Does anyone feel that no matter how welcoming you are to a new person, there is always a disconnect that they don't seem to have with others. Example:
Today some new people came to work, one I met first, and was genuinely interested in talking to him, explaining what ever he asked, I was making jokes to, we had things in common and everything, all good. Then the other new guy came, (they don't know each other) and they started talking too, after a while I noticed that they where connecting way better with each other than with me.
Maybe it's in my head, although my intuition is hardly wrong.
There have been few instances where I was able to be more comfortable with new people but then again I could always feel this, disconnect.
Does anyone feel the same?
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Stavros_
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Story of my life! I even get jealous and take it personal. I'm 32 fucking years old!
I think that when we like someone, we give all our attention to them and then we wonder why we don't get it back. I can't give you advice or an answer because I'm literally on the same boat. But I can tell you that we need to talk to our therapist and try to figure out what the hell is going on. Autism is such an apparent condition and it's known to affect social interactions negatively. But ADHD also has its own set of problems. I feel like there are times when people talk to me and I don't get the whole picture which really messes up our connection.
omg i love your transparency and that you openly admit that u get jealous n take it personal. 😂😂😂. that put a smile on my face bc what u said is so real, lol.
i dont struggle with this particular issue so im not going to weigh, but your post was honest n raw!
But i think is justified, to get jealous cause what did i do wrong, i wasn't pushy or overwhelming or anything. I whish i was more delulu and excused it as, people are intimidated by my attractivness or something. It's very annoying though once you notice a pattern to it.
Hey Stavros_! Preach brother. I’ve got the same issue. I don’t have many friends and it’s hard to meet new people. I live out in the country in the mountains so people aren’t really an issue. I’m comfortable with my animals and garden.
My NT wife and daughter . . . well they need people. So we go to town, go to church, have people over etc and it’s kinda hell for me. I’m a Christian and I don’t enjoy “church” but I do like learning about my faith every week and there are 2 or 3 guys I enjoy seeing who have helped me.
So a few things my wife and I talked about to help me with the whole social cue thing :
-practice self awareness. Talk with someone you trust about how actions make others feel. It will surprise you. Did me.
-question your first response. Now this might be different for you. I’m also bi-polar so my first response could be extreme depending on mania/depression. But my first response is often “off”. So I’m learning to apply brakes on my brain and my mouth. It is very very very hard. But worth it.
-find a “is this ______” person. I have two folks I can call or text and ask if an action is appropriate. My wife and a church elder. If I’m questioning an action or conversation and I have time I can call and text them and ask. It’s very helpful. I can get so focused on what I think I SHOULD say that I do t think about the repercussions of the conversation. If I call my wife and she has time to talk I ask her and she can give me a go/no go. It takes less than 5 minutes.
I hear you in how hard and frustrating that struggle is. My therapist helps me tremendously. Keep pressing forward!
I recently started DBT, and they allow themselves for those quick calls or texts to be able to bounce ideas from. They gave me more strategies and I will be practicing them in group in a couple weeks.
Thank you for replying, although i can't say i relate to your situation specificaly, i definately want to be around people, even when i imagine a peacefull senario, i still like to have a good company, whether that is one person or more. Practice self awareness, if im not wrong it seems like you suggest to find people who, you can share the same interpretation of the world.... like you see the world with the same eyes. That is very rare, i have found a person like that and he is th only one i can talk to that silences all the sounds in my heade.
Hello Stavros,This sounds like a lot of people especially those who are aware that connection can be a challenge.
If you saw your conversation with the new person - from the outside - and compared that to the two new people talking there likely isn't much difference.
When you watch the two interacting you are making tons of assumptions (usually not real or true) and you are giving meaning to each person's actions.
For instance you see the two people laughing and assume that connection is better than the connection you made, when you and the new person were laughing.
It's a skewed filter that is hugely common with ADHD because of all the times you were told you don't fit in, you're not doing it right, etc.
So the guy you connected with then meets another person and connects with them, maybe more deeply maybe not, but you have no way of knowing that.
The guy could have thoroughly enjoyed your company - I'm guessing he did - and then met the other new person and they connected over both being new. He could have been a bit intimidated by you because you already know the ropes.
Keep in mind you have NO idea what others are thinking.
All you can do is put yourself out there and enjoy the interactions, stay curious as to what others can teach you, and know you are worthy of kindness and friendship.
What others do or think doesn't have much to do with you and you don't have any control over it regardless.
Be proud of the positive interactions, like the one you described, and allow others time to get to know you. The new guy could have been in "connect with a many people as possible" mode, in an effort to learn as much as possible about the new situation. Everyone has a different way of handling new situations.
You did great, you put yourself out there, and made someone laugh (a sign of a true connection) and you enjoyed the conversation. I'd say that is a huge win, especially if connection is a challenge - that makes it like a double huge win Nicely done!
True, just true to all of that. I used to feel pressured to make others happy, like how you feel anxious when you perform in front of an audience, but instead these where my friends, still are. I am mostly over it now. Thank you for the response, it was helpful
This is a work colleague. You don't have to get super close to this person - he is a random person pushed into your space & you are forced to interact with him for work reasons. It sounds like you did just fine - you were personable & helpful. There is nothing more needed from you in this situation. Comparing yourself to others is pointless & toxic. It's also extremely self centered - is not your coworker allowed to be friendly with other coworkers? Of course he is. If you stop assuming ill intentions from others & comparing yourself to others - you will have a lot more peace.
Well, this was an example, this happens with other interactions. And yeah it is a toxic trait, I'm not as bothered by it as I was some years ago, but still it's something that I notice.
I know exactly what you are talking about. I feel like I am just not being recieved like I see others are. I talked to my partner and some close friends about this actually, and they described me as too eager and in your face for some people. It’s part of my anxiety and RSD I believe. I have been working on doing more DBT strategies, like TIPP and STOP. It seems to help some. rigorous exercises also helps (part of the tipp strategy). We also are our biggest critic. We see little things and brood on them and people have already moved on past it. Another thing that helps is to keep yourself in the moment, and either chew gum or drink cold drinks to keep you in the here and now. It also allows time for people to talk as well, since interrupting is a big symptom for some of us.
Yes, same here. Thank you for sharing your story, it made me feel less lonely. I've struggled with friendship since I moved to the US 10 years ago (I'm from Brazil). I thought it was a cultural barrier and maybe within time things would get better, but it just got worse. I know I am introverted and have more difficulty taking the first step, but I've been trying really hard to get out of my comfort zone and put myself out there. I can have a good conversation with a new/unfamiliar person, it feels like we connect, I say I'd love to hang out again, but nothing happens. People say that I am nice, but they ghost me after the first interaction (which makes me feel shitty). My therapist and older folks told me it would be easier with a kid. So far, this has not been the case. I've joined mom groups and interacted with other moms at the park, but not much happens after the first interaction.
I've noticed that i connect much faster and easier with people who seem to have adhd. The other question would be, did you experienced the same problem in Brazil? Maybe if you joined a adhd club, it would be a good oportunity? i dont know... Im glad that this post made you feel less lonely tho.
I think this is true for me as well. I've been diagnosed very recently, so I'm starting to connect the dots now. I don't remember experiencing this in Brazil, but I always had a few good friends, and the ones I'm closer to might be neurodivergent too. Thanks for your reply; it feels good to be part of this group.
It's been a month since i started posting here and i am suprised, i didnt expect to have any replies but people come here and talk about their opinions and experiences. I dont know how to find others posts though.
Yeah! This a great community. To find other posts, go to the top of the page. You will find a menu that says Home - Posts - Member - About right under the CHADD logo. Once you click on Posts, you will be able to see the most recent ones. If you wanna search for older, you can use the search bar on the top right.
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