How to properly say i am sorry? and how to follow through as an adhd person who can never get started on anything?
How not to stay silent and not look like a victim because you are staying quiet?
How to convey that hey i hear you and even though i am playing it cool I'm truly stressing and although i may not bring the topic up because of the anxiety i feel from thinking that bring up this topic will cause WW3 i fantasize of having a nice conversation with you and move forward with change in place and with us staying together while we work this issue out.
i think of everything everyday and most of the time even though you tell me how to start, i'm still stuck at START not because i don't love you or care but because i am paralyzed
yes i am not paralyzed if i see time is ticking closer and my sense of urgency now is on 100 but it doesn't mean it's because i am a selfish person that wants to fake that i care.
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Chrysalis3
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Hello Chrysalis3,May I suggest you show them your post? Maybe communication via the written word is best for now.
I have had clients turn their relationships around with a simple note explaining that they are working on things and that they love their partner very much.
It is a way to let them in and you get to say everything you want to say without getting distracted. And they get to "hear" you without being interrupted.
You have a good heart, show them how much you care. Find support to learn tools for procrastination and task initiation and to off load all the bad messages you believe about yourself.
You deserve all the good the world has to offer, you are worthy of being loved and accepted just as you are.
The other day he took my journal right in front of me and was like what is this? i said a journal and he took it read it (without permission) and came back and said You really think you are a victim, don't you. Even in writing my words get twisted.
This person has known me for a long time and has known all my ugly. I am not innocent of pain i have caused. All he see's is my actions. If I stay quiet after he talks, "there you go in victim mode" "when you stop being a victim over there" He doesn't see the freaking out n the inside and when i say something about it he says it bs because when it comes to other situations i am quickness's to open my mouth.
Earlier we had a blown out fight and i apologized for what i did for the 100 million time and he was like what if i did something to you that was very unpleasant and deeply hurt you and imagine me coming to say im sorry and that's it! I don't know what else to say when again if i just start talking and don't apologize then i am also being rude and disrespectful.
I can't focus on anything and all he see's is how i have been sitting here. but i literally pace back and for the from the stress and anxiety about what to start. My job, home, child and husband have deadlines for me everyday and they are all important. breathing feels painful literally
To open my mouth and discuss what i will make for dinner makes my intestines squirm from the stress of it not being considered god enough and look he is right i could do better but right now this is all i could give considering the circumstances, mental state. im so uneasy i just want to go to sleep.
Chryssalis3,That sounds awful. I'm sorry you are in that space right now. Your system is stuck in hyper fight or flight mode. Until you feel safe that is difficult to change.
Are you able to work with a therapist? I get the sense there is trauma that needs processing.
Psychologytoday.com is great and you can search by specialty like Trauma informed. Or betterhelp.com which is all virtual and can be more budget friendly.
Be proud of yourself for posting here, that took courage. You are brave. I recommend you take your courage and find the support you need, one on one therapy, from what you've shared, sounds like the best fit.
I feel for you so much. I know what you're going through...not everything and not exactly, but I do know. Dealing with ADHD is bad enough even under the best circumstances. but having any kind of relationship is nearly impossible for me (from my point of view). I don't know what to say, but I wish you well. I watch MedCircle on youtube and some videos on ADHD. Sometimes that helps.
Just your message is extremely helpful. I feel alone and I know I am to blame for a lot of the reactions he gives but why is it so hard for people to see the issues you have ? But I’m stupid for saying this because I know it’s because of the pain and disappointment I have caused.
But how do you help someone your own way without sitting with them to understand them . I need to work out all of these thoughts and find the truth. So I can move forward from fight or flight or whatever I am I .
Thank you for sharing. Although I don’t feel this with my partner, you spoke to my core. I feel this way with my last supervisor, who said I am always deflecting. I am just reacting emotionally. I can tell from what you wrote that your response is more flight and silence, while mine is outward. You seem to come across as unemotional, but mine is overly-emotional. I hate that I feel this way too. It’s hard to react appropriately when wrong, especially if we weren’t taught those skills growing up.
What you wrote almost feels like a poem. Maybe writing something like this and giving it to the person you want to understand you would be a good idea. If youre scared of their reaction, do it when they arent around you (send in the mail or text it). You can even consider this post a draft if you like, since it could be seen as a start. It might even trick your brain in a good way. I have learned doing things that could be an argument is easier through text because you cant interrupt each other or feel like each other are trying to overpower the other. This strategy helped me with my ex.
I have recently started DBT, and it is helping me control my emotions and it should help me with communication as well.
When I text and don’t speak in person he says I am a keyboards warrior and a coward because I run away when it comes to talking in person .he says it shows how fake I really am.
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