Long-term Goals and Meaning in Life - CHADD's Adult ADH...

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Long-term Goals and Meaning in Life

inbetween profile image
19 Replies

Hey all. This is an idea I've wrestled with for a while now: How do you become the person you want to be if your symptoms are preventing you from doing just that?

Treatment (medication, coaching, etc.) is the obvious answer, but I want to pose the question more philosophically. How do you differentiate between what you think you should be, what you really want to be, and what you actually are?

To add some context, I really benefit from added structure and order in my life, as I'm sure many of us do. So that leads me to think that the person I want to be is someone with grit and discipline, because that's what I admire in others. On the other hand, I think that I should be aware of my limitations and work with my symptoms rather than against them.

It makes me wonder... How different would our visions of the future be if we didn't have these symptoms?

I'm thinking big picture, like focusing on a single goal and long-term purpose in life, not just staying on top of day-to-day tasks and interpersonal difficulties. Perhaps the best, most authentic version of me would lean into those ADD tendencies?

I hope I'm not being too ambiguous, or triggering someone's existential crisis, for that matter. This is just a spin on the ancient, unanswerable question "what is the meaning of life?" I'm curious to see if anyone else has thought about it this way. There is no clear answer, but that's what makes it interesting!

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inbetween profile image
inbetween
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19 Replies
TryingToBeSeen profile image
TryingToBeSeen

Hi inbetween !These are some deep thoughts, but I won't lie and say this hasn't been plaguing the outskirts of my mind for some time. I think that for me, I get a glimpse of my most authentic self when I notice I'm not masking. When I feel like I do not have to compensate for anything and what I need to do is aligned with my best interest. It's kind of like how it feels when you hyperfixate on the right thing and you feel engaged in a way that challenges you. This is me at my most authentic, and I want to spend my life chasing this feeling.

When it comes to who I need to be, I base that on the needs of those closest to me and those I am indebted to. In that case, I feel like I need to be the perfect student who does everything on time for my supervisor and isn't bored with the idea of writing up my dissertation after all the exciting cool stuff is over, and for my friends, I need to be present and attentive and capable of giving them the attention and care they deserve, even if it means having to reel my mind in when it wanders during a venting session. This is the version of myself that needs to be able to control my symptoms, at least to a degree that allows me to think beyond my self and associate effectively with the rest of the world.

As for who I want to be, is to be both when necessary, to strike the balance we all strive to achieve and be completely unashamedly my ADHD self and still be able to contribute to society and live a full life. I guess the way I am authentically is dictated only by me and society influences who I need to be while I just want to be unashamed of who I am when I am either. I don't want to feel like my authentic self is a burden, nor do I want to be so lost in my own sauce I'm not purposeful and good to those I love.

So I guess my answer to your first question is to try and keep trying. Balance is a hard thing to strike and we will rarely ever get it right, but I hope that if we keep trying, when we look back we can feel accomplished.

inbetween profile image
inbetween in reply to TryingToBeSeen

I wanted to digest this for a bit before responding, it really got my gears turning.

I find it easy to overlook the importance of balance and compromise, especially with internal dilemmas. I also like to imagine our different needs and wants as mini personalities. Like our identity is just one big bundle of habits, idiosyncrasies, internal critics, beliefs, etc. The angel and devil that sit on our shoulders are a good metaphor, except they have about a dozen other friends that like to chime in. And as soon as one of them gets behind the wheel, then they're steering the bus, at least until the next one takes over. I could get into my opinions on free will, but that would only complicate things needlessly.

Meeting the needs of others and maintaining relationships is a big challenge for me. Your comment really made me think about reevaluating my priorities, in that regard. I have a habit of using Self-Absorbed Mode as an excuse to solve everyone's problems, but I am really just preoccupied and oblivious to the needs of others much of the time.

Thank you for such a thoughtful response, TryingToBeSeen .

TryingToBeSeen profile image
TryingToBeSeen in reply to inbetween

Hey, Thanks for opening up a very interesting conversation.

It is super challenging to try and be present and expose yourself in relationships. I'm totally with you on feeling like you are made of multiple personalities. I often feel like I am about 5 personas, the first being the me that exists when I'm alone, and then my family and my friends each get a different one, my supervisors and workmates have theirs and the last belongs to my psychiatrist and therapists and anyone who finds me in spaces where I am not scared of being judged.

And I guess its because each version has to consider how much of the raw me is acceptable in the current situation and how everyone around me will react to getting to close to it and most importantly if they are in a position to judge me, how much I value their opinion or how much it'll hurt if they can't accept me for me.

I guess self-absorbed mode has also kinda become my defence mechanism, especially since I am still struggling with coming to terms with my diagnosis and how it changes my perception of myself. Because no one can hurt us when we're in our bubble and no one can make us feel inadequate or invisible if we refuse to let them see us. But as I always try to end my thoughts with hope so that my melancholy doesn't fall into itself. And I guess my greatest hope for myself and others is to come to a place of self-love, where we are comfortable in our identity.

PS-Thanks for allowing us the space to feel like we are not alone with all the thoughts in our heads 😁

GregorysMom profile image
GregorysMom in reply to TryingToBeSeen

What would you do if you were older and lived most of your life before they knew anythng about ADHD or the kind of drugs they have now or any of it, like happened to me and zillions of boomers my age who recently learned they had the problem???? Yes my life would have been different but we don't know how or if it would be better. Yes I could complain that I would have been more successful at relationships, and not be so alone now, and all that, but we really don't know. One thing I always had going for me in spite of my handicaps which nobody could name or identify and all the ostracism and rejection I went through , was a dream, self knowledge, motivation, and persistence. If you have the brains, the talent, and the determination, you can achieve things. But you have to be honest with yourself, and not give up and throw your hands up in despair. Most of the great artists in Renaissance and others throughout history were "not normal," but they followed their dream as best they could by any means necessary.

TryingToBeSeen profile image
TryingToBeSeen in reply to GregorysMom

This is a very interesting perspective. I've often thought about if the version of me that didn't know I had ADHD was better off because in my case my diagnosis was kind of accidental. I didn't go out looking for an explanation for my idiosyncrasies, it hit me like a ton of bricks one night when I was scrolling on instagram. I lived in a bubble that I'm just different and because my ADHD didn't affect me in the stereotypical ways of not paying attention in class and other easily observed metrics no one else bothered to notice. I legit had no idea that some things aren't as hard for others or that I was indeed struggling. I guess I thought I could will-power my way out of anything and if I was bad at it, it just sucked. And I guess that is the case for a lot of those with late diagnoses. But then interestingly enough when I found out, I was forced to acknowledge all the pain and anger I've been suppressing since childhood and that was a dark period I'm still recovering from. So I guess knowledge is power, but as you said the biggest key is acceptance and honesty. I didn't accept my struggles before I was diagnosed and because of that, I was hurting myself unknowingly because I tried to match up to an image that I'm not capable of. And I think all the neurodivergents before us had the added advantage of not being standardized, like a lot of us are nowadays. The fact that they could play sports and hated math wasn't as big of a deal as we make it to be now.

GregorysMom profile image
GregorysMom in reply to TryingToBeSeen

In closing I'll give you a recommendation I gave distressed Octopus below. Watch a Netflix movie called "My Octopus Teacher." It's beautifully made and might put things in better perspective for you. Good luck.😊

Iboo profile image
Iboo in reply to GregorysMom

I just came across your post. I thought I’ve been alone my whole life. If we could, I would like to talk further with you.

djgibson profile image
djgibson in reply to TryingToBeSeen

Wow! Great discussion. I appreciate the willingness to share and the depth of the conversation. Lots of issues to digest in here. Who am I? Who should I be? The different personalities we have, or maybe really the different voices and needs that pull on us to act or be a certain way. Can there be balance and compromise? I want to be myself, but can others handle that?

I too was diagnosed late and it sure did explain a lot of my past experiences and helped me understand why I have struggled. I never really realized how hard I was having to work to try and keep up with everyone and that I really couldn't, or at least not in the way our culture tells us to.

Who am I when I am constantly trying to meet the expectations of everyone around me? Am I me, or do I become merely a fulfillment of others ideas of me or expectations for me? Should I even try to struggle to meet others expectations? How does that impact my relationships if I let that go?

I feel like I need to be whatever, whoever, those closest to me need me to be. So a good Dad, a good Husband, a good Employee. I feel like I need to meet all those expectations. I want to be those things because I want to take care of my family. However, in doing and being all those things I have often felt I have lost my self. I don't have enough energy or time to be who I want to be. I want to be a creative person. I want to be an artist, a writer, a musician, a photographer. I have always wanted to be my own boss and own my own company, so I want to be an entrepreneur. I struggle with being able to pursue any of those passions as I need to hold down a job that helps provide for my family, plus I have fears of failing due to my sometimes unpredictable ability to follow through. I feel like I could be a better version of myself if I wasn't stuck in the 40 hour work week grind. If I can be a better version of myself I feel like I would be a better Dad, Husband, etc. etc. so this is a real struggle, because as long as I am stuck in the traditional 40 hour work week I am often too tired and exhausted to be who I want to be and to show up in the way that I would like to show up and how I imagine in my head I could show up.

So who am I exactly? A guy feeling stuck in a career in order to support his family, but who is slowly burning out from the exhausting work week. If I could find a way to escape this madness and be who I want to be I would. I am continually dreaming about escaping this "American Dream" I am living in. Thoroughly exhausted....

Hey there, veeery similar thought patterns have been entertaining my existential crisis, too. I admire the way you structured and posed this question, you have a wonderful mind. Damn.

Not sure where to start speculating towards my answer, so I'll start with the easy part - meaning of life:D I'll numerize my thoughts because I too admire structure and would like to be perceived as someone able to structure my thoughts in a logical manner lol.

1. I want to start with the meaning of life bc it'll give some context about my life philosophy. With my current state of mind and my set of experiences so far (including a near-death experience a year ago), I don’t think there is any meaning to it at all. I see it in sort of a nihilist+hedonistic way, but it’s not a negative view. I think it’s exactly the day-to-day existence where we can create/see that meaning - to make our lives as enjoyable/interesting as possible. In other words, I don’t see meaning as the end-goal; instead, I choose to believe that meaning is relative to each of us and comes from things we do to create that meaning. This is not to say that we shouldn’t have bigger goals to give ourselves a direction/a sense of purpose though.

2. I love how you structured the question about differentiating “between what you think you should be, what you really want to be, and what you actually are.” I think all these 3 segments are narratives we tell to ourselves, including about what we “actually are.” None of them is real, it’s just how we choose to see things. And I don’t think there’s a way to eliminate that perceived mismatch between who you are and who you want to be.

If I’m understanding correctly, you’re wondering what your life could be without your symptoms, since they’re sort of an obstacle to becoming the person you’d prefer to be? If so, perhaps another way to look at it could be exactly how you said it yourself - leaning into your ADD tendencies and view them as something you can work with, not against. Our minds are shifting, changing and adapting every day (brain plasticity) depending on the input. So maybe a good way to see things could be acknowledging that yes, these tendencies might make us different from our perceived ideal of ourselves, but perhaps that ideal should be questioned, too? ADD is great for questioning things, which in my opinion is a much more valuable thing than sticking to an idea of who you want to/should be and blindly moving towards that no matter what. That idea can change at any time, and what you see as valuable traits now might not be the same in a year. So perhaps the answer is embracing the “symptoms” as a tool, and not as an obstacle?

Speaking of ambiguous, haha. Hope this makes sense. Let me know your thoughts!

inbetween profile image
inbetween in reply to distressedOctopus

First of all, thank you for the kind words! I assure you, getting these ideas from brain to text was not quick or easy.

I empathize with the existentialist way of thinking big time. If it's up to you to create your own meaning, then you have almost limitless freedom... Or you can be crushed and paralyzed by the sheer number of possibilities. It then becomes a matter of how you frame it. I like how you described focusing on the little things instead of taking on the pressure of everything at once.

I also agree with your second point. I think that identity is completely arbitrary at the end of the day, but there are still these strange forces inside and outside of us that convince us of certain things. This quote from Charles Cooley inspired my thoughts in the main post: "I am not what you think I am. I am not what I think I am. I am what I think you think I am."

I want to push back a bit on your last point, however. Questioning everything can be good in some circumstances, but it really becomes a burden with ADD, and I suppose that is where it becomes a disorder. You're right about questioning our ideals though. It hurts, but that's the price you pay for wisdom and growth.

GregorysMom profile image
GregorysMom in reply to distressedOctopus

Personally "starting" with the "meaning of life" is a bit overly ambitious, don't you think? I am 70 and I'm still don't know. But I'm busy living and being grateful to be alive and not have this damn virus yet, and am active and lucky to have what I have because I know how much worse it could be. Get your nose out of your navel and go try to make a difference. The meaning will come to you.

PS: You MUST MUST MUST watch this movie on Netflix called "My Octopus Teacher." Sooo beautiful and might help you.

Genevieve42 profile image
Genevieve42

Hi, I'm relatively new here, and I don't have any working medication yet, so I don't have it in me to type out a response as eloquent and meaningful as TryingToBeSeen and DistressedOctopus, but I'm feeling everything the three of you have written. I hope we get a lot more replies, because I need to read them, too. 💛

distressedOctopus profile image
distressedOctopus in reply to Genevieve42

Heyyy, so sweet of you to say that! I'm newly diagnosed and started medication only recently, so what I said came from life experience/consumed knowledge in general. Please don't think that your opinion is less valid or important than anybody elses, even if they seem to have their medication/therapy stuff figured out or have lived longer with the symptoms 💛

Puzzl profile image
Puzzl

Great question. For me the answer has been a very vague urge to be as kind and supportive as possible without being intrusive. It is very difficult for me to avoid the intrusive part because of the ADD/ADHD.

Boingel1234 profile image
Boingel1234

I have joined moments ago and really did not expect to be exposed with thought provoking subject. I think you’ve received well balanced replies pun intended that there is little room to add my comments. On the other hand I cannot be silent on such an important topic.

Your question it’s the very script of our day to day thought process without ya even being aware of it. What you write plays out in my own mind and looks all to familiar and if not for but seeing it written by someone other than me , it would be to close to home to enable me to reflect in an objective manner.

I don’t know if you noticed but you originally ask a very specific question “how can you become the person you want to be ? “

Then you go on to ask how you differentiate between the person you should be to the person you want to be and the person you are ?

Again , I identify your debate as if it would play out in my own mind , I see here 3 parties asking the same question.

1 - “Mr I should “

2 - “Mr I want “

3 - “Mr I am”

The 3 identities exist in each one of us and it’s important we notice who’s asking the question to be able to address it appropriately. And by that I mean , once you identify what within you is asking the question, you take the other parties in consideration before giving your answer. Each identity plays a vital role in our decision and thought process but most mental health issues start when we try to suppress and ignore messages of other parts of our conscience. As someone who’s been diagnosed with OCD since the age of 13 I can testify that it has never turned out well.

For example - Nr 1 should get his answer after you have established what you are and what you want. Nr 2 should get his answer once you know what you should and what you are. Nr 3 should get his answer after you know what you should and what you want.

The above is by no means to give an clear cut answer. For that you need a lifetime but I hope that articulating what my thought process should be I can provide some clarity if this would have played out in your own.

English is not my native language so apologies if there are grammar spelling or any other mispronunciations.

😀

michael682 profile image
michael682

Oh boy I’ve been on this topic since being diagnosed with adhd. It’s so difficult and frustrating because I am personally harder on myself than others are on themselves or myself. I have unobtainable goals, and complex views of how the world should work. The one thing I’ve learned in life that always sticks with me is to write down your personal morals and stick with them forever. I have them up on my wall, in my phone, and in my mind. If I’m “failing” or giving myself a hard time I look at them and remind myself of them. If I’m always following those morals I will be the person I want to be no matter where I end up in life. Imagine it’s a compass and your morals are North, always focus on north and sure you may get a little North west, north East, or even south at times but it’s something you can always look at and remember which way you want to go in life. :) Set your goals around those morals. Why do you want to get up on time, why do you want to make it to work on time, why do you want a family, why do you want a healthy relationship? It develops a reason for your actions which motivates you more. If you commit an action with no reason you won’t get far. I was in boyscouts and I know it sounds funny but I live by “a scout is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, & obedient.” Those are a few of my morals I follow.

I’m sure my comment is kinda off topic but this is how I’ve learned to become the person I want to be and picture myself becoming.

My ultimate goal is a car, house, & family by the time I turn 30. I’ve got 7 more years and know I will achieve it. This goal is obtainable and will be so rewarding especially with the morals I follow. I know I am an amazing husband right now and will be an even more amazing father.

djgibson profile image
djgibson in reply to michael682

Man I love this answer and idea of writing down your personal morals and having them on your wall and in your phone and in your mind to help guide you and be your compass in all decisions and thoughts. It is so easy to get distracted by the craziness and busyness of life that sometimes you can lose sight of what is important to you. Thank you for sharing.

Coonj profile image
Coonj

Hate to tell you about me but, I'm 64. Never have been able to set a long term goal. Took aptitude test to to find about what I would be good at. Found out I an capable of doing anything. Problem - as soon as I got good, I'd lose interest. Been married 4 times, divorced 4 time. Have a tight family but unablest to be involved. Graduated university with 3.1 at 40. Didn't help

I have iqof 164, have had flashes of brilliance that cannot be sustained . The emotional disregulation involved has made it impossible for to even get through an interview with out breaking down.

Jeanydjs@gmail.com wrote about

Dysfunktio profile image
Dysfunktio

This keeps churning in my mind all the time, and now that I have a diagnosis and medicated, I believe i can do something about it.I wish there was a manuel with steps to follow

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