living a nightmares with my undisputed adhd husband

[troyhenn2]

i am living nightmares with my adhd husband for 30 years , in total denial / moody lazy, spender.wont talk , running away every time we have a disagreeing over the. most silly and unbelieve stuff he will do , lies , and blames me none stop , i am in such stress with him ,, he totally refuses to get help ,our son and granson adhd and his bro ,have adhd ,,,i walk on egg shells ,

[STEM_Dad]

Hi. Welcome to the community here.

I'm sorry that what you're going through with your husband is so bad.

ADHD can be hard on relationships, and undiagnosed ADHD can certainly be much harder, as you're experiencing.

For almost three decades, I was in denial that I was anything but neurotypical. But all my struggles caused me to be anxious and self-critical most of the time.

I felt bad that I was doing so poorly at everything, my academic and career progress, my relationship with my wife, all sorts of things... I just felt like I was going from failure to failure (or more to the point, always feeling like a failure).

For most men, that's a very destructive thing to the soul, it wears away at us.

I turned my negative feelings inwards. Eventually, it eroded my relationship with my wife, and our marriage fell apart (after she turned to someone else for validation... it's a long, sad story).

It sounds like your husband is turning at least some of that negativity that he's dealing with outwards.

Of course, it's never that easy. ADHD often comes with comorbidities. Two common ones are anxiety or depression. They might include other neurodivergent conditions, like Autism Spectrum Disorder or OCD. Other comorbidities can include behavioral disorders (in children and adolescents, some of these are called "conduct disorders"). And then there are also personality disorders.

• If your husband's behavior is so bad, he might be dealing with a more severe comorbidity, or even multiple*.

• Or, it might be just ADHD with Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD). (If he is experiencing RSD, it's not necessarily triggered by you. I went through a really difficult work situation for 3 years, during which time my anxiety was triggered by two people at work and a lot of unfortunate circumstances, but also from feeling that nobody was supporting me...it was a sort of RSD that mostly caused me angst, but only rarely triggered anger.)

*Not everyone with ADHD has comorbidities, but about 80% of us have at least one, and at least 50% of us have at least two.

~~~~~

If he will go to counseling or therapy, it would probably be the best first step to helping him change how he's reacting. My ADHD diagnosis didn't come until my anxiety started to be treated. I chose to go to counseling, but only after the anxiety came with me from that one awful job into a way better one, but I didn't get any better like I thought I would.

~~~~~

Look after yourself and your own needs. You can't make the decision for your husband, but you can get help for yourself. I hope and pray that he's not causing you or anyone else (including himself) any harm. The turmoil isn't okay to live with, either.

I have to add that if you ever find the you need help for your own safety and well-being, do not hesitate to get help. You safely is priority.

[troyhenn2 in reply to STEM_Dad]

thank you

[STEM_Dad in reply to troyhenn2]

You're welcome, of course. I only hope that you find something that truly helps.

You can't make him change. You can speak to him honestly and earnestly, but in actuality only he can choose to change himself.

I hope for the best for you and your family.

[troyhenn2 in reply to STEM_Dad]

THANKS , I JUST AM SO TIRED AND WARN , i am now 67 and i feel i am struggle all the time with him for 30 years , he is a lovely man ,,, but adhd is hard , But in his world he will not except he has it , every one knows , family . friends , workers ..strangers we work with as in builders , gardners, attorney , ect they look at. me and says AHH is he on something ? for some reson he gets every wrong ,and gets annoyed with anyone doing work for us , my hub has never ever paid a bill , but he has a good job 👍 and gives me money , but he buys and spends on everythink he wants and buys everyone drinks and always pays for meals with who we are out with, and change cars and bikes , ,,,, but forgets to pay any bills ever ever in 30 years we are married , i, he has packed his car to leave at least ones a month , and tells me thats it now , no more money for me ,,,,,,then i get him calmly down for a other out burst 💥 if i say something he in his head thinks i am getting at him , just please put cup in kitchen he is gone ,off again .. sorry for the rant , if he only excepted and we could work together he would be super , he is a lovely man but adhd is not nice untreated and in denial worse ,,,,he is like a child , totally irresponsible , adhd is really ,,,,,,

thank you , ps he will never ever except he has any issue 🥲

[cje313]

I am so sorry! I feel your pain! I am in the same boat! It is awful! I don't know how long I can take it - he needs to get help! We have been married for nearly 10 years and he has "self-medicated" with alcohol. I have done a deep dive since his dx in September and now know that the alcohol has only made it worse - explains a lot over the past 5 years.

[troyhenn2 in reply to cje313]

oh dear , you are only young , i am 30 years living with my husband adhd , one day a lovely. easy going guy ,Next day. could be horrible like living on eggshells, you must do what is best. for you and your own. health, i feel so sorry for you , i can only say i understand and hope you can. find happiness , good luck to you ,

[cje313 in reply to troyhenn2]

No - not young 😩. Second marriage and he is 61 and I am 58. So much in common! It is so frustrating that he refuses to get the help . My daughter was dx almost 2 years ago and I have seen the difference in her when she is medicated and the frustration she felt when she realized how different her life could have been with an early dx. She is 26 now.

I am struggling with how to deal with this, praying he will accept treatment, or do I divorce. It has been a very difficult year.

I will pray for you as well!

[troyhenn2 in reply to cje313]

please look after your self .58 is young ,he wont change ,like mine ,,,,nothing wrong with him its all your fault. ,,,,,,,, its a horrible thing when he is in denial ,,, there is life after him , be kind to your self , life. is very short ,,if you cant get a bit of happiness with him , please get peace with you self and daughter x family ,, god bless i wish you peace x happness x

[STEM_Dad in reply to troyhenn2]

That's a couple of times you mentioned "eggshells". The phrase "Walking on Eggshells" is used as the title of a book about Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

BPD is more rare than ADHD (BPD affects about 1% of the population, while ADHD estimates have varied from 4-11%, depending on the study).

Both have variable behavior, and it's common for people when BPD diagnosis as an adult to have had an ADHD diagnosis as a child.

People with BPD can be very loving and caring and self-sacrificing sometimes, and then seem very self-serving and difficult and conflict-oriented at other times.

(In some people, it has been confused with bipolar disorder, but it's not because bipolar follows a fairly regular cycle, while BPD doesn't seem to follow any cycle. It has been observed that episodes of bad behavior with BPD can be triggered by elevated stress, conflict or trauma.)

Like ADHD, BPD can only be diagnosed by a qualified medic or mental health professional.

The good news is that it has been found to be highly treatable with various therapy techniques. The difficult part is for the person to recognize that they have a problem and to get the help they need.

[troyhenn2 in reply to STEM_Dad]

thank you again ,i will check out BPD,,but what ever is my husband issue , he will never ever address it ,thank so much,

[GracePV]

Check out Narcissistic Personality Disorder. There should be another personality disorder called IMMATURITY. Sounds like he's got a big dose of that.

Big Hugs and be sure to care about and pamper yourself as much as possible.