My new boyfriend craves the non traditional life. He wants to travel the world with me and ‘figure it out.’
Of course I want this but I was just diagnosed 2 months ago and we do not have a solid foundation yet with one another, especially in how we cope. We are long distance right now which has been terrible. We fight constantly and he keeps asking that something needs to change… while I said it was the distance, he said it is something more. I got a job teaching and he seems to be upset about this. So I shared the following message and just need some feedback:
I need to experiment with medication before that. ADHD effects us all differently and you are experiencing the parts where it debilitates me. For example when we come to disagreements and we start doing circles in conversation (talking) or something doesn’t make sense to me - my brain shuts down and I don’t know how to continue. I can see how this affects my partner… like they don’t feel heard. What they have to say is not important.. etc. it makes me feel terrible. Like why can’t I just listen. Why can’t I have the patience to listen. My processing is gone, I feel terrible and this leads to everything you have witnessed. I try to ask for things in writing as it allows me to process and understand. Recordings help too because I can go back and listen. If I feel stupid or put down for this - it propels me into deeper shame and anger with myself. Why can’t I be normal and listen.
Remember in the hotel… we had a disagreement. My response was to leave, because verbally talking leaves me feeling lost when emotions are high. I am nervous that we haven’t built a foundation yet where we have learned how to do things differently. All we have had was this.
I want to feel confident in this before I take that incredible adventure with you.
—-
I don’t know what else I can do and think I might lose him. Maybe we just aren’t right for each other :,(
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Steak101
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You know Nothing about him. How will you and he finance this trip ? Please, Please Do Not do Anything Drastic ! Online is not Real Life. If the two of you are not getting along now. You will Not get along living together and traveling
He's wanting to get off and start his adventure, the time is absolutely not right for you - the latter is your red line and he needs to understand that, as long as he thinks he can persuade you the more he's going to try to get you to budge. Get an idea from your health provider how long titration usually takes, double it, tell your boyfriend that whilst you find the prospect of adventuring around the world with him incredibly attractive and something you want to explore with him you have an essential health project on at the moment on which the whole rest of your life will depend and your health care provider does not consider it will be safe to travel, particularly in unknown and remote parts of the world until that project is complete in [insert your deadline]. Make the suggestion that until that time you could both prepare for the adventure; perhaps have savings goals (saved separately, of course for the moment), researching a bit about the cultures, terrain and must see sights and events in some of the countries you want to visit etc. Tell him this is your active commitment to the adventure for the moment but that discussing going earlier than the time it will take you deal with your health issues first - a firm deadline you will have given - him is a non-negotiable and attempts to persuade you otherwise will scupper the whole travelling plan for you. Ignore any protestations or attempts to discuss your deadline beyond that, don't get drawn in "I'm not moving on that deadline" / "do you want to be travelling with someone who's too unsure of her health to be able to fully embrace the experience?", "We've discussed this and I'm not going to discuss it further, the topics that are up for discussion in relation to travelling are ... but altering the timescale for when I'm able to leave is not something I'm going to discuss further". You're a teacher, you know the drill, firm boundaries and distraction when dealing with children and I'm afraid that, at the moment, your guy seems to be behaving like an excited kid. Give him the chance to prove he can think outside of his own desires and consider the needs of others and if he can't, well, would you want to be in the middle of the back woods of a foreign country and culture whilst struggling to get hold of the meds you need accompanied by someone who's only focus is the excitement of the adventure?
wow! you articulate yourself Absolutely beautifully. Most people who are adventurous (yet grounded n mature) would completely appreciate what u wrote to them.
couple ideas: first, see if you can travel if you do online teaching. Also, maybe make an agreement for you and partner to live together for a year before traveling together if things work out. Also, for the fighting, maybe see if the both of you can do arguments via texting. It worked for me and my ex so we couldn’t interrupt the other, and it gives you a chance to revisit the information at a calmer time. If that is not an option, see if you can record the conversation and have a transcript made. Otter is a good app for this. I use it for interviews and other meetings so I can process the information better.
Thank you for contacting CHADD National Resource Center on ADHD. Relationships can be tough, and understanding ADHD might help. Your boyfriend might benefit from learning more about ADHD and how it affects people differently. We have a non-ADHD support group at CHADD that he might find helpful if he's interested. aacochadd.org/Upcoming-Meet...
Oh do I feel for you! I know how hard it is to find true, lasting love, and between managing ourselves, managing our lives, and looking for love, navigating life can feel almost impossible at times.
My first suggestion is to be true to yourself first. How? This is by getting your medication, habits, and lifestyle sorted out first. You cannot be a good partner to anyone - no matter how compatible they are (or are not) - if you do not first look after yourself. Being a good partner involves knowing yourself well and managing yourself well to the best of your ability. You can certainly have faults and human weaknesses - we all do. But to be a good partner, you need to consistently show up and try to be the "best" version of yourself. Otherwise, you will not be able to meet your partner's needs. You may not even be able to articulate your own needs well or help your partner meet your needs, either.
I was recently diagnosed as well. Once I started medication, I began to seriously evaluate my lifestyle and habits. I needed time to get the medication dose right and then I needed time to sit and reflect on what I was doing well and what I was doing poorly. I needed coaching, then I needed to see where I wasn't coping well, and I needed to find coping strategies that worked for me, and then put them into practice. All of this requires stability and consistency. It also requires an understanding partner (if you have one) and a solid support network of friends, family, and therapists who understand what you are going through and the work that you are trying to do.
As for your partner, he needs to understand ADHD well. He also needs to understand that some of your "faults" and "quirks" and communication challenges are due to the ADHD and/or maladaptive coping patterns that you've developed over the years. You two might actually be very compatible, but you won't necessarily see this until you've been able to develop better patterns.
This leads me to my next point. People often said that ADHD medication is like "putting on glasses for your mind." When I first started meds, I didn't notice this at all. But as I titrated my dose, I began to notice that my thoughts were clearer and clearer. I could now articulate exactly what was bothering me and why, whereas previously, my understanding of my own thoughts and feelings was fuzzy and vague at best.
As an aside, it's worth noting that the right medication at the right dose makes you a better travel companion. It can help minimize the effects of jet lag, plus it can help keep you focused on what you're seeing, doing, and experiencing.
To conclude- please focus on dealing with your ADHD and creating stability and better habits for yourself first. You won't be able to realize your full potential as a partner in a romantic relationship until you've at least started some of this work. Plus, you may find that your ADHD treatment makes some of the issues that you and he are experiencing disappear over time.
How to deal with him? This is my second suggestion. If my response resonates with you, you may wish to discuss it with him. Please ask him for his understanding and patience. Maybe the two of you need to take a time out and resume later. Maybe the two of you need to plan for traveling the world later. Or maybe he steps up and helps you through this process first. Once you are more stable, then the two of you can begin to discuss life goals and plans, including traveling the world.
Now, if he refuses to do all of this- if he refuses to wait, or to be patient, or to accommodate you as you grow, then as hard as it may be, you two may just not be compatible. He may also not have the maturity to be in a relationship with you, either. I know this is hard to hear and as I said at the beginning, when you are having difficulty finding love, this can be the last thing you want to hear. But you ultimately need someone who will be loving and supportive, and will want to stay with you through thick and thin. We are all a work in progress, and the right man will see that you want to develop, and will help you do just that.
Deep breath, this is all so so true and we absolutely cannot try to convince someone of our worth. Thank you for taking the time to respond to this. I have given him the freedom to leave and he seems relieved 😔. Clearly makes me feel not worth it but you are so right. We must be our best versions and I will face this head on… I already bought an alarm clock so I am not bringing my phone into my bedroom to see if he has radically changed his mind. I have to move forward and deal w my adhd and have faith my partner is simultaneously doing this work too. I love you guys.
You are so articulate and thoughtful and something tells me he is not or is not appreciative of it. Follow your own path and NEVER , I repeat NEVER depend on a man. I have 2 girls and the no 1 thing I teach them is independence of thought and action. Ask yourself if this step will make you happy and fulfilled. Ask yourself how you will feel without structure. Ask yourself if YOU want to give up your new job. Then make the decision. But from where I’m sitting this is one relationship to let go of.
I have to screenshot this because it does not take long for me to forget my needs and slide back into pleasing. Thank you for taking the time to post this.
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