Struggling to let go

[Yellowsunrise]

Hey everyone 👋 I just needed to see if this is "normal" or i may need to seek external help.

I got broken up with about a month ago, due to communication issues and misunderstandings and it really was a surprise to me and everyone we knew. It happened while i was going through an incredibly tough time and i was not aware he had already started checking out the relationship way before then. He had been acting completely fine and happy when we were together.

I said we should go no-contact and we both agreed to it.

3 weeks into no contact, and I have been completely unable to stop thinking about everything i did/didn't do in the relationship, the possibility of him completely choosing to move on, because of the blame i put on myself for how things turned out. I feel an incredible emptiness and sadness in everything i do. I dont know if i really just want him back or to just forget him and move on.

I'm aware that thinking this way is no help towards my healing but i really did love him and understand why he made that decision in hindsight.

I just dont know what to do at all. I wake up, go to sleep thinking about the same things over and over. Its like a plague. I really want to know if there's a way i can cope better than this, because ive tried meditating, breathing exercises, journaling and nothing seems to work.

Any feedback would be appreciated :,)

[Reformschooldropout]

Argh, this is a horrible situation that I can relate to so much! I don't know how 'normal' it is, but I also struggle with letting go of relationships, more than most people seem to do. I think ADHD + anxiety definitely creates a hot mess of swirling obsessive thoughts, fears, desperation to understand etc... I have been there many times.

However I would say 3 weeks isn't at ALL long to be out of a relationship, especially if you didn't see it coming. Healing does take time whoever you are. The coping methods that you've been using are good, but they aren't going to give a quick fix... And you said you were already dealing with a tough time, so it's going to hit particularly hard.

Oh and also, if you're tempted to break the no contact and get back in touch, you will struggle loads more and loads longer to get over it... From my own negative experience!

Sorry, I don't have any solutions, but lots of sympathy. All I would say is don't beat yourself up for struggling to move on as well as all the other stuff you're worrying about, try to give yourself some compassion!

[Yellowsunrise in reply to Reformschooldropout]

Thank you so much for the kind words!

I wish there was a relationship playbook for people with ADHD😭 It's already so difficult having to find our own way through the world.

Im trying my best to use the law of detachment to move on. I can't help but want to break no contact, but i know better than to sacrifice my self-respect for that.

I'll try to focus on self-compassion for now. Blaming myself and guilt only delays the healing process.

[wtfadhd]

awe, im sorry. unrequited love is such an awful feeling.

try not to ruminate n circle the drain dissecting the “ whys” . you can do all that later when its not so fresh and hurtful.

allowing yourself to think about the relationship is practicing the problem n that never leads to a solution even though us humans like to think it will. its equivalent to grocery shopping when hungry.

distract yourself with the hobbies n life activities that will help u heal n rebuild yourself outside that relationship

❤️❤️❤️❤️

[Yellowsunrise in reply to wtfadhd]

This describes it perfectly omg. Im trying to restart hobbies i love but my word the executive dysfunction 😭 I'll try to incorporate it into my routine

Thank you for your input! Its actually nice to hear i'm not alone❤️❤️❤️

[Carolinepink]

break up are difficult for everyone. However, one of the most impairing symptoms, but the least addressed, is Rejection Sensitivity Dysmorphia. This makes any rejection amplified and affects a person’s ability to regulate their emotions in a healthy manner.

Also, with ADD relations are more difficult due to impulsity and communication issues. So , you have the added guilt knowing that your behavior may of added to the difficulties in your relationship( or not.) I recommend that you find a professional that specializes in ADD- not just a generalized therapist. This is not a general break up issue - you need some educated in this area. Also, there are many good books to help you understand yourself and then you can explain your challenges to a new partner- who hopefully will be more understanding, Dr Russel Barkley and Dr. Thomas Brown both have several good books. However, you shouldn’t feel as if asking for external help is a weakness, it’s a sign of being self aware and taking positive steps to make your life better in the future. Wishing you more happiness in the future, you’re on the right track.

[Yellowsunrise in reply to Carolinepink]

This is so helpful! I was suspecting RSD was one of the main issues i'm facing. I did struggle with communication during the relationship and was quite invalidated throughout it. I guess that also left me feeling emotionally insecure and longing to be understood. There was a time he didn't take my ADHD seriously, and he alluded to me self-diagnosing (given how it seemed to be a trend on tiktok), so there was already that aspect of invalidation and rejection.

It's quite interesting that even after that, i still felt the need to be understood by him. Im trying my best to find methods that work for me, including seeking therapy and speaking to a psychiatrist. I'll take a look at the authors you've recommended. I really appreciate the advice. Wishing you love and happiness ❤️

[KentuckTD in reply to Yellowsunrise]

You said you were “quite invalidated” throughout the relationship. That does not sound very healthy. Look honestly at other aspects…maybe this will be mentally healthier for you in the long run? We can’t live our lives feeling invalidated in our most important relationship when we get SO much of that invalidation from the outside world already.

[Yellowsunrise in reply to KentuckTD]

Thats true enough. I suppose its the attachment and RSD that's really trying to pin me down. There were quite a number of issues we had in the relationship, but it always seemed like we were moving past them. I guess just not on his end.

[lovecrete]

This is from a mans perspective i know its hard to get over someone you love, but try a new hobby or something you love to do to get you through the beginning and youll find someone new and better and fall in love again with someone new. God has a way of always making things work out.

Best of luck

[Yellowsunrise in reply to lovecrete]

I'm definitely going being more intentional with my hobbies. I might try running and volunteer work as well. Thank you for the encouragement. Hopefully we all find people who understand us.

All the best to you too kind stranger!

[PinkPanda23]

I immediately hit "Reply" after reading your post, but managed to squash the impulse to say my piece before reading the existing responses. And of course, others already said what I was thinking! What I would add is for you to trust the process. Three weeks isn't a long time to grieve over a breakup you didn't see coming. Neurotypical people would also be second-guessing themselves in this situation. Another thing to consider is that we don't have to accept other people's judgment of us as the truth! He may have concluded that you're not the person for him, but that doesn't make you wrong or at fault. Perhaps it's even his loss. While you're thinking all the things and feeling all the feelings, be sure to include a lot of self affirmation. You are a good human, Yellowsunrise. You have much to offer, and in time, this will sort itself out. Stay no contact, don't try to analyze it to death and explain yourself. He doesn't get ADHD. so he doesn't get you, and you aren't wrong, just different. Hugs.

[Yellowsunrise in reply to PinkPanda23]

This nearly brought me to tears. Thank you so much for the validation and encouragement <3

[LisethHIS]

Hello, Yellowsunrise,

I’m really sorry you're going through this. It can be tough, and it's easy to overthink things. Finding closure is hard when things aren’t clear, but sometimes it's okay to leave things unsaid. I recommend talking to a therapist, trying a new hobby, and being around people who love and support you. Remember, you need to give yourself time to heal and work through your feelings.

Here are some resources that can be helpful: chadd.org/for-adults/relati...

podcasts.chadd.org/e/health...

chadd.org/attention-article...

podcasts.chadd.org/e/adhd-a...

If there is anything you need, please let me know.

Best,

Liseth

Health Information Specialist

CHADD's National Resource Center on ADHD

chadd.org

[Yellowsunrise in reply to LisethHIS]

Thank you so much for the resources. I'll take a look at them

[CloudsAreLovely]

It's hard to get out of your own head sometimes. For me it's a constant battle myself. But don't focus on any negative talk about yourself or the other person. Perhaps this person just wasn't the right person for you. You'll know without a shadow of a doubt when you have the right person who gets you.... who may get frustrated from time to time but will learn and understand how to adapt. Sometimes It takes a few relationships to really figure out what that really looks like!! And I recommend cognitive behavior therapy. And doing something that you love to do to occupy your time. Whatever you do get up and get dressed!!!!

[Yellowsunrise in reply to CloudsAreLovely]

Definitely! I think the disconnect happens when my brain realises that the person who broke up with me wasn't the same person i was dating. It's like i have to rewire my brain all over again. I'm definitely going to look into CBT. I'm still working on getting up and getting dressed though😭Its a real challenge some days. Thank you for the kind words