This is All I know

[Feliciana7]

I'm trying to identify a behavior of mine... This is long, feel free to NOT read if you get annoyed. Not my intentions, I just really need you to understand me in detail so I can hopefully get the answers I need. Thanks🧡Trigger warning -very sensitive and personal😔

I was severely abused by my mother who was on crack and other drugs after I was born for two years until she gave me up. I was placed in an orphanage that abused me. Locked me in dark closets, ripped my hair out because they didn't know what to do with African hair and had a huge bald spot, (I have permanent sensitivity in certain spots on my head), separated from the other children, especially during holidays and wasn't allowed to come participate. Id watch them from behind a glass door while I screamed and cried, adopted into a family that didn't want me and made it clear, by the woman who raised me. She'd cry every year on her nephews bday about how she wanted him and not me. Sad thing is, she wasn't even drunk. And I'd hug her and hold her and tell her it's ok. I was her biggest failure and disappointment and she gave up on me with our question, but got a decent check that made her keep me. Throughout my time with her and her husband, I was molested by four individuals for a number of years off and on. I told her about the first who was a family friend, she had him arrested. The second, was her husband who adopted me with her. They divorced before I told her and she just yelled at him to stay away. Then would make me go visit him and stay with him from time to time. The third...... I never told anyone because it was her nephew that she loved dearly and he was everyone's favorite. And I was the black sheep. They didn't like me and I knew they wouldn't believe me. (He took his own life a few years ago). And the last was her 'married' boyfriend that had an entire family 5 minutes up the road from us. I knew she wouldn't believe me, why? Because I used to read her journal and she talked about how she thought we had a thing going on. Which broke my heart because she already KNEW and did nothing. He would sometimes play 'jokingly' with me and make it a grind here or a feel there or sneak in my bed and I was too ashamed and scared to say anything, so to make sure this was the last time, I made him trip and fall and he got tangled in the sheets while tryna leave as to not get caught, which led him to get caught..... She SAW with her own eyes and even still, chose him over me and put me out. I ended up having my first boyfriend at 16. He was the star football player, which was odd to me because I was lame, poor and didn't even match him. But I felt special because he chose me over all the pretty girls. We lasted 2 months because Valentine's Day was coming and he had to break up with me because I was a 'Black Book Bet'. My second boyfriend was the father of my first two sons. I was terrified of him. But he saved me when the lady who raised me physically kicked me to the curb. (She mentally let me go a few years after getting me from the orphanage). He protected me and made me feel safe and wanted as long as I obeyed him and if I didn't, he had ways of torturing me sexually and physically. He trained my brain a certain way for 9 years and I'd NEVER go against him. So loyalty wasn't a question. Hed beat me so bad and I'd stay because.... Where would I go? I have no family. He held guns to my head and would make sure I couldn't talk to anyone but him. When he thought I'd leave him, he raped me to have my second son. (I get severely sick when pregnant and have to be taken care of and constantly getting an IV.

When it comes to men after leaving him in 2012, I tend to get the men who abuse me and take advantage of me. I get in trouble and can piss them off so it should only be fair to get me to behave properly🙄. But infact, they didn't like my behavior because I was mirroring them and they didn't appreciate that so I had to be taught a lesson.

I go pass the suites and ties and search for the rough around the edges. Though I really want the suites and tie kinda man,(not necessarily suites and tie but a man who is an actual gentleman with togetherness and morals and respect.) I don't feel they would ever get me. I'm afraid they'd see my ADHD and Autism and view it as the "cooties" and toss me to the side or make me know they are smarter than me and put me down. I look for men to be rough with me. But I hate it. But felt like that's all I can get or deserved because that's all I know. Sex feels like paying dues( with men who expect much and give nothing but in between the sheets time). I hate being touched and anticipate it being over before it starts so I can wash them off of me. And if I say "no," then I feel like I'm a bad person even though I didn't want to do it in the first place. I always felt like that was all I was worth and no one ever wanted me anyway so this is what I get, so be grateful. I've had four long relationships and not once did I ever receive flowers, jewelry or any type of gifts. Why??? Because Miss Blab Mouth had to tell them in the beginning that I was a simple girl and I don't have to have fancy things. I don't want to break your pockets. I'm not interested in 'things' I'm interested in You. So they took that and ran. I never said I didn't want it. You could make something with your barehand and I'd love it even more. Pick a flower off a bush and place it in my hair and my day is the best day ever. Yet I always made gifts for them or surprised them because I wanted to let them know I loved them.

,❓Does Anyone else have similar situations?

❓Is this apart of ADHD and Autism?

[STEM_Dad]

Thank you for having the courage to share all that, and trusting us with such personal details.

My heart breaks for you, because of all that you've had to go through in life.

I think that because of the abuse and mistreatment you are now living with trauma. I'm not a mental health expert, and when if I was this would not be the way to correctly assess what your needs are and to treat you.

But person to person, I will do what little I can to try to help.

~~~~~

I can only really only partially empathize with the trauma that you've been through.

I have never been through such tragic circumstances. But my highschool sweetheart, whom I was later married to for 20 years, went through some (maybe half, at most) of what you've survived.

You are a survivor.

She is also a survivor, in her own right. She had an abusive, neglectful, addict-alcoholic mom; abusive, molesting, addict-alcoholic stepfather; she became a teenage runaway, got picked up off the streets and put into the system (group home or foster care when there was placement, youth corrections when there wasn't...her "crime" was not having anyone to take her in), and she was abused & molested in a system that was supposed to keep her safe.

• She grew up as "white trash",

I know her story very well. She shared a lot with me after we reunited, but before she would let me marry her. She thought that the truth would drive me away, but it made me doubly sure that God had hand-picked me to marry her.

You see, as a man, I am quite the opposite of the men you've described. Partly by my personality & temperament, and partly by how I was brought up, I am gentle natured and protective. [Of course, I have my faults, like being passive, kinda wimpy, and for the longest time I didn't have my ADHD diagnosis - so I made a lot of mistakes. But the last thing I could ever do was to abuse or mistreat her, as others had done. I just couldn't protect her from my inept mistakes of my pre-diagnosis years, and the stress they have caused.]

She was safe with me. (My heart wasn't so safe with her...she has broken it many times, including having a couple of affairs and ultimately divorcing me.)

I know that she is a good person overall, and I can't think of a better mother for our children, but I feel like she has not done all the healing work that she needs to do, and so I believe she needs constant validation (leading to her questionable behaviors).

.....

I can assure you that there are good men in the world. Maybe we're not easy to find.

But before looking for a man to fill a void and take care of you, I hope that you are working on healing and transformation.

The bad things that happened to you were not your fault. You do not need to let them define you.

Change is hard, though. And it takes time and effort, and sometimes a lot of help.

.....

We've got a good, supportive community here. I know that our peers here and I will do what we can to help and encourage you.

Again, thank you for having the courage to open up and to trust us.

[Spud-u-Like1982]

Hi Feliciana7,

Thank you for having the courage to put all that down and no doubt have to re-live it in your mind.

Firstly, one of the things that stood out about what you wrote, is you definitely shouldn't think of yourself as stupid, because trust me, your post is very eloquent.

Secondly, you sound like you've lived a thousand lifetimes in your 38 years - and they all sound agonisingly horrible - you shouldn't have to be made to put up with the treatment you've endured. No woman (or anyone) should put up with abuse - either mental or physical. It sickens me to hear of things like that happening in this day and age to anyone. A simple act of kindness or decency sounds like it's all you've ever needed - and not had.

You sound emotionally strong, which is miraculous considering what you've had to endure.

To your question about ADHD, I didn't really read anything that stood out as that or Autism, but mental, physical and emotional trauma is a definite. You've been through so much.

I wish I could offer more advice. Stay strong, keep your chin up and take care.

[Mamamichl in reply to Spud-u-Like1982]

I agree. It is quite normal to go to blaming yourself. It has taken years of practice to not blame myself for the abuse I endured, especially as a child. Children should be able to trust the adults in their lives to take care of them and not hurt them. When this happens, kids don’t know to call cps, they don’t know who would be safe to tell. We feel trapped, and it’s the adults who have failed us. It’s not our faults we didn’t know better. It is important to learn from these experiences though and do better with that knowledge, though sometimes easier said than done. And it will help you to keep this from happening to your precious babies.

[Mamamichl]

I would say it’s CPTSD as well as ADHD. You may want to also join the PTSD groups here. My mom did crack and trafficked me in my teen years. I also remember being abused by my first husband, and sex feeling like a chore. It took leaving him and finding my current partner 14 years ago to slowly get me out of the mindset. He has been super patient with sex and my traumas. Communicating openly helped me with him, but finding a person with a good heart was difficult. I hear many of the men in SCA are good men (think renaissance fair).

I hope you have a good therapist who treats ptsd and ADHD, and who probably does emdr or DBT. Both can be helpful for ptsd and cycling thoughts and emotions. It also helps with communication.

I do hope the woman who raised you has no contact with you. That would be for the best at this juncture. Although my traumas aren’t as extreme as yours, I definitely remember the same trauma response. It takes good therapy (possibly intensive outpatient) and lots of time working on yourself. Think about how far you have already come and in what ways you have been able to take charge of your life.

[Hidden]

Hi Feliciana, i can't respond in full right now but girl you are a fighter. Commend yourself for seeking help. Do you know what that means? that means you are not stupid, or worthless or anything else...yes there is a perspective shift and certain things you have to shift in order to go the direction you are trying to go in...but you are taking the steps.

We all at some point have , experienced, are currently experiencing or will experience this so no judgment here and know that you are not alone. My phone is broken but there is a number or contact info. i will message it to you for assistance with counseling. Check your DM's.

much love to you sis!!! Keep staying connected...better to be supported than going through this solo BUT be discerning with the advise you are given. think it through (believe me i tell myself this all the time) i give you advise i need to take also.

talk to you soon!

[Spud-u-Like1982]

Further to my response to you, Feliciana7, the way you describe the ADHD symptoms, is quite similar to myself, especially with regards to all the half started and half finished projects and great ideas.

You say in your description that you aren't smart and not a great speaker, but you are a really good writer - seriously! You're clearly smart, clearly strong and you could easily be a true inspiration to anyone in similar situations to what you've found yourself in.

I know it's difficult to have self-esteem, self-confidence and self-worth when you have ADHD and especially given all the horrible situations you've found yourself in, but you are a good writer - clear and succinct, so pleased give yourself credit for that.