Different Treatment

[Codebox42]

Since I haven't posted in a long while I figure I would return with a topic that's been on my mind for a while now. As an ADHD guy one of the most frequent and frustrating things that's happened throughout most of my adult life (even though I'm 25) is I'm treated so differently than everybody else. I hear this is a problem with many ADHD clients such as myself, but I do want to know if anyone else has gone through this.

Almost everyday I'm consistently treated like I'm half my age or people act as if I'm not as capable and I don't understand why. It has nothing to do with people thinking less it's just the fact I'm restrictive from doing anything to the point where it feels like I've become my disability somethings and it really takes its toll on my patience. It also doesn't help that you don't exactly have the social skill to keep up with your friends as if feels like you're always the one playing catch up to them, which is how I feel around friends online. Perhaps its just me who feels this way on my side?

I just can't articulate why I'm treated so differently from other people like I can't do anything. It feels very embarrassing at times and even when socially trying to interact with people. It often times makes me feel alone and like I might not be able to do anything. Sure there are things I'm not able to do as much particularly when it comes to motor skills, but it's not limited to just that and I don't know why when you have ADHD you feel treated differently than other people.

[QuirkyCookie]

Hello. I just joined and yours is the first post I've read. I was very recently diagnosed with ADHD (inattentive type), so I have a lot to learn. BUT I have known from an early age that something about me was different. It felt like there was a social code that I wasn't let in on for the first half of my life. It's still a little bit that way, but I'm 46 now, and I've learned how to manage some things along the way. What has helped me the most is accepting and LIKING who I am. Yes, I am flakey, unpredictable, sometimes unreliable, etc. but I'm creative and fun and generous and smart too! If someone doesn't understand me or treats me differently, I've learned to be comfortable with who I am and believe it truly doesn't matter what they think. My older sister treats me like a child. She acts like every decision I make is wrong and everything I do is weird. She questions everything I do and the rest of the family follows her lead. But I really don't care anymore because I genuinely like who I am. Embrace the interesting parts of yourself that are there because of ADHD. If no one else sees them, it's ok. Move on--not in an angry way--just let it roll. You'll continue to have people treat you differently throughout your life. They can't control how you react. You're in charge. We're not made from cookie cutters. We're unique. Go rock it.

[Codebox42 in reply to QuirkyCookie]

I'm the same way honestly. I'm not the smartest person though (that comes with the fact I lack experience with certain things than stupidity, that and impulse) and I can't feel the same way. I just can't help but feel inferior and annoyed the fact that I'm treated so much differently than other people, especially when even younger siblings are treated more adult like than myself. I'm treated like I can't ever grasp or do anything, despite the fact they never let me have the time to learn or experience it and they act like every decision I make is wrong and I can't help but get defensive or annoyed, especially when its even over simple stuff. I'm more creative side though, I guess being creative comes with ADHD?

Idk something just bothers me with the fact that I'm treated so much differently than others because I have ADHD and wasn't raised with as much experience as I would've liked.

[Lovinit in reply to Codebox42]

I relate yours and quirky cookies story’s. I’m 38 now and what helped me and it took a lot of time and work but I had to learn to accept myself for who I am learn to love myself and finding people who liked me for who I was.

[QuirkyCookie in reply to Codebox42]

Codebox42:

Yes, you're probably creative. You sound introspective and perceptive to me. You might be more in touch with yourself and your surroundings than most people your age. Unfortunately this may only exacerbate your feelings about how everyone treats you.

Creativity doesn't have to mean being artsy. Maybe you already know this. It can mean that you think creatively, solve problems creatively, etc. Try taking mental notes about how you approach everything you do and question it. You're likely to realize that you're a unique individual (in a good way) that no one appreciates right now.

PS I think I understand what you said about not being "raised with experience." Growing up, it felt that since no one trusted me or thought I was capable, I often wasn't given opportunities...not even small ones like paying a cashier. I felt robbed of being given opportunities to grow up and build confidence. Kind of pushed off to the side. Does that make sense? Maybe that's not what you meant, but it reminded me of how I used to feel.

I wish you the best!

[Codebox42 in reply to QuirkyCookie]

I don't really know any talents that I do have. I guess I would say I'm creative though. And yeah being creative can mean different things, though I would say I'm more on the artsy side of creative (Drawing, Gaming, Writing, Modeling etc).

It's kinda like that. But I was literally taught no experience with anything, even now as I'm 25 I'm still considered a child to people or I'm treated too much like a child that I don't ever get a chance to experience anything other than being told to stay back because I don't understand. Even though people always complain about me not doing anything. And yeah I feel not only robbed, but I feel everyday of my life is just going by with me doing nothing and feeling like nothing. I just mainly get shut down whenever I attempt to do stuff, and the stuff I actually can do I had to learn on my own, which is still hard to do.

I even have little social interaction because my ADHD makes it hard for me to communicate with people and the people I do know either have their own lives or haven't spoken to in quite sometime.

Thank you for sharing your experience and your support.

[Nick1913 in reply to Codebox42]

Hi codebox42,

I have inattentive ADHD .... not hyperactive.

My circle of friends is very small I regret I don’t remember where I got the idea but I will share it.... friendships are like a target 🎯 each ring is a different level. Each level has a different set of feelings (for me). Trust and effort, yeah effort and maintenance is where I usually “drop the ball” but I became aware of it. So I schedule phone calls and get together with the inner circle (bullseye friends). Everyone started on the outside ring.... I made a list of things for each ring so I knew where to put people..... the people who hurt me, made me feel bad were not on my friendship list.... the more time I spent with them , the more I felt I could trust them, the higher they could be... the closer they became and though there are a very few inner most friends I can share almost everything with, there are some 😁. (The process took years for me).

I slowly started to spend less time with people who made me feel negativity, I started to feel positive and that is a good process....

Good Luck

[Lovinit]

Glad you posted! It’s good to hear from you! The advice my brother gave me was he said it seems like you worry a lot about what other people think about you, yes, I replied. He said who cares what they think you should only care about what you think. He’s right and what I thought about myself as much as I didn’t want to were negative thoughts so... it’s been hard. Do you listen to podcasts? My favorite is Taking Control The ADHD Podcast, for emotional growth I liked Living Beyond ADHD with Dr B and you can’t go wrong listen to Dr Ned Hallowell Distraction

[Emready]

Ok, so I am 36 and have gone through it. Age does help, you start to care less about opionions of others but it doesnt stop the way they treat you. Once I decided I should be treated better, that I am a civilized adult human who allows others to be wierd in thier own ways because I am compassionate, I now expect people to treat me better. I don't give them chance after chance. Even family, I had to look at it like, "are you kidding me, what makes she/he think they can treat me like that?" I used to be polite and quiet about it and I am not aggressively confrontational about it but I am assertive. I respond with questions that make them rethink how they are treating me or talking to me. Phrases such as, "I'm sorry, can you explain to me what you mean" or " can you explain why you assume ....". Other people feel like its ok to point out our flaws especially with a joking manner, remind then that you don't do it to them. Sonetimes after you have made it clear it is not ok to treat you this way, responding by not saying anything and allowing the awkward silence to linger and admonish them for you is satisfying. They often don't think you will put them on the chopping block in front of others. Show them you deserve someone to stand up for you and YOU stand up for YOU! Tell them what they are doing is not appreciated. Even if you can't put your finger on it but you feel thier arrogance, let them know you can tell there's an ill will there and you won't accept that.

[Emready]

I also feel talentless which doesn't help my self esteem but once you realize that you give others courtesy despite thier flaws, you should start to realize that you are worth being treated with dignity.

[LoveDogs71]

I totally relate to what you are talking about. I sometimes get treated like a child from family members to relationships, friends and past coworkers. I'm in my mid 40's. It took me awhile to get use to it and how to handle it. It gets annoying. Especially the way people would talk to me like I'm 5 years old. It use to really bother me to the point where I stopped talking to people, stopped going out and isolated myself for years. I had years of some counseling for depression, anxiety and some for ADHD. I still do and now looking for new ADHD help especially those who know about it and are understanding. I learned some coping skills and it sometimes helped me to add humor to those who treated me like a child. Especially family members and co workers. I got to the point when someone spoke to me like a child or like I'm deaf, I would either walk away from the negative behavior or respond with the same child like tone I'm receiving and wait and see how they would respond. Or respond like " why are you talking to me like a puppet...? or "...did you loose your hearing? and that is why you are talking like that...." I would get a variety of responses like, " sorry, I thought you had a hearing problem...." or I get a strange look. Or depending on the individual & the situation I would privately tell the person I have ADHD. Then they would start treating me more like an adult. Not all of them do. I take it as a lack education in their part and if they don't bother to treat me with respect after I explain to what I have then I don't bother wasting my time and energy being mistreated in a mean negative way. In the past I use to be part of a theatre group and it helped me get out of my shyness and awkwardness. Not only that but it was a great escape from my disability. I wish I had more time to go back to it but it was a fun memory and really worth it.