hello community- I have recently been diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 39. I think my symptoms were always there but I had been raised to behave so you can imagine the masking that happened. Until it didn’t. Unbeknownst to me I was entering the long long period of perimenopause which as you know exacerbates ADHD in women. My symptoms showed up as extreme fatigue (as in I could fall asleep driving or talking it was almost as if it was going to happen whether I like it or not). I was started on Vyvanse (and swear only the brand name works for me) which was unbelievable- the feeling of fog lifting, brain clearing was unparalleled.
However, I am wondering- I read your stories and see all the data on ADHD and do not feel like I “fit”. I was never academically challenged and in fact had a full scholarship in college with a 4.0 GPA (not bragging I promise just sharing). I then went on to work and excelled at almost every level. I am looking at another promotion following this year. I am very organized and efficient. I can multitask like you wouldn’t believe and as a mom of 2 young girls I seem to have it together most of the time (cause no parent has it 💯 I promise you). I do forget things, am extremely anxious and have mild panic attacks often. I also struggle with sleep most nights.
So my question to this community is- is this ADHD or did I fall into a mold because most of it fit? How do I explain my symptoms being different than most? Or is this years of masking and being taught to push through anything?
Please weigh in, but be gentle. This is new to me and I have been slowly coming to terms with it and working through it.
Thanks for reading!
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Chionophile
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Welcome to the group! Your symptoms sound familiar to me although not necessarily the norm. ADHD is very different in women - ours is mostly our mind with it running here there and everywhere as opposed to boys who often are much more external with their symptoms. They are still playing massive catch up in researching ADHD in women and girls.
Yes, I believe that masking for so many years definitely takes time to unwrap. You are so accustomed to doing things the "normal" way that you have forgotten how you might go about it if you weren't instructed to perform in a certain way. Time will help with that.
It can take a while for it to really sink in. As you learn more and more about ADHD, and ADHD in women in particular, things will start to make sense or behaviors will look less like character flaws and more like different wiring.
We are so conditioned to believe that many of the female ADHD symptoms are some how a defect in us rather than a different way of looking at things.
Be kind to yourself as you learn. Also know that because there is so little research done on women more and more information will be coming to light. So maybe your symptoms are all explained by the drop in estrogen with perimenopause, maybe it is purely ADHD or lack of sleep. Whatever it is doesn't really matter. What matters is that Vyvanse works for you (not uncommon for name brand to work differently from generics) and different wiring may explain things you thought were character flaws.
How ever it shakes out be glad for the lifting of brain fog and take care of yourself though the transition of understanding ADHD and how it relates to you and the transition of perimenopause.
Congrats on the past and forthcoming promotions - nicely done!
Thank you so much- your kindness is so much appreciated. It has been a challenging journey. It has also been so freeing understanding my mind in better ways. I feel that I have masked to such a point that I’ve developed coping skills to most life situations. It’s still crazy to me how calm and focused I am in stressful situations! And you are right on point that with me I felt that all my mind was always going 10000000 miles a hour though I never really showed it outwardly. I hope they continue to study women- it is so very hard to be in a body with a mind that doesn’t stop.
yes! We unfortunately had our house broken into about 6 months ago and once I figured what happened it’s like my breathing got deeper my heart slowed down and I was just calm. The detective commented on it since he has not really seen it before!
hey, thanks for sharing . I just want to add my experience . Diagnosed ASD and adhd at 47. Treated for depression and anxiety since 18.
I felt I had it all together , but things hit the fan when some serious life events Happened for me . Firstly , left my peer group and got married with , two step kids then two of my own . Then lost parents , job etc and much more , and life suddenly needed me to have it all together more than ever . Bang . My altogether changed to not at all . As if my brain had juts had enough and couldn’t / can’t . Prior to this , I multitasked like never , was on top of everything , so organised tidy energetic ( albeit tired a lot , but took class a drugs for some years so this may have masked it )
Things were good . I felt a bit odd when with others , but always presumed it was them not me ( guess that actually is true though !!! )
Held down jobs , one for ten years , another for 7 and 2 and 2 years . As soon as my structure and supports when , so have mr coping skills and everything .
I doubted it like you . And guess even 3 years on I do , but there are now times when I look back and think . Wow, how the hell did I Sarah myself through so much angst and chaos , fall outs with bosses , court cases with employers , 2 iva and one bankruptcy .
No one adhd person fits another . There are the common things that go with it , and others that are just specific to that person .
I guess whatever it is , you are you . Diagnosis or not . I wish you well , and hope all makes sense .
So much of what you shared felt like I was reading something I had written about myself. I was diagnosed with ADHD in October. My diagnosis explained so much. Starting back from my childhood. It was like a weight was lifted off of me. After starting Vyvanse, it cleared most of the fog away, and my Hypersomnia was in check. I've spent my entire life Masking. I'm still doing it to some degree. About two years ago my ADHD symptoms started getting really bad (not that I knew what it was back then). Until I read your post I was unaware that perimenopause exacerbated ADHD symptoms. So thank you for that information. I have always been extremely organized, I KNEW where every single thing was. That's NOT the case any more. Unfortunately my memory is just getting worse by the day. I haven't shared my story yet, for a few reasons, one being that I don't fit into any mold. I have a lot more going on with my mental and physical health. Including anxiety, depression, and dyssomnia. It's so incredibly overwhelming. Any time I consider sharing my story on my profile, I will type up a Google doc. Edit it a 1000 times and then chicken out. Out of fear and a long list of reasons. Which is what I am currently doing with this right now.
All of that was my version of saying, Thank You for sharing your story, I related to it more then I have anyone else's. It gave me the courage to at least share on your post if not mine.
Sorry it's so long, believe it or not I cut out a lot before I posted it.
Thank you for your reply- I know first hand how hard it is to share and be the brave one to admit something is not right. It started after I had my first child. I had never been treated for anxiety or depression and my post parting anxiety had become life threatening. I make it a point to tell people what I have and what I e done because if we don’t make this known we will not get the help we need. If you need someone to talk to, I am happy to.
Your story and mine are very similar. I am a year ahead in that I was diagnosed a year ago. I must say that my anxiety symptoms are much less, I am generally much more relaxed, and I’m doing much better at home and at work since I dropped the constant masking. I have received the gift of actually being accepted by people for who I am. My relationships are real now, and not based on my doing what I thought would make people like me. This is the gift, so far, of my diagnosis. It has been super hard for me, this last year. But showing my true self to the world has helped me to sleep at night. And not wake up in a panic every morning. I don’t care what the label is that is being used for me. I received a focus in which to explore my behaviour in the e world. It has been super enlightening. And super freeing. I wish the same for you. Love from a fellow perfectionist and 4.0 student of literally everything. Xo
It is highly unlikely that if you scored high enough to be dx with adhd that you don't have adhd. Even more so if Vyvanse lifts the fog for you! As females we have been conditioned for all of time to fill certain roles and act certain ways. In fact women couldn't get a loan until the 80s. So masking is absolutely a factor.
Adhd is often disorganized and all the other things you mentioned that you don't see, but there are a few things at play.
First, you likely don't see how you meet the criteria. For example, maybe your organized and it makes sense to you but wouldn't to anyone one else that comes in and sees your organization. Adhd often organizes in pile so it's never out of sight out of mind. So organized for you.
The next part is you've accommodated yourself. You do what works for you! If your organization makes sense to you and you can find things great, that works. That doesn't mean it's the same organization definition as someone without adhd. It's not wrong, it's just that you probably can't see the difference b/c its always been that way.
Next, hyperfocus. If having it altogether is very important to you it often becomes a hyperfocus and most everything an adhd brain focuses on turns out fabulous!
Finally, adhd rarely comes alone. You're more likely to have both adhd and asd than one or the other. That being said, asd thrives in organization and many of the other things you mentioned. While adhd likes new and exciting it does well with rigid schedules. Asd doesn't like surprises and thrives in routine so it will fight to have those. If you're AuDHD likely the ASD is over compensating and helping you accomplish all the things.
That being said, start looking at ASD criteria and what ADHD, ASD, and AuDHD look like especially in women!
I'm a 40yo female and live in a house full of adhd. I discovered at 39 I'm likely asd. My kids' dr tried to tell me years ago my undx'd adhd was the struggle in our house (one child's behaviors). I took all the screener she handed out and scored 0. After dd was hospitalized for mental health crisis I looked into ASD+PDA for her and suddenly my life made sense. Everyday behaviors and struggles they described was like watching my life play out before me. I had it altogether as well. I graduated high school with a 3.98GPA. Graduated college in 3.5 years with honors and a double major. Was successful in the working world, raising a family, doing all the things. Turns out dd was in what I would learn was autistic burnout...and so was I. I was just masking it to the point exhaustion. That was a year ago. I'm still digging my way out of burnout and at a low pt at this moment but I've been learning and unmasking and in unmasking and burnout, either my plate is more full or I'm not capable of doing as much. It could be both, but right now I feel like I'm drowning. However, I'm also realizing it's ok if I don't keep all the things up in the air as society says to and have devoted this year to not picking things back up. This has lead to more poor coping skills from dh b/c for all of his life others have done all the things for him, and I am not anymore. He now is responsible for doing thing! These behaviors cause more overwhelm for me not helping the burnout situation but I never should have been doing it all in the first place! Had I not set such a high "perfect" standard to keep, maybe I'd be better able to function at this point! I don't say this to scare you but to show that masking can absolutely hide all the things making us think we're handling everything and coping well, but it comes at the cost of our nervous system. The struggles have always been there, but they take more energy and resources from us to do they for peer b/c it come naturally to them. Until we know ND is the reason, we don't even know theyre depleting us (we just assume everyone feels this way - look up spoon theory). We do often unknowingly accommodate ourselves and that does make things easier, but others don't have to have the accommodations to do the same things. And that is why we can't see the "common challenges".
To summarize, yes, your dx is likely correct. There might be more to it, but if meds help, keep taking them and leave the dx be so you can keep getting them. No one besides your Dr ever even needs to know you have an adhd dx unless you want to share. (Although others around you likely already know 😉) Keep learning and keep doing what works! You've got this!
Wow- that is definitely not something I would have considered (re: aus!). But now I’m reading and thinking of all my life experiences. This was very interesting- thank you for sharing!
you are so normal so don’t worry. upon my research and listening to the experience of many adhd shows up in many different ways. if you had structure, routines, consequences and responsible or loving and involved parents your adhd MAY be more controlled that someone else. Because adhd strives in those routines and structured lifestyle it could totally be missed or you could questions it. But you have a good point did you fall into this because you checked most of the boxes?
some may be tired of me saying this but for me listening to peoples experience in podcasts and o different medical professionals has helped me understand it more.
i’m a basket case but i hope this was helpful in some way.
I feel like you and what really compounds this ‘is it really ADHD’ is the fact my mum who has always been anti diagnosis and medication..she’s from the ‘just get on with it and pull your socks up brigade’ isn’t interested!
I believe my brother has it too and when I gave her some literature on adhd hoping a light would come on and she’d recognise why me and my brother are the way we are she later hadn’t them back stating…”I started to have a read but they’re not for me”!!!
Also when I said to her I wondered who I got it from her answer was a very quick…”you didn’t bloody get it from me”
I responded really well to Elvanse but it stopped working…I’m not sure if it’s due to perimenopause…I’m now trying methylphenidate IR which is nowhere near as effective!
Like someone else said…if the meds help that’s all that matters.
welcome! Your ADHD sounds a lot like mine. I had a 3.8gpa in my bachelors and masters programs. I did find homework took me more than twice as long as everyone else, but I pushed through, which was probably hyper fixation now that I think about it. it did constantly cause burnout where I didn’t want to do anything for extended periods though. I will still binge watch for hours, doing cross stitch by myself instead of playing with my kids.
I was diagnosed at 38, 3 years ago. I was diagnosed after my kid was. I also have extreme trouble sleeping. Getting to sleep is not usually a big issue, as I turn my brain off by reading or listing to music, but I wake up easily then my mind races and won’t let me get back to sleep. Medication has helped a lot, but not perfect, mind you.
If Vyvanse is helping, you almost for sure have ADHD. I’ve heard similar things for some people about the brands. Can I ask how you know about the name brand thing? I’m not sure I’m feeling my medications but I’m pretty sure it’s not name brand for them though…
Hi there- thank you! I recently started having a lot of trouble sleeping. What do you take for it? I’m seeing my doc on Friday but I have the same issues as you described
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