How to properly say i am sorry? and how to follow through as an adhd person who can never get started on anything?
How not to stay silent and not look like a victim because you are staying quiet?
How to convey that hey i hear you and even though i am playing it cool I'm truly stressing and although i may not bring the topic up because of the anxiety i feel from thinking that bring up this topic will cause WW3 i fantasize of having a nice conversation with you and move forward with change in place and with us staying together while we work this issue out.
i think of everything everyday and most of the time even though you tell me how to start, i'm still stuck at START not because i don't love you or care but because i am paralyzed
yes i am not paralyzed if i see time is ticking closer and my sense of urgency now is on 100 but it doesn't mean it's because i am a selfish person that wants to fake that i care.
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Chrysalis3
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Hello Chrysalis3,May I suggest you show them your post? Maybe communication via the written word is best for now.
I have had clients turn their relationships around with a simple note explaining that they are working on things and that they love their partner very much.
It is a way to let them in and you get to say everything you want to say without getting distracted. And they get to "hear" you without being interrupted.
You have a good heart, show them how much you care. Find support to learn tools for procrastination and task initiation and to off load all the bad messages you believe about yourself.
You deserve all the good the world has to offer, you are worthy of being loved and accepted just as you are.
The other day he took my journal right in front of me and was like what is this? i said a journal and he took it read it (without permission) and came back and said You really think you are a victim, don't you. Even in writing my words get twisted.
This person has known me for a long time and has known all my ugly. I am not innocent of pain i have caused. All he see's is my actions. If I stay quiet after he talks, "there you go in victim mode" "when you stop being a victim over there" He doesn't see the freaking out n the inside and when i say something about it he says it bs because when it comes to other situations i am quickness's to open my mouth.
Earlier we had a blown out fight and i apologized for what i did for the 100 million time and he was like what if i did something to you that was very unpleasant and deeply hurt you and imagine me coming to say im sorry and that's it! I don't know what else to say when again if i just start talking and don't apologize then i am also being rude and disrespectful.
I can't focus on anything and all he see's is how i have been sitting here. but i literally pace back and for the from the stress and anxiety about what to start. My job, home, child and husband have deadlines for me everyday and they are all important. breathing feels painful literally
To open my mouth and discuss what i will make for dinner makes my intestines squirm from the stress of it not being considered god enough and look he is right i could do better but right now this is all i could give considering the circumstances, mental state. im so uneasy i just want to go to sleep.
Chryssalis3,That sounds awful. I'm sorry you are in that space right now. Your system is stuck in hyper fight or flight mode. Until you feel safe that is difficult to change.
Are you able to work with a therapist? I get the sense there is trauma that needs processing.
Psychologytoday.com is great and you can search by specialty like Trauma informed. Or betterhelp.com which is all virtual and can be more budget friendly.
Be proud of yourself for posting here, that took courage. You are brave. I recommend you take your courage and find the support you need, one on one therapy, from what you've shared, sounds like the best fit.
I feel for you so much. I know what you're going through...not everything and not exactly, but I do know. Dealing with ADHD is bad enough even under the best circumstances. but having any kind of relationship is nearly impossible for me (from my point of view). I don't know what to say, but I wish you well. I watch MedCircle on youtube and some videos on ADHD. Sometimes that helps.
Just your message is extremely helpful. I feel alone and I know I am to blame for a lot of the reactions he gives but why is it so hard for people to see the issues you have ? But I’m stupid for saying this because I know it’s because of the pain and disappointment I have caused.
But how do you help someone your own way without sitting with them to understand them . I need to work out all of these thoughts and find the truth. So I can move forward from fight or flight or whatever I am I .
Thank you for sharing. Although I don’t feel this with my partner, you spoke to my core. I feel this way with my last supervisor, who said I am always deflecting. I am just reacting emotionally. I can tell from what you wrote that your response is more flight and silence, while mine is outward. You seem to come across as unemotional, but mine is overly-emotional. I hate that I feel this way too. It’s hard to react appropriately when wrong, especially if we weren’t taught those skills growing up.
What you wrote almost feels like a poem. Maybe writing something like this and giving it to the person you want to understand you would be a good idea. If youre scared of their reaction, do it when they arent around you (send in the mail or text it). You can even consider this post a draft if you like, since it could be seen as a start. It might even trick your brain in a good way. I have learned doing things that could be an argument is easier through text because you cant interrupt each other or feel like each other are trying to overpower the other. This strategy helped me with my ex.
I have recently started DBT, and it is helping me control my emotions and it should help me with communication as well.
When I text and don’t speak in person he says I am a keyboards warrior and a coward because I run away when it comes to talking in person .he says it shows how fake I really am.
That’s messed up. I hate that he is definitely being narcissistic and gaslighting you. Please tell me you aren’t still with him. If you are, you need to leave if possible. Your kid does not need to see their parents acting like this and think it’s normal.
This is 100% NOT on you. Let me say that again - because this is incredibly important - this is NOT on you. This is NOT about your failure to communicate.
I honestly apologize if what I'm about to say makes you feel defensive or angry, it's absolutely not intended to, but I've lived this life and you deserve SO much better! Forgive me for being so blunt here, but I desperately needed to hear this at one point in my life and I think maybe you do too.
It's one thing to do something you need to say I'm sorry for, but I read through all of your comments in here before I answered and quite frankly your guy is an ass. You could do better with dinner? Are you freaking kidding me? If he's so unhappy with your efforts in making food FOR HIM, then let his ass cook his own meals. He's big boy.
What more does he expect of you after you've apologized? Healthy people don't require their partners to squirm, prostrate themselves on the ground, give themselves 50 lashes, and atone for their transgressions because they did something the partner didn't like. Neither do they constantly criticize that you "can do better". And he can't? Neither do they create the kind of environment where your stomach clenches at the idea of telling them what you're making for dinner for fear of the response. That's abusive, to be blunt.
A true partner recognizes that not only are you HUMAN for eff's sake, you have ADHD. A good partner has compassion, because they've taken the time to understand who YOU are (not who they expect you to be), LOVE you for who you are - exactly as you are - and they care about the fact that you have hurdles in front of you that most people don't. They don't take every opportunity they can to make you feel worse about yourself.
His question to you: "What if I did something to you that was very unpleasant and deeply hurt you and imagine me coming to say I'm sorry and that's it." First of all, what else does he expect you to do? And let me point out that he DID do something deeply unpleasant and deeply hurtful - he arrogantly and without ANY respect - took your journal out of your hands and thought he had the right to read your innermost feelings. Are you kidding me? That is a serious violation of your privacy, and it's the kind of move an emotional abuser would make.
You did not bungle it in words in your journal. Your guy is beating you down emotionally on purpose. After all of your heart that you poured into that journal, all he walks away with is you really think you're a victim? He had no compassion for how deeply you were feeling and what you were feeling? He's keeping you pushed down so that he always has the upper hand. This is so very unhealthy.
After all you've written, it sounds like he likes to keep you kind of emotionally beat down and feeling like you're failing HIM all the time - so there's always a sense that you owe him something. Quite frankly, he's failing you on a massive scale.
I lived in that kind of relationship for years. My self-esteem was non-existent because he continuously pointed out anything he deemed "wrong" that I did, said, thought. And it was a LOT. I - like you are - internalized all of that, essentially agreeing with him. Where is the encouragement? Where is the help? I FINALLY got out after he wrapped his hands around my throat one day and left bruises that I had to hide from everyone. It was the first and only time he laid hands on me, I ultimately left after that, because thankfully, someone sat me down and pointed out how abusive his behavior was. I didn't recognize that fact in the moment because he had me so emotionally beat down.
Please, if it's at all possible, meet with a therapist. This is not a healthy, constructive, or loving relationship from everything you've described. You are valuable, you are lovable, you are WONDERFUL exactly as you are RIGHT NOW. Not after you correct all the so called "failings" that your partner seems to like to draw attention to. If your partner doesn't recognize all of that and treat you with love, compassion, and patience, then he's not a true partner. You need to hear from someone who is truly "removed" from the situation so that you're getting an unbiased view of what's going on. A therapist can provide that for you.
I'll say it one last time because it's so important. You deserve SO much better from a partner.
I wish I could take all that you are saying and then feel good and say you’re right.
I’m haunted by the wrong that I’ve done because I have not been a saint and I know I could try harder. That being said the line between I’m wrong , have trouble and out right accusation that I don’t give a crap because im not taking action is what has been so confused.
I don’t want to belittle his frustration and again I’m not a saint. Yes I need to work on a lot of things and because I’m an adult with a spouse and kid- responsibilities which I full and well decided to take on however, my battle is that I’m not this monster that he sees.
I mean I get it if you steal you’re a thief , if you lie you’re a liar but at what point do we look at the source ? And whose problem is that anyway? The law doesn’t look at reason if you kill you pay, if your steal you pay, and deal with the consequences BUT where is that line where both parties come in, hear eachother side and work through the problem.
Not call me a master manipulator, a deceitful, conniving , narcissistic,arrogant fool.
Yes if I had all my ish together this wouldn’t even be an a conversation . I would even be in the forum. I would be living the life and have a great marriage but right now we are two rocks banging into eachother
Being haunted by the "wrong that we've done" is so very common for us as ADHDers. I feel that SO deeply. It usually stems from a lifetime of being told we're doing ish wrong all the time, we're "too much", too this or too that - combined with the natural RSD that we tend to have. It's caused us to become so self-conscious of everything we do wrong and it haunts us because it's always been pointed out to us - so we end up feeling like that's all anyone sees of us. I don't know about you, but I got a lot of flack all my life for all the "wrong" things I've done, but not a whole lot of pointing out what I did right as I was growing up - undiagnosed.
We ALL do ish wrong. If your partner can't forgive you, why does he stay? He certainly can't say he hasn't done anything wrong in the relationship. We're human. We eff up. If he truly thinks you are all those things you've listed, "a master manipulator, a deceitful, conniving , narcissistic, arrogant fool" - then again, why is he with you? Just because you've (understandably - you're human) had failings doesn't justify his actions. It just doesn't. It most certainly does not mean you deserve to be treated that way. I just want you to hear someone tell you that. You don't deserve it - I don't care how terrible you've been. If it's been that bad, then he should've left - not taken the opportunity to hurt you in return.
Mostly, I'm just sorry that this is what's going on for you. I could just feel you pain in your words. In spite of wrongs, in spite of eff ups, in spite of saying and/or doing things that are unkind, WHATEVER you might do, you still deserve to be treated with love and respect. Any issues he has with you shouldn't be taken out ON you. He should talk it through with you, but he would have to bring respect for you to the table for that to be effective and it doesn't seem like he shows you a lot of that from what you've written. I do realize, however, that this is a massively limited view into the whole of your relationship.
He may be a great guy some of the time - I don't mean to say he's a terrible person (how could I know?). The behavior is toxic, but people who behave like that have their own history that brought it about, however, it does sound like he could really stand to learn some alternative communication skills, if he's willing. Maybe you both do, I don't know. Lord knows I have needed help with that over the years - more times than I can count. You'll notice I didn't try to encourage you to leave, and that's because I DON'T know the whole of your relationship. I just know that no matter how flawed you may be or how many things you've done wrong, you are deserving of love and respect. You are WORTHY of love and respect.
Have y'all ever talked about couples counseling? Would he be open to that? Couples counseling has quite literally saved my marriage 3 times over the 15 years we've been married. Having that neutral 3rd party included in the conversation can be massively beneficial. Just a thought.
I got kicked out of our home by him today because he’s fed up with my lack of “caring”
I am in my car in a parking lot. Left with bra in hand and begged to get my phone and any other electronics I could grab. I appreciate your perspective, yes you can only comment on what I share from my side.
Here are some messages he has sent me. If I told you what has happened just in the last 24 hours. You will see how everyday I bring drama and pain. He stays because I beg and I’m the dumb ass that doesn’t change …I’ve lost contact with what makes sense and what doesn’t. With what is true and what I’m making up in my head. I think I’m going crazy or maybe I am crazy and I just never had anyone point it out to me. Maybe my perception of reality is wrong. What I feel and believe is warped. And there is no one out there to tell you because no one lives in your head or could get into it. I’m screwed.
“I’m not sure how I will ever forgive you not only for all the things you have done to me but all the things you have done to this little girl. The time you have deprived her and the parenting you refused for us to give. No human being can be this evil
While parents are doing things for their kids…creating joyful memories as precious time is passing. This is a typical day, a typical week, a typical month, a typical year with you. As we create a traumatic childhood for this innocent lovely girl.”
That's a brilliant post and you talk so much sense. When I was younger I remember my Dad sat me down and basically told me the 101 to being a man with rule 1 being never lay a finger on a woman, no matter what, a proper man would never do such a thing. It stuck with me, though I went a step further because I could see my Dad as being very controlling of my Mum by putting her off her friends and trying to drag her away from her family. He's even jealous of the fact I am so close to my Mum because I actually listen to her, which he doesn't , but it's also because his own Mother neglected him for his 3 sisters and he was emotionally starved of any affection from his Mum.
I also see alot of what you say as the way my now ex partner is to me, trying to blame me for everything and saying it was all my fault. I even realise now that after all the time we were together, after we made love I would tell her I loved her and she would never say it back to me, or she would say 'Do you really'? I'm someone who needs an emotional bond and to feel emotionally engaged and loved in a relationship and she did not give that.
Her late Mother didn't get along with her Dad. Everyone said how she poked and prodded him to get a reaction. Multiple times he apparently tried to strangle her - literally! Just a few months before she went in to hospital with what turned out to be ovarian cancer that had spread to her stomach, intestines and even her lymph nodes, coupled with onset dementia, my ex's Dad left the house one day as her Mum had provoked hom to the point he grabbed her throat to strangle her. So we rushed there to go and see...her Dad and take him a McDonald's meal, as he'd driven out to the country to try and clear his head. Her whole family believed he was the victim and I was the only one who believed the Mum was. The family all love and admire the Dad, whereas I see a bored, detached, uninterested (and uninteresting) man who physically abused his partner of nearly 50 years repeatedly.
Anyway, what you said definitely rings true and is a very valid point. He should never have read that journal - he had no right. That was a crossed boundary that should have been maintained.
I’ve tried to respond twice…all I could do is laugh at this point because I’m already crying.
I’m sorry that you, your family and your ex partner’s family has had to experience the parts of darkness life offers.
Reading you message and working through my issues made me think that we are all human and we have a communication code much like DNA. This code is how we take in and spit out information. It may not be to the standard of what successful/appropriate communication looks like but it’s the way we communicate. I think understanding that in each person allows for growth and then allows healing and change.
Expecting people to just go by the standard and just handle what they gotta handle and show up ready to be the best you can be is ridiculous.
But the two people have to be willing to take that journey and not resistant. I’m not saying in the beginning of breaking the walls down and coming to this realization won’t be without some scares but man I would take all the scares just to be heard , understood and validated.
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