Day 1 as a CHADD member

[JokerAce]

I am a 64 year old married man who has suspected something wrong with me my entire life. When I was a child, ADHD was not something the world knew about. there was no understanding, no diagnosis, no help, and certainly no treatment. I just thought I was dumber than the rest of the world. The trouble with that thought is that I knew I was smart enough to know I was dumb. does that make any sense? My inabilities were not in sync with my knowledge. I don't even know why I began to suspect that I might have ADHD but in my lifelong struggles with everyday life, I subconsciously wanted to have a better ability. I wanted to not forget the little details that caused tremendous havoc causing me to lose good jobs. Why did I snap and lose my temper over the most trivial of things? Why can I not sit still? Why does my head sound like a tornado all the time? Why can I look at a page of a book, see every single word written on the page and never absorb a single word of what is written? Why can I focus on certain things and have the entire surrounding world vanish?

When I was 5 or 6 years old, I was examined, studied, and treated for hearing loss. The funny thing is that I have never in my entire life failed a hearing test. My mom would sneak up behind me when I was playing and whisper in my ear. She would ask me if I wanted ice cream and I would not respond. She decided that I could not hear her. After many years of living inside my head, I have finally connected the dots. What was going on with me was that I was so hyper-focused on something that the outside world would totally be blacked out. I can do this at will in my adult years.

My mom had me repeat my second grade of school because I could not keep up with the rest of the class. In 8th grade, I was placed in a special experimental class that the other students called the dummy class. Our Math class placed us in the school lunchroom store selling candy and soda to the other students. We were taught every aspect of managing the store as a business. We went to the suppliers, purchased inventory, and learned how to mark the prices up to sell the candy for profit. we handled the cash sales, managed the books, and learned how to use banking for the money. we used our profits to fund numerous field trips around our State including a trip to the State Capitol to see firsthand how the government worked. we went to a Hydro-Electric dam to learn where electricity comes from, we went to the forest to learn how trees are turned into lumber. we went to an open pit mine to understand where metal and other products come from. there were many other trips that were designed to teach us about everyday life by first-hand observation.

But nothing taught me how to stay out of trouble. I had to learn that from the school of hard knocks. I learned to crave excitement. I did not realize that danger was the trigger that gave me a boost of adrenalin and dopamine making me feel normal for a short while. I joined the US Navy after getting fired from my Job at Pizza Hut. I quickly moved up the ranks to Assistant Manager because. I thrived in the fast paced environment but discovered that my hot temper was more than others could handle. No matter how hard I try, I am still unable to avoid the sudden bursts of anger. I have learned to keep it inside some of the time but I never know what will set me off.

I could easily go on and on with everything I have gone through because as I am writing this post, I am in a state of hyper-focus. I have learned many coping skills the deal with my weird brain knowing where it is most likely to misfire. I am successful in managing my symptoms now and then but I fall short too often for my own comfort.

Coming to the realization that ADHD is a thing and that explains absolutely everything about me was a slap to my face. It is the toughest thing I have ever learned about myself. I am sad, angry, and outraged that I could not have come to this realization when I was a young child. The worst part about how I feel is the fact that I cannot blame anyone. Everything about my life's struggles is a result of total ignorance. I could not have known what was wrong with me any better than anyone else. My mom tried to figure me out but I am convinced that she was also living with ADHD.

Is this real? That there is a name for what I have lived with all my life? That there is a treatment? That I have hope, to live my final years with a higher quality of life? That I am not alone in my struggles?

Where do I go next? I am on a new quest to find someone who will officially diagnose me and subscribe the medicine that has been researched for helping children. No one believes that a grown adult can have ADHD. Why not? the symptoms fit me like nothing has ever fit me before. I have never fit in anyone's box before. I fit this one absolutely perfectly.

I finally understand me. Now I have to convince the others and beg for help.

[STEM_Dad]

Welcome to the forum JokerAce !

Thanks for sharing your story. From what you've shared, it sounds like you've got both the Inattentive and Hyperactive-Impulsive traits, so the would be what's called the Combined presentation of ADHD.

Since ADHD is caused by a deficiency in dopamine and norepinephrine.

Noradrenaline is another name for norepinephrine. Noradrenaline is related to adrenaline. And all that time I'll bet you were self-accommodating by chasing adrenaline. It happens plenty of the time with ADHD.

(Not so much with me... adrenaline makes my head clear, my thoughts lightning fast, and my decision making capability actually easy for once...but the same sorts of things that can spike my adrenaline also trigger my anxiety, which causes me to freeze.)

[Quincie]

"Noone believes an adult can have ADHD"

Plenty of people get diagnosed late. If anyone says that to you, ask them if the kids diagnosed with it grow out of it or have it all their life. I am sorry you have struggled with it but it's important to forgive yourself - you did the best you could and so did your mom by the sounds of it. There's no point having self pity - though that's a natural reaction - a grief about what could've been different for you. But try not to stay in that self pity mode - you can still try meds & look forward to many years with a different brain & less struggle.

[Mamamichl]

my partner of 12 years insisted I get a full heating test. He thought my tinnitus was making me not hear him and losing hearing. Turns out, my range of hearing is double that of a normal 40 yo… no wonder everything distracts me, I sense it ALL. Same with other senses I believe.

My partner and I both have adhd and ptsd. He gets sudden bouts of anger. It helps him to have a post to beat with a stick, since he does medieval reenactment. Finding a socially acceptable way to get out steam really helps most of us with adhd.