Conversations & Confortations

[NotAChevy]

I really didn't know what to call this, but here’s the scenario:

You in a social setting and someone approaches you and starts a conversation. You really want to talk with the person, maybe they're a “bigwig” in your field, or they’re someone you're interested in romantically, and you can't talk to them?

Some of us are just shy around strangers, but I really believe that we become insecure around others, and that's part of our ADHD. We want to be social, but the one-on-one is too awkward, so our eyes wonder, we fidget, and we don't act interested. If we try to correct ourselves, we appear creepy- like we're staring at someone as they talk.

I also find myself losing words, and not being able to think of words, or subjects, quickly. For example, my work in the data management field, like all fields, has its own verbiage; and the other day, I was talking with someone and totally lost the word I was looking for. I had not take my meds and looked like a complete noobi, which I'm not. I was so embarrased. That's so unlike me. But, it happens often; why?

I'm the type that would rather discuss a “sticky” matter, or request something through an email, than face to face.

My meds help me a little, but this is still something I'm very aware off. What do you do to genuinely listen to someone, yet not appear creepy, or disinterested?? And, how do you deal with lost words during a conversation?

[STEM_Dad]

The issue with lost words is very familiar for me.

I'm naturally introverted, in addition to having Inattentive ADHD, plus anxiety, and I think something else similar to ADHD*.

Many years ago, I worked in retail sales and other customer service types of jobs. Then, I started working on technical support. Through those jobs, I had to develop conversational skills, at least for short interactions. In a work setting, it's now easy for me to carry on a conversation.

At social gatherings, I suck at it... I'm awkward, miss a lot of social cues (or don't know how to respond properly to them). I have gotten better at making eye contact, but when I overthink it, I end up glancing too frequently at someone's face to try to catch cues. When I do start to feel like I'm being awkward, I usually say something self-deprecating (that I hope is actually humorous, and not just pitiful).

The only people that I seem to have a hard time reading are superficial or narcissistic people...my empathic "spidey sense" just gets a blank reading from them.

(I'd rather talk with the most animated Hyperactive-Impulsive ADHDer or the most socially awkward ASDer any day! At least they seem like very interesting humans, and not like talking mannequins.)

Oh, and I never know what to do with my hands, so I usually wind up put them in my pockets.

...

*(I think I have Cognitive Disengagement Syndrome, or CDS: a condition that's likely a comorbidity of Inattentive or Combined ADHD ... previously known as Sluggish Cognitive Tempo, SCT. It's not in the DSM, though it has been studied for decades.)

[blue1jay3 in reply to STEM_Dad]

As some one who struggles to connect with people in addition to my ADHD traits, I love and appreciate this statement.

"I'd rather talk with the most animated Hyperactive-Impulsive ADHDer or the most socially awkward ASDer any day! At least they seem like very interesting humans, and not like talking mannequins.)"

"I never know what to do with my hands, so I usually wind up put them in my pockets."

They say to keep your hands visible. and I too like how it feels to have my hands in my pocket; it helps me feel connected to myself. however, in social interactions, i keep my hand out of my pockets by rubbing the knuckle of my thumbs against my outer tights. This helps me stay present, and it also prevents me from touching my face, covering my privates, or when i am done talking with my hands--it gives me something to do besides putting my hands in my pockets.

So what's so bad about putting your hands in your pockets? Think about it; when you have your hands in your pocket, who ever you are taking to is waiting for you to take your hands out of your pocket because they want to see what you are going to give them, what you are going to show them, or what you are keeping from them. and then when you leave never having taken your hands out of your pocket, the person feels disappointed because they never got to see what was in your pocket.

[STEM_Dad in reply to blue1jay3]

I hadn't thought of it that way about people keeping their hands in their pockets. That's probably because I don't expect people to give me anything, unless they have told me in advance that they have something to give me.

This new revelation makes me wonder how self-centered the majority of people must be. I understand young children to be that way, but I'm surprised at the thought that adults would be expecting someone to randomly give something in a conversation simply because they put their hands in their pockets.

• <My automatic thought at that last statement I made was: "Hello!!! It's a CONVERSATION. My thoughts expressed to you by my words are the gift I'm giving, and I'm receiving the gift of your words in exchange." To me, thoughts are valuable. But maybe that's because I'm naturally introverted, and the world inside my head is often more real to me than the physical world around me.>

[STEM_Dad in reply to blue1jay3]

Follow-up on my "talking mannequin" observation...

I think that's what puts me off of some people. They don't seem to be real or genuine, they are too controlled in their expression and too intentional in the words that they say.

I once worked for a boss who I think is a narcissist, and he was fake but very polished, he was very gifted with his speech (like the stereotype of a used car salesman). It was the worst working relationship I've had with any boss, because I'm very empathetic and he wasn't.

Now, I work somewhere that there is a very influential leader, not someone that I work under, but someone who has much influence over my working conditions. I feel like this person is a covert narcissist. I feel like they have passing the buck on their own bad decisions, letting me and others suffer as a result; then this person deflects the blame. That's how it feels and how it looks to me.

I also feel like this person is trying to bait me into saying something defensive, which would also deflect attention from their bad choices.

(I'm so looking for another job. That individual is one of the reasons why, along with not getting paid well enough, my long commute, and mostly the anxiety I feel from working there.)

[Mtofhills]

I have found having a few basic scripts for interactions in my back pocket helps. Maybe it isn’t this way for you but I know my ADHD has often made me overthink to the point that I think everyone else on the planet must’ve already talked about anything meaningful so there is no point starting a conversation at all. I have worked to remind myself that this isn’t really the case and everyone appreciates being told some appreciates their work, or wants to know how pets/people are doing. Basic convo starters are okay even if they seem too simple to really function.

[btsatx]

I can relate. I found having a few things in mind to talk about or questions to ask is helpful. Asking the other person questions and genuinely being interested in what they share helps. Practicing active listening.

I came across another resource: jaunty.org/blog.

I attended a free session and found it helpful as well. They teach you how to keep the conversation going, what to talk about, etc. I think the key, is to practice. The more we practice, the more confident we get, the easier it is, etc.

[KoalaWalla]

I think taking a deep breath might be helpful. Sighing out with “ocean-sounding” breath. I struggle with intense perfectionism and procrastination which now seems to be considered an “emotional regulation” issue. Everything about our culture is rooted in violence and some of us are more sensitive to it. It sounds like you are talking about conversations where you have to “perform” and you feel like you choke. Story of my life.

[Quincie]

A lot of this is your perception & ongoing internal self judgement.

Small talk boils down to asking questions about the other person & when they finish answering, asking another one. Don't worry so much about what you're going to say - focus on them. You can practice this with a friend.

I misremember words & mispronounce them chuckle about it & move on. You have this perception that's all the other person is going to take away from that time spent talking with you. I assure you it's not.

If you have an introverted nature then you can't expect to be instantly at ease with conversation - be kind to yourself - & apply the initial advice. Extroverts are the easiest to talk to because they love talking about themselves. Introverts need to manage their energy because social interactions drain energy.

[ADJB in reply to Quincie]

This is good advice. I have inattentive ADHD which is often characterised by inhibition. In my case I don't often feel apprehensive about starting a conversation, but I often cringe at what I've said after the event.

My opening gambit is always to introduce myself. Hi, I'm John - is often all it takes to put someone at ease. I do find it hard to remember what people tell me, so I try to keep it brief unless I'm on a roll, then all I have to look out for are signs of boredom in the person I'm talking to. Sometimes I find myself with another enthusiastic conversationalist and the conversation can go on for hours - this happened recently when I had to take a long train journey to get my medication. We had a great time.

The beauty of this type of encounter is that I'm unlikely ever to see them again, so my unreliable memory matters much less and my self-reproach for anything clumsy or tactless I may have said affects me less. Indeed, I sometimes think I could get all my social interaction from brief encounters although I would miss the occasional interactions I have with my few long-term friends.

[Quincie in reply to ADJB]

That sounds like a great way to have passed time on the train trip - and nicer than everyone glued to their smart phones the whole time. I worry we are starting to forget how to talk to one another. 😁

[ADJB in reply to Quincie]

I agree. My day hadn't been going well up to that point - there had been delays and cancellations - so I had resigned myself to all the frustrations I expected this to bring. Once I got talking to the person next to me the whole journey took on a new perspective and I began to see the day as an adventure and to enjoy it. One aspect of this was that I had a good conversationalist next me and neither of us felt the urge to look at our phones. There might have been an age dimension to this - I'm 66 and I'd guess she was mid-fifties, so we were both adults long before the advent of smart phones.