I know that I had no idea my brain worked in differently than other people. I spent 71 years believing that my behavior and experiences were character and moral defects which I hid deeply, instead of a difference.
If everyone else's brain worked like mine, why was it so easy for them to just do what they knew needed to be done, when I struggled?
It amazed me to realize that what I experienced in my head was different from others. Not just personality quirks or choices, but a real functional difference.
Same feelings here! Diagnosed at 52 after wondering why on earth everything felt so hard all the time.
Your words 'not just personality quirks but real functional difference' strike a chord for me. I think I'm only just coming to terms with this 4 years after diagnosis.
Friends sort of 'refer' others to me to share my experiences and I always find it difficult to ask them at the beginning of the conversation 'how honest do you want me to be?' 100% of the time they appreciate absolute honesty no matter how difficult it is to hear.
What a roller coaster life is! Would I change myself? Mostly no. But if I could change one thing it would be the fact that because I was a 'good' seemingly well-behaved girl with obvious intelligence nobody noticed the terrible difficulties I was having. People saw parts of me, but not the whole. When advocating for yourself - and others - you have to be able to express the whole story. It took me 52 years to be able to do that.
I totally relate to that, trying to hide from everyone and everything. Knowing my brain is wired differently, I still don't know if I should stop hiding
You are not alone. To me it's been overwhelming really. Be kind to yourself though, you may spend the rest of your life learning about yourself and how different other people's brains work compared to yours, and that, too, is normal.I was diagnosed at 31yo, just about 2 years ago. I still some days feel like I'm not sure what to make of my neurodiversity. And yet, in the moments when I am doing something I really love, I've realized there is beauty in how I can hyperfocus and completely lose myself (and the ability to track time). I can't imagine not having this "superpower" available. How sad it would be to not have ADHD!!
Till recently, after I read about ADHD, I didn't know typical people can have one thought in their head, and they don't hyper focus, and they have a different understanding of time. And I still can't imagine how that is. Every book describes ADHD and how it is different. I have no idea how typical is different.
Until I was about 40, I thought for certain that I was a neurotypical person. But I couldn't figure out why I continued to struggle with things like poor time management skills, frequent tardiness, procrastination, disorganization, poor working memory, inability to focus/ maintain attention, and being easily distracted.
I thought it was a matter of: being undisciplined, not learning the right skills, personality traits, and even nutritional imbalance. For three decades, I'd read books, taken courses, taken supplements, tried so many things to be more like my neurotypical friends, family members, neighbors and colleagues. I often wondered why it was so hard for me to do things that seemed so easy to others. I identified as neurotypical, but my struggles were obvious.
In my mid-30s I started working with some people who each were open about their ADHD diagnosis, and I realized that my struggles were like their struggles... But struggled less than I did. That's when I began to wonder if I had ADHD.
I still didn't pursue a diagnosis until a few years of major struggles at work put me into a state of persistent, severe anxiety. I finally changed jobs, but the anxiety didn't let up, so I went to counseling. Since I knew that the counselor also treated ADHD, I asked for her to also evaluate me for ADHD, because of my suspicions. Eight weeks later, she gave me an ADHD diagnosis. A few days after that, I mentioned the new diagnosis to my doctor, and he had me take a computer questionnaire, which he scored... and he confirmed my ADHD diagnosis. I was 45. (I'm now 48, and my ADHD medication has turned my life around!)
I really relate to this. I tried so hard to be like every one, and failed. Till I gave up, and resigned. I was a social loser, and a loner. I could never fit.
Now I don't know what to think. Nothing has changed but everything has changed.
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