How did your family's first react to an ADHD diagnosis.

[Theduckmayswimon]

Diagnosed as an accomplished adult.

First of all, My family were the ones to strongly encourage me to seek help and medication after dealing with my forgetfulness, restlessness, interrupting, and zoning out for years.

Im feeling better, I'm overcoming the "grief" process, I'm getting help. But I feel like they expected it all to be resolved.

The thoughts begin..

"Why can't I explain it so they understand me yet?"

"What if I need more medication?"

"What am I saying wrong?"

I'm learning the thought recognition processes and how to know what's RSD, emotional dysregulation, anxiety, or people pleasing.

It's all something I'm painfully aware of now.

But, I explain any of these concepts and I'm making it about me, and I'm selfish. "ADHD isn't an excuse to your actions." For example, using a "me story" or making something "about me". I never knew this made others feel like they're feelings or thoughts weren't validated. Do I just say sorry and move on until I learn to communicate. And will I?

This is all things I'm working on with my therapist and trying to learn at 30+ years old. But just wondering how other's family members first took the diagnosis?

[Prussic]

Welcome Theduckmayswimon! It’s a huge step to get diagnosed as an adult and start getting help. I’m 47 yo male and got diagnosed last year. My 20 yo daughter also was diagnosed last year.

My family’s reaction has been mixed. My two daughters have been very positive. They understand how hard I’m working to live with and manage a different brain. The youngest will call me out if I use excuses and does a pretty good job of suggesting solutions to issues she sees that I don’t.

The oldest lives out of state. She was affected by my unmedicated ADHD and bi-polar more and has been open with me about that but not mean or bitter. She is also ADHD and we talk regularly about how to live in a world not designed for our brains and how to learn to relate well to NT folks. She’s also quick to call me on excuses and will tell me what is helping her. We take the same meds.

My in-laws think it’s unfortunate I have this problem. My mil told my wife she feels sorry for her. It’s not a very positive response but I’m ok with it. I’m not who they think I am and I’ve owned all my shit and apologized for past behavior and decisions. I respect them and show the flag for my wife’s sake.

My wife was relieved when I got diagnosed with both bi-polar and ADHD because she “knew for years something was wrong with me”. She expected meds to “fix” me and is angry with me when I don’t act NT. She told me she hates my mental illness and would never have married me if she knew I had a mental illness. She has to work because I’ve lost jobs due to ADHD, made bad financial calls when manic, and have had trouble finding work. She’s very bitter and angry about that. I understand. We are in counseling but she still thinks I’m lazy, immature, etc. all the shit we hear growing up. She told me that she wishes I were like other husbands. I do all I can to mask with her so she’s happy. I’m resigned to the fact that she will always see me as a failure and poor choice as a husband. She’s the only person in my family who makes me wish I were born different.

I’m working with a therapist to understand how to manage my symptoms and empathize with people and understand that my brain is different, not worse, than others. He’s helping me get to the root of my shame which fuels RSD so when my wife does or says something hurtful I don’t get angry or depressed but can respond calmly given time.

That’s how my family responded to me. My girls help me and I’m thankful for them.

[Lilwonder]

I was diagnosed almost a year ago at 54. My husband came to my appointment with the psychiatrist. He knows I have ADHD and is supportive. Tries to listen to me as I deal with receiving this diagnosis.

(He realizes he likely has ADHD too but won’t get diagnosed. This makes me frustrated because I feel like this is because he’d rather just let me take the heat for all that may be wrong in our relationship, but I digress)

My parents don’t believe I have it. They are retired teachers. My mom (who is kinda like me in ways) was a special education teacher so she feels like she would know if I had it.

My kids who are in their early 20’s are supportive, they live on their own and we don’t talk about ADHD much, but truthfully, they may have their own versions of it too. They are very high functioning, like their dad and I, but, what are the chances they don’t have some symptoms with two parents who have symptoms?

My sisters (x2) just said things like “well I don’t have ADHD” which makes me think they may have felt a bit defensive. I think one of my sisters may be a bit autistic, the other one for sure has some ADHD symptoms, but, this is for them to discover if they ever want to. They are both very high functioning as well.

This all in the context of growing up in a home where accomplishment was valued over all, and still is discussed non stop at family gatherings. Stuff emotions and get on with being productive. Forget your own interests and follow what makes sense as a lucrative career. All well meaning, I truly think, but emotions are never discussed. Zero talk about emotional regulation, just focus on feeling “acceptable” emotions. “Decide to be happy”. That sort of thing.

Church and community and helping others also NB in my childhood home. Parents always out and away from home helping others. I was put to bed by babysitters for years until I just put myself to bed, and woke myself up and got to school alone every morning. Managed to do this well, admittedly always walked into school 5 mins after the start of day bell.

Lengthy answer, not sure if anything in here is helpful for you. I suppose writing this response has made me think about my context. Thanks for the prompt.

I must say, my symptoms are not really changing a year out with a bit of counseling (why is it so expensive and hard to access?) and not much luck with meds. So yeah, feeling like the honeymoon phase of diagnosis is wearing off, and the tough work of getting on with things is upon me. This forum is honestly one of the best places I have found for being able to be honest and real, so it has helped me realize a lot of folks who “do well in the world” also do struggle a lot behind closed doors. We truly are not alone.

[4runner53]

None of my family believe me, even my sister that is a RN nurse doesn’t. My husband does believe I have something but doesn’t understand. It’s not a subject I talk to anyone about. I am a retired loner.

[Mamamichl]

sometimes people don’t understand that us talking about similar experiences we have had IS not trying to make it about us. It’s us trying to relate. I hear DBT therapy is a good way to learn relational skills. I’m on a wait list for one of these programs, and hope to get in during summer vacation. I have this issue a lot at work, but lucky enough to have a family that understands.

[STEM_Dad]

I was married at the time, but the marriage was on it's last legs (for reasons that were not directly related to my ADHD). My wife actually dismissed the idea that I have ADHD. Even after I got a diagnosis and a second opinion diagnosis that confirmed the original one, she didn't acknowledge my ADHD for a whole year.

However, my parents, kids, friends, and most of my colleagues were very accepting of my ADHD diagnosis. Some of them had their suspicions all along.

When I told my parents, and related what the three presentations are and what the diagnostic criteria is, they exchanged looks. Not only we they immediately accepting of my ADHD diagnosis, but they both recognized lifelong ADHD traits in themselves and each other. (Neither has been diagnosed. Both are milder in presentation than me. Both are happily retired from the working world, so they have no need for a diagnosis.)