I need support & advice.. please 🙏

[Naomii1009]

I have been with my partner for 10 months & have silently struggled with him never listening and talking over me. We both recently know he has been suffering with ADHD since a young age.We both know very little and I'm struggling to continue with him, because without him listening to me, he has no understanding of my feelings.

We aren't sure if he should try medication or councilling as we are living in Cambodia where there is little awareness and relevant services, only tablets for sale.

I'm currently struggling with dealing with the recent death of my brother and because of my inner turmoil, I haven't got my usual patience or understanding to cope with his daily annoying habits.

Can anybody reach out to me .. I'd be so appreciative to feel I'm not alone (I have no family for support).

Any advice or suggestions will be a massive help for me.

I'm alone with my partner living in a foreign country, with nobody who listens to me.

I feel near to a melt down.

[FocusAndFlow]

have him read posts and responses from me to other people and he may start to understand this condition much better, as will you. You came to the right place.

Take heart, even without ready access to medication, there are a lot of things he can build into a daily regimen of behavioral and nutrition tools that will be the biggest benefit to him anyway. And you.

I commend you for reaching out like this on his and your behalf - most 'normies' leave us after becoming emotionally abusive for years, so you're heading off a chapter of codependency very proactively.

The two non-negotiables:

1. He needs to learn and practice self-compassion in all things, every day, continuously.

2. He needs to become and remain 100% fully responsible for his life.

You would do well to do this yourself.

Be well. Godspeed.

[Steph_CND]

Please join the support group for ADHD partners on Reddit. You will feel less alone.

[Rustreloaded]

You've been together 10 months, this time for your relationship is one of the best it should be - a safe and supportive place to be whilst you grieve for your dear brother. It's unfortunate that there's little help for him in the country in which you both live but, as you've been together for such a short period of time I would suggest you do some gentle research into his background. ADHD aside (I know that's a big ask) how is he with other people, is he kind to other people, especially those members of his family, friends or people he meets that might be in a difficult situation? Having ADHD doesn't strip us of empathy although we might sometimes be focussed on our latest interest or project. Does he want to be able to manage his condition better? If so what practical steps is he taking, is he researching how to manage ADHD or is he just talking about it and letting you do all the research? If you come up with some ideas is he listening and trying them? In short, is ADHD really the only or the major issue here? It may well be but both people with selfish, controlling traits and caring, loving traits may have ADHD, where is he on that spectrum? If he's a kind, caring, empathetic person struggling with a condition for which he has no help then are you able to talk to someone professional about your bereavement? That's not to say you can't talk to your partner too but it's a recognition that you may need the support you need and he may not have the capacity fulfil those needs while he works on developing his own strategy to cope with his condition. This is a heart breaking time for you, you may not be able to provide him with the level of support during this time that you would normally give, would he be accepting of that? I agree whole heartedly with FocusAndFlow, particularly the non-negotiables. Don't forget to look after yourself in this too.

[arepa]

I used to talk over my partner all the time and really didn’t notice it - until he pointed it out. He said (gently) that it’s something I always did but sometimes it really bothered him. I was suprised and worried because we’ve been together for years and have a great relationship, and I had no idea. I then made an active effort not to interrupt anymore. I started to notice the moments when he was speaking and I wanted to intervene, and stopped myself. I also asked him to let me know if I did it. It wasn’t during discussions, just regular conversation really. And I asked him from time to time if I was still doing the thing.

I was actually grateful he pointed it out because I noticed I also tended to interrupt other people.

I think the point is that it takes real effort and empathy to stop doing the things that bothers others and are not something immediately relevant or noticeable to us. Later, I started medication and helped me with some other things (though it was hard to adjust), but interruption was a matter of awareness.

I’m really sorry you’re going through all this… it sounds really hard and you’d expect support from your partner. My only advice would be to talk to him seriously on the matter. But I suppose you already have and he is not changing. Maybe give it another try and if he’s willing to change, you could come up with an agreement of him making an effort to become more aware and you letting him know immediately when he does that.

Also, it sounds silly but writing him a letter on how you feel about this could be very liberating. There’s no interruption in letters.

And as others said, you haven’t been together for long. It would be useful to note how his family is and how he acts among family and friends to decide if you want to move forward.

I wish you the very best. Please write on this form whenever you need. You’re not alone!

[Spud-u-Like1982]

You are definitely not alone, but I can understand how it must impact living somewhere unfamiliar.

I'm in a similar situation in that I was recently diagnosed with ADHD and I've yet to start any sort of treatment. My partner of 7 years just announced the other day that she can no longer cope with me and I need to move out. I'm pretty devastated, but I also have OCD and possibly Autism and it's my hoarding that's caused her the biggest issues, where she feels the house is no longer hers.

I'm very empathetic, and a good listener, but my partner doesn't voice her concerns or feelings. It takes her to the point of kicking me out for her to even mention it. She technically dumped me by text message from her work. She definitely has some psychiatric issues herself and I think her family might have emotional autism, as there's a disconnectedness to things going on around them. She feels I'm overly sensitive to things like noise, whereas I feel she's like a zombie.

Anyway, that's my situation, so I can definitely relate, as I feel like I'm in relationship limbo.

[Prussic]

I’m so sorry for the pain you are going through. You are not alone! I’m the ADHD spouse. I’ve been married for 26 years but only on meds for the past year and they have made a huge difference.

I know you said therapy is not available. One thing my therapist and our marriage counselor have both said is for us to be curious. Ask WHY I do or say X . This has helped. My wife and I both are connecting events in our past to how we act today. For me it’s often the shame from a lifetime of being “weird” and losing jobs etc and when she pushes on a old wound I react strongly, then she reacts, then I get defensive, “sigh”.

On our better days we are learning to take a step back; acknowledge the strong reaction; and then ask why I or she reacted that strongly. Honestly she is better at this. I’m still learning how to control my emotions and my RSD. It takes time and effort but it can be done! Without meds it would take much more effort but it’s possible.

So I wonder if your partner would be open to brief conversations about their past. Just yesterday my wife and I were in the car alone and she said “ Why don’t you like to be touched by other men?” I’d never thought of it but it’s true. I don’t like hugs, shoulder squeezes, etc. So we talked and I said it’s because I see other men as a threat and if they are not touching me they can’t hurt me. I’ve never suffered any physical abuse so no idea why I feel this way and talked for good while about it. Came to the conclusion that I need to explore this further.

It sounds weird but I used lists of road trip questions to start that conversation. Because of my ADHD I can get kinda stuck in a conversation rut and I have trouble expressing myself so I googled “road trip questions” and we took turns answering. It helped us listen to each other and I told her stuff I’ve never told anyone. Maybe just ask one or two to start?

One thing we’ve done is set boundaries. At our worst time before conversations we’d both set clear boundaries about time of conversation; tone/volume; language; and topic. This was very hard for us both. But having boundaries and sticking to them helped us. We struggle in different areas - my ADHD would drag conversations on and on; she would get loud and use strong language to be heard; etc. Is your partner a reader? Boundaries by Henry Cloud is great. You might also enjoy it. It’s available electronically.

Be open and transparent with your partner about how you feel. I’m not gonna lie without them making a real effort to change and recognizing a need to change it only gets worse. That’s my story and it nearly ended my marriage. I got worse and worse. It can also be WAY better! But it takes time and a ton of work and self awareness from your ADHD’er. I’ve had to own my shit, apologize, and work to improve on it., I still have days where I make my wife wish I was NT but I’m getting better and she is getting better at speaking up in a constructive way.

You are not alone in this struggle! This a good place to be transparent and to be heard.