I'm not really sure what I am supposed to say here, but I'd like to share something that has been bothering me for a while. I'm not sure if what I am experiencing is a symptom of ADHD or not, but maybe someone else knows what I'm talking about.
I seem to have this issue where I will be having a discussion with someone about a certain topic or issue, and I will say something that makes sense in my head, but not out loud. When this happens, sometimes the people I'm talking with will correct me or counter what I say with something else, and I feel obligated to agree or say "Oh, that's true". I'm not sure if what I am experiencing is just a lack of knowledge or something else.
I like to think that I am a smart person, but sometimes my brain will think one thing and my mouth will say it, but not entirely if that makes sense. I'm not sure if I am explaining this right, but I hope that someone out there understands.
Thanks.
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Hufflepuffgirl
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First of all, welcome to the community and this forum Hufflepuffgirl .
I have often experienced the same sort of thing, where I'll think if something to say because it makes so much sense in my brain, but it either comes out wrong, or when I hear the words out loud they seem so much different than they did in my head.
I'm used to living in my head. I'm naturally introverted and introspective. I am also endlessly curious, so I learn about new things all the time. My brain is constantly making new connections.
The problem is that trying to express one single clear thought is like trying to look at one small fish in a large aquarium full of many colorful fish, rocks, plants, coral, and kitschy fish tank decorations. There's so much going on, but I'm trying to describe the one fish and what it's doing.
Ironically, now I'm not sure if I picked a good analogy. But I hope it makes sense.
In my experience, the ADHD brain is as fascinating as it is frustrating. Able to think very abstractly, and at times very insightful, but often my thoughts are getting in the way of each other.
This is actually a great analogy - or at least ine that my brain can relate to!
I have similar difficulties. I feel like I am socially stunted. I’m often stuck with saying what I think, with no malice intended, but people around me take it as being overly critical or offensive. And I can’t wrap my head around what would be a better way to say things
An example:
My boss built a display shelf at work. He generally just slaps stuff together and says “it will be fine”. We just go along with it. But this particular thing was well thought out and detailed - routered edges, stained, perfectly measured. He was very pleased with it. When he showed it to me, I said “wow! That’s really impressive. I like it. I wouldn’t have guessed that you made it!”
Someone else standing there said “you didn’t actually just say that, did you?” My boss said “It’s okay, she knows that most of what I make is crap.” I tried to recover by saying “It looks so professional…” and was told that I was jusr digging myself in deeper.
I checked this with a friend and my adult kids later. They said “that’s so rude of you to say”. And I was lost. I couldn’t figure out how to say that it was impressive - and beyond what I expected (and even that is negative).
I wish that there were social skills classes for ADHD adults. I have spent a lifetime (I’m 55) driving people away unintentionally. As a result, I am at the point where I don’t have any friends and I am afraid to even try to make them.
I’m constantly telling myself to “stop talking” and to try and temper the words that come out of my mouth (but still appear interested in other people). It’s hard, I have often been in the midst of a conversation with someone and I start to realize that they are trying to get away from me. But my brain is on cascading mode and I feel like I have to get all of the details of the story or idea out. I am only now recognizing that I monopolize conversations. The man that I was seeing previously told me that I “lecture” when we were trying to have a discussion about the state of our (now failed) relationship.
I am also VERY prone to oversharing. I don’t know if anyone else struggles with this. I’m often screaming in my head “why did you just say that??” or reminding myself silently “don’t say too much, don’t say too much” I find that I spend so much time and mental energy on self-monitoring what I say that I am just better to not talk to people at all.
I dig myself deeper and deeper to trying to salvage the award situation. The most recent one is I have an issue with a senior manager diminishing and minimising me frequently , thinking that she is subtle about it. I tel my manager o n MS Teams that I think that the SM is insensitive although she is fully aware of my diagnosis. Realise seconds later that they were sitting next to each other and my manager did not have her headphones on...oh this was just last week and beat myself about it
Perfect analogy! Isolating a thought and fully expressing it is so difficult because others don't hear the context that we pull them out of in our heads. My husband always says I assume that he knows what I mean but it doesn't make sense to him because he's missing pieces. After I clarify, he always says I should have started with that and he would have understood right away. I can't seem to say things in the right order for him. I rarely have trouble with other people because they just ask for clarification if they need it. Hubby has his own neurodiversity (OCPD) that nitpicks for a level of precision I don't have. It can get dicey sometimes 😳 but he's learning that I don't do it on purpose and takes it less personally.
It just seams like we are having the same conversations. I thought I was crazy but since joining this, I cannot believe how many have the same struggles and almost the same conversations, that cannot be just coincidence.
Could simply be that you formulate the idea in your head alone and you're fine, and then as you begin to speak, anxiety kicks in and the anxiety disrupts the coherence of what you're saying. And then insecurity kicks in after anxiety.
You don't have to back off what you say.
You can politely say. "Good point, but let's see. Let me see if I can be more clear. Sometimes I'm not a great speaker."
For some people openly acknowledging their speech weaknesses is liberating and freeing. Others no so much.
You have a right to be a less than perfect speaker. Very few people are great speakers.
Finally, the person you are speaking to (who objects to your point) may simply not get what you're saying. Your point may be more clear than you think--but just not to this person.
You can actually practice and improve your speaking fears ... Also, there are probably some good articles on the webt on speech and speech therapy and speaking and anxiety and conversation and anxiety. You can also go to a speech therapist or a general anxiety therapist who would immediately get you practicing with people each week as part of your homework.
It's funny, sometimes for me it's like my brain moves so quickly, but its external manifestation can convey the opposite. Thinking about it like a game of chess, it's like I've already mapped out my next 15 moves and every choice my opponent could make but instead of playing those out externally, my brain is so impatient/ forgets that all of those moves haven't been externalized and accidentally just immediately goes for the last move in that potential sequence forgetting that the key to its effectiveness is rooted in the progression I created in my head but didn't actually make known to anyone but myself. My opponent then sees someone who made a careless move, not knowing I could've taken their queen in 5 minutes if I had just played things out, outside of my own head.
Anyways, just my way of saying, I bet you're pretty smart and you're not alone
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