I'm here because my partner has ADHD and addiction problems and I'm being severely abused verbally, my house has been violently smashed to pieces so many times, I have been physically harmed and when I try to leave he gets more violent and confiscates my keys, breaks my stuff etc Then the next day after an episode I'm expected to just be OK when he apologizes, if I'm not I'm threatened with more violence and verbally abused for hours, he just follows me and doesn't stop.
I'm beginning to wonder if he isn't just a narcissist or something. This is extreme and I'm always blamed for his behavior towards me needing to walk on eggshells all the time because I never know what will set him off.
He is on 3 different types of meds for his ADHD and even though we have gone to another psychiatrist to change his meds, ge refuses to listen to the Dr to change his diet go to rehab for his addictions, which the Dr says is making his condition worse. He us supposed to work with the Dr on all his anger triggers etc and he just keeps canceling and rescheduling his appointments.
Then this man can also be the nicest mist loving human you' ve ever met in your life
Anyone else have a husband or boyfriend like this and can offer some advice please on how to cope and what to do. I have started having health issues from all the stress.People with ADHD are also welcome to respond and help me understand or give some help please
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TT1973
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No I'm sorry that's just abuse. He may be narcissistic I'm not a trained professional as I can't make any decisions on that. However my adhd and addiction issues definitely sound like the back and forth love/can't stand you thing he has going on. However I would leave when I was like that. O can't see an adhd person following you around all day to keep the fire of emotions going, from what o know we can't fucking stand treating people like shit or keeping emotions in a hyper state. No there's more to it and u might want to leave before physical violence occurs.
Hi I am a therapist, and I have to agree that there is more here. Your safety is paramount. You cannot help him by staying in the abuse. Get out quickly. Get professional help. And then work towards any other goal with proper guidance and support.
I hardly know what to say, "I am sorry for your situation" falls flat on it's face. Your situation being "extreme" is an understatement! It is way beyond. I have anger issues, some. And (no formal diagnosis) ADHD. I know for me, it is more a matter of decided self control. I had an out of control episode just tonight and I am so embarrassed about my behavior (thankfully the only known witness to my outburst was my dog). A friend noted once that she has never seen me get angry apart from my boundaries being crossed. She is spot on. I don't know how to hold boundaries. Something I am seeking help for. Another thing that can bring on an "episode of unreasonable" is false accusations, being misunderstood, frustration in not being able to communicate in a way that I am understood, not feeling heard, and justice issues, all going back to Justice Sensitivity. All those aspects of Justice Sensitivity are MAJOR triggers for me to wind up in an "episode of unreasonable." But they are NO EXCUSE FOR BAD BEHAVIOR! I must consciously choose to remain objective and sometimes I have to choose to walk away from the trigger. I didn't figure out until sometime in my mid twenties (even though, looking back, my mom desperately tried to teach me this when I was young) that no matter what anyone else does or says, I am responsible for my actions and reactions. I have never been on medication for ADHD or anything else but I found out early on that physical exercise is the best thing to get me back on track, keep me on track and help my brain process. For me, nothing anyone says or does will necessarily help until "it clicks" in my mind and I have an epiphany moment. Usually that takes multiple people saying the same thing in different ways over time for it to sink in and one day I figure it out. But the person also has to want to improve, grow, and figure it out. I hope you have a good counselor, a solid church family and a prayer connection with God to carry you through! You deserve better than what he is dishing out and I pray that you can find a safe way out. I hope something I have shared will help, I am sorry I don't have anything more solid to share. Sometimes the YWCA has advocates who might have some resources... And I will be praying for you.
I had undiagnosed adhd when I was with my ex husband for ten years. Although he wasn’t physical until the end, your description triggered me and my experience a bit, so I know there were commonalities.
It sucks that I had to leave him to realize he needed to change, but things are better now for the both of us without the other.
If he has good times, would it be safe to talk to him in one of those times to say you love him but give him a date to be in rehab or you need to leave? My ex did realize his addictions and begged to get help, but after 3 sessions he stopped and a year later he hadn’t gone back. That’s when I left.
If not, Is it possible to plan a time when he’s gone (at work or out drinking) for people to come by and take your things out quickly and maybe let you couch hop to be safe? Things won’t get better unless he gets help. You will always love him, but you can’t love yourself unless he either gets better or you leave him.
I was married to an alcoholic man who was abusive like that. He did not have ADHD (my daughters and I do), but he was a narcissistic abuser. It was mostly psychological abuse —which can be just as damaging and even longer lasting than physical— but there were times he did get physical. And he would “forget” the next day and expect everyone act as though nothing happened.
He only went to one Alcoholics Anonymous meeting and decided to never return because “they were all losers”. That was VERY disappointing to me because I really hoped AA would help
If you don’t have children with him, you are lucky. Get the hell out while you can.
A police officer told me that abusers rarely ever get better; that violence only increases until something irreversible happens to the abuser or the one abused… or both. He was right. I divorced my ex after he body-slammed me in front of our teenage daughters.
Five years later, he committed suicide. At least he didn’t kill anyone else in the process.
Leave now and don’t look back. Save yourself. You are worth it. I wasted 18 years of my life.
I'm only going to say from experiencing it my self (the moody one)..I can be very up and down and can be a little emotionally abusive ill hold my hands up to that, although i do so without knowledge, we talk it through after we have been together 21yrs...I don't smash my house up (maybe a plate if I'm going through burnout) I've worked too hard for it....I have never been nor intend to be physically abusive ever!!!Jekyll and Hyde is what my wife and mother in law( who actually loves me) because I can be the most loving caring person to just an out right asshole...I've been diagnosed for 4yrs now (36yrs old at the time) and I've only been on the learning path a couple months and it's really made my thought patterns change as I now know what signs/triggers are happening before it's to late...I'm getting so much better...only because I'm putting the work in to it...ADHD has ruined so much of my life..
But there's always room for improvement...if the ADHDer wants to work on it..
Has he come to terms with the whole adhd thing? Is he masking do you think? If so it'll just be a cycle of burnout,recovery,burnout,recovery and so on...
When it comes to these sort of things there is normally a much bigger picture...but following you around 🤔 that's not normal...I have severe ADHD my symptoms are litrally constant and masking just doesn't help the =meltdown...I will kick out by shouting.. my last burnout I litrally laid on the bed whilst I was kicking off...this may sound bad, but my wife is so supportive to me especially now she is understanding ADHD with me...she never expects an apology from me anymore when I'm burning out (this excludes other arguments not related to my ADHD)...reason for that is 1 I don't believe constant apologise mean anything. Apologising is just for self satisfaction and 2 because I'm sat with so much guilt my wife knows I'm punishing myself enough...
Have you looked in to maladaptive coping strategies....this could shed a little light on things and what (COULD) be buzzing around in his head...
If he's hard to talk to like myself make an agreement to text when not with each other so there's not abuse and your be able to get your point across...of course this won't help if when you see him it's all going to kick off....there's seem a bit of emotional dysregulation is going on here...
Does he kick off when you raise an issue with him ie the addiction?? If so then he could also be suffering from. Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria...No, physical abuse is unacceptable...21 yrs I've never raised my hand to my wife... my adhd gives her enough shit as it is lol.
Hope some of this helps even if only a little bit..
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