My name is Billy. I was diagnosed at the end of last year with ADHD. Since then I've experienced a range of emotions from relief to doubt to anger to sadness. But I feel stuck on doubt. I'm struggling to accept this diagnosis because I feel like I'm making excuses for laziness or past failure. It's hard to allow myself to accept an explanation beside laziness because I grew up in a blue collar community that didn't accept excuses for lack of motivation or focus.
So, for those who struggled with doubt what helped you accept the diagnosis?
- Billy
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bdkilgore
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You are preaching to my own personal choir here. I also grew up in a blue collar community, and grew up being told I was lazy and accused of "half-assing" tasks. I was lectured on "work before play". Although I do accept my diagnosis and symptoms in other areas such as perpetually losing my phone/keys/everything, fidgeting/squirming, finishing other people's sentences, I have difficulty accepting my difficulty starting, staying focused, or completing tasks as related to my ADHD. Which is sooo not fair to myself since these are all symptoms of ADHD
It's interesting though, I never connected it to me growing up in a blue collar community until you put it out there.
Hey Billy - hope you are doing well! I was very recently diagnosed and am struggling with my diagnosis I think the most because other people won't take it seriously or consider I have a medical condition that is a disability rather than being lazy. I'm preparing myself to make sure and say I have genetic ADHD and to explain that it's related to brain chemistry and that it in certain ways defines my behaviour without my control. I'm not sure if a blue collar background would be that different, or even not as harsh as an overachieving white collar upbringing. I've had neither. For me the concern is about ego, and what other people will think of me and my inability to want to accept that some people won't care to understand and will judge me without knowledge or even be interested in being informed, even those I have a long history with. As a man in his 50s, I have a lot of long standing relationships with men who are rarely sincere and mostly communicate through jabs and sarcasm over beer and the last thing they want to do is talk about brain chemistry or the anguish life has brought some of us. I'm doing my first boys trip soon post diagnosis. I've told one buddy, who has a degree in psychology, but I'm nervous for sure to be asked what I've been up to over the campfire, because once I start talking, I usually tell the whole story. I guess you need to trust your community, and yourself; to know who is supportive and who is dangerous, and act accordingly, and no matter what, being proud of who you are. Honestly, the stuff we are bad at is the trivial stuff in the big picture, and the stuff we are uniquely good at can be magic. Lean into your magic. Hope that helps in some way.
Hi BillyYou have worked harder than anyone to just muddle thru school, life, job etc. You are not the least bit lazy. You are trying to do the job being asked of you AND you are working around ADHD symptoms- not easy, and not lazy.
A couple of ideas to try. Write down all the things you do get done, just list out the tasks. Then list what you have to work around in order to get all those things done - procrastination, negative self talk, overwhelm, etc. You will see how much you are actually getting done and how hard you are working.
You can also make a list for someone else to do your job or To Dos. If your friend had to do the same stuff you do and you got to decide what productive looks like what would be on their To Do list? (We are much harder on ourselves than others)
Allow the lazy feelings as best you can. Talk to your "lazy" part like you would talk to a really close friend or loved one. "I'm sorry you're feeling lazy. Lets look at what you have done, because its a lot."
Then think of what more 'should' be done. (Make a list) Then ask: why do I 'have to' do all that? Would you expect a friend to do all that?
It is not an easy feeling to shake, it takes practice, patience and kindness with yourself. You will be reminding yourself regularly of all the things you do get done and asking the critical voice to please take a break.
Ask yourself:
*What constitutes productive?
*How do you know when you have done "enough"?
*Is it ever enough?
If the answer to the last one is "no" find someone to talk to that you trust and they can help put things in perspective.
Just realizing that you put that pressure on yourself and where it comes from is huge. I hope you can be proud of yourself for figuring that out. And I hope some of that helps.
BLC89
Full disclosure: I am an ADHD Parent Coach. I have been married to ADHD for nearly 30 years and raised two kids who have ADHD.
I love your suggestion about being nice to your "lazy" part. I have found I am so much more forgiving when I see the same faults in other people that I berate myself for. Sometimes I actively think about how they would talk to me and the tone of voice they would use to soothe me and it helps.
Hi Billy, I have no official diagnosis yet. But from everything I have read, an ADHD diagnosis will give me a huge sense of relief rather than doubt because knowing I have a brain chemistry difference means I am OK, there is nothing wrong with me, I am not broken, not crazy, not lazy, etc. And then I can start learning how to work with those differences and capitalize on the strengths, like 43creatures mentioned, and this is key. I have never viewed a "disability" diagnosis as an excuse but rather as an opportunity to learn how to work with it. Once you know the cause you can generally figure out how to work with it to your advantage. And, from what I have heard from the average person, they don't have a clue about the intricacies of ADHD and how to work with it. People don't view it as a strength but as a disability. If you view yourself as lazy and to you that is unacceptable, I know there are ways to fix it. If you can, take off the pressure of everyone else's expectations and embrace your ADHD by finding your strengths and maximize them. My next step is to find what I am brilliant at and then run with it, run like the wind and no one will be able to stop me, it is my energy and passion, my life-blood. Focus on what you are good at and it just might spike your energy too. Hope this helps!
I haven’t accepted it and stuck in sadness and doubt , along with ASD diagnosis at same time (47)
I’ve just started paying for therapy which can hardly afford , with a NEURODIVERGENT. Therapist . She keeps saying You do realise that was because of your adhd don’t you ? And it seems to easy to just say yes , like an excuse ? I’m stuck in grief and depression and scared of my future as I’m out of work and my mind does it want to go back to masking and work . Is that my adhd ? I just don’t know . I think what you are feeling and going through is pretty recognised in the late Diagnised community .
having to take charge of my own life and disown my parents. Forcing myself to see the good sides to the condition (great in emergency situations, thinking outside the box, etc). Also openly expressing myself so people accept me helps personally. Sometimes it can bite you in the bud if you tell the wrong people though. I focus on the future generations rather than the idiotic views of the ones of the past. Having kids helped me with that though, although it’s not always best either. Joining groups like this and ones on Facebook have helped me as well.
Also, other things that have helped me include watching g videos from adhd_love and how to adhd groups. This helps me normalize my condition. We are explaining, not doing excuses. You can look up the difference. Also, this image…
Billy - This is very normal. I went (am going...) through the same thing. I'm also very 'push-push-push', and I struggled greatly through various negative emotions until I started to realize that word choices matter greatly in understanding this ADHD 'curse'.
So how did I go from 'curse' to 'blessing'? I'm 51, got laid off a few times in the last decade and I could simply not understand what was happening and I got diagnosed two weeks before turning 50. This sucks. Now what?
Well, as it turns out, it is not about excuses; I've never been about excuses. 'Previously Undiagnosed Advanced Adult ADHD' is one hell of an explanation, though. From Excuse -> to Explanation. Big difference. Huge.
Since I now know what this is, I can go get the tools to manage this (yes, it takes a lot of work, every single day and it can be torture (more on this later). I get to grow. Toward what? Greater personal responsibility. But doesn't everyone have to do that? Yes. Do they do it? Not really, especially in the world we live in today. Everyone has an 'excuse' to self-victimize. Not me. I have this blessing that makes my daily routine and all my efforts crystal clear and point me to God and a better me. I do them and I get better and do better. What a blessing.
As it turns out, all these tools make me a better person, and they would benefit anyone. The difference is that as an adult with ADHD, it is CRITICAL that I do these things, more so than other people. So is it a curse or a blessing? When I sleep well, exercise, diet, meditate, pray, work, send out resumes, network, get out there, meet new people, be good to my wife and kids, take Rx and my supplements, and all the rest of it, I become a better, more productive, driven, focused person, full stop. I am becoming 'the best version of myself'. If I don't, things go off the rails for me much more than they would for others. A-ha.
That is quite a departure from the emotional and cognitive mess that I was when I got the diagnosis, no matter how painful it was. The more I do these things and tighten the screws on my routine, the more I am in control of ADHD, rather than the reverse. I am now winning. Perhaps having this 'thing' gives me a much stronger incentive to BE this best version of myself that other people. In that sense, it is a huge leg up on self-discipline; they don't have anywhere near as strong an incentive toward self-discipline. How sad for them. Other people will simply never be uncomfortable enough to have the sense of urgency needed to make their own lives better, and by extension, the lives of others around them. Make no mistake - YOU have to be good to you and you have to be whole first, second, and third. The interesting thing is that the better we get at THAT, the easier it becomes for that to radiate in concentric circles to those around us, starting with our immediate family. Pray and spend time in the classroom of silence every day too, don' t just go-go-go. I had to learn do modulate my speed and shift gears during the day - The importance of this cannot be overstated. Take your rest seriously as well, but avoid idleness. Don't worry, you'll be able to tell as you progress through this. Things become more clear somehow. Thank God.
So, to wrap up. Yes, it is torture. Until it isn't. It's really, really hard to make strides in any given direction/dimension. Until it isn't. Getting out of the house for anything (meetings, networking, exercise, etc) is excruciating. Until it isn't. And on and on. I've been at this for fifteen months and I couldn't even leave the house for the first six. Things are much better now, but they are entirely dependent on my ongoing effort. You do start seeing over time a stability manifest below the surface where things are a bit more organized and you are able to self-correct a bit more easily. This is Cognitive Reserve building in your brain. And it feels great. It's the little things, believe me.
Congratulations, Billy. You are on your way. You are asking the right questions, which is always a good start. No, you are not lazy. No, you were never lazy. Quite on the contrary; you were always fighting an internal cognitive battle that not even you understood, and that is why the 'cognitive load', as I call it, has always been much greater for you than it was for those around you without ADHD. That said, you don't get to push this in people's faces. They are not going to care, nor should they. This is an internal battle, and as you progress through it, your internal sense of achievement will grow and you will need less and less approval from others. You will notice the Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria component of this dissipate until you are 'whole', for lack of a better term. This feels amazing, I must say.
You are correct in that you should keep working hard, no doubt about it. The NATURE of that work and the specific steps to take are now defined with a different approach, that is all. You are in my prayers. You will do great things. Don't let this thing bring you down. It will take time. No worries, it's only temporary. It's limited to this life. This is the ultimate exercise in patience. Believe me, I know.
No, you are not lazy. You are a warrior. Warriors fight, get knocked down and get back up, no matter what. Change your words, change your life. But remember, nothing changes until you do.
I too went through a major (painful) stage of doubt, but realized eventually (through therapy and coaching) that what I was saying to myself - namely, "are you sure it isn't just because you're lazy or fundamentally flawed" - was a product of all the things I was told all my life. I think particularly when you are diagnosed later in life, there is a LOT that we have to learn to undo/unthink. We've essentially been programmed to believe these things about ourselves, and it's not easy to rewire our thinking.
I read a quote that has really stuck with me, and that is, "If you were lazy, you'd be enjoying yourself" (doing nothing). I don't know about you, but anytime I'm "doing nothing", I'm usually mentally and emotionally agonizing/beating myself up over ALL the things I feel like I SHOULD be doing. I am far from enjoying myself. I'm beating the hell out of myself internally. If that's the case, you're not lazy.
One thing that repeatedly worked for me was to reread all the characteristics of ADHD on a semi-regular basis, or anytime I was feeling doubt. The first time I read through them I about lost it. I had initially laughed when my doctor suggest I get tested for ADHD, because I'm about as "hyper" as a potato. I had never realized that the hyperactivity was internal - not just rowdy little boys outwardly showing that hyperactivity. So, I researched ADHD and my jaw dragged on the floor for days. It fit me PERFECTLY. I still found it hard to accept, because didn't this just mean I was flawed in an entirely new way from what I'd always believed? Hell, no. It took doing a lot of research, reading, and listening about ADHD to learn and accept that my brain's wiring was just different from the majority of the masses. Different does not equal flawed. It just means the the "usual" tactics that work for people don't necessarily work for us, and we have to learn new ways of doing things that work WITH our ADHD instead of trying to fight against it and trying to be neurotypical. If we stop trying to measure ourselves against people who don't have ADHD, we can discover an awful lot of amazingly wonderful traits about ourselves.
We've been programmed by society to believe a) that we must be productive all the time, and b) that we should fit into the rest of society. After much thought, I realized I didn't want to just "fit in". Fitting in meant not being able to be authentically myself. I had to bite my tongue to not blurt something out during conversations, I had to shove my hands in my pockets so no one sees me fidget, I had to mentally tell myself to HOLD STILL in meetings and such, and I had to say nothing because if I start talking I might not only say something "stupid", but I might not shut up. It's called masking - putting on a version of you that isn't authentic. It's exhausting, quite frankly, and you have to be willing to do some introspection to learn what is societal pressure and what is truly YOU. It's not easy.
Lastly, I want to point out that it's not easy to get an ADHD diagnosis, contrary to what some media reports are trying to portray. Doctor's are seriously on guard for people just wanting stimulants, so they don't dole out that diagnosis flippantly. It is not some "catch all" for people they don't know what to do with. If you made it through the diagnostic process with an ADHD diagnosis, odds are extremely high that your diagnosis is totally and completely valid. When you read a description of ADHD, does it resonate with you? It did for me, in spite of my serious doubt - and that helped me to accept it.
I truly hope you're able to accept - and even embrace - yourself as an ADHDer. I have reached the stage where I am proud to be among the neurodiverse community. I actually love that my brain doesn't work the way the majority of society's does. It's because of my ADHD that I started my own business - a virtual assistant agency supporting those with ADHD. I honestly don't think I would've had the creativity and drive required to build a business from the ground up, a true hyperfocus for me, if I weren't for my ADHD. Do we struggle? Damn straight we do, but it is absolutely possible to accept and learn to work with our ADHD.
I suggest you listen to some podcasts by Andrew Huberman regarding ADHD. When you understand how it works (or doesn't as the case may be), suddenly it all makes sense! I realize now that it's not "laziness" for me, it's a lack of dopamine and epinephrine. I was inspired by him to do cold plunges and that has been a great help! I also started taking Wellbutrin which I think has to do with dopamine reuptake. A couple of weeks after starting Wellbutrin I was suddenly bouncing off the walls with energy to do things I've been putting off for months! Now that response has mellowed out a little little bit now and I'm looking to add in possibly a stimulant medication. We'll see. I hope this helps!🙂
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