ADD & ACOA Traits Re-visited

[ADD-Bear]

I am a 65 year old with Inattentive type ADD.I grew up in an alcoholic household, and I've had ADD my entire life. I have allowed them to rob me of much of my life .... relationships, school, and job performance. Like many others, I have always felt like an imposter, broken, a failure.

I worked on the co-addiction issues through ACOAand CODA programs and therapy. I've taken meds for depression, which gave helped. Yet, through it all, I still have felt less than.

I got a job a year ago that has been a nightmare. My supervisor has been caustic, blaming, accusatory, and relentlessly looking for mistakes. My ADD has been a major problem, exacerbated by my ACOA need for approval.

During this time, I realized that a lot of the abuse I received as a child had a lot to do with the alcoholic's intolerance with and shame about having a kid he considered a failure ... lazy, stupid, unmotivated, broken, etc.

This realization also put me in touch with how much I judged and disliked, and didn't love or accept myself.

It's been a lot to swallow and come to terms with. The question is how can I make peace with my past, learn to love and accept myself, learn toanage my ADD, and really live and find happiness with whatever time I have left.

For those of you with similar backgrounds, how have you dealt with these issues .... self-forgiveness, self-acceptance, self-love, and a determination to manage your ADD and be the best you can be?

ADD Bear

[Quincie]

So sorry to hear of your struggles. A few thoughts about your job: is your boss like this with others or just you? Could this be ageism? You may have a valid complaint for HR. Some ppl are irritated by perceived incompetence or slowness (This doesn't excuse or justify rudeness & bullying.) Do you give off that? Can you get objective feedback from another coworker or another supervisor? Do you need more training in a certain area? Can you get transferred? Can you leave & get another job? If any criticism is valid - is it something you can intentionally address & improve on?

These questions don't all have to be answered in a post - but they're for you to think about. Could the man's animosity towards you be partly a misperception based on the chronically negative view you have of yourself - after all you haven't been fired yet.

A few thoughts about you, the whole person: Now I am going to suggest something that's out of the box today but obvious a century ago. We are spiritual beings who try to do everything in our own strength & wonder why we fail as we are imperfect.

Actually having spiritual faith would be extremely helpful & healing for you. But I can't click my fingers & give you faith. I do suggest acting in a way as if you do have belief though. Think of it as role playing & an experiment. Hear me out & try not to instantly dismiss it - it's not as silly as it sounds.

You have gone through a lot of study /therapy on what happened in your past & understood intellectually these behaviors and it's impact on you. You have achieved a measure of healing via this. You can continue with therapy & there maybe more progress - but this is all doing it in your own strength & it has limitations because it the neglects the spiritual aspect of human nature.

Acting as if you believed in a power higher than you, that is the creator of everything and is the origin of everything good, including you, gives a way to accepting you are valued & greatly loved. Your existence is not a mistake & you relieve yourself of the burden of trying to lift yourself up in your own strength daily which is easy enough on a good day but so much harder on a bad day. Your value also isn't dependent on other ppl's opinion of you.

Acting as if you believe this means you acknowledge it & talk to it - as in asking for guidance & help. This is spiritual practice #1.

#2 is forgiveness of others and yourself. Forgiving others is how you release the grip of the past over your life. It doesn't condone or excuse what happened & you still set boundaries for any interactions with that person. It's a process - the memory resurfaces many times accompanied by the emotion & each time you forgive. Persevere & the emotion lessens & lessens to where you are free. I have applied this process personally to my traumas & I promise you it works. Forgiving yourself is often the hardest for ppl but it's just as necessary to do. Forgiveness is a gift of freedom to give yourself.

#3 is practicing gratitude. Some ppl list what they're grateful for first thing on waking or before going to sleep. Some write it down in a notebook. Try this - as it will be encouraging to look back over later. Link what you are grateful for to the higher power & talk to. The flip side to remembering to be grateful is to check negative thoughts about yourself & your life circumstances over which you have no control.

This is an exercise aimed at nourishing you spiritually & feeding your soul & requires nothing of you but openess & going along with it to see what changes. What you've been doing hasn't worked 100% despite your best efforts & you're 65 - what have you got to lose? The whole self improvement movement is very much focused on succeeding only via your own determination & focus. This is impossible as we are imperfect, limited humans. Having ADHD is an extra burden on our capacity to change ourselves by our own efforts - this is why I encourage thinking beyond yourself & thinking of connecting to something greater than you & why I am not saying "just meditate to check negative thoughts & destress" etc. Meditation still keeps you rooted to the notion that you can do it all by your own efforts.

If #1 is too much at first, then do #2  & keep an open mind to #1. #2 & #3 go much easier if you accept the concept of #1.

You may find this to be an interesting journey. Eg you may discover a desire to volunteer in the community that you didn't have before, or you may discover the desire to think more deeply about #1. As I believe #1, #2 & #3 & practice them daily I hope very much for you to have the same benefit/blessing. You posted looking for advice re your rude boss & instead I have tried to encourage you, the whole person - which is a lot more than a stranger's work problem - so thank you for reading this long post to the end.

[samami]

I am 60 and I was just diagnosed last year. My father barely spoke to me for years because he was so disappointed in me. I was very bright as a teenager and fell apart in college and didn't become the doctor he wished i'd be. It was tricky because I know he loved me - but was disgusted with me every time he saw me. Then, he was kind to me the last few years before he died, when he had dementia .

For me, I found a few people, some who were much older than me, who loved me for what I am from the day I met them. I guess they became substitute parents to me and loved me unconditionally for 30 years. They were my gift and my blessing and slowly taught me to love myself because they loved me.

I could never understand why I was so broken and so unable to accomplish things and I tried to figure it out in therapy for years but no one saw the ADHD.

I just want to say that you cannot blame yourself for your father's drinking in any way. He drank because of his own issues. I try to distance myself from my father's perception of me. I realize my father also had ADHD and that's why he was so incredibly moody and impatient. Maybe your father has ADHD too. Try to let go of him and his judgements. When my father died, it strangely made my life better. I am more at peace now.

These days, I try to find work that I can cope with on some level. I have an MFA but I am not great when I am under too much pressure. I focus on art and teaching and freelancing as a designer. Jobs where I don't have to go in everyday. Remote jobs are good - but I still have the challenge of trying to get things done. Now that I know I have ADHD, I think of looking for jobs that will work with my ADHD. I have been thinking of driving jobs and park ranger stuff that will keep me active - which really helps my ADHD. I am also really good with people. I enjoy teaching art to the elderly. Not sure where things will go from here. I try to be around people who like me. I am joyful and curious and accepting - and I think that is also my ADHD.

Hang in there. Don't be hard on yourself. Try to see the good in life. I am not at all religious. I find peace in nature and exercise and joy in being with people. i have dignity, integrity and courage and I break the mold as I am sure you do and I know that I am a breath of fresh air to a lot of people. i know that I can bring them joy. I am sure you do too. Ageism is a real thing, but maybe there are places you can work where it won't be a problem?

[Mamamichl in reply to samami]

I can feel your comment deeply. My parents are disappointed in me (my partner choice, my career choice, etc). I’m learning at 40 that the only one that I need to make proud of my decisions is myself. My partner is amazing to me and is patient with our kids. I wanted to be a teacher, and wasn’t going to be able to, but because we tried to help my dad, we became homeless this summer because of their toxicity. i ultimately had to disown them and not even let them have my address, blocked on phone and email, etc. we have learned to live by “friends are the family you choose” because people love you for who you are are the real family; not always the ones you share blood with.

[samami in reply to Mamamichl]

So sorry to hear about your father. How terrible for you and your family this summer. Sometimes we have to separate from them to take care of ourselves. It is really sad but it is better to be with those who love you. Sometimes it can take a while to figure out who they are! Good luck with everything. Thanks for your reply.

[Mamamichl in reply to samami]

It is in a way worse with my mother. After my dad kicked us out, my mother (divorced from dad) took us in but kicked us out after 17 days then sued us $1k for damages to her rv loveseat. It even went to court. We have gone no contact (blocking her number and email). They do t even have my address because my moms husband served my court papers through my 9yo then tried to call a safety check with the cops because she was “home alone” (with her 14yo brother 🤷‍♀️ ). My dad is worse in some ways but my mom was also the one who trafficked me as a teen, so I don’t want my kids around the manipulation. Definitely getting to know friends better, which my mom never understood.

Im just glad we are moving on though. I am in the best job (and best paying) of my life because I moved back home, where the locals socialize so similar. My partner is able to do some under the table work for our landlord and in a few years we will have enough savings to buy a house again (we hope).

[samami in reply to Mamamichl]

Your parents are about as toxic as possible. You do best to stay away from them to stay safe. So glad you have a great job now. The future looks so hopeful and bright. Hang in there and stay positive. My thoughts are with you. Stay safe and happy!

[Mamamichl in reply to samami]

To be honest reading books like “a child called ‘it’” really helped me process my traumas a bit. I’m wondering if there are any similar that are about sex trafficking. It may help me love how I can move on and do better for my kids.

[Mamamichl]

I love how you are able to process and explain your feelings so well! You definitely need to find other work. The stress alone could drive you into a free fall/spiraling.

[samami]

I agree. Find a new job. You don't want the stress of a toxic boss to damage you. Toxic bosses are toxic for their own reasons and you are not responsible for her behavior either!!

[GracePV]

I know for myself that I would not be able to flourish under the constant criticism of a toxic person. If it is possible for you to escape from them I suggest you do it.

When I had to be in the presence of a jerk who put me down, I would silently remind myself anything they say has no validity, because they could be talking to anyone. They just need a target to humiliate to boost their narcissistic ego.

[ADD-Bear]

Thank you all for your replies. My supervisor yelled at me publically several times. I spoke with the Director about it. She seemed understanding.

When my supervisor yelled at me again, I contacted HR. Within a week, I was called into a meeting with the Director, superviser and a coworker, where I was accused of being a problem. Old issues that I had addressed where thrown ate again. I was told I was being put on a Performance Improvement Plan (PIP) and would be fired 12/8 if my performance didn't meet their expectations.

For the next 90 days, I had to meet with the Director and HR. The Director kept hammering at me about BS. I finally told them about my ADD. I subsequentally hired an attorney who told me to request accomodations.

Apparently, the accommodations request stalled or stopped the PIP and my termination. Last week, the Director told me she resigned and would be leaving 3/31, and the supervisor has been pleasant and in occasion complimentary.

I know I have to leave this organization. I just don't know what type of work I can get and tolerate.

Adding to this is that I am getting the most money and benefits I've ever received. Because of my ADD and a spotty job history, my Social Security will not be enough to live on.

I don't mean to whine and be a victim. I'm just scared and confused.

Yes, I am trying to build a relationship with my Higher power and trust that HO will help me. I am also saying my gratitude daily. However, I am still feeling scared and overwhelmed.

Thanks for listening.

ADD Bear