I'm awaiting a formal ADHD diagnosis and I recently read that masking is unhealthy. I completely and utterly relate to everything in the following article, that I'm rather shocked and somewhat worried.
I want to share some background about myself and my possible ADHD.
I've regularly talked to my wife, who is a school SENCO. So she knows a bit about ADHD, albeit mainly childhood ADHD. I'm now a teacher too so I have some insight into ADHD. In fact, I retrained as a teacher 5-years ago. As a software developer, I found desk-based work messed with my well-being. In fact, what kept me going was that I used to cycle 25 mile a day, and 50-mile a day during good weather when I changed jobs.
I fidget a lot and I struggle to watch films and read. On the other hand, if the book or topics or story interests me, I can become very engrossed. Likewise, I get fixated with projects, such as programming, planning lessons, or investigating ADHD. I can also be very organised and tidy to the point of OCD-like behaviour. However I'm not very efficient and I find I cant easily 'switch off', if there are distractions. So I have to plan to remove or remove myself from distractions.
A year- or two-ago, when I started to open up more about seeing a specialist / doctor about ADHD, rather than making throw away comments, my wife said she'd always seen it in me. She said she kept quiet as she didn't want to plant ideas and that any action had to be my doing.
So, finally, a few months ago I saw my doctor. I did an online test and I'm now awaiting referral to a specialist. I know it's a long waiting list/takes time. However, I've thought I don't mind waiting. After all, I'm 48 yrs old, so another few years wouldn't hurt. I'm also not sure what they can do in any case. I've adopted/learnt coping strategies over the years. I've read articles and books (including Thomas E Browns, Smart but Stuck) which I can both relate to and question whether I have ADHD.
So I've now gone from "I've just adopted coping strategies - geton with it" to "wow, this is unhealthy and has really had more of an impact than I first thought". Well I don't actually know if I have a ADHD.
I'm be curious to hear your thoughts.
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daverussell
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I've used masking my whole life, and now at 58 I'm just understanding it and why. I'm positive I started as a way "to keep me safe." I watched others behaviors and created my masks from them, and I had a few.I feel I was good at it and I'm still learning how. I felt imposter syndrome a lot, because I kind of was. I played a role that wasn't me, and I knew it wasn't really me.
For me wearing my masks takes a lot of energy. I've got the normal circus going on in my head, with a sprinkle of random emotions, while acting a role, playing out a script.
If I was tire, the mask would crumble, and that was never good.
The article resonates with me with a lot of the mental repercussions culminating into sever depression about two years ago.
It's also left me not really knowing who I am. Odd to say, but I'm finding it hard separating what parts are masks and what's really me. It's also has cost me a number of relationships and friends.
My only advice would be if anyone feels the need to mask, or that the mask a lot, look for a professional to help.
Thank you for sharing. I think I may have to look at options for going for a private diagnosis.
Whilst I love the job I have now (apart from the workload) and I'm now in a relatively good place, I'm beginning to see how much this may have cost me a career, and not to mention a poor performance at school - though my life is a bit more complicated.
Yes I'm in the UK. I didnt mind as I'm not sure a diagnosis will achieve anything, as I've adopted strategies and getting through it as best I can. Now this appears to be a mask and could be more harmful, I'm considering investigating going private.
Hi Dave, I am in the UK and have recently paid for a private diagnosis. I am 61 and found a way of coping and being reasonably successful but my masking failed when I was faced with a number of traumas in my life. I am on day 5 of medication and having private ADHD coaching. I thought I could cope but counsellors and relationship matters pushed me to take this further. There are so many books on ADHD, I can’t actually focus to read anymore but I listened to the Book Scattered Minds on the recommendation of one of my counsellors and it was like someone had read my mind and written a book. What strategies have you been using?
I use to do lists extensively and follow set processes for repetitive tasks. I'm almost possessively compelled to compete tasks and be tidy by ensuring everything has it's place.
I make a conscious effort to isolate myself if I need to complete tasks.
Thank you for your response. I wish you well through your journey.
It sounds like you have been figuring out how your brain functions well and have been strategizing with it rather than against it (e.g., the plan to minimize distractions).
If that's the case, I experience that as very different from masking, when I am pretending to think or feel things that I do not actually think or feel, but it's not really a conscious decision. It's like mimicry for survival. This usually shows up socially and it took a very long time to become aware that I was doing it, noticing it, pausing it, and calming my nervous system enough to be fully present in conversations.
For about a decade, I'd do something like go to happy hour and impulsively say yes to the third drink, "perform" friendship by having conversations that I actually found boring but "normal" people seemed to want to talk about, and basically never checking in with my own wants or needs because of my rejection sensitivity. And I used booze as social lubricant and my main source of dopamine so much that I became dependent. That's how I masked for years. After lots of effort and therapy, I have friends, boundaries, am mostly alcohol-free, and a strong sense of self.
Compare that to strategies that just work well for our brains. That is mostly what it sounds like to me in your post, although it depends on your tidiness and whether you're experiencing distress (perfectionism or compulsion) when things are untidy. A lot of us struggle with organization and order but I also see that connection. Once I realized that I was so profoundly impacted by my environment, during pandemic, I slowly (room by room) went from chaotic house to tidy habits because the dopamine payoff of walking into a neat kitchen is high for me. But I am able to tolerate mess & come back to it later.
So my advice would be to inventory whether your coping strategies are filling you up or draining your battery and unpack why that might be. How much you are choosing vs a behavior that feels like you have to do in order to be accepted, successful, loved, etc. - external vs. internal validation. That might not be the only metric but it's an important one. Good luck on your journey, Dave.
I'm aware that I might be misinterpreting and overthinking this.
"depends on your tidiness and whether you're experiencing distress (perfectionism or compulsion) when things are untidy"
Distress in both respects. My perfectionism comes about once I get started on something; I have a sense of guilt for not doing it in the first place; I need to get it done or I know it will linger. I get compulsion from the anxiety of knowing I might not complete the some task or forget something such as my cash card or missing a key component.
You are spot on when you say, walking into a tidy room is such a fabulous feeling.
I've dismissed ADHD because of my perfectionism and hyperfocus. Yet, after all this time, the article has may have just spelt it out once and for all.
"inventory whether your coping strategies are filling you up or draining your battery and unpack why that might be."
I wonder if it could come about from nearly all my school reports commenting on my untidy handwriting.
Exactly, It takes me a lot of effort to hand write; I write in caps and force myself to draw each letter clearly, whilst avoiding forgetting what I was doing in the first place. Similarly when Im typing I have to slowdown my brain (though I touch type). I then proof read, but make almost as many careless mistakes as I did in the first place.
It's very draining indeed.
I hope that makes sense.
Thank you for your insightful reply. You clearly have personal and shared experience, and are well read on this; I will certainly take on board your advice.
Thank you Writer35. Being newly diagnosed (Nov 2022)I am still trying to figure out what a lot of terms and labels mean. Coping, masking, etc...your explanation in your response to Dave was very helpful.
I read the article perviously and found it to be insightful. The recommendations at the end of the article include meeting with a therapist.
“Therapy can help you break out of negative thinking patterns, explore issues of deficiency that lead to masking, and improve your ability to be authentic with others.”
I really recommend therapy ... I am getting the sense that you are really jumping around thinking about your condition and whether you have ADHD. You want to go interact with someone who can help you understand your struggles and help you see your patterns and all of that.
Cold truth here: I see that you do analyze things for yourself. Unfortunately many of the most important patterns we have, we simply cannot see them without the help of a therapist. We take these patterns for granted.
For example, I can see you thinking through every possible angle on your situation.
But you're missing the big basic picture. Something is not working in your life. You go for help to figure what's going on and then to get help to make life better, more enjoyable, less exhausting and so on and so forth. It's clear that you are dissatisfied with some big parts of your life. Just stay there. ADHD or not ADHD. Go get help with that. Getting help will place you on a journey. The journey may or may not include an ADHD diagnosis.
And you're misunderstanding "diagnosis." Diagnosis is usually part of treatment and it's ongoing. Symptoms change or become more clear over time as the provider gets to know us as we deal with different situations in your life. You learn over time more about how to describe your life challenges in ways you can't see or identify right now.
So yes, I see perfectionism (I've had it) going right now and tripping you up. But you can't know all this stuff ahead of time. Just can't. You have to get on the journey. And frankly there are discoveries I've made about myself that I wasn't ready to make or see or admit when I started off on the journey to making sense of ADHD. It's not really an intellectual process, which you sorta are acting like it is. It's much more an emotional process. And scary at times. So as you go along through treatment, you capacity to face uncomfortable truths will increase--once that capacity increases, you'll see life in new ways.
Thank you for your sincere and thoughtful answer. I hear everything you are saying. You are spot on. I am "thinking through every possible angle on your situation" and I suppose "It's not really an intellectual process, which you sorta are acting like it is."
Analysing has always been a strength and weakness, where I over analyse.
Although my partner thinks I have ADHD-traits, she doesn't agree that I'm masking. That part is something I'm struggling to put my finger on, but that article has hit me hard. I've struggled with this, as far back as I remember, but have just accepted as a weakness. I'm not one to hide my weakneses; on the contrary, I'm too often open and honest about my mistakes. On the other hand, I don't want people (at work in particular) to see me completely for what I believe I am. As you say, "we simply cannot see them without the help of a therapist. We take these patterns for granted."
Masking is a side issue that will come up once you get fully on the journey. Right now, it's like you have randomly grabbed this problem and you're assuming it applies to you.
Masking is a challenge, but I would say it's down the list of ADHD problems and is best resolved by working on ADHD as a whole or working on whatever it is that is subtracting from your life.
Get on the path and you will ultimately find some clarity to masking and other questions. But you have to get on the path of action and treatment ... and then the reflection really bears fruit.
Hi Dave Russell,You want priv psych diagnosis and meds ASAP!
I went to Psymplicity in London. All sorted within a couple of weeks.
Once on the meds you won't trouble yourself any more and whether you mask or not won't bother you. Honestly, a bit more of "who cares?" attitude is a great thing. Hugely relaxing and WHAT A RELIEF!!
And suddenly you see there is so much more out there to wrap your high strung nerve strings around. More intriguing, fascinating, productive, fun! You have friends and family? Hey, there's the fun. So much better to spend time with them doing fun stuff. Ice scaring, skiing, walks, winter markets, swimming pools, cooking, making popcorn etc etc, yeah, exactly. All that mundane cr@p. Later a movie or two then the pub with a good ol' mate getting philosophical.
This from another self-flagellation-prone, hyperfocused, procrastinating-as-hell perfectionist.
Keep us posted. I'm always interested in other people's narratives. Especially those's who don't just sob. Or sob at least in an articulate, interesting fashion! Btw taking care of a human, hominid, other hominoid, or even a non-human (not a real gorilla perhaps, but, say, a lonely bull terrier or one of those fashionable London pugs or French bulldogs), or an elderly person or a neglected child works wonders for the masking/unmasking dilemma.
I've been suspended from work once again and almost by now laughing about it as it's happened so many times straight after filing a grievance (I'll never learn!) but as I was planning to work the well paid holidays and having a good time at it with my great work mates in A&E but now being non-sensically prevented from giving the creaking dying NHS a little palliative care I've spontaneously decided - rather than enduring family dysfunction or potentially making myself unpopular by bombing friends' festivities too soon - to spend my time with some lonelies in grey rainy London, lighting or spoiling their day with ADHD and letting them share a little Vyvanse (not literally obviously). I think it's a marvellous idea, clap clap (the sound of patting myself on the shoulder ;^))
You certainly love life and I'm detecting very similar deep sense of humour. It's fun watching people as my sarcasm goes over their heads.I've been shopping around and found 2 clinics so far. 2k for a 90 minute appointment. I need to consider what I will get out of it - apart from either confirmation, or it everything else going round my head from my previous f**ked up life.
Crikey! 600 at Psymplicity and another 600 for the neuropsychologist then 250 for follow ups of which you may need just 2 before they send the shared care agreement to your GP. I can pm you with more details if needed.
Thank you. That's round about costs I'm estimating, as I'm sure (if positive) I would need treatment and follow ups. There are cheaper options, but that would just be a diagnosis. I've also found another that would do a package.
I was not diagnosed with ADHD until I was 55 and Now I am 77, ADHD is not something you develop you are born with it . I always knew something was wrong but given I also had an diagnosed hearing loss I I thought when that was diagnosed it would take care of things but NO . I was diagnosed with mostly inattentive type ADHD and some mixed. I am bette now with time management but not great. MY place is still messy but better. I still have a tendency to lean toward possibly risky behaviors but less so since I got help for that . And I still interrupt folks but less so. And I learned to say I am sorry .I learned to meditate . I go professional help[ and still get it . And most people do not understand ADHD so do not be surproised
The more I read, the more I think, if I was given a positive diagnosis, I could do is work on strategies.I definitely had many traits since a child and others I've realised into adulthood.
yes, I realize that I had ADHD as a child. My 6th grade teacher wrote - wake up and smell th eroses- I was most likely inattentive in class. Do not try hard to "figure things out" work on One minute at a time one day at a time , get a definite diagnosis and get professional help . keep in touch with others with ADHD . And msot professionals do not really understand ADHD
Good advice 75ADHDGal. Thanks for the reminder. I'm betting both of our "report cards" had many of the same comments....daydreamer, talkative, disruptive in class, etc....😂
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