I was so pleased for him that he finally had answers as to why he does things a certain way and such. The problem in having is coping with the way he answers questions.
I find he gets very confused easily and will sometimes over explain a situation, or under explain it. Or the worst one is he'll almost disregard the question you ask him and jump in with a different answer to what would have come from a different question.
I've witnessed him do this with Drs and such so it's not just me. I'm trying desperately to be supportive for him and not get frustrated but it's quite difficult sometimes as I suffer with anxiety which I'm getting help for but it sometimes feels like has trying to mislead me in some way. The logical part of me is sure he isn't and this is just part of his condition but other times the anxiety takes over.
I really want to be there for him but I'm just trying to find out if anyone else has this difficulty with their partners. Or if you yourself has ADHD if you find this a problem for yourself?
Any advice is really appreciated. X
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MrsBarker
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Hello I just want to let you know that you are not alone. I have a husband who I believe has ADHD as well as my son with ADHD and odd. I have anxiety also and it's very hard to deal with them at times. Unfortunately my husband has not went to get any help. This puts a lot of strain on the marriage. My anxiety I've had for 12 years I was unable to work . I just recently got a new job and it feels so good to get out of the house and be around people besides them I suffered with depression as well. The best advice I can give is to make sure you take care of yourself and do things that you enjoy.Many years I would worry about them and they could always depend on me but who did I have to lean on. That's great that he's getting help. I often wonder if my husband was to get help would it really change for a person who is use to doing certain things. The part that gets to me is organization skills they don't have. I do everything around the house from helping with homework cooking cleaning the list can go on. I definitely wish you best of luck. Do you have children and do they have ADHD? My apologies for being so long venting
I have Inattentive ADHD and my wife does not. I do all of the things you described that he does. I went to a group therapy class for CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). There I learned tools to better manage my adhd and how to communicate with the world around me. I feel for you as my wife has many of the same frustrations. I found it helpful to read books about adhd and marriage. “Is it me or adult adhd” by Gina Pera, and “The adhd effect on marriage” by Melissa Orlov were helpful. It’s good that he has a diagnosis, if he learns some tools to help him recognize when he is doing the things that bother you it can be helpful to the marriage. Developers systems of communication where you can let him know, without conflict, that he is acting a certain way. This helped with my wife and I. She says “You’re hyperfocusing again, you asked me to remind you when I saw you doing this.” We haven’t done it yet but it’s been recommended to me to go to couples therapy with a therapist that specializes in adhd. Good luck!
It really helps the both of us knowing that there's others out there going through the same.
To be honest as someone without ADHD it's really helpful to talk with someone apart from my Husband that does have ADHD. It helps to know he's not doing these things to spite or annoy me or to lie. He just can't explain things very well and gets easily confused.
Thank you so much for the response. I wanted to do this not just for my sake, but so I can learn how to make life easier for him also. As it must get equally frustrating for him.
I was diagnosed ADD inattentive, do all the things you described, sometimes we get stuck on a thought.... then our mind goes in a different direction..... I didn’t reed the books mentioned in the other response yet but there is a lot of information on sites.
Knowing what’s going on in his mind might make it easier for you, communicating between you both is paramount to continuing in a good relationship...
Thank you so much for the reply. As I mentioned above it's so helpful to find others out there.
I'm trying to convince my Husband to join support groups and forums as he's felt very isolated and alone since his diagnosis. I really think it would help him to talk with others in his position and see that there's loads of people facing the same daily struggles he is. X
I included Mr. because this is for his benefit also....
Knowing you are not alone in your struggle helps relieve a ton of stress.
This group is good and has many good people in it. I am old school.... I like rotary phones. And flip phones... I like talking on the phone more than texting.... point is until I actually sat in on a ADHD group meeting the stress was kinda there the aloneness.... once there and saw real live people with ADHD ADD.. I felt like a weight was lifted.... Stress & feeling alone were gone.... it helped me... maybe it will help you.... ? What’s there to loose? A little time maybe? Doesn’t cost anything to go and listen.
I am far from being an expert, but I am always willing to share what worked and didn’t work for me personally.
Please look me up. I have written a lot which I hope will help you understand you are not alone. I have my struggles but his struggles are much greater.
... and I have been writing looking for help. A lot of folks have reached out and I appreciate each and every one who responded and honestly, my heart breaks for those who have lived their life in isolation. Hugs to those who work hard to maintain relationships and live fulfilled lives.
I too never had children but he has grown children. We have been married two years but I have seen changes in his behavior and genuinely believe it is the medication but he refuses to stay on his regiment. I love my husband but there are some days I can't focus on my day due to stress. Being in a relationship with someone with ADHD is demanding but I was ocay with it in the beginning maybe because he was managing it but as we have slipped into a comfortable lifestyle, his guard is off but there again I do not want to appear heartless. Stress is a big trigger; bumps in the road and trying to stay ahead of the demand of his business I noticed his demeanor has changed. We have been in counseling and we were working together but he stopped talking to the counselor. He is impatient, angers quickly which he did not before, excessive clumsiness and being more disorientated. This change I do blame on the medicine not him because this more extreme behavior is out of character. If a little pill would help him, I would support it but too much medication is turning him into someone I do not know anymore. He was not like this before. He finally admitted in the last few months he started self medicating not following the medication prescribed and the bad eating habits returned. To him, he refutes any problems exist. To add to the chaos, he's diabetic and responds "you do not know how it is". No I do not know how he feels. He tells me it is like something is crawling all over him until he satisfies his craving. I have ask him to talk to his doctor but he does not follow through so the vicious cycle continues. I read the response from Shamglo8 and I have often wondered if someone in his life ever cared enough to get him the help he needed earlier in life. At 68 I do not see his learned behavior/surviving mode changing. I have tried to get him help by printing comments from this forum so he would understand we are in this together. At the present, he is convinced I criticize his every move which he blames me and pops another anxiety pill...
I am here if you need to ask questions or any help I can offer.
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. It's nice knowing we are not alone in this and that other people understand the struggle and how hard it is. Xx
hi mrsBarker. My husband has ADD, he doesn't get confused, but he definitely will answer questions incorrectly. For a long time I thought it was a deliberate evasion, but came to understand that he wasn't aware that he was answering incorrectly. So now when I ask him a question and he doesn't actually answer what I ask, I will reply, "ok, great - but that isn't actually what I asked you" and then I will restate my question a little differently. This has worked well.
I noticed it only happens with verbal communication so perhaps it has something to do with his cognitive processing of speech.
Thank you so much. This has really helped us. We had a chat a few nights ago. I asked him a question and he sort of gave an unrelated answer. I told him I didn't ask that question and it was like his brain kicked into a different gear and switched on a bit more. Thank you, thank you, thank you! XX
Hi Mrs barker
I'm a husband 62 with add what you describe is a carbon copy of me I love my wife as do you hubbi you we get so confused I'm now on elvanse seems to help
I think I feel partly guilty because before his diagnosis he honestly thought he was forgetful and he used to refer to himself as a bit slow and stupid. I pushed for a diagnosis as I thought it would help him to understand himself a bit more and would hopefully help his confidence. But at the moment he just seems to feel very isolated so I'm trying to encourage him to join support groups and forums. I really think it would help him to talk to people with ADD and see that he's not alone in this at all.
Hang in there. I do what he does as well and recognizing it embarrasses me and frustrates me. I learned that I need to have them repeat what they said sometimes a few times for me and then I need to say so what you asking or saying to me is... I do this especially at work a lot all the time almost. I just got so many different thoughts going on in my head and I when someone speaks to me I usually didn’t hear them I feel like they out of nowhere speak to me about something and they spoke really fast and I don’t know what they’re talking about. It also helps when someone want to talk to me to get me attention first by saying my name and then I will look at them when I have eye contact with them I’m ready to listen also when if they can give me an introduction like explain what they want to talk to me about that helps me too. You should ask him if he’s aware of what he does and how he feel. What does he think?
Hello there. I just saw your post tonight. My husband has ADHD and is 67 yo. We have only been married 8 years. We have no children together but he has two adult children.
My husband does exactly what you talk about. He either gives me an encyclopedic answer, or an answer that doesn’t answer the question. You are not alone. I also feel and have felt strongly at first, it was purposeful. Either lying or dismissing or lazy or wanting me to be irritated. Now I have convinced him to be on meds he tries better.
But not all the time. And it is a struggle to get answers from him every day. At least I no longer believe the worst. If I get his attention first and also if I relay the topic first ....I may (mostly not after only one time maybe after two at best) get an answe that is short and accurate. We have gone back and forth on this issue so often it is nauseating. We both have become tired of the struggles. He has more Hope than I so. I need time away more than he does. But it can’t be for too long or other things go wrong. I notice if he is left
To his own for days he occupies himself with other interests and when I am available he seems to not want to engage. As though I’ve been replaced. Lol. I must say ... it often feels I am married to a machine or someone who is programmed. I feel bad for us both.
I hope this helps somehow. We are currently in a bad time (3 days)...I appear to be the only one affected. As usual.
😢 I know exactly what this is like because unfortunately it’s how I behave so often. It’s horrible.
Please know that our ADHD “brain” (not us or our intentions) if unmedicated our brain can allow our feelings and behaviors to bounce between boredom, empty high energy, anxiety, hyper-focus. If nothing else fits, it feels shame or guilt and will latch on to a feeling of depression. All of which can change instantly. Hence the “situational” piece of ADHD.
I’m going to list a few thoughts that you can see if they apply.
(I think this happens to me mostly when...)
- Caught off guard & not on a proper dose for that moment/situation.
- Not super focused or engaged (doing something I’m wanting to do) when I’m asked a question so my motormouth figures they are listening ... keep on talking! (Innocently-Clueless)
- I’m in the spotlight & my subconscious realizes I’m unprepared, so it brews up a bunch of nervous energy that expresses itself as babbling on and on.
It helps to...
- At home have earphones for listening to something engaging... this way someone won’t be tempted interrupt me and if they do, I won’t want to go on and on because I’m wanting to get back to my music or audiobook.
I forgot to mention the clumsiness! That’s usually the first sign for me and my son that we forgot to take our meds!
Today I went to empty the vacuum canister in the trash and for some reason took it upstairs with me. The trash is downstairs and I was vacuuming downstairs. I walked off and started playing a video game. 2 hours later I finished what I started but I didn’t clean one side of the room. It’s best to use outside cues to help us with our thoughts and activities. Or else I’d be half way to Russia on a train in a daydream.
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