Some Positive Thoughts

[PinkPanda23]

I have been avidly following another conversation here between non-ADHD spouses looking for help to work with their ADHD spouses (like me). I hope they find what they need here or another forum.

But it got me thinking about my home because they talk about the responsibilities they have to take on when their ADHD partner doesn't do their part.

I actually do quite a bit around here! When we were both working, I was the primary breadwinner even with ADHD, and most often provided the access to medical insurance. I was able to earn more because I am a college graduate, even with ADHD. Through our entire marriage, 29 years, I've been responsible for the finances, making sure we both had our medical and dental checkups, handling any paperwork and business telephone calls. I shop for groceries and plan and cook meals. I remember birthdays in time to buy gifts or send cards. With the exception of my husband's office, whether the home is uncluttered and clean or not is on me, even with ADHD.

My husband can and does fix anything. He has a long honey-do list, but he mostly does things which need doing in a timely manner. He cooks, but only when the mood strikes or I specifically ask him for something that he does well. He's also the outside guy - lawn mowing & snowed in path clearing. He has a vegetable garden which he enjoys that's all his.

My point is that I'm constantly on myself because I forget to do something that's not on a schedule, or get lost on my electronic devices when I could be doing something productive. And he is on me, too. If I do something 8 out of 10 times on my own, I'm proud, where he will harp on the 2 times I forgot. It's hard to shake it off that I can't meet those standards...

But really, I'm quite effective in a good deal of life, and I should celebrate that! I hope you all can make a list of things that you do well, too. And refer to it often! 🙂

[STEM_Dad]

Towards the end of my 20 year marriage, I basically ended up having to do everything. So, it proved to me that I could do it. Of course, that was also at the time I was finally on ADHD meds.

(Before that, my ADHD symptoms were so bad that I was constantly in fear of having the power or internet or phone service cut off, or getting an eviction notice if my rent was repeatedly late.)

So, now that I've proven to myself that I can live on my own successfully, I need to start figuring out how to do better than living paycheck to paycheck... because running out of money every month also takes a toll.

[PinkPanda23 in reply to STEM_Dad]

I marvel at the major changes you've made since your diagnosis and finding medication that works for you. You are clearly introspective and very talented in putting words to the feelings. Your writing suggests that your internal work has brought you some measure of serenity, which in turn enables you to keep at the work with some confidence. Thank you for your always thoughtful responses in this forum! Good luck with next steps to create some more stability in your practical, day-to-day life. As you well know, some things just take time. I feel you will succeed!

[Netjester]

So...I'm the ADHD spouse in your situation and I can tell you that this hits home quite a bit. I can also tell you that a couple of medications that I started taking a few years back has helped my relationship with my wife tremendosuly. Memantine and Naltrexone saved my marriage and I would suggest your husband get started on them right away. The Memantine will stop the "quick to argue" over the smallest things. The reason he does that is because in the ADHD brain, that stimulates his reward center (opiate central). He has no control over it and will jump at the chance to let you know when you are wrong or failed to do something. It's a horrible symptom of ADHD, but can be controlled.

As for Naltrexone, that will help your husband with his impulsivity. It will help to stop the jumping around from new task to new task, without completing them. For me, the change took about 2 weeks and I went from anger to more of an appreciative mode. I even went into "what can I do to help" mode more often. These are not your typical ADHD medications, but have only recently been shown to assist with older adults with ADHD.

Good Luck

[PinkPanda23 in reply to Netjester]

I just wanted to clarify that *I* am the ADHD spouse. My point was that even though I suffer from most of the issues we do, I'm still pretty awesome in many ways, and I need to remind myself of that. We all do. Thanks for your response. I do not tolerate meds due to chemo treatments, so we try what we can.

[Netjester in reply to PinkPanda23]

Those of us with ADHD are very awesome in every way. We have super powers that normal people don't. That's why the innovators and discoverers of the world all have ADHD. Their mind is constantly thinking outside the box.

[DogKissesAreTheBest]

I appreciated this post so much! I used to be able to muster that kind of thinking, but I’ve gotten so low that I believe my partner would be better off without me. It sucks. But I was wondering about something… if I became paralyzed or lost a limb and suddenly couldn’t do some of the things I usually do, would that make me less valuable? How do severely disabled people have worth if they can’t “do” stuff. Are they still lovable and deserving? Of course they are! My therapist said we are a culture focused on production and that’s where this stems from. I’d like to be able to believe that I’m worthy of love and respect, even if I could never do another chore or earn another dollar.

[PinkPanda23 in reply to DogKissesAreTheBest]

A big part of any mental disorder is public perception that we do things on purpose. As if we WANT to forget, misplace, blurt, lose track of time, have difficulty focusing and learning. Because we apparently are selfish and trying to make things difficult for ourselves and others. It's exhausting. I live a 12-step life style that reminds me to keep it in today, do one thing at a time, and be grateful for what I have. It helps to accentuate what's working and build strength to deal with what's not. That works for anyone, even non-addicts. We are all worthy of love just being. We don't have to earn it. That's the hardest part for me - I still struggle with having to try to deserve love and respect by doing something for it. Like a trained seal. But I can handle one day at a time.

[MaudQ]

Gender roles and stereotypes also play in. My husband (non ADHD) does more everyday household chores. I (ADHD female) do more tech and fix-it tasks. I fought this for so long!