Do you think having ADHD impacts on your friendships/ lack of?
My closest friends are all related to me, or one girl from school who has been my best friend for 15 years.
I’m not overly exraverted so there’s that, but I also genuinely believe I have decent social skills, am friendly etc and am at least averagely likeable.
But in my twenties (28) I haven’t really established any friendships. I’ve met people, I’m friendly with people- but I haven’t really developed any close friendships.
I was thinking today whether ADHD contributes to this? Honestly I find small talk just, work, having to maintain a friendship to let it develop into a deeper mor real connection is just something that I don’t, or haven’t bothered with. I struggle with that kind of stage in a friendship where you got to do things like catch up for a coffee, message about mundane things. I only really bother with already established friendships or family because I don’t have to talk about the weather or other things to be polite but that I’m not interested in. Honestly I tune out when sally starts talking about her kids upcoming school play or Bob starts telling me about his meal plan for the week. I care about people, just not their details. I feel kind of horrible writing this out.
Does anyone else find this with friends? Or am I just an asshole? It’s something that I would like to work on.
Does ADHD impact your friendships/ socialising in a different way? Would love to hear your thoughts
P.s please don’t judge me I’m sure you’re aunt’s friend’s husbands renovation plan is a great story...To someone else..
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Lani24
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Most of my friends are either adhd or they get energy from me (and have told me that on occasion).
I think, act, talk, and operate differently than most non-ADHD people. However, I don’t think either of those things cause me to not be accepted. It’s a lack of self confidence that used to cause that- when I’d go into social settings telling myself I’m different and can’t socialize, guess what latent energy gets conveyed in my behaviors?
I love my friends who have adult adhd more because we generally have more similar bonding points and that’s really the only reason why. If I had more in common with many of my non-ADHD friends I’d spend more time with them.
Also- small talk is boring as hell for me too. I remember as a teenager I’d be the kid coming up with the crazy ideas that all the other kids would follow along with. I just had more energy than everyone else around me. I remember when the other kids would get worn out and decide to sit around doing nothing (drinking or smoking pot, whatever they’d be doing), I’d get so bored that I’d have to go do something stimulating to engage my hyperactivity- like playing music, researching some new topic of interest, or inventing some new crazy ass idea. We were the indigo children and now we are the lightworkers.
Hi there I have Inattentive ADHD. I'm in grad school to become a clinical psychologist and have studied ADHD for about 5 years now. People who have Inattentive ADHD or have Combined Type ADHD where the ratio is more on the Inattentive side, are usually a bit more introverted. This also stems from our personality types that come from a very large range of factors that include multiple facets of nature and nature.
You might want to look into the Myers Briggs personality examination, it's based off of research from psychiatrist/psychoanalyst Carl Jung. I have an INTP personality type, which is one of the most introverted and analytical minds. I am not shy at all. I have been on stage performing music and speaking in public since the mid 90s. I related to a majority about what you said about connections with people. Here's my scoop
I have very few friends who I am really close to. The reason I'm close to them is because of the intellectual, artistic, and deep philosophical connection I have with them, not to mention that they also have Inattentive ADHD and are Combined types with a larger ratio of Inattentive ADHD. I like seeing them maybe once or twice a month usually one on one. Other than that, I do not like being around people, I hate mingling, I hate going to parties (unless I'm performing music at them), and I ESPECIALLY HATE SMALL TALK, I've always considered it fake and unnecessary (INTP's are known to hate small talk). I'm into a very large variety of stuff that most people would not understand or have never heard of. Most people I come across are like robots, they all like the same predictable bland garbage the media conditions them to like (this includes tv shows, food, attending events etc), and that to me is the most boring thing of all. With the condition I have, I need my reward system to be stimulated, which is why intellectual rhetoric whether it be of aesthetics, entheogens, mind altering experiences, acting, impersonations, surreal/dark humor and the social sciences to name a few really pump me up and inspire. Talking to someone about some popular show or restaurant is my lullaby, and will get me so bored that I'll physically start to get tired.
I’ve noticed a lot of people with ADHD have a hard time with small talk. It’s not very interesting so our brains start looking for something better to do and our attention wanders. Next thing you know they’re looking for a response and you realize you didn’t hear most of what they said.
I also read somewhere that ADHDers often have a harder time recognizing social cues.
I find it easier to make friends if I’m open about my ADHD and what it means with anyone I plan on spending a large amount of time with. This way when you stop listening in the middle of their story you can just apologize and tell them so and they will be more understanding because they know why.
It does impact relationships. I'm learning that now since I was just diagnosed a few months ago at 61(!!!). I've been doing a lot of reading/researching/watching "How to ADHD" YouTube videos about it and it's real. So, your intuition is right. I just wish I had known all this when I was your age. I have hurt so many people. And even though I've been married 40 years, I'm realizing how my ADHD has negatively impacted my marriage--it hasn't always been a fun 40 years. Hang in there. You are not alone. Learn as much as you can. Good luck.
I am also in my early sixties and I'm not on any kind of medication and it seems that my symptoms are worsening. I have no friends at this point and I have many many regrets about the people I've hurt and took for granted without even knowing that I did it. For some reason I can look back and see things but I can't see them when I'm actually in the middle of them.
Sadly yes. I was diagnosed late but the pieces all fit in now, and years latter I feel very robbed of life experiences because no one diagnosed me right, no one helped me when I sought help. I hope it is easier for the younger generations. Most of my friends are in another state and I haven't made any really here where I have to live now. Makes it hard looking for work as well. When I worked in IT a lot of my coworkers had it and we all communicated so much better, and some became friends. I miss them.
Yes ADHD definitely has an impact on friendships. Being An ADDer myself I am socially clueless when it comes to picking up those little cues. I have found that by following a few simple rules I may not have a lot of friends, but those that I do have are close, and have been there for a very long time.
I treat everyone with respect, and try to reciprocate what they do..... I think it was George Clooney who said” treat me nice and I will treat you better, treat me bad I will treat you worse.” I personally just cut them out of my life if I am not treated right, I feel anger and getting even doesn’t make me feel better. Cutting them out and living the best I can serves as it’s own reward.....
Hi, I don’t have ADHD but I do have an anxiety disorder and not only has it severely effected my friendships but it also has effected my perception of friendship. I don’t like mundane chit chat either, haha, I think thats a healthy thing, but sometimes rather than ignore it I let it get me down and then I withdraw and over analyze it (why are work conversations so lame!) Not to imply that is what you do but sometimes engaging in those conversations can make other people happy or move the day along. My fiends these days including my ex seem to be all upset with me and my continued complaining. I know I do it and they hate it but it’s hard for me to stop. I would like to make friends with more mental disorder people, um sorry if that sounds wrong! Because most of my friends are mentally stable...or so they think!
If I could just make one friend that doesn't have a mental disorder I'd be a happy happy happy person. I'm like velcro when it comes to socially unacceptable people LOL I used to reach out to them and do my best to befriend them but I found that it many times turned into a nightmare and drained me emotionally so I had to back off from helping significantly. Most mentally healthy people typically don't want to be around other people that have issues. It's good to be around healthy people because you can draw from them and learn from them. When you've had a very dysfunctional upbringing and added to add it's a lifelong battle. I'm a devout Christian and without my faith I don't believe I'd still be here.
I was lucky to grow up in a very populated area wheeler many kids had parents who worked and so we acted as a supplement family forwards one another. It at times though turned out to be disfunctional one. I got in trouble as a youth and partied too much. I was undiagnosed for OCD so my normal friends just took it as essentric behavior. Once I became sober few friends remained but the ones that did were incredible. Overtime though my OCD remained and it became obvious something was wrong with me but those friends thought it was a conscious choice on my behalf and even after my diagnosis people felt it was something I could easily change. At that time my normal friends became outsiders because mental illness is the war inside. I found myself craving one person to share stories with. No one understood the extent of my suffering. I wanted to give myself bruises and lie and tell people it was a symptom to gain sympathy from them. I believe it’s good to have non MD friends for perspective but having friends who can share your struggle is a blessing too. I find that in trying to overcome anxiety that I have done more soul searching than my mentally healthy friends and they need to catch up on that!
Hey thanks for the reply Tikirob. I can hear the emotional pain in your reply and I can relate very much. People are really not equipped to understand or possibly comfort another person under these circumstances. Unless of course, they find it in their heart to really do research and learn about these issues. They can however be a friend in spite of our idiosyncrasies. That we know is a choice. Truth is most people just have all their stuff going on and they don't seem to have a whole lot of time for others anymore. So, we have forums LOL that we can reach out and touch other people and know that we're not alone. I pray that God sends you and myself a person that we can just share those stories with and a person who sincerely wants to hear them
I only have one friend who has ADHD. I love him dearly. I feel so natural when I’m with him even though our lifestyles are a bit different now, he is extremely active, bikes every where and is on his way to completing the Arizona trail 800 something miles. He doesn’t take ADHD medication. He drinks and smokes a lot of weed. But I accept him his life. I worry and hope he’s careful , he can be very extreme. I wish I had more friends who are like me. I’m a bit of a loner
I can really relate to what you're saying about the making friends and losing them quickly. I have no problem making friends but I don't even want to try anymore because I can't seem to keep them. And the other thing is the small talk. I've been that way my whole life. I actually had to learn how to make small talk and almost be superficial with people. I've always been the type that the minute I meet you I just start talking about as deep as deep goes LOL it freaks people out and they want to run cuz they don't know what to do with it. But in a way I can relate because when someone does that to me it kind of freaks me out too. There's got to be a middle-of-the-road.
YES! Just happened to me last night. I was at a concert early and there were a lot of people I knew but I couldn't find the juice to talk to them. I am much older than you and as the older friends - uh - return to the earth, I am feeling quite lonely.
I keep a VERY small circle of friends and even have difficulty maintain this small number of friendships. I don't worry about it too much. If I wanted to contact people and maintain friendships I would. I'm not unpopular, I feel well liked, it's just not a priority for me and I find chit-chat bores me and I zone out of such conversations.
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