One of the things that has struck me when I realized late in life that I have ADHD, is how I could have not seen it as ADHD for THIS DARN LONG.
I suppose because I'm female, and went to grade school in the late 80s/early 90s, and was not hyper, no one ever approached me about my forgetfulness and anxiety having anything to do with ADHD. I thought it was a disorder for hyper boys, not for dreamy, forgetful girls.
But as I got older, and moved into the workforce, and kept making what looked like careless mistakes every day, and as I moved through life with a brain that would not stop thinking and postulating and dreaming and musing all day long, I still never thought it was ADHD.
What did I think it was?
Anxiety (which I also have a moderate amount of) could be used to explain a lot of things, like inattention and forgetfulness.
I was super emotional because of my menstrual cycle, or because I'm a Scorpio, or because I was raised in a family of people who had explosive, uncontrolled emotional reactions to things (they all had/have ADHD by the way).
As for my brain, well, I was creative, wasn't I? Creative and prone to daydreaming. I saw my constant need to surf the web and watch three youtube videos and two Netflix shows while talking to people on three social media sites as "Screen addiction." because I've struggled with drug and alcohol addiction in the past, and because I get so hyper focused on things I love.
The only thing that couldn't really be explained is my inability to focus on long lists of instructions or emails about things I didn't understand or didn't care about. I felt like I had a mental block, but for some reason could not see it as a block. I have no idea what I was thinking about this strange inability to focus, and why it took me so long to recognize it as ADHD. I think I ended up just assuming that I was too stupid to focus on instructions, and too lazy to do things I didn't like doing. "I'm lazy and forgetful," became a mantra that I used to spout all the time. It wasn't good for me, but I had no other excuse for my behavior.
I'm really curious as to other people's perceptions of themselves before they came to the knowledge that they had ADHD. What sorts of circuitous mental loops did you execute to excuse these symptoms? And how has your outlook changed since finding out the truth?
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Absolutely get this! I’m ten years older (okay, nine), but yeah, same here. Dx at early 50’s. Elementary school was the first in the area with “open concept classrooms.” Always daydreaming, more interested in all the other classes going on around me with my friends in them, a motor in my legs with no off switch, great test scores, and a near zero homework score. Reading? Forget about that! We had those standardized tests even back then (before people were told to hate them for political reasons), and I usually rocked them. In tenth grade, my counselor told me, “Your IQ is (number in the second standard deviation on the right of the average), you just don’t apply yourself.” That same year, in biology, I had the highest test scores in the class. Homework average was in the 30’s, and projects? Go collect leaves and bugs? That didn’t work with my skateboard, BMX bike, and play time after school. Lol. Biology teacher, a retired nurse, called me up to her desk after the third test and asked who I was cheating off of. I remember looking at her like she was from Mars and replying, “Off of who? I have the highest scores in the class. I just listen to you teach, you make it sound cool, and I just remember. Same stuff is on the tests. If I copy anyone else’s answers, they might be wrong, and that would be stupid.” I remember her smiling, she nodded, and told me at this rate, I’d still fail the course (I did), and got an A in summer school. Lol.
Diagnosis in the 79’s-80’s? Lazy kid who doesn’t apply himself. So I got old thinking that I intrinsically lazy, and worthless. Still do, but now I know why. Working on that now.
I hope you can eliminate/reprogram that stuff moving forward! Thanks so much for sharing your story. I think a lot of us just assumed the things people said about us were true. Glad you've found a way out of that, even late in life.
Ha! In a way, same. My mom and sister (both passed away in the past three years) were ADHD poster children. I'm pretty sure my uncles and brothers have it too.
I've tried to talked to several (actually a lot) people in my family. My sister was the one who came up with 'The family curse'. And she's right-and the family curse name is ADHD. It's running rampant at least on my Fathers side. I grew up in a circus. When I've tried to talk to family about looking into ADHD, they thought...? (they think that the problem is me, the black sheep, the one who keeps playing Psychiatrist, or playing Psychologist-my Sister has told this to me. Yet my sister still brings up the family curse-What??). I just want things to be better. It doesn't have to be this way. Life could be better for all of us. I don't see or talk to my family very much anymore. I'm tired of all the BS, but I'm especially tired of the drama. I'm done.
sometimes that's the best and healthiest thing for us. I distanced myself from my family a lot as I grew older and realized how extremely unstable, toxic and un-self aware they were. I love them dearly, but when I was further away from them, I didn't have to deal with the drama and yelling and codependency. I get it so so much.
Codependency, oh yeah. Awhile back I was reading up on it because of some family behaviors. As I'm reading, I realized that I was codependent as well. Very codependent (and overly responsible). After thinking about it, I had to admit to myself that I'm probably at the top of that pyramid. It's another reason I stay away, because I will get caught up in their drama.
41 started meds today. Apart from feeling absolutely shattered on this medication xaggitin XL I just realised I'm not anxious or having outbursts. I feel, I think the word is calm.
I hated school for this very reason. I would bunk off, I struggled but went well under the radar.
I'm musical and artistic so classed also as creative and day dreamy.
Mums realising she thought this was normal because .. wait for it... She very possibly has this also.
I failed school - I'm just stupid and lazy
So many jobs - time keeping, sickness, can't stick it out....
Social - okay in small doses but never had the friend for life. I flit.
Alcohol and substance abuse - no longer may I add.
Failed relationships - I am married to a man who just refuses to give up on me. But previously I never really new what to do with them and binned them off. Also fear of them leaving me would talk me out of it.
At 18/19 reading a dementia form in docs thinking I had this as I was so forgetful.
I would find things I actually found interest in and could tell anyone who asked so much. I remember my dad saying if you had only put that effort into school!!😔 - failure
Being a mum of 3 one is 22 with his own boy. Life is always hard and I've tried for so long to do the basic things but even that was hard.
Middle child is asd ADHD also.
I was desperate for help for me to help him and today I got it.
I was told I was emotional, I had bipolar, I was lazy, forgetful, high maintenance, failure, you have potential if you just tried. That last one hurt more as I did try.
Today is the first day (since I did shrooms) that I feel calm and quiet inside. I just wish it was realised sooner. I wanted so much to be something not just existing. I failed so often at everything,
I hope today is the first real day to the rest of my life.
I don't know if it will last long and it's possible medication changes are going to be on the horizon. But finally something.
I have also noticed in later life I have a few ppl around who are ADHD or neurodivergent that are friends. We pop in and out of catch ups with no issue. We just understand each other.
I also have trauma I have to work through.
I am feeling failed for my youth but grateful at the same time for my future.
I have to reply now, or I'll forget, but also, I don't know what to say now, because I'm in a rush. I just want to say that I understand a lot of what you're talking about. I too started to fear that I had dementia, and things will just disappear from my hands, my pocketbook, my car, like they grew legs and walked off.
I am sending you supportive vibes. I hope you'll find some knowledge and peace.
Uggg-- I can sooo relate. And I think this is due to a general poor understanding in general of ADHD for most people.
I was diagnosed at 5 with Hyperactivity and placed on Ritalin. My mom took me off after a few months as it was causing me to fall asleep in class. Overtime I learned to mask and control this energy buy learning the social consequences of "acting like that." So other than knowing my body reacted to stimulants differently than others, I thought I had "grown out of it" and since I had not really learned that it was more than just hyperactivity, I blamed my self for all the other stuff- can't get started on work, I'm lazy; emotional dis regulation, needed to try harder to control my emotions; and so on.
Most of my life I thought "I" was the problem- I was lazy, not trying hard enough, not thinking of others (if I was late, forgot a birthday, didn't respond to a phone message and later emails). But I still went to grad school and have a high level career while compiling a long list of people who shared with me the thought of "I thought you would have done so much better."
This lead to a life of low self-esteem and depression - again something I blamed myself for while ignoring it and trying to "power through." Until a few years back when the depression took me to my darkest point. My low self esteem had turned to self loathing, and it was harder and harder to find the energy to put on the happy face everyday. I was planning how to end it and was concerned I needed more time to make sure I left my family in a good place financially- calculated I needed three to four years. So I went to therapy not to cure or help myself but to get tools to last just a bit longer. Luckily my therapist took me further than that. And the therapy lead to my "re-diagnosis."
So all those years where more a case of ignorance- not understanding that at 5 it was more than just not being able to sit still in my seat. And for a long time I held it together until I couldn't. As I was waiting for my diagnosis I started reaching ADHD and learned about executive dysfunction, emotional dis regulation, and all the other stuff related to the ADHD brain. Still took me time to come to terms with it, at first I thought I was just trying to find an excuse.
I've made a lot of progress since the official diagnosis came in at the end of November and still have a lot to go. But I have given up on the "I should have known," or thinking of how my life could have been different. I can't change any of that and now just have to figure how to keep moving forward with the knowledge I have now.
Not only can you not change it, but it's not your fault for not figuring it out sooner. We live in a society that will criticize us for our shortcomings and assume it's just due to a moral failing, and It's so easy to believe what society tells us. I'm so glad you moved forward with therapy and diagnosis. It's not easy to figure out that our brains are unusual when living with our brains is all the experience we've ever had. To me... this is just who I am. Thank you so much for sharing your story.
I have thought long and hard about this one. And the answer I keep returning to is that I would experience moments of shame at my ADHD struggles--like with deadlines or filling out "paperwork."
But then I would block it all out somehow. I guess my mind was programmed to help me survive in some sense. So without a diagnosis and understanding of ADHD, the only conclusion I could come to is that I am incompetent. I am slow ... But those were so frightening that I just changed the subject in my brain. Which has its own price because when you numb yourself in one area ... unfortunately you numb and blind yourself in other areas!
There were hints along that way and it's interesting that I didn't add up the hints. In college my first year, I had an office job. Just couldn't do it. I wanted to talk to people. I HATED office stuff. I hated being given directions to stack these forms here and these other forms there and to check for this or check for that.
So my sophomore through senior years, I got a job in an on-campus cafe! I got to stand and serve people coffee and juice and bagels and English muffins. Loved it. Felt free. Unbound. Talked to people while serving them. Time moved fast.
I can remember attending meetings and feeling like I was near death--this was way beyond the normal complaint with meetings. I mean I could NOT follow what people were saying once they got into the details. So maybe I made fun of the meetings afterwards ...
I later sought out jobs where I can stand and move around and leave the office, jobs that didn't have hard arrival times and that had minimal to no forms to fill out.
But the basic answer is that I engaged in some elaborate game of deny and ignore.
Frankly, I got very lucky to get to ADHD diagnosis. (Self-diagnosis and acceptance was as important as having providers diagnose me.)
Short story: I was taking zoloft for depression. My ex wife confronted me one day, said I had lost all sexual interest. She had been on antidepressants before, and so she told me to go to my psychiatrist and tell him about the problem. I did and the psychiatrist switched me off zoloft and put me on wellbutrin ...
OMG, I felt so much energy on wellbutrin, so much less overwhelmed with life. Game changer for sure .... Well later on after divorce, my parents were sick and hours away and I was feeling overwhelmed. My therapist told me I probably should talk to the psychiatrist to raise my meds. I did. He raised my wellbutrin dose and EXPLOSION. My mind got quiet. That ongoing chatter I always lived with ... was gone. I could prioritize on tasks. I could be decisive. I had energy at end of date to go out and do things! And ... I could organize things and see how one could create order ... Something more is going on here than just helping with depression!
And it was then that I remembered a book that said that for some people (not all--just some) people with ADHD, Wellbutrin helps not just with depression but also with ADHD. Bingo.
I then began reading about ADHD. Totally made sense ... and I now saw that it ran in my family ... the only person who didn't have it I can say was my father. He was totally organized. The rest of us not! Ironically I also saw that my mother (without awareness of the condition or any kind of diagnosis) had developed some life hacks to minimize the condition.
She would always put on music--fun music, danceable music--when she wanted to clean or before she wanted to clean to get herself into the mood of cleaning. When she went out shopping, she would always tell the person with her to "remind me to not forget X."
Things like trash or dishes ... she did them religiously and when I would ask, "why do you have to take out the trash now?" ... She would say, "I have to do it when I'm thinking of it." She knew that motivation could quickly disappear and that she could easily forget upcoming things so she needed to do a task as soon as she thought it.
And despite getting up early, she could never get out of the house on time for hardly any appointments. She was always scrambling. Didn't matter if she had gotten up at 5 a.m. and the appointment was just 30 minutes away at 10. At 9:35, she'd be screaming to get herself out the door.
Wow! Thank you for sharing your story. It's interesting that the medication working was what finally led you to fully know it was ADHD. I was just diagnosed officially last night, and she said I could try wellbutrin, but since I do not at all struggle with depression, and think of myself as a generally happy person outside of my ADHD symptoms, we decided to try Strattera instead. A low dose for a few weeks. We'll see!
My mother and sister were both raving cases of ADHD but this was before I knew how to recognize the signs. My sister was a wild woman. Always going and talking and moving and getting into trouble. She was a drug addict and an extrovert and was constantly changing subjects, changing careers, cutting people off, forgetting things, and was terminally clumsy. My mom was more of a dreamer. Could not be present inside her own mind for more than a minute or two before she was off on another concept or idea. She strikes me as similar to your mom, in that she had developed well worn workarounds for her symptoms. I'm certain that both of my brothers have it, as well as probably my uncle, and my cousin (uncle's daughter) just got diagnosed as well. It runs in the family!
Thanks again for sharing. I really appreciate hearing different people's perceptions of themselves. I'm an introvert who actually loves office work, but cannot rise above the station I'm at now, because I cannot force myself to concentrate on the minutia people above me find important. Cheers!
I think the answers will vary by what decade you grew up in. ADHD? What's that? No such thing when I was growing up. My brother was a poster child for it, but even he was never diagnosed. Me? Nothing like him. He's got that motor going all the time. Hands on sort of guy. Always on the move. Explosive anger, but friendly and easy to talk to. I'm shy (social anxiety tendencies), bookworm, quiet, varied wildly in my academics. I was either on the verge of failing, or mostly A-student. Even from semester to semester in the same class. That shows I had the brains, but lacked the motivation. In college I was mediocre at best. I was forgetful, but bright. So homework went poorly and I would often forget to study, or that I even had a test coming up. I would zone out and miss major points in the class. It felt like I wasn't even in the same class as the other kids sometimes. Yet, I was still able to pull passing grades. I probably could have gotten A's if I really could have stayed focused, but instead brought home C+/B- averages.
I had no real issues holding down a job as a programmer (software engineer). I excelled IMO. It wasn't until I was married and had to juggle kids, job, wife, house that ADHD really started wrecking my life. I just kept missing stuff at home. Not hearing conversations. Missing appts. Work was still fine, but my marriage was suffering badly. Once my son got to school age, and the teachers started making noises about getting him diagnosed did I start actually hearing about ADHD and reading about it. That's when I realized that my personality checked off a lot of the same boxes. If you left off "Hyper", I fit the bill to a T.
I was literally the smartest person in my family growing up. I was the only one who went to college, plus I finished, got a very good paying job and was a success by all measures from society's perspective. It never even crossed my mind that there was an issue until 15 years later. In my head, I had age-onset ADD. I reached a point where my cognitive ability started to slip and I could no longer stay ahead of my symptoms. At that point I definitely started down the path of feeling like a failure.
Getting diagnosed was wonderful from the standpoint that I could put a label on the problem. To be honest, there are plenty of days I still feel like a failure. Too many in fact.
Thank you so much for telling me about your journey to your diagnosis. I think that's so common of us ADHDers, that we're very clever in some areas, then failing in others, and the dichotomy is confusing to us and the people around us. I was the fastest checkout girl at the supermarkets I worked at as a teen. I was the one who was a "good writer" among my friends. I had such a "good vocabulary", but then would lose everything I owned if it wasn't nailed down, and would get stomach aches when I had to do math homework. We're all a mix of brilliance and executive dysfunction, and I think the shame of the dysfunction part gets in the way of us recognizing our brilliance.
I have a similar story. My twin brother was diagnosed as bipolar in his late teens, and struggled to pay attention in class, but me, being a well behaved girl who was forgetful, but not at all hyperactive, just slipped under the radar. Girls didn't have ADHD when I was in grade school in the late 80s, early 90s, or science was just starting to believe that they could, but I wasn't hyper... so... no attention was paid to it. They did think I might have a learning disability, but no one had me evaluated past one trip to a counselor.
I've always been socially adept and good at making friends, but I was always the one who forgot stuff and lost stuff and blurted out inappropriate things, and let people down by forgetting to give them a lift or do that favor I'd promised. I did great at my job, doing a simple task that took a lot of social skills, but then, I got promoted, and the tasks got more complicated, the spreadsheets had more and more cells in them, and I'm now making lots of little, embarrassing mistakes (often with a lot of people copied on the email so they're plain for all to see). I never got married or had kids, because the stress that comes along with those life decisions was too much for me, but life in general just gets more complicated as we age, and I can absolutely understand how you've been struggling. Thanks again, and I know this was rambly, but I don't know how else to be
In school and before diagnosed at 18, my perception was that everyone understood the question or assignment and I saw ambiguity and needed clarification that others didn't. I'd interpret the assignment differently and do it differently. I took a weaving class and we were told to get the yarn and something like divide it and tie, or cut it off in 8 sections. The next class I went in and was the only one with 8 long separate pieces of yarn. I was mortified, everyone else understood and did it correctly and it was obvious to everyone else that I didn't. I was accused of "not working up to my potential," "appears to be daydreaming" appears distracted." On tests, I would be stressed and read a question over and over and realize each time- afterward, that I hadn't comprehended any of it. I would ask questions about the questions that no one else was confused by because I read things into it or the words and get bogged down on the many possible interpretations I saw. I was accused by a teacher of trying to cheat because I went to her desk too many times during a test to ask for clarification on the intended or correct interpretation. I didn't interpret and process information like others and only knew I understood wrong and answered wrong and did poorly. I could study and learn information but not know how to answer or get bogged down on words that seemed ambiguous and get fixated on the potential meaning, or if a word was a trick to throw me or others off track. My brain malfunctions and goes on overload, overwhelm and/ or drifts unintentionally and unconciously when I try to organize papers and can't catorgize them without getting lost in the process and try over and over, to no avail. It seems simple but my brain complicates it to the point of parylysis repeatedly and I become frustrated with myself and can't see it, to stop it and feel like I'll lose me my mind if I don't stop. But I want to do it, well succeed that is and try for hours and get completely overwhelmed and produce no results, no matter how many ways or times I try, defeat. My filing system now works. Every important bill/receipt, financial record (for taxes) is in that one box. New year, new box. I know where it is and all in one place and all that's worked. I learned but my grades indicated otherwise and it didn't matter how hard I studied or how well I knew the material. I can think out of the box but I can't think the way I'm supposed to or normal, to save my life. I feel like I can no more think the way others do, then they can think the way I do, yet they can think like each other. Why is that? My perspective, the way I express myself or views I'm told is different, odd. My daughter describes me, my thinking or how I am to others that haven't met me, as "quirky." I cannot understand many road sign arrows and other seemingly obvious things and its frustrating. I have difficculty staying focused or alternately lost researching a topic for hours or this... and realize the entire night passed and it's getting light and omg, I didnt sleep-again- argh. It felt like an hour or two and was 5 or 6. I didn't have a behavior issue and adhd wasn't much a thing but I was taken to a teaching hospital and tested extensively at 18. If not for the diagnosis, I would never have considered college. Even then, I had to covertly tape and transcribe each lecture at home. Had to start and stop the tape repeatedly. I don't know if my brain's too fast, too slow or just aberrant and feels like a busy super 8 highway that wants to be on a country road. Congratuations on discovering your brain differences on your own. It was a long time before I knew I didn't think normally. I only knew wrongly and the grades that indicated I was a stupid or bad student.
"my perception was that everyone understood the question or assignment and I saw ambiguity and needed clarification that others didn't"
OMG, YES!!!! This. This is what I meant when I said it felt like I wasn't even in the same class with the rest of my peers. Well, aside from simply missing what was said sometimes.
I had an accounting course that would give tests that had multiple choice answers like:
1) A
2) B
3) None of the above
4) All of the above
I would get stuck because it was A & B, but All of the above didn't work, because that would include None of the above. Then I would spend 15 min trying to figure out which one (A or B) was wrong since I couldn't say they were both right. I did poorly in that class because of those tests.
"On tests, I would be stressed and read a question over and over and realize each time- afterward, that I hadn't comprehended any of it. " - I feel this so much. I get into modes where I'm in a meeting and someone's telling me how to do something, or just describing an aspect of our job, and I just... cannot process it. The words go in my ears, and then there's television static, and I can't remember what I just heard. I know the words are simple. Something like "We'll need five less consent forms, because there are five less participants in the study" or something like that, and I won't be able to understand it.
What you said about road signs is not something I share, but sounds terribly frustrating. I will try to read a book or an article sometimes, and just have to go over and over it, trying to get it to absorb. I thought it was anxiety. I thought I was just stupid. Neither of us are stupid. What even is "stupid" anyway? Our brains are just different. Perhaps some humans were just not meant to squint at spreadsheets or sit around in dull meetings, or understand pointless projects on yarn. Best wishes.
this is a great posts. I won't be long. I was a poster child for ADHD but was not diagnosed until I was 36. My childhood did not go well, 4 years in a Juvenal penitentiary, and I always thought it must be a combination of not having a father around, bad genes from said father, or some other disorder. It really helps to know what you have.
Really troubled childhood (adopted twice but that’s just the start) resulted in complex ptsd from childhood traumas. Hated school but muddled through with C’s and B’s. I’ve suffered from very low self esteem, suicidal ideation and depression on and off all my life. In 2020 I was diagnosed with complex ptsd and I’m still having EMDR therapy for this. It’s helped enormously and uncovered severe ADHD. Diagnosed in October and just brave enough now to take Strattera. My therapist said the hyper vigilance from my ptsd was masking the ADHD. Now the masking has greatly reduced, my ADHD symptoms are clear as day. Not that I would’ve been diagnosed at school back in the 60’s! I was very shy and quiet anyway. My school work was dreadful in primary school. I picked up after I think from fear of ending up in the bottom class and just be forgotten. I’ve had a very successful career but boy when I look back it’s taken constant super human effort. I would always end up with burnout.
I saw counsellor after counsellor through my adult life and most thought I was depressed and / or suffered from general anxiety disorder. The NHS were pretty useless (hate to slate them - but it’s lack of funding) so I went private. Since then all is starting to make sense at age 62. I feel sad for all those lost years. I hope my retirement years are brighter and the Strattera calms down my over active mind and constant muscle tension.
I wish you all the good things life has to offer moving forward. I've heard studies that say that when older people were asked what their favorite decade of their life was, they often choose their 60s as the best ones.
I'm so sorry to hear about your struggles. It sounds like you've had quite the uphill battle. I hope the Strattera and any help or counseling you receive will help improve those symptoms. Thank you so much for sharing your story. It means a lot to someone who's spent 46 years not know what was wrong with them.
was just DX in July of 22. By my therapist. Still haven’t done the “official” psychiatric assessment. But the tests done with the therapist, I scored very high “for a boy”.
Name an anti depressant, I’ve been on them all changing every few months or every year. Xanax was the reliable for 30+ years.
Started medication in October for ADHD. Life changing!!!! I drove downtown for the first time without anxiety or panic attack. I no longer take Xanax. Once my thoughts were “controlled” ( they’re calmer but ya know…) I can function better than before.
so that’s 52 year of being a total Sh*t show at life, failing at everything, and years of suicidal ideation; all subsided. I’m mourning the loss of a life that could have been so much more BUT invigorated by what I have left to live with this new reality! Now I am looking for tips and tricks to guide me with grace and compassion for my oddities 🙂
That's amazing!! I am so very glad that the adhd meds worked wonders for you! I'm approaching 50, and also look forward to making the most of my life moving forward. I think we're going to do a lot
Forgetful (my mom was reminded of "the Absent-minded Professor")
Easily distracted ("SQUIRREL!!!")
Undisciplined
Mind-wandering / Daydreamer
Introvert (I've often said "the world inside my head is more real to me than the world around me")
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I was labeled a daydreamer in first grade. I struggled with forgetfulness, difficulty making decisions, and being generally unmotivated except by that last minute adrenaline rush to meet a deadline.
Over the years, teachers & work supervisors & colleagues have implied that if I simply "applied" myself better or been "more motivated", then I could be more successful.
It was only when I worked with people who were open about their ADHD diagnosis, when I was in my late thirties and early forties, that I was open to consider that I might have ADHD. That was because I realized that they struggled with the same ADHD Inattentive traits that I'd always struggled with.
I got diagnosed at 45. ADHD medication has had a huge positive impact on my life! So has simply learning all I can about ADHD. I've also gotten some coaching and counseling (for the anxiety I've been living with most of my life), and have learned some effective mindfulness techniques.
I thought I was lazy or burned out or getting early Alzheimer’s or just pathetic because I felt overwhelmed all the time & everyone else seemed on top of everything
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