intimacy

[Prairiefrontporch]

does anyone else struggle with being touched? Or reaching a limit easily where you are unable to handle it any longer? I have 4 kids elementary school age all day with me as I homeschool. I am overstimulated and overwhelmed regularly, along with my personal space being limited with a 3 year old.. he even sleeps in my bed with me. I’m not complaining but with this I I have no desire to be kissed or touched or hugged by husband because I’m just touched out and overstimulated constantly. He’ says he feels like I don’t love him or desire him. Just one more person I’m letting down

[Zzyzx000]

I understand. I’m super sensitive to touch, and have been told many times “Oh, that couldn’t have hurt”. Well, then how come it hurts? In relationships, it’s not easy for me to be a cuddler. I hope that you and he can communicate about it. It’s hard to explain to people that don’t feel those sensations. ❤️

[BLC89]

Hello Prairiefrontporch,I feel you! And it's a tough one. I don't know that it is limited to ADHDers as many mothers i know feel this way.

Having said that, it is not uncommon for ADHDers to have sensory challenges - either needing things to feel a particular way or being physically overwhelmed by touching or particular sensations. Often kids need soft clothing without tags and many don't like being hugged.

One idea is to have your husband spend a full day (not a long lunch or play time, a full day) with all the kids and you get a full day's break from kids. Not sure a one day break is enough but his reward for a full day's work could be some snuggle time.

As best you can explain to your husband what it feels like for you and how maxed out you are from lack of personal space all day. And as best you can be kind to yourself, you are doing a lot worth 4 kids and home schooling. If you're physically maxed out, then you're physically maxed out. That doesn't make you a bad person, don't allow your imagination to run away with the self-chastise negative talk. All you can do is explain as best you can, you can't control what your husband thinks.

Don't guilt yourself into intimacy it will result in resentment toward your husband. Give him a chance to understand and support.

I hope that helps or sparks some ideas.

BLC89

Full disclosure: I am an ADHD Parent Coach. I have been married to ADHD for nearly 30 years and raised two kids who have ADHD.

[STEM_Dad]

Fortunately, there's much more to intimacy and closeness for a couple than physical intimacy.

The phenomenon of being touched-out is not uncommon. How to address it is going to be unique to your situation.

When my youngest kids were little (from birth through preschool ages), I would do my best to help out with them as I could, from the time I got home. (As a dad, I didn't mind changing diapers, giving my kids baths, doing the whole bedtime routine. I knew that my wife had to do everything with them all day and needed a break.)

• We each had our issues, though. Our marriage was definitely unbalanced. I didn't speak up for my own needs, and she tended to take advantage of me.

After getting my ADHD diagnosis and finally starting to work on my personal needs, the marriage went downhill fast. (I won't do into detail, but we're now divorced.)

As I was trying to fix things, to keep the marriage together, I dove into learning all I could. So, I'll share what I think might help.

~~~~~

First, the more your husband can do with the kids when he's home, so you can have time to recover, the better you might do.

• When you do get that break, try to do something to help you reset, like: take a walk, sit outside and enjoy nature a bit, do some yoga, get on a workout, take a shower, read a chapter in a book, run a short errand (a feel-good errand like dropping off donations, not a must-do one like paying a bill or grocery shopping), or do some meditation. --- The goal is not to dump the kids on your husband, but to give yourself a chance to do something intentional to reset your attention system...so about 20-30 minutes, maybe more or less based on your needs

• Make it more like a ritual than a routine, but also have some ideas about short things you can do for self care when you can (like 5 minute mindfulness breaks).

~~~

Consider therapy:

• Individual therapy for yourself

• Couples counseling [I've heard very good things about counselors who use the Gottman Method]

• Sex therapist [not just for functional issues, their broad training can encompass other physical, sensory, emotional, and even intimacy issues], they might be able to treat a couple, not just an individual [I'm not certain, but I think I heard that]

Tip: you can ask to interview a counselor before deciding to book sessions with them, so you can gauge if they will be a good fit for you

~~~

Add some intentional flavor to your relationship with your husband. I'm not suggesting roleplay (if you're both into that, more power to you).

Rather, I mean fostering things you both enjoy. Telling jokes or sharing anecdotes, pictures of beautiful things you happen across, interesting positive/intriguing news and what you think of it, hiding little love notes for each other to find... whatever your dynamic, what the two of you do has to be meaningful for you both (or it might add to negative feelings). It's little things that enhance a relationship that help it to bloom and grow.

... The point is to enjoy your relationship again.

Do go on the occasional date.

Plan an overnight getaway for just the two of you at least once a year.

All these things can have an element of anticipation, which can help boost feel-good neurotransmitters.

~~~

And, of course, see your doctor regularly. Other health issues can contribute to how you feel emotionally.

[Prairiefrontporch in reply to STEM_Dad]

Thanks so much

[STEM_Dad in reply to Prairiefrontporch]

You're welcome. I hope there's something in my long reply that's helpful.

I forgot to mention that I think the books "Love and Respect" and "The Five Love Languages" are very helpful. (Though I'm recent years they've had some criticism. But I think they're good for developing some understanding and conversation.)

~~~

I've never been touched-out before, so I can only imagine what it must be like. It must be anxiety-inducing.

My mom has always been touch-reactive. She wasn't abused growing up, so I think it's just how she is... likely Sensory Processing Sensitivity, knowing our family.

~

My current personal situation is quite opposite... I'm feeling touch-starved.

• I'm divorced now. Not in a relationship, and not looking for one at the moment. Mostly weekends with my kids, and since they're getting bigger & more independent, and less interested in hugs. --- For most of the 20 years that I was married, my wife was not that touch-centric with me...she liked me giving her back, neck and foot rubs, but didn't reciprocate.

• It was only towards the end of out marriage that I discovered my secondary Love Language is Physical Touch, thanks to my youngest kids being snuggle-monsters when they were little.

(How long HAVE I been touch-starved?)

[Jozlynn]

Hi Prairiefrontporch!

Wow do I relate to this! I have 4 kids - all approximately 2 years apart - and this was SUCH an issue for me. They're adults now, but I still have strong memories of being fully touched-out. I'm talking to the point that if my husband touched me for more than a few seconds, I would pull away because it made my skin crawl.

STEM_DAD gave some excellent suggestions, as usual, and I just wanted to reinforce his suggestion that once your husband gets home, you get at least a short amount of time to yourself. You are pouring out for other people's needs and constantly being touched on, all day - and you need some time to refuel your emotional reserves. I also homeschooled my kids for many years and when my (now ex) husband would come home, my tank was absolutely empty and my body craved total autonomy for a little while. We worked it that he would come home and that was my cue to go take a walk or head out to run an errand, or whatever it was that provided that alone time. It honestly didn't need to be much, and it's not like I walked back into the house ready to welcome a bunch more touch, but I could at least walk up to my husband and hug him without letting go quickly.

I hope some of what's been written will help!

[Prairiefrontporch in reply to Jozlynn]

Thanks so much for your reply