribe me Ritalin to help with the fatigue, and referred me to a rheumatologist based on some of my other physical symptoms, suspecting I may be dealing with an auto immune disorder.
The first time I took the Ritalin was in the morning, Expecting that it would perk me up a little bit hopefully like the doctor said it would. Well imagine my surprise when I ended up taking a nap shortly after. Over the next few days, I realized that the Ritalin wasn’t doing anything to help with my fatigue, but on the mental and emotional side, I just felt...better than I had in a while. So I started doing some research. I knew that for kids with ADHD, Ritalin was supposed to have the opposite effect on them. But that was basically all I knew, was the stereotype about hyperactive little boys. So that was pretty much my jumping off point, just seeing that the medication had the opposite effect on me than I expected.
I dived into a bunch of research, articles forums, everything I could find. And for the first time, it felt like everything suddenly made sense that hadn’t made sense before. Other people put into words the things that I never accurately could. It honestly brought me to tears more times than I could say. It was this overwhelming sense of not feeling alone anymore, that I wasn’t just lazy or selfish or a bad person like I feared deep down. I could now explain that the feeling I always had wasn’t actually anxiety at all, that’s just what I called it because I didn’t have a better name for it. I don’t find myself worrying about things excessively, or being afraid of nervous, it’s just that feeling of constant restlessness that gets overwhelming when I can’t let it out. And if I’m sad, it’s not because I’m depressed for no reason, it’s usually because the ADHD symptoms have caused me to do or not do some thing that I’m upset with myself for, and feeling like a total failure.
Long story slightly less long, the more I read the more I was convinced that I had been struggling with ADHD for a long time, but I had flown under the radar like so many girls do. I had just recently started seeing a therapist to try and work through some of the problems I was still having, so I called her and made an appointment to see what she thought. After I explained the situation to her, she took me through several “do you...”checklists , and everything was like yes, yes, definitely yes, absolutely yes, yes, yes and yes again. She said that based on what she could tell, she definitely thought that ADHD was a more appropriate diagnosis for me. She told me that she was happy to continue working with me, but that she wasn’t very well trained in ADHD, especially in adults.
I wasn’t supposed to see the doctor again for about another three weeks, but I called to make an appointment. I explained everything to him about how the Ritalin didn’t do what he prescribed it for, but that it made me feel better in a different way. His response was basically, “well duh, why do you think I prescribed it?” As if that had been his plan all along. And I was kind of dumbfounded and taken aback because his whole demeanor was basically, “so why are you here? I gave you the meds, it worked, what’s the problem?” Like all of this was old news, and I was the only one that was late to the party.
I got so frustrated and upset that I couldn’t even tell him all of the things that I felt like I needed to, or ask all the questions that I wanted to. I felt like I had a million questions. Is this an accurate diagnosis? Is this the right medication? Is this the right dosage? Should anything change about how or when I’m taking it since I’m using it to treat something entirely different now? But I just felt stupid and embarrassed, like somehow this was all so obvious already. But I knew that that wasn’t true.
He had previously prescribed me another medication to take daily for anxiety on top of the Lexapro. I tried to explain to him at this appointment that I didn’t feel like anxiety was really the problem, that’s just what I had been calling it because I didn’t understand what I was truly feeling. I asked him if there was a chance that I honestly didn’t need the Lexapro, that may be the Ritalin alone would do what he was trying to accomplish with the Lexapro. He told me I was just in denial, and that I needed to keep taking all the medications. I said I really didn’t want to be on a daily benzo, so he gave me a prescription for Xanax to take as needed. He said he didn’t need to see me again for four months, and that was that.
I left even more confused than when I went in, with even more questions, and embarrassed on top of it.
Since then I’ve been taking the Ritalin the way he prescribed, and still taking the Lexapro, but only taking the Xanax to try and help with my recent onset of REALLY bad insomnia. I feel like I’m on this crazy roller coaster. I have noticed some benefits, but I’m also struggling with some really bad side effects and I don’t know what’s normal or not. The only help I have had is from the Internet. The Ritalin has killed my appetite like none other, and I’ve lost at least 15 pounds in a few weeks. I’m having a horrible time trying to sleep, I’m getting these weird mouth sores and tongue pain which I just recently figured out I think is partly and due to having a really bad dry mouth all the time now, but it’s like my mouth just can’t get comfortable now if that makes sense, so I’m always rubbing my tongue against my teeth or biting at it.
Hyperfocus has always been an issue for me, when I get a project in mind that I want to do it is often near impossible for me to leave it alone. But now it’s particularly bad, but in a more zombie like state rather than my usual hyper active “go go go” state. I feel like I just lose hours lately, relentlessly scrolling through Amazon planning the things that I want to do to the point that I don’t even remember where I started, but I haven’t moved and I don’t even want to look anymore, but I’m still doing it. Then all of a sudden I’ll be in a frenzy of activity for a short period of time. Which isn’t necessarily abnormal for me, but the zoning out is.
From everything I have read, I’m thinking that the dosage I’m on is probably too high, but I would really like to get some guidance before I start changing things on my own. I feel like I’m just shooting fish in a barrel right now, and I don’t think it’s supposed to be like this. I really need somebody to be following along with me who is educated on what to do, but I don’t even know who that is.
If you’ve read this far, I really really appreciate it. I’m working on finding a professional in my area, but I’m kind of lost as to who I even need to be looking for. Any kind of guidance or support or words of encouragement are greatly appreciated right now. I’m feeling super down and totally overwhelmed, and I could really use some answers.
So what things are you thinking about changing?
Confused and hyper 
Newly diagnosed 26 year old mother
Still lost 
Medication outside the US
Medication help please...
