I have ADHD. I'm married. 2 kids. 2 cats. A seasonal job. Home owner.
None of this is easy, except the cats, they care unconditionally.
I can't triple multitask, it's become my problem. I struggle to do enough, and something is always falling through, usually: wife, sometimes more. And anything outside of above.
I do my best to take care of it all. But by doing what needs to be done, I've also failed, my wife feels so ignored and let down. It's a dreadful feeling.
You can think, I did these things for us. Or whatever, but people still want you to make them feel special.. it's a good feeling to you too, obviously.
I'm really struggling to maintain a life I worked so hard to get. And I don't know how to do it all, I'm always letting someone down somehow.
I don't know if I can do it all.
Is there any support, help, or anything to help me not screw our life up. The worst part is we have nearly no family support, and lost nearly all our friends after kids.. very alone.
Written by
HaloDad
To view profiles and participate in discussions please or .
I have met many people suffering from those exact conditions. While I am by no means offering an expert opinion, I figure I have nothing to lose if I offer it while visiting this thread. So here it is: you are NOT alone. These are issues that aren't easy to deal with. I suggest you sit down and talk with your wife and kids. Explain to them how you feel. If unable to put it into words, show the above post. Communication is key in all social interactions, so communicate your feelings while listening to theirs. It may sound like the opposite of successful to a stereotypical hetero male, but the truth is bottling it up inside will hurt both parties unless all are on the same page. Don't forget that it takes two for marriage to work, and I suggest setting aside some time for yourself and your wife to date if you can, no use making money and never spending it so if financially stable you can do something romantic. Don't have time? Make time. If you have a boss, tell them you need some time off to spend with your family. I assume like CHADD itself you are American, in which case your boss has a statistically higher chance of being a control freak due to the way Americans seem to tip people constantly. Lastly, if nothing else works and it's an option, it may be time for a fresh start in a new country in a new position. I suggest New Zealand, being a New Zealander, but right now there aren't a lot of jobs here below managerial positions. If you lack any ties to your existing home, a change in scenery with new potential friends can only be an improvement long term. If you can swing it, try going on vacation with your family as a test run to see how you'll deal with a new environment. I felt much the same before I uprooted from Auckland and moved to Scotland for a few years to stay with family, during which I gained a new lease on life. I find that it's a terrible vacation spot though. Cook Islands was much better. Best of all, it'd give more chance of finding romantic time with your partner while on holiday. There are some places that include child caregiving as a service in all the hotels - Fiji in particular is extraordinarily good at catering to both kids and parents...just try to avoid the capital city as a rule of thumb (or at least I do ever since the most recent coup attempt, though things have improved drastically since the previous leader was overthrown). That's just my honestly biased and in no ways all encompassing view...discuss it with your family first before doing it. As I believe I've said, discussing issues is the first step to resolving them. Your partner is very lucky to have you in my opinion, your kids even more so. Rant over
hey. I nip in on and off , mainly because I’ve got no support. And when I read of others trying different things that I have no access to , it makes me so depressed .
Anyway. I digress . Your story resonates as mine , except I have no Job, and over last few years lost my mum and dad , who I deeply connected with and always had them as my safe go to.
You are so not alone , and I feel you so much . I worked hard to get somehwere, wife . Family , some kind of stability / structure . It’s all fone. Friends job parents . And I am scared of it all falling further .
Do you have talks with your family ? I find it does really help , even if just for the moment . Don’t know how old your kids are . But if you are an open family, have that real chat . Share your concerns and worry . Pull together where you can .
Man, that sounds so simple doesn’t it . I’ve had the chats , and things change for a bit but never long enough .
I also get the wife not feeling special . That’s so hard when your mind is busy trying to make sure everything and everything is done . I find it hard to switch between that and husband. As others said , actually diary some time to do something with her .
Yesterday , my wife had just nearly completed her first full week back at the school she works at , after having to take Time out due to everything . It’s been real hard and full of anxiety for her daily ( doesn’t help when i am full of anxiety and the kids , think we all neuro diverse ) , so I got a simple card , saying PROUD OF YOU and wrote inside that I see her . I know what she is going though , I know she has many struggles , and I know it’s hard for her . And I have it to her after work . This simple gesture just showed her that yes it’s all been about me . But I sure as hell know inside she is feeling lost and alone too . Maybe something similar ?? Just a thought .
Know what though ! It sucks for sure . And i wish to god I had a simple answer . But , as the saying goes , you’ve got this . There is no THIS to actually have is there !! It is what it is
Hi, we can relate to your situation alot. Im the non adhd in our home, husband was diagnosed in 60's and I can say it explained alot of our struggles over 25 years. Alot of our families dont believe it so we dont have the support either but we prefer to keep it between us anyways now. I went for a long time feeling lonely too and now he tries to communicate more, I try to understand him more and it has given us both new perspectives, still not easy sometimes but at least we have a new direction. One thing that used to drive me crazy was the long silences, he can sit with me driving, eating or hanging out, and not say a word ! Drove me nuts and now we learn it is a common love language among people with adhd called "parallel play or Body Doubling" where there is great comfort in just being in your loved ones presence without constant conversation. that was a big Wow moment for me, and him really, it explained alot. So,, now I embrace his love for not talking but he will also now try to give me more conversation on occasion. Im not sure any of this helps you, but Im just saying by us talking and learning about it, has helped us alot, especially me
thanks for your comment too. So much to learn and nice to have a new way to look at things since we were becoming at our wits end. Do you have any tips for me?
Hmm not sure I have any tips. One of the things about my husband that has caused many an argument is that he doesn't listen well, but I realize that many times he is not really attentive b/c he is "listening" to something else i.e. his thoughts. So instead of asking him "are you listening" I might say "do you need me to repeat that?" Also I will break things down to steps or bullet points because he tends to only hear the first part of what I say
I struggle with this so much too, we will be sitting quietly for so long and then I decide to say something and it makes him start to talk at the same time and we dont hear each other at all, so frustrating
It might be overwhelming, or it might not be agreed on.
A lot of quietness is to avoid argument or stimulation. For me, anyway.
So what I recommend. Is put yourself in their shoes. Basically take yours off. And see if they're either listening or cringing.
A.
If they're trying to listen, slow down and give time for the gears to turn. There are a number of reasons someone isn't processing at your same speed. They might have an opinion, they might be trying to remember. 2 to 3 things max or something might be forgotten. Maybe it's enough until the next good time.
B.
If it's cringing. Just pause. Come in softer, from a different angle. They don't agree; often we don't feel heard or understood.
Note:
Explain why it's important to you. Even if the topic doesn't much matter, they definite still care about what matters to you. Because of B, they will relate to this. And it'll maybe give them a chance to say why they don't.
Tip: don't take this reaction personally, its partially how they feel (ie. Cluttered).
Sometimes people with ADHD don't get their way often, and that's nice to have as well.
thank you HaloDad, your input is welcome ! It brought up another question for me, you mentioned they may have forgotten, (in the conversation) do you think this is a common issue? He sure seems to forget or have trouble recalling, even things that he just said. Just wondering how common that is
The thinking work space is limited. If it fills up with other anxieties or priorities there is a good chance it'll get left out.
I don't want to use the word forgotten, trouble recalling is more accurate. It's not intentional. There is a mental fog..
That "fog" operates literally the same way, through thoughts. Thoughts fade, sometimes entirely [That's when people forget things like "did I lock the house"].
This is what's happening. But to answer your question:
It's common for everyone, but the amount depends on the person and ADHD type.
Ie. High functioning are generally successful and remember more, juggle thoughts, less mistakes, successful. The Stars and CEOs open about it.
On the other side you've got the inattentive, it's high fog.
ADHD is on a spectrum, this attribute, I would speculate, follows along.
If your husband is somewhere in the both to inattentive categories, it's been a struggle his entire life. And I ask you to always strive to have patience with this. And help him be his best self ❤️
This type is less studied and often ignored. I found this book did good job articulating the challenges. This journal of inattentive research highlights actual relatable challenges of inattentive ADHD. It's a short, inexpensive, easy read.
It's not perfect and challenges can vary, but it's far better than most documentation.
It is so true, I wonder why the innattentive version isnt so widely talked about? I did some more digging after you the book you sent and I was surprised at how much there ISNT available for options
to be honest its part of why Im still here, he IS willing to do what he can, he wants to do more but he gets in his own way. The team reference I use alot lately to remind him its not just him, its US dealing with this. thanks for your help and insight
I am so sorry for your struggles. I know it is hard because I am right there with you. It is so easy to become overwhelmed when there is more than one thing to focus on. I survive my days by making a hand-written list of things I want to finish, - not accomplish - just finish. And the list is short. Make it simple, something like thanking you wife for dinner. That way, when the rest of life interferes, and it will, you can pull that piece of paper out of your pocket and get back on track. My thoughts are with you.
And don't forget to share this idea with your wife. I don't know how old your kids are, but they can be included too.
One other trick I used was to time things. Like I hated doing the dishes, especially when feeling overwhelmed. One night I asked my self "just how long does it take to do the dishes?" The answer was ten minutes. So now I tell myself, I have ten minutes.
reach out to those friends. I make a plan to text or call at least 2 friends a week. Even if you grew apart, they haven’t forgotten you, While you’re waiting for a response, buy something for your wife RIGHT NOW. It could be tickets to a show, or an item she’s been wanting, or even a book she’s been wanting to read electronically, but as long as it’s thoughtful, she will feel seen. Heck, it can even be making a nice coffee or buying her favorite cup (or gift card).
Are you on meds? They do help you keep other people in mind, even when they aren’t right there in your face. If you choose not to be, sticky notes are your friend. Yes they are messy, but then you can toss the ones you handle. You can even color code them. You can also try out bullet journals. Schedule time each week to do something for your wife. Hope this helps. Zen hugs.
Yeah. All of this. It's so busy in the summer for me, like I work 8 to 12 hour days for 7/8 months seasonally. On call in winter. I'm less involved over these months.
During those months, I don't mean to sound like a prick, its like when you're assigned that project at the start of the year and you do all your other homework, but then come back to the massive project right before it's due..
This is really what my problem is. I'm aware, just swamped. I need to put her first. I feel like I need a personal secretary some days, not to lecture but to guide so priorities like this aren't on the back burner.
ADHD is tough. I was born with the inattentive kind. Forgetting quickly and remembering at the wrong time is just part of the fun.
Maybe set a weekly alarm or alert and if it goes off and you’re not ready to do a thing, only use snooze so you can make sure you get to it. Alarms help me immensely. I even take a small break from my work to do them.
I get that. I’m a special education teacher. Sometimes the alarms actually tell me I need to take a break from work so that I do some self care and don’t take out things on my family.
I’m the neurotypical parter of a person with AHDH, and this feels very familiar to me. I see that he’s trying very hard and I try to give him as much room as I can to accomplish his tasks, get enough sleep, have fun, etc. but I feel like I’m carrying far too much of the load of our lives and it’s exhausting. I don’t feel seen or heard a lot of the time. It feels he doesn’t have room in his brain for me, for hearing how my day & struggles are going, even though I know deep down he cares.
Even if it’s sporadic, making clear efforts to thank your wife, and to spend quality time with her, will go a long way. Weekly date nights help. Doing whatever chores or household contributions you’ve worked out helps. Honestly, even setting aside 10mins/day to “check in” with each other is a really good way to stay connected.
Sorry that you’re feeling overwhelmed, wish I had more solutions to offer. But it does sound like you have a lot of love around you, which means you’ve done a lot right!
I'm an out of sight out of mind person, and most of my friends have learned to accept that. I have one friend who accepts, but I know its hard for her. I have a reminder in my phone that texts me to reach out to her...
Maybe do something similar for your wife? Find out her love language, and once a week, once a month, whatever you can do without overwhelming yourself.. set a reminder so you can remove it from your mental plate while knowing it's still intact.
And then drop everything and do it as if it's a deadline.
My situation is different, I'm single, no kids, but the feeling is the same for me. I can't do it, I'm not up to it and I'm continually failing. That's how I feel about life. Like everyone else is just walking along on the ground, enjoying life, and I'm walking on an elevated railroad track, where I can keep it up for a while, but inevitably I fall. There's an expression - "It's like trying to teach table manners to a bear" - that's what I feel like, a bear trying to learn table manners. I can't do it, I'm not equipped for it. Then inevitably my self esteem goes down the toilet - I'm a failure, an idiot, a loser, etc etc. Wish I had an answer, all I can say is that I relate. If you find a solution, maybe let me know and I'll let you know if.I find one. In the meantime best of luck
I was going to say another difference in my situation is that my struggles are all within me and don't involve other people, but then I remember that my girlfriend just dumped me because she was tired of my constant frustrated outbursts, so.. I guess it isn't that different.. clearly I don't have the answers, but I am asking the same question
You're not alone - yep! Totally, relatable. You're not wrong in the slightest.
Definitely hits a nerve reading what you wrote.
My advice, is to be more fair to yourself. The world operates for the fit. We didn't get a good hand of cards, but it doesn't mean we don't get to play..
It is only now starting to acknowledge and accommodate mental illness. In Europe (the old country) gay is still criticized and mental illness doesn't exist on a normal level. It's early days of acceptance. We're lucky it's accepted in North America.
Remember you were born this way. Remember you're a person too. And in that way, we're the same as anyone else.
You pulled a few tears out of my face. I get you. Please don't beat yourself up. You don't deserve it. Everyone deserves to be treated with kindness and be happy.
You aren't alone. I can't speak for you, but I was very fortunate early in life to "embrace" being a weirdo.... my stock answer to perplexed looks was too shrug my shoulders and say "I don't know.. it works for me so I just go with it". And eventually, the perplexed looks stopped...
I was actually SO well trained to value my uniqueness, I struggled a lot when I found ADHD groups and learned i was normal amongst those people.
At the same time, when I'm tired, I'm hangry, I'm overwhelmed, I forget my meds too many days in a row, I find myself chanting ALL the things you say in my head.
We truly can't exist in the world without a mask, how do you ever feel 100% confident in yourself if you HAVE to hide parts of yourself from most of the world!
Content on HealthUnlocked does not replace the relationship between you and doctors or other healthcare professionals nor the advice you receive from them.
Never delay seeking advice or dialling emergency services because of something that you have read on HealthUnlocked.
Guilt Around Not Being Able to Help Aging Parents 
Adderall Tolerance - Need Help
Scattered mind scattered life
Do you have support at home?
Newly diagnosed, scared, need encouragement
