I have been with my partner for 10 months & have silently struggled with him never listening and talking over me. We both recently know he has been suffering with ADHD since a young age.We both know very little and I'm struggling to continue with him, because without him listening to me, he has no understanding of my feelings.
We aren't sure if he should try medication or councilling as we are living in Cambodia where there is little awareness and relevant services, only tablets for sale.
I'm currently struggling with dealing with the recent death of my brother and because of my inner turmoil, I haven't got my usual patience or understanding to cope with his daily annoying habits.
Can anybody reach out to me .. I'd be so appreciative to feel I'm not alone (I have no family for support).
Any advice or suggestions will be a massive help for me.
I'm alone with my partner living in a foreign country, with nobody who listens to me.
I feel near to a melt down.
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Naomii1009
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have him read posts and responses from me to other people and he may start to understand this condition much better, as will you. You came to the right place.
Take heart, even without ready access to medication, there are a lot of things he can build into a daily regimen of behavioral and nutrition tools that will be the biggest benefit to him anyway. And you.
I commend you for reaching out like this on his and your behalf - most 'normies' leave us after becoming emotionally abusive for years, so you're heading off a chapter of codependency very proactively.
The two non-negotiables:
1. He needs to learn and practice self-compassion in all things, every day, continuously.
2. He needs to become and remain 100% fully responsible for his life.
I appreciate your response to Naomii1009 as I've struggled with my sister whom I'm certain has ADHD. I recently sent her videos on ADHD feel she might get it now, but it's been so difficult for me as I'm bailing her out of financial and other situations, she gets herself into. The issue is she is 78, I'm 75, and at this point, I don't know if she can be responsible for her life.
You sound like an awesome person, and I wish you the best.
I'm doing the best I can with what I have, and that starts and ends with me, full stop.
Everything else that comes out or manifests in concentric circles is merely an expression of the lessons I've learned along this journey and how they've taught me to guard my serenity.
I will be praying for yours and your sister's as well.
Thank you everybody for every bit of kind and thoughtful advice. I've felt completely alone even though living with somebody almost 24/7.
I have advised my partner to watch some useful videos and to join this group so that he can also reach out to others in the same boat.
He has taken the first imperative step.. to admit that the habits he has is causing others as well as himself..pain, suffering and frustration. So.. I felt a huge weight off my shoulders just for this fact.
He has read your response and says he is going to be mindful of his busy mind (what I consider as the ego chatting nonsense).
So this is a great start.
It's early days for him only just realising but he's only 36 so he has his whole life ahead of him, to make a difference to his life as well as others.
I will keep reading posts on this topic, as I'm new to this area of knowledge.
I thank you once again for reaching out to me, it means so much to know someone across the other side of the world cares .
Just a tip: Don't call it 'ego chatting nonsense', or similar things, as he is likely to feel put down. That said, you should not pad the room nor wrap him in bubble wrap and walk on eggshells around him. All I will say is that there are ways to communicate things that would be more constructive.
I can guarantee you that the 'ego chatting nonsense' comes down to emotional dysregulation and it manifests as lack of impulse control, especially when talking and/or explaining himself. Calling it a name like this will likely result in a bit of Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD), which can last a few hours, days, weeks, or simply get added to the perpetual balance on that account, per se. This is also a very common symptom of adult adhd and he could get quite upset. Now he's upset, cannot control it, and is trying desperately to explain it away to try to make things better for you, as he's working on himself, and it comes out in a way that is not appreciated and often makes things worse.
It's not his fault. It is, however, his responsibility to address. Very different language indeed.
I'm not telling you he's right and you're wrong; far from it. I deal with this every day and I have to basically reject reality to accept what my wife and daughters tell me because evidently I get so bad that I don't say what I'm thinking and I hear nothing but anger and accusations coming back my way, although all three of them SWEAR that their version is the truth and mine isn't. Not only that, but my heart is basically broken all the time because 'they hate me', etc. and when we get into it and flesh it out, they accuse me of being mean, laying guiltrips, etc. and they swear that they are as delicate and nice and innocent and loving and understanding as they can be. I can tell you, I do not believe it, but I have come to a place where I'm recalibrating my reality to attune it to theirs. If I'm not going to believe my wife and daughters, who am I going to believe?
So, what I AM telling you is this: Adult ADHD is basically a daisy chain of anxiety, depression, RSD, typically comingled with comorbidities like OCD, PTSD, etc, and they all LOVE to feed of each other. The ADHD mind must find ways to stop these cycles in their tracks, wherever they are in the cycle, reframe, calm down and learn to move forward in an objective, edifying manner without going off the rails again and again and again, ad nauseum, ad infinitum. It is a 24/7/365 job that never ends and sometimes the cycles come every minute or less. (a sign that you're not doing so well...) The better you both learn to fend off its attacks at any point of entry and disarm them before they blow up, the less likely the other symptoms in the cycle will manifest and the more resilient you will both become, not just him. Key point here.
Give him an attaboy when he does something well. It will change his whole demeanor and make him work so much harder at bettering himself. I have been specifically told I will not be 'babied', and this time with malice, that 'I will never be given any words of encouragement because I don't deserve them'. This would be a very clear example of something that is in fact not edifying.
My two cents. No name-calling, please. That sets everything back, even if there is no malice involved, which I'm sure is the case here.
Thank you so much for your valuable insightful words. I am cringing about my terrible insensitive use of words " ego nonsense '. Obviously a year ago, I never dreamt of using such a term, but after a year of trying to help him recognise anything, I just became extremely frustrated.He has since admitted that he's been lying to me occasionally, he holds resentment and that he's a skillful liar and he still struggles to see why he should try to change, even after 2 failed marriages. I've given him plenty of reading material, but he just doesn't want to put any effort in. He only puts any kind of effort in just before bed time.
I'm still trying to ascertain whether it's a form of ADHD, stubbornness or PTSD from previous marriages.
In Cambodia, ADHD is not a priority so I'm alone in attempting to diagnose his issues.
Also, I haven't told him about the chattering ego nonsense because he doesn't know what the term ego means yet.
I'm going to look into RSD though, as it definitely sounds as if it could be a factor amongst many.
I'm losing days of work from my constant research, I've got 3 ugly coldsores and lost a lot of weight, I'm utterly exhausted.
I am close to a meltdown having nobody around me for any support, so I thank everyone from my heart, for your kind words.
Unrelated, but maybe not so much... I just put up a post on Stoic Philosophy and taking Cold Plunges - You may want to check it out. Once you read through it, you'll understand what I mean. I'm changing myself (rather successfully, I might add), and the more I do that, the less I have to change others or get them to see things from my perspective. There's just no need anymore. I'm peeling away from others in the healthiest way possible (behavioral tools), and letting them come to me.
Isn't that how it should be, in the end?
I hope your cold sores to away, you find a job very quickly, and that the aforementioned post at least gives you a different perspective, or a different set of tools to win this cognitive battle we're knee-deep in, every day.
You've been together 10 months, this time for your relationship is one of the best it should be - a safe and supportive place to be whilst you grieve for your dear brother. It's unfortunate that there's little help for him in the country in which you both live but, as you've been together for such a short period of time I would suggest you do some gentle research into his background. ADHD aside (I know that's a big ask) how is he with other people, is he kind to other people, especially those members of his family, friends or people he meets that might be in a difficult situation? Having ADHD doesn't strip us of empathy although we might sometimes be focussed on our latest interest or project. Does he want to be able to manage his condition better? If so what practical steps is he taking, is he researching how to manage ADHD or is he just talking about it and letting you do all the research? If you come up with some ideas is he listening and trying them? In short, is ADHD really the only or the major issue here? It may well be but both people with selfish, controlling traits and caring, loving traits may have ADHD, where is he on that spectrum? If he's a kind, caring, empathetic person struggling with a condition for which he has no help then are you able to talk to someone professional about your bereavement? That's not to say you can't talk to your partner too but it's a recognition that you may need the support you need and he may not have the capacity fulfil those needs while he works on developing his own strategy to cope with his condition. This is a heart breaking time for you, you may not be able to provide him with the level of support during this time that you would normally give, would he be accepting of that? I agree whole heartedly with FocusAndFlow, particularly the non-negotiables. Don't forget to look after yourself in this too.
Your response resonates with me, a great response. It makes me sad because for me it is a heart-breaking time as I deal with my 78 year old sister whom I believe has ADHD depending on me to bail her out of financial and other situations. I feel very alone dealing with this because her only son seems to have his head buried in the sand and I'm burnt out. I just completed 4 years of caring for my mother who recently passed away. I have to take care of myself too like you said.
I used to talk over my partner all the time and really didn’t notice it - until he pointed it out. He said (gently) that it’s something I always did but sometimes it really bothered him. I was suprised and worried because we’ve been together for years and have a great relationship, and I had no idea. I then made an active effort not to interrupt anymore. I started to notice the moments when he was speaking and I wanted to intervene, and stopped myself. I also asked him to let me know if I did it. It wasn’t during discussions, just regular conversation really. And I asked him from time to time if I was still doing the thing.
I was actually grateful he pointed it out because I noticed I also tended to interrupt other people.
I think the point is that it takes real effort and empathy to stop doing the things that bothers others and are not something immediately relevant or noticeable to us. Later, I started medication and helped me with some other things (though it was hard to adjust), but interruption was a matter of awareness.
I’m really sorry you’re going through all this… it sounds really hard and you’d expect support from your partner. My only advice would be to talk to him seriously on the matter. But I suppose you already have and he is not changing. Maybe give it another try and if he’s willing to change, you could come up with an agreement of him making an effort to become more aware and you letting him know immediately when he does that.
Also, it sounds silly but writing him a letter on how you feel about this could be very liberating. There’s no interruption in letters.
And as others said, you haven’t been together for long. It would be useful to note how his family is and how he acts among family and friends to decide if you want to move forward.
I wish you the very best. Please write on this form whenever you need. You’re not alone!
I agree. Definitely openly communicate that he is interrupting kindly. Something that my ex and I did was to do our arguments via text messaging. It kept us from interrupting each other and allowed us to feel heard without having to raise our voices. I still interrupt when anxious but being aware helps me to make an effort.
You are definitely not alone, but I can understand how it must impact living somewhere unfamiliar.
I'm in a similar situation in that I was recently diagnosed with ADHD and I've yet to start any sort of treatment. My partner of 7 years just announced the other day that she can no longer cope with me and I need to move out. I'm pretty devastated, but I also have OCD and possibly Autism and it's my hoarding that's caused her the biggest issues, where she feels the house is no longer hers.
I'm very empathetic, and a good listener, but my partner doesn't voice her concerns or feelings. It takes her to the point of kicking me out for her to even mention it. She technically dumped me by text message from her work. She definitely has some psychiatric issues herself and I think her family might have emotional autism, as there's a disconnectedness to things going on around them. She feels I'm overly sensitive to things like noise, whereas I feel she's like a zombie.
Anyway, that's my situation, so I can definitely relate, as I feel like I'm in relationship limbo.
It’s sad when partners don’t communicate all of this pent up resentment until it’s too late. We can’t solve our problems unless we know there is a problem. My ex and I would communicate this, but my current partner and I feel safe enough to tell each other anything.
I’m so sorry for the pain you are going through. You are not alone! I’m the ADHD spouse. I’ve been married for 26 years but only on meds for the past year and they have made a huge difference.
I know you said therapy is not available. One thing my therapist and our marriage counselor have both said is for us to be curious. Ask WHY I do or say X . This has helped. My wife and I both are connecting events in our past to how we act today. For me it’s often the shame from a lifetime of being “weird” and losing jobs etc and when she pushes on a old wound I react strongly, then she reacts, then I get defensive, “sigh”.
On our better days we are learning to take a step back; acknowledge the strong reaction; and then ask why I or she reacted that strongly. Honestly she is better at this. I’m still learning how to control my emotions and my RSD. It takes time and effort but it can be done! Without meds it would take much more effort but it’s possible.
So I wonder if your partner would be open to brief conversations about their past. Just yesterday my wife and I were in the car alone and she said “ Why don’t you like to be touched by other men?” I’d never thought of it but it’s true. I don’t like hugs, shoulder squeezes, etc. So we talked and I said it’s because I see other men as a threat and if they are not touching me they can’t hurt me. I’ve never suffered any physical abuse so no idea why I feel this way and talked for good while about it. Came to the conclusion that I need to explore this further.
It sounds weird but I used lists of road trip questions to start that conversation. Because of my ADHD I can get kinda stuck in a conversation rut and I have trouble expressing myself so I googled “road trip questions” and we took turns answering. It helped us listen to each other and I told her stuff I’ve never told anyone. Maybe just ask one or two to start?
One thing we’ve done is set boundaries. At our worst time before conversations we’d both set clear boundaries about time of conversation; tone/volume; language; and topic. This was very hard for us both. But having boundaries and sticking to them helped us. We struggle in different areas - my ADHD would drag conversations on and on; she would get loud and use strong language to be heard; etc. Is your partner a reader? Boundaries by Henry Cloud is great. You might also enjoy it. It’s available electronically.
Be open and transparent with your partner about how you feel. I’m not gonna lie without them making a real effort to change and recognizing a need to change it only gets worse. That’s my story and it nearly ended my marriage. I got worse and worse. It can also be WAY better! But it takes time and a ton of work and self awareness from your ADHD’er. I’ve had to own my shit, apologize, and work to improve on it., I still have days where I make my wife wish I was NT but I’m getting better and she is getting better at speaking up in a constructive way.
You are not alone in this struggle! This a good place to be transparent and to be heard.
That’s an awesome story! I’m glad you guys set boundaries. They really help us as well. When I need to vent about work, I have a 5 minute timer set. I also make it a point to inquire about his interests.
Thanks! I wasn’t sure about boundaries but it’s really helped. I’m more self aware now and I actually like them. I feel like I have control over my ADHD and I’m not at my brain’s mercy.
The best way I have come up with in my relationship is to say I have a concern that ____ and I want to find a solution with you. Then find the right boundary or language that works for the both of you. If your partner is compassionate and truly cares about the relationship, they will work it out with you.
That's a great reply. I can relate to the whole dislike of being touched by other men thing. Like yourself, I wasn't abused as a child, but I've always had an issue with it, especially being touched on the shoulder. It's like a feeling of vulnerability I don't like. It didn't help that about 12 years ago a guy in work groped me a couple of times. I wish now I'd reported it, but even still folk find it funny when I tell them - and I can tell you it was anything but funny. I eventually had to tell him under no uncertain terms that if he did that again, I'd break his arm.
My therapist has advised me that my dislike at being touched is autism, but that's just her opinion, as she kept signposting autistic quirks when I was talking about my ADHD.
Thanks! Yep, I might be on the spectrum as well but my therapist is on the fence about me needing a diagnosis now. He’s more along the lines of helping me understand my motives and my brain. My wife is working to understand me and also clearly communicate what she needs from me in healthy ways. It’s hard as hell for both us! Our counselor says we need to learn how to talk to each other. On our good days we realize we want/say the same thing. I don’t know how “normal” relationships work but our marriage is really hard work.
I have been watching you tube videos from “adhd_love”, “how to ADHD” and “the holderness family”. That helps me get ideas of coping strategies and notice ADHD behaviors as well. All 3 of these also have books. My partner and I both have ADHD and we listen to these audiobooks together before bed or during morning coffee. It opens communication about trips and brainstorm coping strategies that may help.
Keep in mind, you need to feel validated and able to focus on your needs as well. If he doesn’t do that with you, then you will carry resentment and that’s not good for either of you.
There is a book “Is it you, me, or ADD?” by Gina Pera that is remarkably on point when it comes to adult ADHD and relationships. I have ADHD and sometimes it is a hard “listen” (I listen to the audiobook) bc it describes the annoying things I have been doing, unknowingly, for years. I’m newly diagnosed at 56 and the thing is my family all has definite symptoms of ADHD so I literally thought that I was the normal one and my hubby was “slow” or kinda dumb even. I got so tired of waiting for him to finish a sentence, god forbid a story, that I would jump in to “help him out”. I was impatient, for sure, but also trying to help. I assumed everyone in the room was also getting inpatient with his inability to tell an efficient story. I’m learning. The book above is helping. All the best to you and I truly wish he will see what you see in time. It will be very painful for him at first. Xoxo
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ADHD and marriage
I need help. Life falling apart.
