Here are some other realizations I've come to regarding the limitations ADD puts on my life. In addition to not being able to remember anything, or to do anything without screwing it up, in addition to not being able to feel confident or relaxed or have positive self esteem, or feel like I can compete or contribute anything significant, here are some other things I've realized I can't do, because of ADD and all the awkwardness and clumisness that comes with it. You know those moments in a movie and sometimes with other people in real life where someone really tells someone off? I can't do that. If I do, immediately afterwards I will wreck it by walking into the door or something embarrassing and awkward. As soon as I tell someone off, life tells me off. If I ever try to put someone in their place, life puts me in my place. I can't even think to myself "Wow, that person is really stupid," because as soon as I do that, I'll do something really stupid myself. It's as if life is saying, "No, YOU are the stupid one." Even on the positive side, if I'm with people talking and I suddenly think of the perfect story to tell with a funny punchline ending, if I do that, when I get to the punchline I'll make some expressive gesture and knock a drink off the table and everyone will go, "Oh no," and help to clean it up and my little story will go to hell. Whoops, I felt too good for a second, we can't have that now can we? I can't feel too good about anything, life or myself or anything else, or I'll get knocked down a peg. Apparently I'm meant to just go through life staring at my shoes and waiting for it to be over. Does anybody else hate ADD as much as I do? Does anyone else feel as hopeless about it as I do? I appreciate advice and all, but I'm convinced I'm a hopeless case. If I take medication, it'll seem to work until everything catches up again. Trying to follow organizational tips can sometimes seem to help at first but I get overwhelmed soon enough and start forgetting and I can't keep it up and everything goes to hell again. If I apply myself really hard to fixing any problem, I'll be neglecting something else that will fall apart. There is no hope. All I know to do to feel better is vent here. I hate ADD, and I hate myself. It pretty much sucks, and there's nothing I can do about it. I'm doomed and cursed. But aside from that, everything's great!
Other reasons to hate ADD: Here are... - CHADD's Adult ADH...
Other reasons to hate ADD
I have realized when my anxiety level is high it is easier to be hard on myself...do you feel that way?
I'm harder on myself after I've done something stupid, which may be caused by anxiety? Anxiety isn't the main thing with me, more frustration. Although constantly screwing up has me anxious for where the next one is coming from sometimes, and I feel I can't relax, just waiting for the next disaster
I'm with you on the ADD causing low self esteem and a lack of confidence. I'm not overly clumsy, despite being tall, but my large feet often cause me to walk up other people's ankles, or step on stuff I don't mean to.
I'm definitely awkward though, as I don't like being the centre of attention and just doing something like ordering a can of fizzy juice from a drinks machine, I always seem to either take too long or mess it up somehow. I get embarrassed and flustered being in a queue and just paying for something stresses me out, as I hate taking too long.
It's all very frustrating. I may have Autism with my now diagnosed ADHD and previously diagnosed OCD, so my brain is like a constant whirlwind and battleground of thoughts. My girlfriend thinks I'm lazy and calls me 'The Procrastinator', but when your brain is wired differently, it's just how it is. If I'm The Procrastinator, she's The Nagging Dragon!
You could tell your girlfriend "there's no such thing as laziness" - that's a thing going around, I think there's even a book on it
"The Nagging Dragon"...I will give you credit when I use this
I so relate to everything you just shared. And, vent away! Sometimes we just need it.
And when you are done venting, sit down with Mindful Self Compassion meditation playing. It helps. Kristin Neff.
Thank you for reminding me it doesn't have to be a torturous as it was before the dx. When I thot it was "just me".
I’ve had many times when I’ve look at my ADHD as a superpower! But recently, I’ve been managing a lot of extra stress and can identify with a lot of your feelings. Thank you for sharing all of your frustrations so openly. It reminds me that I’m not alone and we all feel this way sometimes, especially when we try so hard and cannot always control the outcome. Thank you, again. It makes things easier for the rest of us who are feeling frustrated today. This, too, shall pass.
I hear you. ADHD is hard. I find it especially hard to live with the knowledge I hurt and anger people with my lack of sensitivity to other people’s feelings. An abandoned dog will get my full emotional sympathy. However, I may in insult your mother with no awareness that what I said was inappropriate - true perhaps - but inappropriate. I now limit my social life to have as little to do with people as possible. So exhausted feeling I have to question every word and attitude during and after I interact.
Investigate your psychology and engage introspection to identify where your strengths and weaknesses are and where you have freedom to improve and what areas need less of your attention. ADHD makes you unique and valuable to the world. Your brain is not the same. Your mind thrives under different circumstances and conditions that an average person would fail. You think differently about the world and what you see. Bring those people places and conditions out in your life once you know what you need. ADHD in a world or environment where people build and see what only they see —would cause an ADHD person to feel bad. You have the ability and will to remove yourself from people places or things that don’t draw out the best parts of your ADHD. Be curious and find your fits!
I hear you. I was diagnosed two weeks before my 50th (a bit under 2 years ago at this point), and I went from being this funny, intelligent guy with a bright future to the broken idiot in the room who no one can stand. No one. Overnight. That's what the awareness of what this is, and finally hitting on the right diagnosis did to me (for me?).
There's no going back, so yes, it's excrutiating to now live in a world where everything is basically the opposite of what it used to be and I don't get to 'take a break'. I'm socially awkward now that I have learned to practice better impulse control. I'm nowhere near as fun as I used to be, etc, and all the rest of it, but at this point, I'm starting to see that I likely would not choose to be the guy I used to be.
That guy cried screaming bloody murder once or twice per week. It was dismissed as panic attacks: here's some Xanax. And Librium. And some Klonopin to take the edge off. I was diagnosed bipolar 2, severe depression, dysthimic, generalized anxiety disorder, oppositional, 'cyclic depressive', 'agitated depressive', and on, and on, and on, going back 20 years. My ONE mistake was listening to those dozy quacks. Doctors are idiots, full stop.
After asking every single one of them, again, going back 20 years if I had ADHD, they all said there was simply no way - I was always too "high functioning". Yeah, right, until 45 or so, and then I wasn't, and things started going downhill pretty fast from there.
Aaaaaaaanyway, bringing us to here today, what I can tell you from personal experience, is that reading your post is sadly, all too familiar. I totally understand and please do know that you are not alone. Secondly, you are relentlessly beating on yourself, so please, by all means, start practicing self-compassion. The more you do that, the more clearly you will begin to see what is under your control and what is not. I'm a cradle Catholic, but I have to tell you, I've started reading the Stoics, starting with The Letters of Seneca, and I could not recommend it more. Stoicism has a weird way of calming everything down, telling it like it is in a very efficient and transparent way, and it's helped me immensely to take it down a notch or two on myself. Therein lies strength.
Having said all that, I now see my self-discipline as self-control and it's become empowering over the last few months. I no longer hear to respond like I used to. I started listening to understand, which is vastly different. Not only that, but I just about ceased answering back or chiming in. I only do that when I need to, when it benefits ME and when I assess that I care enough about the other person to rectify their flawed logic or illogical/false statement. Remarkably, my replies dropped about 90%. I noticed this helps me conserve cognitive energy and helps me build cognitive reserves (along with good sleep, exercise, staying physically engaged throughout my day, like standing at my desk and pacing a bit here and there - simple stuff) and I started prizing that. I will simply not pilfer away or waste my reserves on an undeserving audience, no matter who they are.
Is this morally reprehensible somehow? No. All that's happened is that I've gone from having a brain that's been going at 20k RPM in first gear my whole life, to learning to use the clutch and shift gears at around 5k RPM, if the analogy makes sense. No one can see, hear or interpret anyting beyond the fact that I'm simply being quiet, attentive to what they are saying and choosing to engage or not. Either way, it's not disrespectful to them. But far more than that, it is respectful to ME.
Learning to STOP was the first big battle with my adult ADHD. Then, learning to start again was WAY harder, wow. So, now the journey continues and all I need do, is keep shifting gears at the right time with less jerking from the clutch and, what a concept, learning to use the breaks when I get to a stopping point, metaphorically speaking.
You may notice now that you've read this and you've gone a minute or two without berating yourself. Voila. I know exactly where you are, but until I learned to start replacing my negative thoughts about myself with other mechanics, other thoughts, other avenues to pursue progress, I could not shift out of 20k first gear. Your post took me right back there.
Take heart, there is hope. None of us are perfect and I'm sure I have plenty of faults, just as you do. But you do NOT have 'all the faults', 'all the time', as I interpret your post. You are too busy putting yourself down to let yourself get up in any way.
My humble advice would be to plow through a daily meditation practice, as hard as it was for me at the beginning. Nothing in everything I've done to manage ADHD has taught me to slow down. Yes, sleep well, eat right, exercise, and all the rest of it, but do take time every day to meditate for just a minute or two. Before you know it, you'll be at 12 minutes per day and everything else will start clicking together a bit better. If I did it, I'm quite sure you can too. I spent six months not being able to get out of my sofa in the living room because I could not move or leave the house. I did the one thing I could still do and I researched and read up on Alzheimer's and Parkinson's disease. I was headed straight there, and at the ripe old age of 50. No thank you. It took a year, but I finally got off that couch and after getting back in the pool for the last three months, I'm clocking in 120 laps, or 3000 yards in just over one hour.
If I can do it you can too. I'm not talking about the swimming, you'll find your outlet: I'm talking about finding empowerment within yourself by learning to stop first, then learning to start again, and modulating your mental energy throughout.
Less is truly more.
Be well. Godspeed.
Omgoodness Focus and Flow. Thank-you for taking the time to detail your experience. I relate to it very well indeed. The shame of the diagnosis is so real and so very hard. And feeling like I have no memory (even though I have a degree and work as a professional, but somehow can’t remember to pack a toothbrush to go somewhere?? -Metaphorically speaking- some days I dread the thought that I am losing my mind). And then I meditate, and exercise and eat well, and I’m trying to convince my hubby that I actually need his help sometimes, and on life goes. I love your take on things and relate to it very well. Thanks again. On we go.
Thank you, Lilwonder, I truly appreciate your feedback. Today, as it happens, I'm dealing with things breaking in the house and my list of home improvement projects getting longer. Ugh...
That said, the negative thoughts around having to research these fixes to do the DIY approach and spending $50 on supplies vs. paying 500-1000 for someone else to fix it is driving me mad because it takes time away from the job search, which makes me anxious, depressed, etc. And so the song goes...
No matter - It is another opportunity to learn to stop and start something else, in compartementalized form, break it up into steps and schedule it in little breaks throughout my day, always minding the clock and the alarms.
I was able to source a used washer when ours finally died and paid 225 for it (almost new) instead of blowing 600-800. I spent half a day taking the other one out, putting this one in, cleaning everything behind all the appliances in the laundry room, hooking it up and wrapping up with that task. I felt AMAZING when I was done and it helped tamp down the 'oh my god, I should be looking for a job' jitters.
Anyway, every day brings the same challenges and some new ones, and I'm doing my best to navigate and problem solve as time-efficiently as possible, putting a premium on FINISHING simple tasks vs. leaving everything 90% complete, which used to be my Modus Operandi, of which I was totally unaware.
Now the fabric on the soft top to my convertible (daily driver) came off the glass at the bottom. The bonding failed. $1000 replacement top and 800-1000 labor to install a new one? No, thank you. Minding the youtube minutes and going online, I'm sourcing about $50 of materials from amazon to scrape off the old bonding and figuring out how to rebond it myself. What a pain in the rump, but I get to save A TON of money and I get to look forward to figuring out how to do something I've never done before.
I know I'm long-winded. I'm very quiet now, but I do write more. Thank you for indulging me a bit on this side.
Be well. Godspeed.
"You are too busy putting yourself down to let yourself get up in any way." Words to live by.
You sound like you have taken control of your life...you also sound confident which is great. I am going to stop here because I said what I wanted. I usually go on with long posts but I am going to show self-control which is rare😁
It sounds like you are having a really hard time of it, and if anything please know that you are not alone. Find the people who walk the walk with you. if you can't find them, maybe open a support group yourself.
CHADD.org has some guidelines with that enterprise: it's not as difficult as it may seem, but can help you find peace through knowing there are other people who need to hear your story and you theirs.
I know these forums are great resource, but the in-person group is different. It brings you out of the narrow lane and focuses your energy on the greater good of the group. This was for me the way... the healing I needed came for doing.
Accomplishments are the seat of your self esteem. Having ADHD can really wear away at your core, but making good things happen for others, builds it up. I would have never thought in a million years that this was a thing I would do, but 18 years later, I benefited more I think than the people I helped.
You need to accept yourself and accept your ADHD. Embrace it as part of who you are. It's difficult, but it helps reduce self-criticism. I have dyslexia with ADHD to the extent that I can make mistakes in writing my own name, not to mention everything else. It's very hard to admit when your inner "self" doesn't align with the way your brain works. But think of it like this: when you were born, you were given an avatar with ADHD. That's just how it is, so try to accept it. When you do, you'll find yourself responding to these situations with humor more often than with negativity. Give it a try, it should help—it helps me.
Before I was diagnosed with ADD everyone thought I just had a long list of issues and generally it never bothered me to poke fun of myself about these things...I found it seemed to put others more at ease and the humour could help them understand a little. After the diagnosis I could explain to people how most of those issues were tied back to the ADD...people would be like "that makes perfect sense". I have always been comfortable sharing with friends about my issues because I then know if people know everything about me and accept me for who I am and still want to be my friend then that is genuine and awesome.
I certainly agree..
How do people get better with ADD ? 
In Need For Life Advice for ADD
