For me, right now, it's my marriage. My partner had not been understanding of my struggles, no matter how I try to share them. He had admitted to me recently that yes, he has written them off as me just being difficult and just needing to get over it. He said that he really thought that once I got on meds and was seeing a therapist I would be all better. Of course, that is not how it works at all. This is just the tip of our struggles. I feel pretty postive that i have been suffering in emotional abuse from the beginning of our marriage of 15 years. He is a drinker and i would call him an alcoholic. We are going to work with a couples therapist as soon as we can get in. For my mental health, I have moved into the guest room. I feel so much better having that physical space from him. I am struggling to see a way forward with him. We are both sad. Has anyone here been able to heal and move forward with a partner as they are learning how best to support you after years of dismissing your life experiences and truth. Even if you haven't, please share your story. I need to hear all perspectives right now. Thank you for sharing, I understand this can be something close to one's heart and are difficult to discuss. Truly appreciate your truth.
How has your ADHD effected how you co... - CHADD's Adult ADH...
How has your ADHD effected how you communicate in your important relationships.
I'm now divorced. I was married almost 21 years, and was undiagnosed for 19 of them.
ADHD did make it difficult for me to communicate effectively, due to chronic forgetfulness, and self-esteem issues that made me doubt myself. I also was very indecisive, so I would often let my wife get her way without any debate.
She didn't believe at first that I had ADHD. I had a diagnosis, and a second opinion, but she didn't acknowledge for almost a year after my diagnosis that I have ADHD.
She's a good person, but can be hard headed. (She rarely admits when she's wrong.)
(She didn't leave because of my ADHD, but because she fell in love with someone else. It hurt really bad, she wasn't trying to hurt me, but she was blinded by her feelings. --- It's been over a year since the divorce, and we're now on good terms, co-parenting our youngest two kids.)
Yes lots in common. I wouldn’t go into couples therapy with an alcoholic in active addiction. No one recommends this. it changes their brain function and is progressive. I would recommend getting on some good Facebook groups for support from other partners in this position. Try and learn everything you can about addiction and then get support for you about this. My husband is on the start of the ASD spectrum. You would never guess it socially and it took 30 years to figure out but there’s a lot going on in his head and maybe with your husband there something else going on for him to want to self medicate with alcohol. Don’t let him blame the alcohol on you, they all do this. You didn’t cause it and you can’t change it. He needs to be the change and reach out for support
I would also suggest that you check out AlAnon which is for people with family members or partners that are alcoholics. I found it really helpful. It puts the emphasis back on YOU taking care of yourself.... hand on heart, I know how rough this situation can be.
Thank you both. I really needed to here that I am not alone. For years I did all the things to fix myself so WE, the couple, could be ok. If I am honest with myself, I knew alcohol was a problem 18 months into the marriage. It sounds crazy, but we were very young with a new baby and I thought he would "out grow of it" or something. How crazy is that!! Just goes to show what little I truly understood about alcoholism. His whole male family tree are alcoholics!!! And I really, never put the two together. I am not sure he sees that as an issue. They are all "successful" in their fields of work. Made lots of money. Treated their families terribly. So, because he is not the "movie drunk" his drinking isnt really any issue to him. He will admit that he has had "moments he is not proud of" as he calls them.
We now have 5 sons and I worry about the example being set for them. So far, 2 have made it past the age of his first drinking episode and don't seem to have picked that up. It is a real concern of mine.
I know the focus is on the alcohol, it is not to say I have my own struggles. I do. I am actively working on them. The alcohol is not the only issue, it's the one that made me say enough is enough. I deserve better.
Hello!
I have been diagnosed less than 6 months ago, and I think my partner doesn't really believe I have ADHD. Actually my environment looks at me with some suspicion when I talk about it, because when they ask me what it means to have ADHD, and I explain the most common thing for me (feeling overwhelmed by work and daily tasks, and getting paralyzed), it sounds like a childish excuse or something "that happens to all of us".
I still haven't figured out how to explain myself and I don't think I ever will be able to, because you can't make others feel what you feel. I try to remind myself that I don't need validation from other people to have ADHD, but it's not always easy.
It's hard to have a partner who doesn't recognize this condition. I have tried to make my partner understand that he doesn't have to get angry or talk down to me when I get confused with GPS, for example, or that I have RSD (rejection sensitive dysphoria, typical in people with ADHD) and that there are things he does or says that hurt me a lot and just changing his tone of voice would help a lot to have fewer arguments. But he doesn't listen (for him, the problem is me being dramatic and insecure). I have even asked him to go to therapy so we can learn to communicate without hurting or accusing each other, but he refuses.
Honestly, I don't have a solution for you because I am trying to find one myself. He is not a bad man, but he has a very domineering and demanding way of saying things, and he loses patience easily with other people's faults, becoming cruel and inconsiderate (but he doesn't acknowledge his mistakes), and because of my RSD his reactions hurt me more. Sometimes I think I'm in a toxic relationship, sometimes I think I'm the problem (I have my faults too), sometimes I tell myself it's no big deal and minimize the problems....
Just today I was going to watch a video about toxic relationships and ADHD, in case I learn something; I give you the link in case you want to see it: youtube.com/watch?v=cLgCr3T...
To finish (and I know I don't apply my own advice), if he treats you badly or disrespects you (and invalidating your feelings and your truth is disrespectful), you shouldn't continue with him (I know it's easy to say from the outside). Although if you both go to therapy, I think that is a good sign that he is willing to improve the relationship..... But I think that in your relationship there are a lot of deep wounds from the past, maybe resentment; and if on top of that he has problems with alcohol.... It is not an easy road ahead of you. I can only send you a distance hucg and remind you that your life is for you to be happy and at peace; relationships require effort and struggle (and a relationship with someone with ADHD, more so) but you don't have to sacrifice your own happiness either.
(I am from Spain and although I speak English it is not my native language, forgive me if there are expressions or words that sound strange).
This question has really made me think. I don't have a lot of time to post right now. But I wanted to share that I was just diagnosed in December 2022. I have been trying different medications and dosages and recently (a month ago) found a local psychiatrist with a specialty in ADHD. I did the GeneSight testing and am hoping that provides some answers to the best medication and dosage for me.
When it comes to my closest relationship, that's my husband of 20 years (in May!). I am glad to have this outlet to share. I have spent most of our relationship lying to him. I realize now with my diagnosis that most of the things I lie about are things that cause me great shame, habits I have, things I do. Like buying things I don't need. He'll ask me about something, like how much I spent on something, and I feel that shame in the pit of my stomach and I just out and out lie to his face.
I am also coming to terms with the amount of trauma I had growing up. I found an ADHD therapist through my company's EAP program and am hoping to not only learn systems and practices to help me manage my ADHD more effectively, but that I also can start to heal from issues I have never talked about before, Most of my adult life, I have been in therapy. I stopped because I felt like I had nothing else to share. But in reality, I still had all the stuff inside that I was too ashamed to share. I see this new therapist tomorrow for our first appointment. I am nervous but also excited.
I know most of what I shared in this post was off topic, but it felt good to share it. I just registered on this site this evening and so this is my first post. Thank you for posting this provocative question. I will be thinking more about it in the coming days, I am sure!
Childhood (or Complex) Post Traumatic Stress Disorder may be what's happening with you - I have it, many folks I know also have it, along with ADHD. I hope you find a therapist who is familiar with CPTSD (many are these days) and you also might check out the 12-step program, ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics and Other Dysfunctional Families)..... The amount of shame I feel over impulsivity is deep. I relate to your feelings of shame. I have been married 5 times (finally figured out that it might be ME that has a problem here! LOL!) and every partner had some kind of addiction including workaholism. I have always been on the search for the "next shiny thing" (one of the hallmarks of ADHD), and I feel shame over the pain I have caused other people in my life, especially my 3 sons. It's an important facet of ADHD treatment, is dealing with the shame issues. I hear you.
i was diagnosed last year at age 48 with adhd. I have been in a 30+years on and off relationship with the father of our adult children. I believe he has adhd too and he self medicates with marijuana. I have been in therapy for 3 years for past trauma and abuse from him and just started medication. The therapy helps alot, I haven’t notice a difference yet with the medication. We are trying to work on relationship. Now knowing that alot of our issues were because of our adhd. Not all but alot. Helps us to understand each other better. Sorry you are going thru relationship problems with your spouse. I pray that you both find healing.
I've read that ADHD folks have a very high divorce rate - I can understand why for sure (See my reply below). But also the shame that society dishes out to us is another heavy factor that causes a lot of depression and anxiety for us. Marriages are hard enough without ADHD and alcohol abuse factored in. It will not be an easy "fix." I ended up at age 63 divorced (not my choice), very low income, and undiagnosed. I have to say living alone for the past 10 years has been the best thing for me despite all the challenges of finances and medical care and finding treatment for ADHD.... still I find I have the time/energy/determination now to focus on my own problems rather than get distracted by a partner's issues (and don't we ALL have issues no matter who we think we are??? LOL!). Life isn't easy for me, but I am much happier living alone now. Finally!! Only took 5 marriages for me to figure that out! Would being diagnosed earlier have helped save a marriage? No way to know. I wish you luck however things work out. Having ADHD is enough to deal with in my opinion....
Love your screen name - we share ADHD & pandas! And that's not all... My therapist recommended a book, "The ADHD Effect on Marriage " by Melissa Orlov. I just got it so can't tell you more, but I figured I would pass on the info.
My husband and I have been together 30 years this May, 18 of which I was not diagnosed. We met in Alcoholics Anonymous, he was six years sober when I joined, and we have both been sober since. For a long time, I thought my problems were caused by self-medicating my anxiety with alcohol. Being diagnosed at 54 was an eye opener which explained a lot about my whole life! Although my husband is completely on board with my diagnosis, he still feels that I should be "getting better" after 13 years of therapy and coaching. He thinks that ADHD is just an excuse I use because I'm lazy. He doesn't believe it affects everything, every day. I am unable to take meds due to other health issues, which is too bad because they did help for a couple of years. So our marriage suffers extra issues due to my ADHD. My husband is very linear in his thinking, (think engineer). He craves structure and logic. When I was still working, it wasn't as bad between us on this topic as it is since I retired and we are together much more. Covid isolation did not help!
So I will say you are not alone, but if both of you are willing to work on it, it can absolutely be done. But alcoholism is its own issue, and active alcoholics in therapy are often a waste of time and money. There's a lot on your plate. Take it slowly and clear your side of the street first. The rest will become clearer as you know your diagnosis and treat it. Best of luck! We are here for you. 🙂
If he does not work on being an alcoholic, then it would not be worth while to continue. Many people are involved with ex alcoholicas and ex addicts and have greater relationships. But, if he is not going to get there, save yourself years more of anxiety, stress, etc. and consider a separation and maybe divorce. But yeah, the best thing to do right now is see a therapist who can help bring to the surface the issues and help each other understand the other better.
I highly recommend the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. It is long winded but it helps people understand gender differences in relationships and communication. Based on real psychology, not a get rich quick gimmick book. Helped my grandmother, helped me.
No one believed I had ADHD when I was diagnosed with ADHD-I at 32. Because I had my coping mechanism and didn't express the struggles I had. Took a while for people to believe me and the greater public awareness over the last 20 years has probably helped.
My biggest issue with ADHD is not the actual ADHD. Problems I have are the side effects of Adderall that are ruining my life and marriage. On high dosage just to get it to be therapeutic. But that has caused dependence and my brain is no longer regulating the related neurotransmitters. It relies on Adderall to do it. Plus has royally screwed up my endocrine system. I can concentrate for work (not as well as I used to on meds though), but I am not nearly the same person I was before medication. Working on options, but there aren't any shrinks that specialize in what I need. Which is to try to normalize my neurotransmitters while I transition to other medications. Hard to switch meds when the new med has to also handle the withdrawal and existing imbalances. Would take about a year for my brain to normalize itself if I stopped taking meds. But have to work so that is not an option till retirement. And retirement is too long to wait to be the person I was when my wife met me.
And yeah, my wife has no clue the struggles I face everyday and is not very sympathetic to them. We should do counselling, but I am overburdened with other stuff and it is hard with her schedule.
I am literally going through the same thing. I am living upstairs. I made my choice to end this nightmare. We have gone through therapy and he just doesn't get that ADHD is real. He loves my intelligence but otherwise dislikes me because of my "quirks." He is also a chronic marijuana user and drinks. I have so much to live for and I'm ready to for a new life.
My husband is similar and I have been married for over 25 years. He's mean to me and disrespectful and drinks. But my struggles w/keeping jobs and finances and generally being kind of a space cadet..keep me here. I'm terrified that I would be single and lose my job and not have anyone to pay my rent. So I'm there with you, no advice really.
Ditto, we had been married for 20 years when I was diagnosed. It has been rough for the 40 years. We talk about breaking up all the time. It's funny sincei I have been reading all the symptosymptoms, I think she has it as well.
College?
Just Getting Started
How do you cope when you're low in dopamine?
Jeff Bezos on what identifies smart people
