Being treated differently can get frustrating.

[Codebox42]

I'm here to write about something that's been on my mind. To those who have experienced it. To me an ongoing and consistently annoying problem I have to face with ADHD is how people around you either treat your disability in conjunction with you as a person. What I mean is, despite me being clearly 24 years old I'm constantly treated as if I'm half my age most of the time, or like I'm not as adequate. It sometimes feels like I've become my ADHD, rather than it being something I have. It makes communication that much harder because you aren't able to explain things easier people would normally and being treated like this does annoy me. Even when it's something I want to help out with or want to be apart of I'm always just restricted to do whatever, which doesn't bode well when you have ADHD. The last thing one needs to do is be restricted.

Sometimes I question weather or not people do notice I'm 24. This isn't just a present day issue either. It's happened with many other confrontations. It's like I'm hardly included in anything whenever it's something like a group discussion or an overall general problem people are talking about, I just feel like I'm cast to the side or never really informed. Does anybody else get that a lot? I'm actually asking this as a means of relatability and curiosity.

[Lovinit]

Kinda yeah, I usually have a harder time following the conversation in a group setting. Part I think my ADHD and I have moderate to extreme hearing loss

[Hidden]

Buddy I'm 62 3 years ago was diagnosed adhd well add at my age and belive me life has been a dam right struggle still is trying to get to see specialist still got another 2 years so live life best you can hopefully better with meds good luck

[dgs2018 in reply to Hidden]

I can relate to your feelings Johnnygoodwood. People want to be nice and not bring attention to the fact that there are things we miss when in the company of non-ADHD people. It's like we are treated differently because the difference is there, but not overtly mentioned.

[Codebox42 in reply to Hidden]

I feel my life going away everyday because of it. It's also gotten to where my ADHD makes me a bit self destructive. In a couple days I'm going to visit a specialist, I'm hopeful it goes well.

[cjnolet]

I have been working with my ADHD coach on similar things- not exactly the same, but similar. Growing up, I do think that it took me a little longer to pick up on social norms and so I was always viewed as being a tad "late blooming" in terms of my emotional stability and awareness of social norms. In grade school other kids will tend to make it more of a big deal than it really is.

The problem I've noticed with myself is that I've always made it more of a big deal than anyone else. I used to walk around my middle school punching lockers until my knuckles were swollen to get attention from other kids. I wasn't a bully at all, in fact I had a really kind heart, but I would harm myself mentally by basing my self-perceptions on how I thought the world saw me rather than how I really was perceived. In other words, I'd walk into a room, get a little bit of anxiety, and I'd tell myself everyone hated me and that I hated myself. It was based only on fear and not rooted in reality. Because of this, I would sit in class writing "life sucks" on my papers while doodling or I'd do really stupid things in class that would bring me negative attention from others and that would only further reinforce the feelings I already had that I was worthless and everyone hated me. It's a bad spiral to fall into.

I guess what I'm getting at is that your perceptions do actually control your reality. If you are walking around expecting people to single you out and treat you differently then you are going to become overly sensitive to it and anything that you can mistake for that type of behavior from others will only reassure you stay in that vicious cycle.

If I might offer an alternative view- you are just as unique as any other human on this planet. You are alive, which means something- you've survived for 24 years and managed to find food, water, shelter. You've managed to build up enough intellect to navigate your way out of your shelter in order to interact with and learn about the world. Like yourself, others are not perfect and they will say and do things that they might not realize are hurtful sometimes. BUT (and here's the huge catch), people often have a natural intuition for the lack of self-esteem and self-confidence and they will, even without their knowing it, echo back to you your own sentiments of yourself. It's not pretty- but it's human nature (if you want more on this specific topic, check out Makeavelli's The Prince. On the outside it appears a chilling guide for a prince to thrust their way into King-hood but when you analyze it enough, you realize that even though it's somewhat dirty and troubling, it IS human nature.... it's not pretty but it's true).

One year ago, I found myself a 33 year old with 2 kids and a wife carrying around resentment from a past of hating myself, not giving myself any credit, and worst of all- many years of assumptions about how people in the world thought of me. These assumptions were like weights pinning me down, reconfirming my already unbearable anxieties. I would walk around assuming the world hated me and that everyone else in the world knew something that I didn't.

And then came the revelation. Steve Jobs once said "Remember, the world was created by people no smarter than you are". Why was Steve Jobs so successful? If you think it was luck, you are wrong. Steve Jobs carried around the proper perceptions of the world- he trusted himself and knew when to trust others. When I was walking around assuming that everyone thought I was worthless, I was acting worthless. When I would give an opinion to a group of people and someone would give an alternate opinion, I would change my opinion to theirs to get them to like me. I was a people pleaser. But people pleasing doesn't end with just pleasing people to get them to like you. It continues in phases with trying to get constant feedback from them and then eventually resenting them as much as you resent yourself for being the pleaser. It never ends in happiness and I can't see of any way someone could possibly be their own individual when this is their life. The irony behind our opinions is that we all NEED to have them. In fact, you get respected more when yours is your own.

Aside from people pleasing, people are also naturally bred to want to put themselves on top of others. It's not pretty, but it's human nature. At work, at school, in friendship circles, if you allow others to put themselves over you, they will. Further, you will become below them and you will allow yourself to believe such things. There's no reason whatsoever you need to be in that position. I love it when people give me whole-hearted advice because they truly care about my well-being. It's great! But there's a flip-side. People also like giving advice because it makes themselves feel better being on top of that. Often this can manifest itself as people giving advice because they feel more confident in themselves thinking you NEED the advice. It doesn't mean you need to "prove" to them why they are wrong. Rather, it more-so means that you can find ways to dig into your bag of emotional intelligence tricks to formulate a strong reply that shows them you are in a place of control over yourself and that you are to be respected, not looked down upon. Does this make sense? I'm not implying that you respond to them with "Look, I don't need your advice." because that might come off combative and give them more fuel to think of you as emotionally weak. Rather you can find various ways to stick up for yourself and say "Look, we all get to experience this world through our own experiences and I'll choose mine, thank you."

I used to also find myself questioning everything I did to the point where I'd need constant confirmation from others that I'm doing the right thing. Some people, the real leaders, are accepting to this and understand while many others will use it as fuel for their own feelings of being in power over you. I've since started catching myself before I question too much and trusting in my intuitions- planning things out just a little further before I do them.

To your last point- don't live in a "FEAR OF MISSING OUT" mindset. Have you ever read "The Inner Rings" from CS Lewis? I would totally recommend reading that! It's a short essay you can find online and it brought tears to my eyes the first time I read it because it is, yet another, manifesto of both the beauty and ugliness in human nature. You won't be a part of every ring you attempt to join and sometimes it's easy to take for granted the rings we are, just by the nature of our existence in this world, unconditionally a part of.

Brene Brown wrote a book called "Braving the Wilderness". This is a perfect example of everything I've talked about in this reply thus far. It's funny that when we are children we want so badly for people to like us that we become people pleasers but the reality is that people pleasing has the opposite effect, especially as adults. In fact, it's when we become (and expose to the world) our true selves that we really become accepted by others.

Don't strive to fit in, strive to be yourself.

Hope this helps!