Hi I'm new here but I thought I would give it a shot . Me and my partner have been together for 3 years engaged for 1 . He has adhd it's diagnosed but not treated.I've researched many things to try and learn more about it but there is a lot of problems in our relationship which h stem from his adhd he has agreed that is the case . However whenever I bring up anything to try and help manage it he says he will try but then doesn't he says he tells me he will try so it doesn't blow up into anything if he was ro say no .
I've asked him if he will seek professional help but he doesn't want to he doesn't believe its a problem even tho he agreed a few of our relationship issues are a result of his adhd for example his forgetfulness. I'm just wondering is there anything else I could try to maybe push him in the right direction of helping himself and therefore us and he sees it as me only thinking about myself which isn't the case I do worry that surely he can't be happy having adhd and I just want to help him manage it but I can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped but I can't understand why he wouldn't want to try if he can agree it's a reassuring issue in our relationship
Any advice is welcome
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Jelly2459
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This really isn't going to help, but I have made a resource exactly for this problem. In the hope it will help people relationships break down, I know it first hand, I've just been lucky to have my wife as anyone else would run for hills. I've managed 21yrs and 12 yrs married. So it's proof with a little bit of help it can work.
But CHADD won't let me share it. Like I'm trying to promote myself or make some sort of money from.
But free means free in my world. Buy hey it is what it is.
What I (hope) I can do is maybe cut little bits out and share it with you?
It's for the partner of someone with adhd (the neurotypical) as my wife really has taken the brunt of my adhd and found almost no resource to help the neurotypical, it's always all about the adhder themselves.
If you give me a rough idea of the exact area you would like help with ill try and find something in my resource and paste it here for you? So it'll just be someone TRYING to help others and not, as they put it 'self promoting'.
I've put a lot of effort in it and it's from personal experiences.
I'm not that educated but with some editing help from chatgpt I manged to make something from my skillful brain.
It's seem like something that would be so valuable to someone like yourself and right now feels like a complete waste of my time. Being prevented from helping others seem a bit stupid and really not helpful at all.
You say the word and I'll do my best, without getting booted! Lol
I've started taking simple nootropics with are just amino acids. The ones I take help with dopamine, serotonin, norepinephrine production and reduction in adhd symptoms.
They have seriously helped me and I've actually been about to reduce my stimulants without any of my symptoms rebounding and also only take a very very small dose of anti depressant.
Honestly I'd love all the help you could offer is there anyway to like dm on here or even dm on an app of some sorts so u could share everything freely I feel like it would make it easier for you
I have been using these nootropics for a round 3 weeks now and I havnt felt so settled, in my head and my life. I actually can't remember the last time I was this settled.
L-THEANINE
L-TRYPTOPHAN
L-CARNITINE
L-TYROSINE
These all effect dopamine norepinephrine serotonin and depression symptoms...I've been 3 weeks with only a very small dose of venlafaxine (75mg)... my sleep has been 200% better, no disturbing dreams, no anger, no anxiety, no overthinking, no sensitivity to emotions and most of no depression also my focus has been top form....These really have been a game changer for me....I have spoken to my doctor and told them I'm taking them and she was interested in how I get on and I'll be checking back in with her in 1 week.... Also I have told my mental health specialistist and she too was happy with how I'm responding to them....I would recommend speaking to you health professional of course....hope this helps.
Mechanism of Action: L-Tyrosine is an amino acid that acts as a precursor to the catecholamines dopamine, norepinephrine, and epinephrine. These neurotransmitters are critical for attention, focus, and response to stress. By supporting their production, L-Tyrosine can help modulate cognitive function and emotional resilience, particularly in high-stress situations.
Potential Benefits for ADHD: L-Tyrosine may help to alleviate cognitive deficits, improve working memory, and enhance mental flexibility. Its ability to support neurotransmitter synthesis can make it particularly effective when cognitive demands are high or in situations of emotional distress, which can be common in ADHD.
Scientific Research: Studies have shown that L-Tyrosine supplementation can improve cognitive performance under stress, particularly in tasks requiring attention, memory, and decision-making. For instance, research has demonstrated that it can reduce cognitive fatigue during stressful tasks and improve performance in environments that demand sustained mental effort.
Dietary Sources: L-Tyrosine is found in protein-rich foods, including chicken, turkey, fish, dairy products, nuts, seeds, and soy products.
Safety Considerations: L-Tyrosine may interact with thyroid medications, as it can affect thyroid hormone levels. Additionally, taking L-Tyrosine alongside monoamine oxidase inhibitors (MAOIs) could lead to an unsafe increase in norepinephrine levels. High doses may cause gastrointestinal distress, such as nausea, or headaches in some individuals.
Dosage: A typical dosage for ADHD ranges between 500 mg to 2 grams per day, often taken in divided doses. Start with a lower dose and gradually increase to assess tolerance.
L-Theanine
Mechanism of Action: L-Theanine, a compound found predominantly in green tea, promotes relaxation by increasing alpha brain waves without causing sedation. It also boosts the levels of GABA, dopamine, and serotonin—neurotransmitters that play vital roles in mood regulation and attention.
Potential Benefits for ADHD: L-Theanine may help reduce feelings of anxiety, which can exacerbate ADHD symptoms like restlessness and difficulty focusing. It can also enhance focus by balancing the calming effects of relaxation with a state of alert, calm concentration.
Scientific Research: Several studies have demonstrated that L-Theanine can improve attention, especially in high-stress environments, and help reduce cortisol levels. Its calming effects may make it an effective supplement when ADHDers need to focus without becoming overwhelmed.
Dietary Sources: L-Theanine is primarily found in green tea, with matcha containing particularly high concentrations. It can also be taken as a supplement.
Safety Considerations: L-Theanine is generally safe for most individuals, though it can lower blood pressure, which might interact with antihypertensive medications. It should be used cautiously by those with hypotension (low blood pressure).
Dosage: A typical dosage is 100-200 mg per day. Higher doses (up to 400 mg) may be used for heightened relaxation. It can be taken alongside caffeine to enhance focus without jitteriness.
L-Tryptophan
Mechanism of Action: L-Tryptophan is an essential amino acid that serves as a precursor to serotonin, a neurotransmitter that regulates mood, sleep, and emotional balance. L-Tryptophan increases serotonin levels in the brain, which is crucial for mood stability and emotional regulation.
Potential Benefits for ADHD: L-Tryptophan may help with mood stabilization, reducing anxiety, and improving sleep quality—key factors in managing ADHD. It could also help mitigate emotional dysregulation, a common challenge for those with ADHD.
Scientific Research: Research indicates that L-Tryptophan plays a role in serotonin production, which can positively affect mood and sleep disorders. There is also evidence that low serotonin levels are associated with depression, anxiety, and impulsivity, all of which are common issues for people with ADHD.
Dietary Sources: L-Tryptophan is found in turkey, eggs, cheese, milk, nuts, seeds, and other high-protein foods.
Safety Considerations: L-Tryptophan should not be taken with selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) or monoamine oxidase inhibitors (MAOIs), as combining these could increase the risk of serotonin syndrome, a potentially dangerous condition.
Dosage: A typical starting dosage is 500 mg per day, taken before bed to aid with sleep and mood regulation. Higher doses (up to 2 grams) may be used under professional supervision.
Acetyl-L-Carnitine (ALCAR)
Mechanism of Action: ALCAR supports mitochondrial function and brain energy metabolism. It also plays a role in dopamine release, a neurotransmitter that helps with attention, motivation, and focus.
Potential Benefits for ADHD: ALCAR may improve attention and mental clarity, helping reduce fatigue and enhance cognitive performance. It can be particularly helpful for individuals with ADHD who experience cognitive fatigue or lack of mental energy.
Scientific Research: Some studies suggest ALCAR supplementation could benefit individuals with ADHD, particularly those who experience difficulty with hyperactivity or cognitive function. Its role in energy production within brain cells can help maintain cognitive function during periods of mental exertion.
Dietary Sources: ALCAR is naturally found in red meat, poultry, fish, and dairy.
Safety Considerations: While generally safe, ALCAR may interact with anticoagulants, thyroid medications, and some antidepressants. It can cause mild gastrointestinal issues, such as nausea or stomach upset.
Dosage: A typical dosage ranges from 500 mg to 2 grams per day. It can be split into two doses, taken in the morning and early afternoon to avoid disrupting sleep.
Common Dosage Ranges:
L-Tyrosine: 500 mg to 2 grams per day
L-Theanine: 100-200 mg per day
L-Tryptophan: 500 mg per day (up to 2 grams)
Acetyl-L-Carnitine: 500 mg to 2 grams per day
These guidelines and dosages are a starting point. Always consult with a healthcare professional before starting a new supplement regimen, especially if you are already on medication or have any existing health conditions.
Here's is a small extraction of something I'm current working on. This should help you understand nootropics a little more and I have only given you the ones I take personally although there is others.
Amazing! Thank you for sharing! I'll be talking to my team soon about adding something along these lines! Glad to hear they are working so well for you!
No problem....they really have changed everything for me... L-tryptophan and L-theanine I take at night with ashwagandha...the other 2 I take first thing in the morning....good luck and I hope it helps you too 😊
Hello Jelly, I can only speak for myself when I say this.
When I was first diagnosed I thought it would help the misunderstandings, divergent fights, and maybe even bring closure on why I was so different. In the end it actually made it worse.
From learning that there is no one size fits all solution for ADHD, but to be expected to adopt a one size fits all "This is how we're going to deal with you", is outrageously frustrating. However the worst part was the understanding that no matter how painful my ADHD will never not affect those around me. Ignoring the symptoms hurt more in the long run.
Hi there I appreciate your take on things I understand adhd can be different for everyone who has it but I di belive it does affect those around whenever the sufferer is however my oarnter doesn't see this he says its his mental issue not mine so it's his problem I don't think he really sees how it also affects me and I know that may seem a bit selfish but it's true I'm just stuck I can't force him to understand I guess I just have to be patient and hope he learns to understand my point of view on the matter
I'm the ADHD partner, and we've been together 33 years, married for 30. My partner is also neurodiverse, but not ADHD. Neither of us was diagnosed for the first 18 years together. We had our share of relationship problems stemming directly from my ADHD before and after diagnosis. The worst one for me was feeling like a defective person that my partner felt he could fix if I just listened to his superior logic and changed myself, his project. It raised my hackles and made me feel lower than whale poop as a person.
If you've researched as much as you say, you've surely come across scientific information about how ADHD brains are wired. There is significant chemical activity that affects executive functioning, time perception, and emotional regulation. Even with trial and error using multiple medications available, many of us still struggle navigating the neurotypical world. So without medication, therapy and monumental efforts, many of us cannot function the way others expect us to.
If you cannot accept your fiance as he is, without needing him to change, you might be better off not staying together. His resistance to your insistence is part of his ADHD, and part of how he copes being a square peg which doesn't fit into the round holes around him. This isn't a moral question of right or wrong, it just is. It appears he is not able, or willing, or both to put effort into changing himself to your satisfaction. That probably sounds cold, but the facts are that if we were able to ease the struggles of ADHD by just trying a little, we all would do it! None of us enjoys being different, struggling, failing. We know we're a big disappointment to people around us, and when we forget, they remind us. Whatever you are doing, it is not "helping," no matter what you call it.
Either embrace your partner, including the quirks and annoyances, or release him. Hanging on and demanding he change is not good for either of you. Best wishes!
Thankyou this is really insightful actually and I see your point we cam never mold a person into the perfect being. If he show will to want to try and manage and learn about his adhd that would be good but I cannot force him I understand that and sometimes difficult choices may have to be made for the great good of us both so I shall keep that in mind thankyou 😊
Hi, thank you so much for sharing—your care and effort really come through in your message. Supporting a partner with ADHD can be incredibly challenging, especially when you’re trying your best to help, and it feels like your efforts aren't being received the way you hope. One thing that helped me personally—and might be a gentle entry point for your partner—is occupational therapy (OT). Unlike traditional talk therapy, OT focuses on practical tools to manage everyday struggles like forgetfulness, time blindness, emotional regulation, and more. It’s not about “fixing” the person—it’s about learning how to live in a way that works with the ADHD brain instead of constantly feeling stuck or frustrated. Your partner might be feeling overwhelmed, ashamed, or even afraid to admit how much ADHD is affecting him. Sometimes when people say “yes” but don’t follow through, it’s because they’re trying to avoid conflict but don’t yet have the capacity or readiness to take action. That’s really tough for both of you.
There’s a platform called Melo (hellomelo.co) that connects people to ADHD-specialized OTs—it’s super easy to get started and might feel more approachable than traditional therapy. Also, make sure to take care of yourself through this. Supporting someone with ADHD can be emotionally exhausting, and it’s okay to need support too. You’re not alone in this, and I really admire how much heart you’re putting into your relationship. 💛
Please don't take it personally. My biggest suggestion is to get some educational material on ADHD and leave it hanging around. Most often it is easier for a person to read from a reliable source. We build up patterns of behaviors over time. Sometimes the mistakes are just a repeat and repeat again and that is embarrasing to talk about.
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