Hi there,My 6 year old is recently diagnosed with ADHD after a year old erratic, abusive behavior. He abuses me, his siblings, his teacher and his para. He swears constantly, calls me names, hits, kicks, bites, spits, throws and breaks things. His father and I seperated a year ago which really causes a uptick in his behavior but he doesn't act this way with his father and I have no idea why. He has seriously injured me, and has tried to harm his other siblings who are both nonverbal autistic and verbally abuses his older sister. He has made our home a terrifying place to be. Even though he small he inflicts some serious abuse and we are all on eggshells waiting for his next meltdown.
He shows empathy after he calms down, apologizes, and communicates well, but it is like there is no way to stop him when he starts.
I feel so alone since his father is no supportive and tells me I don't do enough, but nothing I do works. I am waiting for his doctor to prescribe his medication but I am so exhausted physically and emotionally and am constantly in fear around him that it is becoming traumatic for me and his siblings. I try to stay calm and I always let him know he is loved no matter what, but I am so burnt out. I love my son so much but I am so sick of being abused physically and verbally.
Any support or advice would be so helpful.
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WhimsicalWilderness
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You need to get counseling on how to deal with your feelings and him. It would probably be a good idea for the other children as well. He needs counseling in addition to medication
You definitely have your hands full, and then some! I second what BlessedLady said...you both can benefit from counseling.
Having siblings with autism, your son with ADHD might also be on the autistic spectrum. Both ADHD and autism can make it difficult for a child to manage their emotions.
With you and your son's father being separated, I'm sure that it adds a lot to his emotional struggles.
He might behave better for his dad just but being the same gender. I looked up to my dad, and a lot of boys do. (But I respected my mom. I was wired to be passive as a kid.)
Kids with ADHD are considered to be up to three years developmentally behind in certain ways. They may be intellectually normal, or even precocious, but their social skills and emotional regulation capabilities can be well behind what most people would expect. That means a six year old might sometimes have the emotional volatility of a three year old.
Many kids with ADHD are helped by behavioral therapy. Keep in mind that the need for it may be ongoing for years, even with medication.
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It's much easier to parent one or two kids at a time than four, especially when some of the kids have special needs.
I'm a father of 4 kids, but mine are spread out. (My eldest child is now 29, second child is 21, third is almost 11, and youngest is 8. All 4 have the same mother. Eldest is my step-daughter, but I raised her from the time she was 7.) With such large gaps, I only had 1, 2 or 3 kids in the household at a time, and none with autism, though I think all have ADHD (ranging mild to moderate), though none of them have been diagnosed (yet).
In education we believe all behavior is communication. Especially if he doesn’t exhibit this behavior with others and/or father, for some reason perhaps at some point he had an experience that suggested these behaviors generate the outcome he desires. Your situation is certainly extra complicated given the dynamics with his dad. I agree with those before me suggesting therapy for you and all family members, and most certainly the child at the heart of the concern. Whoever gave him the diagnosis, are they qualified to give it, or is it a well-meaning but misguided pediatrician? Without specializing in or having adequate experience and ongoing professional development in this field that is ever evolving, childhood ADHD can be misdiagnosed easily? I recommend additional consult with a reputable child diagnostician in mental health to explore if the child’s diagnosis is correct/adequate, while simultaneously supporting all family members. I also recommend you consider parenting classes and literature like The Whole-Brain Child. Anything that informs you how to interpret child’s behaviors in ways that support you both.
I love your reply LVinCali. Yes, a child psychiatrist and a child psychologist for proper diagnostics and a treatment plan or other ideas if they think he is reacting. Also consulting with educational professionals who give extremely valuable input and are interested in child development and like children. I'd think, all or part of this would be the way forward. I completely feel for you. And your kids including the little rascal. If I lived close I'd take him for an activity. I love young boys having been a tomboy with two younger brothers. And perhaps get him enrolled in a group or contact sport away from the family. A football team perhaps or whatever he takes to. Visit a kids match with him and see if he reacts positively. Or ask his dad to do that with him. It's great to read that he has empathy. Do you have a pet? Perhaps try to find out if there's a way he could like something to look after. Doesn't have to be a pet. But helping to look after one. Perhaps a neighbour's or in an animal sanctuary or zoo. Horseriding. Sorry if any of my suggestions sound bizarre. They are just ideas and I'm inputting my adult cognition as well as my own childhood experiences of our family, my youngest brother back then similarly challenging. And observations I've made over many years being interested in child development myself and having that very soft spot for kids who act out. Have a serious word with his dad who may default to reinforcing your son's behaviour due to understandable, but ill-advised vanity. Use friends as much as you can to entertain your son and give yourself respite, and perhaps a male friend who can commit to a regular activity so he has a role model he can learn to associate with you. Or speak with an experienced football coach etc etc If not getting a partner for yourself of course. Only if you feel like it of course. Sorry again. No offense. Best of luck and keep posting how you're getting on!!!
Hi there, thank you for the replies everyone! I should have mentioned that he is in therapy, unfortunately it doesn't seem like it is helping. He just returned home from the weekend with his dad and has already begun to scream, physically abuses me and call me names.
I don't know what to do about his swearing, verbal abuse and physical abuse. It is making our lives a living hell.
His Adderall seems to help a bit, he takes it twice a day. But anyone have suggestions on dealing with the excessive swearing?
Some people with ADHD also have Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) or DMDD (Disruptive Mood Dysregulation Disorder). The latter one I just read about on the CHADD Parent forum.
I don't think these other disorders are limited to people who have ADHD, and not everyone with ADHD experiences them, but there is a correlation between ADHD and ODD or DMDD. Another behavioral disorder that some children are affected by is known as Conduct Disorder.
(I believe in also previously mentioned Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, RSD.)
Here's a reference I found that might help, though this page was published in 2015, so undoubtedly something new has been learned since then.
Your son might also be reacting to his own anxiety or yours. (Children can be very perceptive, but not always consciously so. Or, sometimes, they can choose to "take a side" be one parent and another.)
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