I'm feeling a little - a lot - overwhelmed right now. Actually sitting here crying just working towards forcing myself to get an appointment to get an official diagnosis. I discovered that ADHD had been the source of so, so many of my problems in life only a few months ago when I really began to understand what it is and what the symptoms actually look like. I did what I do with all things when I want to understand them - I started maniacally researching.
I don't know what it was specifically. An article? A comic strip? (@ADHD_Alien on Twitter has become a godsend for breaking things down in a way I can actually process) But next came reading and podcasts (The ADHD Experts panel from ADDitude Magazine on Spotify is another absolute gem), and I've been slowly digesting all of the information, which is immensely helpful.
But as with most things in life, it's the starting of things that is so hard. Taking that first step and getting past the mental hurdles in my way. It's too hard or too stressful or too time consuming and my brain shuts down. I have no healthcare. I'm unemployed. The bureaucratic processes for doing anything in this country make things more than difficult.
There's a free clinic I know I can go to. But I try to book an appointment online because that I can do. That's accessible. But I have to go in to register as a new patient. And then, like a stack of falling dominoes, it all feels completely hopeless. My brain tells me it can't handle that It all just seems so much. So I realized what I need to start is just to get some support. Someone to tell me I can do it. Someone to offer some guidance or advice or just contrary thoughts to those flooding my head.
Please, kind, considerate person reading this, help, in whatever way you can. I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this.
The last few months have been hell on earth. Trying to get back into some, any kind of work since being laid off feels insurmountable. Resumes, job profiles for freelancing, passion projects. I have finally had the thing I've wanted for so long - time. And as it's been for so many, I feel like I've wasted it. But I can't make myself do the things which are so challenging. I now know that's ADHD.
It's the same stuff that made me become completely overwhelmed my junior year of college and just.....stop. Stop going to class, stop doing work, taking naps in the library and lying to my family because I just didn't understand why I couldn't do it. I physically and mentally shut down after a setback - getting sick for three months and falling behind in my classes, while working three jobs no less, with no support system in place and zero help from my college. The counselors at the mental health center on campus looked at me like I was crazy when I told them what I was going through and brushed me off because I didn't have a substance abuse problem. I wrote it off as depression, anxiety, stress, exhaustion. I quit. I focused on work. And for years powered through. Until I couldn't anymore. The same started to happen even before a pandemic cost me my job. I found tasks piling up at work and found my body rejecting the idea of completing anything. I just tried to make it through the day.
I know I have so much potential. I'm so smart. I'm so creative. I'm a brilliant writer. I just can't DO. And I know it's most likely as simple - to a degree - as starting medication. That's the first step that will likely turn things around for me and help me get on track. I've unwittingly been successful in other ways in the past, what I considered coping mechanisms for my mental health at the time or just a desire for better health. I've exercised. I've meditated. I've switched to a vegan diet - which actually helped immensely with my focus and energy levels before finances and potential food scarcity with COVID made me switch back to eating what everyone else in my house does. I've journaled. I've made lists and plans.
None of them are sustainable. At some point, I get "distracted," thrown off course, and I'm right back where I started. Keeping a stable routine is nearly impossible for me. I want to get better. I want to be the me I know is inside, do all the things I know I'm capable of. But right now, I have piles of things that my brain says I need to do, and I can't seem to do any of them. It doesn't help I'm recovering from COVID and my body is low on resources as it is. All of this is all the more complicated by the fact that the extra $600 in unemployment is now over. I HAVE to get some kind of additional income coming in or go full time back to work - which I'm not sure my body is ready for. I'm scared this will just become another thing that gets put off. I'm scared I may live like this forever. When it's so easy to take the first step towards getting help. It seems so easy.
I realize this has turned into a long vent, but I don't have many people I can talk to about this. I have a wonderful partner who also has ADHD but is a bit of a skeptic since I don't have an official diagnosis and truly doesn't understand it much themself, aware of only many of the myths I've been unpacking for months now of what people believed about/were sold on ADHD for so long, who also sees me as such a strong and capable person that they can't fathom me having such a problem. I have a great best friend who also has it but can't offer much in terms of support or encouragement because she's only halfway across the world. I have a dad who is loving and supportive as he can be but doesn't understand fundamentally the roadblocks that keep me from doing things and has so many mental and physical obstacles himself that he really can't get it in any real way.
This is a lot. Having ADHD is a lot. Understanding what it was was one of the best things I've ever discovered about myself. A revelation. But it is so painful and hard to still feel like I don't have a way to grasp doing something about it.
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thestruggletoheal
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Hi there,this is the 2nd really depressing letter from someone today.Whatever you do,don't blame yourself.Its a scary situation because you're looking for answers and so many people out there have no idea how much mental damage this disease can do.Youre dad sounds great but he doesn't know the complexities that ADHD can have on a person.I hope you get back in touch with your faraway friend again via any format because your mate probably needs you as much as you need them.Youll both be on the same page as each other cos if you mention a particular problem,your mate will know where you're coming from.Dont withdraw please,the more you can lessen your pain,specially with your dad and mate,the less helpless you'll feel.Youre obviously very close to your dad and he'll be hurting to see his kid struggling.the more you can open up to your dad,the better you will feel and the more understanding your dad will have .No dad wants to see his kid suffering in silence.You could maybe read some messages on this site to know that there are so many struggling out there.All the best,keep reaching out whenever you feel a bit down.
Welcome to your tribe! You are in the right place 😁. Things will get better
Where else could you find someone else with the same abilities of research?
The topics I have covered, environmental, then, hydrology, atmospheric circulations, to heat island effect, corn sweat, and the disruption of surface-level air circulation caused by the introduction of megalithic windmills placed in the middle of bread basket cornfields.
Then there was the time I filed a 153-page legal complaint in place of what should have been a two-page small claims court document, I think I pissed off the defendants' lawyer.
I was diagnosed dyslexic at age seven and diagnosed ADD at age 50. I am very lucky to have had the support of a loving wife and family. It wasn't until I taught them about ADHD that they began to limit their unconscious triggers, and I developed a meaningful comprehension of the complexity of ADD and how unique, yet varied the behaviors are.
You do need a diagnosis, resources are limited in the best of times, but we know the alternative, more of the same old.
I have been an artists who couldn't show his work, a portraitist who was paralyzed by anxiety a husband who couldn't speak and a father who was highly reactive and tended toward self-isolating behaviors.
I think you have reached a place of an epiphany, in that you have correlated the impacts of your behaviors to ADD. Cognitive therapy is a must to understand the octopus tentacle-like connection of the behavior and impacts of your presentment.
Allow yourself small successes. Find medical support, it's out there.
If you need an emotionally light moment visit a website I have under construction, I guarantee a smile. mashugamoose.com for photos rosen-ducat.com.
“I am very lucky to have had the support of a loving wife and family. It wasn't until I taught them about ADHD that they began to limit their unconscious triggers“
My hubby is very tired of my inadequacies, even though he came up with ADD/ADHD as a fit for me.... the initial (not yet deep) understanding has worn off, and he is under alot of work pressure.
You’ve got me thinking, I need to try and figure out triggers, so I can ask him to try & avoid them/help me avoid.
Its tough, as i like to be (and was) very independent. But life’s responsibilities built up, a little more than i (currently) have capacity for!
Take what works and leave the rest....Also presently I have seven #1 priorities! So you are not alone but ultimately what you choose to do is not the important thing right now it’s the doing, the movement, gaining momentum....peace
Its one of my Naughty Brain’s (at least) weekly mental battles, the “why do i have to muster so much focus to get something done? Its not fair! I don’t want to keep doing this!!” (I lost my last conventional job, a few years ago, saying that out loud!!! I was exhausted, kept getting bugs, and needing time off, sick!)
The relief of figuring out the likely problem, just last December, has been massive!
Its not my fault!!
But that relief subsides a bit, eh! And real life continues to throw in demands!
I can’t say I’ve cracked it.
I’m trying some coaching... won’t be able to afford that for long. And its getting tough!
A diagnosis and a trial of meds will be great - but I have hurdles like you!!! Forms to fill in (eughh!!!), etc.
You could try FocusMate...
Here’s an example session (start & end, only 1min45secs)
I found I could cheat with computer-based tasks, though!!!!! (Naughty Brain!)
I’ve had my siblings offer to help me, via WhatsApp video, instead! (Actually, i can do practical tasks i had put off, (decluttered a no-go desk!!) while chatting & catching up, i just check that with them before we hook up, as its not the best catchup, emotionally, if they are having tough times!)
But for forms, paper or online, I cudn’t chat!!)
They are 8hours ahead and 8hours behind me, but they get me organised!
You could ask your friend.
Or drop me a Message, if you want to try FocusMate with a fellow pre-diagnosed person...
Hard to keep positive, but fight to take a small action each day! Even just a walk!
PS - I am thinking of looking for a new tupe of job, especially if my current one goes COVID!
Will look for something that uses my face-to-face being, not lots of planning & organising, or research or report-writing. It will likely be a paycut, (and not a major career rocket!) but i am fortunate that I am well-supported.
And feeling able to show up and just “do”, and therefore fulfil my work duties, instead of work being another painful world of procrastination and ADD-induced stress from worry about unfinished work, i think i might then function better at home, to repay that support, with a less chaotic family home.... I am amazingly quite optimistic, still, sometimes!!! I surprise myself!
Good luck with your job hunting, i really hope you can grab something that works for you, in these difficult times.
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What kind of symptoms and things do doctors use to invalidate or disqualify you for an ADHD diagnosis? What was your screening like?
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