What am I looking for?

[Psnap]

So, to start I don’t like to be a part of groups. I don’t like to relate things about myself with others too much in these types of settings. So my apologies if I can’t make this light and breezy…or if it’s just some pointless rambling thing.

I’ve always been much better being an observer, a thinker, and whatever else people needed me to be. I easily wear a mask and can be a Chamaeleon. I have always found it easy to drop into situations and just as easily withdraw again without feeling much of anything about it. It’s not like I’m proud of it, or I feel it some gift or superpower. It’s just what I needed to do to survive.

The funny thing is that it’s all just a shield against being who I am. I’ve known this for a long time and tried to go through whatever kinds of strategies, mechanisms or therapies, etc. all with some degree of success.

I’ve gotten halfway through my life, depending on how long I live I guess, with the ability to know where I need to go, and what I need to do, but without really feeling present in what I’m doing, and I guess really without much direction. More, just like following wherever the breeze takes me, and dealing with whatever I find.

Recently I found myself back in ADHD land. I was diagnosed a decade or more ago, tried medication, wasn’t in the right mind frame, or life frame to understand what I needed from it, or wasn’t willing to go somewhere that I didn’t quite understand, so I abandoned the project and went on with life. The trouble with always going on with life is that life goes on. What you learn along the way, how you cope with things and the structures you’ve built to navigate through life just become what you are and you don’t know any better anymore.

Least to say, I began taking medication again, and I’ve had some insights into how deeply engrained those coping mechanisms have shielded me from living life in so far as they have helped me go through my daily routines and be “normal” in people’s eyes. When you’ve felt your whole life that you were different, and when those cracks showed to others, you’d have to seal them up, and mold yourself, so that you could fit in, forcing layer after layer upon yourself to become something acceptable. What I’m left with are the coping mechanisms that have built a monument that I feel so little about, and yet it’s the thing that I’ve put all my time and effort into in an attempt to feel a part of this life.

I have had one day in the week so far that I have taken medication that I felt completely free of all this. The funniest way I can put it is that I was chatty. I am never chatty. If I meet you on the street and you’re not in my inner circle of very few people I “know”, I will either try to avoid you or try and make the conversation as quick as possible so I can get the hell out of there. And yet on this one day I stopped for everyone, and I felt like myself, unforced and natural. The chaotic and ever present inner dialogues and critiques, the self-consciousness was like a single stream, and I felt like myself for the first time in as long as I could remember.

A few of the other days I had hints of this, which is reassuring. I am not sure if anyone else has had this type of experience. I don’t expect this to be a norm, or someplace to get to, but more like a hope that I can tap into a little more of that. It’s like anything you try and steer toward, thinking I’ve been down this road before. So often times it’s simply to escape where you are and you don’t know where you want to go, and often times you don’t know what you really want at all. So much of it has just been coping and not living life.

[rootcausesearcher]

Hey Psnap,

Welcome to the tribe! I'm new to the site myself. Other than being diagnosed only five years ago, I could have written the exact same thing myself! All of it, right down to the meds actually making me feel "right" once or twice.

I actually "acquired" a "sample" from a parent-friend of mine. Speed? Holy crap, I'll be bouncing up and down like a Jack Russell terrier on crack! Nope...rock solid. Focused, articulate, functional! The effect lasted about three hours. I got my dx, giving me a prescription for the "other blue pill" (the color of my generic stims). That worked for almost a whole week! That was five-plus years ago. Now, I only know they are working when I don't have any...like now. Thanks for nothing, supply chain issues!

It sounds like the masking and coping strategies keep you out of the ditch at least. You say, "The chaotic and ever present inner dialogues and critiques, the self-consciousness..." evidently has a label, "maladaptive negative thought patterns." I hate labels, but it gave me a keyword for search engines.

If you do YouTube, take a look at Andrew Huberman's video on ADHD. youtube.com/watch?v=hFL6qRI...(Not working as expected?) He also has the same stuff on his podcast, so if YouTube's tracking makes you uncomfortable too, hit his website directly...even better links to the transcript included here: hubermanlab.com/adhd-and-ho...

HTH, and cheers,

Joe

[Psnap in reply to rootcausesearcher]

Hey Joe,

Thanks for the kind words and connections. I’ll give Huberman a look.

[ADDandMe]

Wow, I loved reading your post. You’re so articulate and have a great way of expressing that which I have felt.

I’m earlier on in my ADHD journey - well in knowing I have ADHD at least…. But I too have always felt different and that my identity is different depending on the contexts. I often felt like others were a little indifferent to me… despite my efforts to connect. Perhaps they sensed the constant shape shifting of my personality- the people pleasing, which admittedly is not something I would want to buy into.

Yet like you, I somehow lost touch of the person beneath. My core self. Always hidden, imperfect and vulnerable. Maybe it’s time for both of us to deconstruct the monument? 🤔

The part where you talk about the inner dialogues really resonates with me. I’m exhausted my my constant inner commentary and analysis 🧐 🥱 😪 it’s like a perpetual search for answers that both bombards and paralyses me from getting done what I need to do in the practical 3D world! Your isolated description of that day on medication is what I long for. Are you just back on meds very recently? I’ve read that there can be a euphoric day or two at the start of administering meds that generally tapers off - is it this that you felt?

I experimented with amphetamines in my late teens - and I recall feeling a sense of calm and ease with the world that I’d never known before. I suppose therein lies the hope for me - if I eventually am prescribed some prescription meds of the same kind.

[Psnap in reply to ADDandMe]

Yes, definitely overdue on the monument tear down project. Hard when you can’t tell which is which though. Becoming aware of what’s you and what’s the thing propping you up or shielding you is hard to decipher sometimes, but it’s not hard to tell the hollow feeling it provides as much as it protects.

Just started meds so going through the motions of those changes. Some clear days, some muddled and one as i expressed that was very euphoric. it’s only been a week, so lots for the body, mind and spirit to figure out.

Good luck on your journey through.

[ADDandMe in reply to Psnap]

Yes I agree. I’m very confused about what’s me and what are my masking strategies. Over time we integrate these into our identify I guess?

On a positive I have started setting boundaries for myself and making decisions based on my own best interests (like stopping drinking). Ive found this is really interesting as the more clear I’ve been on stances like this, the more I’ve had to let go about what people think… It’s been quite a rocky road in terms of my relationships - as someone who always enjoyed a drink and whose identity was wrapped up in it being one of the only ‘fun’ things I did - to now being ‘raw’ and not having the armour of alcohol to hide behind. I’ve had to get to know myself again and try to discover what makes me tick - unfortunately with ADHD this isn’t constant!! 😂

Hopefully, if we stay curious and don’t be too hard on ourselves, we can have fun exploring and letting go of the masking strategies that don’t serve our authentic selves 🥰

[limestreet]

don’t underestimate the power of human connection. It fuels life. You may be finally ready to accept this fact. It to me well into my 30’s to admit I want and need human connection. It’s how amazing things get done in this world. Our intention & motivation shift from our own self (ish) to sharing with others. Connection

[Psnap in reply to limestreet]

Indeed. You are correct. My lack of connection is more a protection than a desire. So many protective habits that create alienating outcomes. They feel good initially because I don’t have to be vulnerable and real, but in so doing it becomes harder to do so until the alienation becomes the norm. I feel pretty hardened by my habits which makes the practice of connection that much more uncomfortable, but it’s always something I long for as well.