Intimacy & Loss

[NotAChevy]

Ok.. this post really covers a bunch of topics I couldn’t really expand on..

1. Do you, as someone with ADHD, have a hard time showing affection to someone you really care about? I really am bad about this, and typically smother the person, or ignore them. I wish I could do better, but I don’t even know where to start. Am I the only one?

2. When I find someone “passes”, I don't typically cry, or show any emotion. Plus, once they're gone, its “out of sight, out of mind”. But, there will be random, typically inappropriate times, I'll think of them and blurt out something. Why do I do that?

I feel that these two areas contribute to my social ackwardness and get worse the older i am. How do i reverse it?

[STEM_Dad]

You're not the only one.

For once, I'm at a loss of words, because I don't know how to get past these sorts of things either.

(Romance is not my strong suit. I've only had a romantic relationship with one person my whole life, so far.) I know a lot about relationships and marriage...I've read a bunch of books and was married 20 years...but I'm finding it hard to move on since it ended.

[Prussic]

Welcome! I don’t know the “why” or “how” but I’ve struggled with the same things.

On the affection side I’ve had to learn how to handle RSD and hear my wife when she comments that she’s being neglected or being smothered. I’m learning how to hear her and talk with her about those tendencies.

I didn’t cry at all when my dad died. I made his casket and put him in it. I lost a baby daughter and didn’t cry for her until 15 years later. Everybody grieves in different ways and my therapist helped me to see how my ADHD and bi-polar don’t mean I “forget” them but that my brain processes that loss differently. Blurting things out? I think that’s a symptom of ADHD impulsivity.

I’m awkward socially as well. It’s one of the many things my wife hates about my ADHD. One thing I do that helps is to remember that I’m not doing or being X on purpose and if I do or say something “weird” or offensive to immediately apologize and ask, with all seriousness, how to improve. My two daughters are excellent at helping me. They’ll say privately “Dad, I love you, don’t EVER say that again!” Then they’ll tell me why. I’ve gotten into the habit of running things by them and asking if an action is weird or creepy. When I don’t? Well . . . Here’s the latest example:

I work outside and get fairly dirty. I went to the library after work to get some knitting books and other books to read at night so I stay off my damn phone. I, of course, lost my library card. I’m 47, male, and can’t wear a wedding band due to my work. A really nice young lady checks my books out for me. She’s my oldest girl’s age. 20 ish? She comments on how she likes to crochet. I thought I’d be helpful and tell her about the local yarn store’s upcoming sale/raffle. She looks at me weird and gives me my books and due date. I called my daughter and she said, “Dad, she thought you were trying to pick her up. That’s creepy.” Now I know.

I’m learning to relax, not beat myself up for socially awkward moments, and to ask for help. It’s gotten way easier the more humble I am and the more time I take to debrief stuff with my kids.

Those have helped me. Maybe there is someone dafe you can talk to without shame or embarrassment to debrief situations or actions?

[Jozlynn]

You're definitely not the only one.

My poor husband often feels like he's on a roller coaster because I'll go through stages where I'm very affectionate, which he is also, and then I'll just kind of stop. I do find that when something is being required of me mentally and emotionally (usually something to do with my business or one of the kids), that's when I tend to stop being affectionate. For me, it's as if whatever is being required of me mentally and emotionally taps me out and I don't have anything left to give my spouse. Thankfully, we're secure enough together that he doesn't take it personally.

As for grieving, I've actually recently read about how ADHDers do tend to handle grief and loss differently. That's why when I watch true crime shows and they say something stupid like, "She wasn't reacting the way you would think she should act" it absolutely pisses me off. People handle/process things SO differently based on so many different factors - and the way our brain is wired is one of those factors. For example, I lost my 25-year old son to suicide 2-1/2 years ago, and my grieving process has at times scared me because it hasn't been what I would've expected it to be. I mean, obviously it isn't out of sight, out of mind with my son - because I think about him every day - but it was when I lost my father and my brother. I lived in a different state, so I got to leave after the funeral and I think the fact that those particular losses were not "in my face" every day kind of facilitated that out of sight, out of mind reaction. When I do think of them, I still feel the grief - but it didn't take over the way I would've expected it to.

I too have no solution. I also find that the older I get, the more socially awkward I seem to be - which seems counterintuitive. However, I also think the fact that the older I get, the more I just accept that I am the way I am. Either people are going to get me or they aren't, and I'm done agonizing over the ones who don't.

Anyway, you're definitely not alone in this.

[KnightlyADHD]

I think a lot of us have some sort of social awkwardness. For example, sometimes I'll wonder what someone is doing and catch myself staring at them or simply spacing out in their general direction for a akwardly long time, and by the time I realize I was doing that, it's to late.

[MaudQ]

Masking (trying to act “normal”) adds awkwardness to the awkwardness and can really mess you up. Something that really helps is to have a person or people you don’t need to mask around. They don’t have to be your best friends - just people who can match your energy and interests. If you have a hobby or an interest it can connect you to kindred spirits. Puzzles, art, birdwatching, magic the gathering, fandom - the more obscure the better. Anything to remind you that you are an awesome neurospicy person as opposed to a failed normal. Then you can be less tense and more intentional when it is worth it to you to mask.

I think the others have covered the relationships and grief part. It’s really about communicating with the people you’re close with. Sometimes you may need to take the lead and initiate conversation: ie, please tell me if you feel smothered. But you only have to do that with the people you really care about.

I’m happiest with three tiers of intimacy: 1) very close with who I can really negotiate the ADHD part. 2) friends who are as weird as me 3) acquaintances and colleagues who are worth it to me to mask somewhat (I choose the amount based on what I want and need back). Oh, and I guess 4) which is spending time by myself 😊 My goal is to keep my battery charged so I can stay mindful in my personal relationships.

Almost all people are bad communicators. This is why we have wars and climate change. Normals just tend to be bad at it in the same way and tend to be more obtuse so it bothers them less.

[MaudQ in reply to MaudQ]

I feel like the autism community has a good take on social awkwardness. Less punishing than a lot of resources for ADHDers which are often based on a deficit model (ie starting with what’s wrong with you as opposed to your strengths). “Unmasking Autism” is a really good book. The AANE website also has a lot of resources that are inclusive of ADHD folks.

[sophiebrodie]

Your questions - answered (by someone who doesn't know what day it is).

1. I have a hard time showing "appropriate" affection. Maybe it's because of my trauma, but I'm always unsure if I'm doing too much, or too little, and I apologize about it.

2. I haven't lost a person, but I did recently lose a pet that I was close to. I was very, very upset for the first day, then was calm, then was very upset. It was a weird, on-again, off-again grief that made me feel guilty (did I really miss Chester?)

[Mamamichl]

this is definitely a big thing with me. Generally speaking, we have a light switch without the dimmer for our emotions, including intimacy. You probably don’t cry because you didn’t feel the connection fully and brush it off, but it could also be that you enjoyed some memories with them.