Non-ADHD partner at wit’s end

[BobaTea999]

My boyfriend and I have been together for just over 6 years and he was diagnosed with ADHD about a year and a half ago. At the time, I felt relieved because he was finally getting help after struggling for a long time. But now the frustration is back. Instead of yelling “I don’t know” at me whenever there’s an argument, it’s “my ADHD!” Or “you wouldn’t understand, your brain is different!” And I know my brain is different. I have anxiety/depression brain, I know what it’s like to struggle. But I also know it’s not the same struggle. I try to support him the best I can. I try to take interest in his MANY hobbies, to listen when he’s talking and to pick up the slack around the house. But it’s all too much. I do the majority of the work in our relationship and around the house and I feel like all he does is take, take, take. He says he wants to help me and he wants to try and put me first but every chance he gets, he chooses himself. And I’m supposed to just give him as all the chances to get it right next time. Lately he’s taken to spending money we don’t really have on his hobbies and when I call him out on it, he gets defensive and makes excuses as to why he had to buy x or y right now and couldn’t wait or he goes behind my back and buys stuff after I said no. The spending of money we don’t have and being secretive about it is the last straw. I don’t know what to do from here. I want us to be able to stay together but I’m really feeling used.

[STEM_Dad]

Do you know which of the ADHD presentations that he has? There are three listed in the diagnostic manual: Predominantly Inattentive, Predominantly Hyperactive-Impulsive, and Combined (both of the others at the same time.

(Sometimes the diagnosis is just "ADHD", and the diagnostician doesn't specify the presentation.)

The impulsive spending you mentioned suggests Hyperactive-Impulsive (or Combined).

Since ADHD attention focus is interest-based, I'm not at all surprised that he switches between many hobbies... It's not uncommon for us. (I'm predominantly Inattentive, but I latch onto one cool thing after another. Being the nerd I am, I collect facts and information more than I do physical stuff...but I'm still a collector, still a hobbyist. My hobbies just happen to be focused on knowledge accumulation, circulating between several subjects I'm interested in.)

Regardless of the specific presentation, most people with ADHD have struggles with:

* Working memory issues

* "Time blindness" (Dr. Edward Hallowell describes this as "there's only NOW, and NOT NOW" to people with ADHD) ... this contributes greatly to time management issues

* Disorganization

* Planning for the future

* Emotional regulation

* Money management

* Attention management

* Distractibility

-----

How is he getting treatment for his ADHD ? Is he taking ADHD medication?

(Medication is usually the most influential treatment, but it can take time for doctor and patient to find an effective medication.)

Other interventions include:

* EDUCATION (learning about ADHD and how it affects daily life)...it's important for him to be interested in learning about his own condition, and about accomodations

* COACHING (help from an ADHD coach, life coach, career counselor, or financial coach can be helpful)

* THERAPY (people with ADHD often experience issues with anxiety, depression, or other conditions...also, most people experience at least one period of grief after their ADHD diagnosis)

[BobaTea999 in reply to STEM_Dad]

Thank you for commenting. Where to start? He’s currently taking Adderall XE every morning and that has made a lot of difference to his work performance and working memory throughout the business day. However, the Adderall is pretty much gone by the time he gets home. It’s an hour drive to work each way and a ten hour work day, so that’s a lot to ask of any drug. He’s thinking about talking to his doctor about trying another option to see how that might help.

His presentation is mostly the hyperactive-impulsive. He manages his attention fairly well most of the time and struggles more with hyper fixation and impulsivity than anything else. When we first found out about his diagnosis, that was his fixation. He’s a knowledge hoarder, like you said. All he did was listen to podcasts, read books and watch videos about ADHD. But that’s gone by the wayside in favor of model trains, Egyptology, learning Japanese and growing vegetables. And now so have some of his coping mechanisms. He has a therapist he meets with who I think is doing a lot of good. He is not an ADHD specialist but he’s been helpful working out some of the childhood trauma and negative behaviors that came out of growing up undiagnosed and having a parent with dysregulation and poor impulse control.

I have tried to educate myself as well, which is how I found myself here. However, I’m not getting much guidance on how to balance supporting him and my own needs at the same time. It feels like a lot of his behaviors are on purpose even though I know they’re not. I ask him to do something, he says he will and then he can’t make himself do it. And it seems like it should be so simple and that he’s purposely not trying just to spite me. I know intentions are key, especially for people with ADHD, but his good intentions do not keep his actions from hurting. Now I feel like I’m the problem because if I say “what you did hurt my feelings, please don’t” it starts a yelling match because he feels like he is being attacked and has to defend. I don’t know how to talk to him in a way that doesn’t make him get defensive and angry.

[breadandcircuses in reply to BobaTea999]

I'm sorry this is such a struggle! I have a history of chronic depression and c-PTSD and have the same kinds of struggles your partner is having with ADHD - I'm also hyperactive/impulsive and have a variety of obsessions that I try to channel in productive ways. The spending thing is real, but it's mostly gone away with meds - at least the meds give me a shot at stopping and asking myself if I really want whatever thing/service/etc. it is I'm thinking of buying.

I am not always the easiest person to live/deal with, although that's always improved when I'm not fighting my various mental illnessess. From my perspective, none of my diagnoses or conditions excuse me from behaving like at least an aspiring adult in my relationships. I know from my past that it's very easy to say, "oh, I'm just depressed - I didn't mean it," "your behavior is really triggering and that's why I was mean," my adhd makes me do/feel xyz and there's no way you can understand" and on and on. None of that is valid.

If you've tried talking to him about this at a time when things aren't fraught? Maybe tell him how it feels when he says those things. With regard to the spending, we have separate bank accounts - my husband has one that he manages that covers most of the bills and savings, etc. We have a joint account that I use mostly for groceries, credit cards, and things I want to buy. We discuss it, but whenever we both get paid, he moves most of the money into his account and leave me money for groceries plus whatever random stuff I want to buy. Not seeing a bunch of money in the account makes me way less tempted (and way less likely to overspend).

I used to work a job where I had 8-10 hour days and a 2-hour commute. I was worthless once I got home. I didn't have energy to do anything and I never had enough rest to make me anything other than a witch. It was worth the money at the time, but I quit after 2 years and moved on to something else - it just wasn't worth my health, frankly.

Last, have y'all considered couples therapy? Sounds like you both have your own unique struggles - working with a good therapist may help you sort through some of this and air your grievances in a more or less neutral setting. I bet there are things that you do that make him crazy - it's a two-way street, but it can be tough to come to that when all of the tensions are heightened.

[Gettingittogether in reply to BobaTea999]

I would not assume your relationship problems all have to do with ADHD. And even if they do have to do with ADHD, I think largely the same thinking applies when dealing with any other partner.

You want a partner who is compatible with you and with whom you have some chemistry, who you can rely on (as they rely on you), who can be supportive and kind when you need it (as you would be for them) and who takes full responsibility for themselves and for their quirks and how their quirks and conditions affect the relationship.

In other words, it's not your job to lower standards simply because he has ADHD--that doesn't work in romance. Really you want to be in a relationship where you are overwhelming clear about the benefits of the relationship ... and the benefits are so good that they pretty easily outweigh the down side.

Every has flaws and weaknesses and quirks ... and there are just differences (neutral) between the way people see the world and go about their lives.

Why are you in this relationship if it doesn't bring joy to you? It's his job to deal with the ADHD.

[STEM_Dad in reply to BobaTea999]

Since stimulant medications like Adderall wear off the same day, many people (both children and adults) need a booster dose to help them get through the end of the day.

The first ADHD medication the I was prescribed was Adderall XR (extended release). It did help me through the day at work, but I could tell that it was wearing off in the evening because my working memory capacity would diminish (I couldn't hold as much information in my head at a time) and I would start to get irritable, particularly with my kids...and I didn't like that. I wound up changing to a non-stimulant (which works 24x7 with no side effects as long as I take it with food), but my meds don't work for as many people as stimulants do.

Some people also get a second medication, such as Wellbutrin or Guanfacine, to address related issues.

-----

Counseling is definitely a good thing, particularly for 1) childhood issues, and 2) recent or current struggles.

I've found anxiety management and treatment for depression to be incredibly important to helping with managing my ADHD. (Anxiety causes my ADHD symptoms to be more severe.)

With ADHD (and also with Autism), very often a hobby is truly based on interest. Sometimes, it's used as a distraction from dealing with things that cause feelings of stress or anxiety (as I've done sometimes). The difference between ADHD and autistic hobbies/special interests is that with ADHD, we tend to cycle between several, while with autism it's more typical to keep the same interests persistently. (I bring this up because autism is characterized as often having "special interests", but ADHDers do, too. We just bounce between them a lot.)

-----

I think that the a couple of videos on the HowToADHD channel do a great job of talking about ADHD and relationships.

youtu.be/bZ-wCP4tjrg(Not working as expected?)

youtu.be/ZOiB5WreR0k(Not working as expected?)

.....

Relationship experts often mention that when you need to talk about issues, it's better to use 'I' statements than 'you' statements. Saying "you hurt my feelings" sounds like an accusation. But starting the conversation by saying "I'm feeling hurt" is expressing your state, and inviting your partner to listen.

(I don't explain this as well as you might find from relationship experts. Longtime relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman has a lot of good advice, including the statistic that couples who express at least 5 times more positive statements than negative ones tend to stay together, while those with a lower positive-to-negative ratio are more likely to break up eventually.)

[Wasted71years]

Hi BobaTea999

There are two attitudes to responding to something when ADHD makes that person fail to do what they should. One is to simply shrug your shoulders and blame it on the ADHD. Saying that the neurological defect was the cause is one thing, but it can't just be an excuse.

The other way to respond is to sincerely recognize that the behavior caused by the ADHD did harm or impact the other partner. Yes, ADHD was a cause but it doesn't absolve the partner. They need to work with you to find ways to deal with it. That was true in my reshaped and improved relationship with my non-ADHD wife.

I can't just become neurotypical. I will still make slip ups. Some things will be very challenging for me to do and my wife takes those on. What is important is that I find the things that I CAN accomplish and offer those as a trade for the things I find incredibly hard to do.

My rejection sensitivity was an issue - I would assume a negative and rejecting tone in things my wife said when it was just the RSD. Medication helps a lot with this, but my doctor has me take a one day 'holiday' every week and on those days the same feelings bubble up. What changed is that I realize this, so I can reshape my perception. My wife can point out that I am doing the RSD thing. Some people have code words they use to pull them right out of those negative spirals.

My wife is now aware of ADHD symptoms, so that she can reshape how she reacts if I forget something she wanted me to do or forget an appointment or holiday. I am regretful when I realize this happened because I do care about her, and the forgetting was not due to lack of care. She sees that I regret it and that I make strong efforts to make up for it.

We go through lists of tasks in the home, categorizing things that I have a lot of difficulty with so that she takes that on. We find the things that I have zero problem doing but is not particularly enjoyable for her; I do those. We work on the rest and try to find a fair balance. To be honest it is probably still 60% her and 40% me, but that is a big improvement. In reality that unfair division of labor is also widespread among neurotypicals, I think, but we keep working on it so that she doesn't feel mistreated.

It would never work if I just shrugged and said that I forgot an anniversary because I have ADHD then walked away. She has to feel that I do care, I do want things to be fair and equitable between us, and that she can see that I am indeed trying.

ADHD people develop a kind of overwhelm and sense that they aren't capable of doing the right thing. We build up a lot of negative self image. It may be that your spouse is so convinced that he can't change that he has given up. That is not fair to you, of course, but it is different from the case where he just doesn't care about what it does to you.

The bottom line is that you need your needs met in a relationship, just as he does. You may not get to meet those the same way you would with a neurotypical spouse, but I hope that with work, coaching and hope, the two of you can rekindle the reasons you originally fell in love and make a satisfying partnership going forward. Divorce is stressful and harmful too, but if that is the only way, then that might be the long term solution to a happier life. Good luck either way!

[Jozlynn]

On a practical note, you might consider asking his doctor for a booster in the afternoon. I take 30 mg XR in the morning, and a 15 mg IR Adderall in the afternoon. That gets me through the 'after work' period, particularly because I'm building my own business and continue to work in the evenings.

As someone who can absolutely relate to impulse buys, poor time management, horrible memory, etc., - I find it offensive when people blame their ADHD for their poor choices, as if they have zero say in their actions. ADHD doesn't mindlessly control us. Yes, ADHD ABSOLUTELY contributes to the situation, but we're still accountable for our actions and we're still responsible for rectifying our mistakes or errors or bad judgement, and how it impacts others. You can't just blow through joint finances and say, "My ADHD made me do it", and therefore not be responsible. Our ADHD does make it really, really freaking hard to resist things like impulse buys - but it's still ultimately our choice.

If someone was blowing through your money because they had a gambling addiction (for example) they can't just say "it's the addiction" and expect the response to be, "Oh, OK - you're off the hook". There are still consequences for their actions, and because they ultimately made the choice to do what they did, they need to take personal responsibility for it and do what can be done to rectify it instead of expecting others to clean up their mess. ADHD doesn't make us into a mindless machine that no longer has control over our choices. It makes it hella challenging and extremely difficult to do the right thing sometimes (like when we REALLY, REALLY want that 'thing' for our hobby), but we still have to hold ourselves accountable - particularly when it impacts another.

Your partner sounds like he uses his ADHD as an excuse, and it's not. It's a contributing factor, but we still have our own free will. We can still tell ourselves not to spend that money, knowing it's going to negatively impact others. Is that an easy choice for us? Absolutely not. In fact, denying ourselves in that situation can be downright mentally painful sometimes. We go through some serious mental gymnastics trying to justify what it is we want to do that is going to affect someone else, but how we handle "the landing" is ultimately on us.

Wasted71years really said it well. The people our actions affect need to know that we care about the fact that we've negatively impacted them - consciously or not. For memory things, that can't be helped - we can only work with what we have - and if the memory isn't there, it simply isn't there. But we CAN take responsibility for not doing something - knowing our memory sucks - to help us remember important things/dates, and we can own the fact that by not remembering, we've hurt someone else - even if we never meant to. The point being, the impact of our actions DOES matter. Having ADHD doesn't mean you can excuse/justify poor choices, nor does it mean we shouldn't do what we can to fix it (like returning the items that put us in a place to not be able to pay our mortgage - she says from experience 😏).

Your partner has damaged your trust, chooses himself over you on what seems like a regular basis, and is being deceitful by going behind your back - all to satisfy HIS wants. From what you've described, he doesn't seem to actually care right now about how his actions are impacting you - he just expects you to accept and live with it. (I fully allow for the fact that this might just be my read on the situation, so take it for what it's worth.) That is not a true partnership. I hope he doesn't continue to try to walk all over you and yet tell you you're not allowed to say you don't like being a rug. That's being willfully selfish. It just feels like, by him saying he feels like he's "attacked" when you tell him something hurt you, it's just an attempt to get out of the consequences of his choices and actions. As partners, it's our job to hear what our partner feels and take it at least under consideration. Defensiveness is an attempt to not deal with that, and therefore not be held to account. It feels like he's saying that HIS feelings and struggles should be paid attention to, but you should be adjusting yours to accommodate his.

Has he worked with a therapist or coach? Meds alone don't help us fully manage the 'symptoms' of ADHD, we need tactics and methods to help us work through how to make important decisions - among many other things. If he's willing to do one or the other, it might improve your situation significantly. I truly wish you both all the best and hope you're able to work through these things with mutual respect and consideration. <3

[VeganMoonBeam]

There has been some very insightful, honest and (possibly) helpful information provided in previous replies. I have been with my husband for 27 years and he didn't know he had ADD until approximately 14 years ago. The issues we faced then are still prevalent today. Sadly, your relationship will not be any different unless one of you is willing to change. When one person changes, the dynamic in the relationship will automatically change--hopefully for the better. My husband says he wants to change, yet his actions show otherwise. Please understand, profoundly, you CANNOT change him! I have tried everything to make my husband change and I have failed; he has failed me, he has broken nearly every promise (big and miniscule) he has ever made. It's now MY turn to change, as that is the only power I truly have. Will I remain in this marriage? Time will tell. For you, BobaTea999, I wish that you see what you have clearly, and remain steadfast is knowing what you want and deserve.