A couple of weeks ago, I came across a video about ADHD in women. I believe I most probably have it, but still haven't been diagnosed. I tried an online therapy platform, and the therapist was adamant I didn't have ADHD, only anxiety disorder (after approximately 5 minutes into a phone call). She wasn't a specialist and I felt like she wasn't really listening to why I suspected it.
I haven't shared this with my family, as I don't want to burden them. I keep thinking, what if I do and it turns out that I don't actually have it? I want to get diagnosed first, but I'm having a hard time finding an affordable specialist who can diagnose me online. It sucks that not many professionals out there are aware of how it presents in women.
I do believe I have it; when I learned about it, my entire life played in my mind and so much made sense. And yet, I can't help but wonder if I'm seeing something that isn't there. Do I want to have ADHD? Am I looking for an excuse for all my failures and shortcomings? Is this imposter syndrome (yet another potential symptom)?
Did anyone feel like this prior to getting a formal diagnosis?
Please share with my your diagnosis journey and whether you were the first to recognize or if someone else did. Your insight is much appreciated by this struggling soul
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LAlexandria
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I was formally diagnosed about 8 months after telling my psychiatrist (a man) I thought I was experiencing executive dysfunction and wanted to explore ADHD. He told me that my grades were good, and therefore I couldn't have it. He then said I was probably lazy and lacked motivation in my life and recommended therapy. I did eventually seek therapy (for other reasons and much later, and it was invaluable.)
My diagnostic process started after I had not one, not two, but three mental breakdowns. I called him sobbing and he finally recommended ADHD screening. I was diagnosed very quickly after this. Needless to say, I completely understand how invalidating it can be to be diagnosed later in life as a woman.
I am in the process of getting medicated, and I have been once again questioning whether or not I have ADHD, despite having a diagnosis. I was called lazy my whole life, usually by friends and family in a joking-not-really-joking manner, and I internalized this deeply. I would love to say that a diagnosis fixed everything, but I still continue to deal with the repercussions of the medical gaslighting , as well as the imposter syndrome.
That being said, I hope you are able to find a really good doctor who may be able to assist you with your diagnosis, because I truly am grateful that I was able to get mine. It can feel so validating and you can start looking for ways to actually help, not just self help books written for neurotypical people. Good luck!!!
"I was called lazy my whole life, usually by friends and family in a joking-not-really-joking manner, and I internalized this deeply" Same here. And it's more than just lazy, but yeah. I know with all my heart they don't mean it harshly, but it still hurts. Thank you for sharing your story with me
Without my meds, I am not motivated. One needs dopamine for motivation, especially after menopause. Menopause diminished what little working memory I had left. Men don't have the same hormones we do. I know I've internalized so much of the shame around what I could or would not do (according to others such as family) They just don't have any frame of reference.
I was diagnosed 5 months ago at age 64. I never even suspected I had it until my adult kid was diagnosed 15 months earlier and kept strongly suggesting I get assessed as well. I though my anxiety was due to childhood trauma / PTSD because the same symptoms can be caused by many different things. I had been seeing a MF Therapist for 2 years when I finally saw a psychiatrist (online). She had me fill out two questionnaires, one for PTSD and one for ADHD. The score on the top half of the ADHD questionnaire was 3 out of 6 yeses; 4 out of 6 would have been conclusive. So she tried me on anti-anxiety meds first. Very very low doses until after 3 months I was on the full ‘low recommended dose’. After 6 days on that dose, it was obvious that my attentiveness and focus was Extremely Worse. So after weaning off that drug, I started on Ritalin and the success was Dramatic. As you mentioned, I’ve rethought all my past life and see how the ADHD (combination type) matches up.
BUT, the same symptoms could be PTSD / Trauma / Adverse Childhood Experiences.
Find a psychiatrist that specializes in both PTSD and ADHD.
I was always an ‘A’ student in school and never failed to turn in work. I worked for 10 years on Defense satellites with a Secret clearance and was considered one of the top employees in my departments.
I have always been regarded as a highly responsible adult … this is because I developed life-skills that included checklists and reminders and a priority to put others’ needs ahead of my own. I am only now learning to properly care for my own needs. I am continuing to see my therapist as well because there is also Childhood trauma and PTSD to resolve and heal.
Keep reading about ADHD and maybe check out the Vlog on YouTube called “How to ADHD”.
"I have always been regarded as a highly responsible adult … this is because I developed life-skills that included checklists and reminders and a priority to put others’ needs ahead of my own." This is so relatable! I also did really well in school except in very few subjects, but it seemed normal. No one is excellent at everything. However, I did have to work super hard to maintain my grades and make up for what I now believe to be my ADHD (losing focus, lack of motivation, etc.)"How to ADHD" is the reason why I realized I might have ADHD in the first place
Yes! I have used Anxiety to keep me motivated when nothing else would. Now that I’m getting medication to treat the ADHD and now that i can see and understand it, the Anxiety related to the ADHD has mostly gone away. It’s strange because I’ve relied on that Anxiety all my life to help me get things done. Now I can’t use it anymore even if I wanted to!! I have had to learn to accept myself as I am and not carry the burden of ‘always reliable’ anymore. I think it will take me a couple of years to find a new lifestyle that doesn’t constantly damage me internally. Hugs.
That's so interesting. I keep wondering how I would be like without my ADHD. I don't hate it or anything, but the negative aspects of it have been snowballing and I'm starting to worry what might happen if I don't get a handle on it soon. I've been relying so heavily on anxiety and other coping techniques to keep up with life, I can't imagine what it would be like to not have them. I don't remember what it's like to not be constantly anxious about something, to not see the potential danger in every little thing. I'm so glad your anxiety has mostly gone away <3
I hope you find that lifestyle sooner rather than later <3
Hi! You are absolutely not alone! Women are socialized to be so much more internalizing and people pleasing, starting at such a young age. It's hard to pick up on ADHD with girls. Researchers' understanding of ADHD was for a very long time based on how young boys presented--girls often went under-diagnosed unless they presented similarly to boys. TikTok has a fantastic ADHD support community that can help you tease out some of these questions you have. It's a great resource, but definitely look for a psychologist who is knowledgeable about ADHD to get your answers.
The anxiety I experienced in my 20s stemmed from undiagnosed ADHD and an inability to understand what on earth was wrong with me. After getting on Adderall and learning about my ADHD patterns, I'm able to understand when anxiety emerges it's because of issues surrounding the management of ADHD (e.g., I'm burning out/struggling meeting goals/behind on tasks/avoiding what I need to do).
Good luck on your journey of self-understanding. It can be crazy-making being dismissed by so many unknowledgeable, presumptuous professionals, but it's worth pushing.
Hi LAlexandia, it’s serendipitous you wrote this post! I was literally thinking of writing a similar post a day ago. I too struggle with major imposter syndrome and am in process of getting a diagnosis for adult adhd. I am a male but a lot of my presentations at this stage of life seem more in line with how females present. I don’t know, I’m just figuring it out. Anyways I am low-income and couldn’t afford those extensive Adhd diagnosis’ that people talk about that are thousands of dollars. Luckily in Washington state there is a free health insurance for low-income individuals and I recently got signed up. They don’t care about preexisting conditions which is nice, however many doctors and psychiatrists don’t accept it. I live in a really rural community and thank god there’s a low-income clinic who takes my health insurance, and they have a psychiatrist who works there who is helping me with the diagnosis. Like you I came across a random video clip of Trevor Noah on 60 minutes talking about his depression being related to his adhd. I’ve been struggling with depression since I was a teenager and anxiety the last couple years. Something wasn’t slicking with SSRI’s it’s helped lightly but as soon as I saw Trevor Noah’s video for some reason I jumped into researching adhd. My sister had sent me a really great 2-episode podcast exploring adhd in depth with experts in the field, check it out it’s called ‘Ologies with Alie Ward - Adhd Part 1 & Part 2’ She sent it to me a few months ago and I didn’t check it out. As soon as I saw Trevor talk about his adhd I listened to those podcast and it blew my mind, like it did for you, looking back through life there are so many aspects of life that just made sense, both my behavior and the consequences of my behavior. Anyways. I totally relate just a day or two ago I was like, do I really have this disorder? And my psychiatrist is still working on the diagnosis, she doesn’t specialize in adhd but she’s willing to learn and she did an hour long evaluation and it’s definitive I have adhd but she wants to be really sure so she’s having my mom fill out a childhood evaluation of me, and my partner fill out an adult evaluation form for me. Just to be more sure. I don’t know what else to say besides, we love you, you are loved, and just keep doing what you can with the resources you have. It has been an uphill climb, but your life probably has been already. I’m just looking forward to having some level-ground in my future. Best of luck <3
Thank you for your heartfelt post <3 I am so glad you were able to get a diagnosis. It's incredible that your psychiatrist was willing to hear you out and actually went out of her way to help you.
I don't live in the US and I'm pretty doubtful that there's anyone near me who is educated on the non-obvious aspects of ADHD. Your post has inspired me to try my luck with a psychiatrist I've been wanting to visit and explain to her the situation. Maybe she too would be willing to learn more about this.
It is painfully common for women to not be diagnosed with adhd until we're adults and able to self-advocate. I was diagnosed when I was 24, after completing college and high school as a b's and c's student. I couldn't get myself to just sit down and do the work. I was a procrastinator who just had a constant inner monologue of "I should be working" and I just couldn't, and I didn't know why. I was told my anxiety/depression/PTSD were the reason for my struggle and just accepted that and figured I was a terrible student. I felt like such a failure and started therapy after college and was even told by my therapist that I "lacked motivation" which like, duh. But she insinuated that I think I deserve more than I work for. I never considered I had adhd until it was suggested to me by a psychiatrist who observed me just for 15 minutes. She asked if I had ever been diagnosed with it or had it suggested and I totally dismissed it because I had been told most of my life that I was just lazy and "didn't want to do the things I didn't find interesting," which must just be because I'm "lazy". It was terrible to not trust myself to be productive. Women are commonly not diagnosed because we are told, and it is in the DSM, that the symptoms to look for to diagnose adhd are those displayed typically by boys and men. Women and girls are socialized totally differently and display totally different symptoms. Feel free to message me to talk about it if you want. I suggest you find a self assessment worksheet online. I was diagnosed by filling out that worksheet and checking off my symptoms. The vital criteria is that you demonstrate symptoms in all or most areas of your life. Professional, personal, romantic/social, sometimes even financial, as well as throughout childhood. And those symptoms can change as we grow up. I have generalized anxiety disorder and for most of my life I was anxious all of the time because I was using my anxiety to try to "parent" or compensate for my adhd symptoms. Now that I know how my brain works, I actually find myself relaxing and unmasking more. Dont give up. You know yourself best.
I did take multiple self assessments online, the problem is I now don't know what to do with them. I think that my anxiety is also one of the main reasons why my ADHD has gone unnoticed. The incessant fear of messing up sort of made up for the lack of motivation. I also think a part of me relaxes in a way the more I learn about ADHD, which is mainly why I want to get a formal diagnosis. Rather than questioning and criticizing my shortcomings, I'd much rather be focusing that energy on learning how to actually live my life, ADHD and all.
Thank you for sharing your story <3
I would love to chat. I still haven't done anything and I kind of feel alone and overwhelmed by all this. It's also great to get perspective from people who are actually diagnosed. It validates my suspicions and makes me feel less like an imposter
I think I relax too the more I learn. Find yourself a psychiatrist or psychologist in your area and set up an appointment. Bring your worksheets/self-assessments with you and tell them your concerns and about your experiences and that you think it is adhd. Be ready, though, that they might challenge you because women and girls show symptoms differently. Wishing you luck!
Me too, woman with late diagnosis here, with a family of origin who does not seem very interested in hearing about or learning about ADHD despite the fact that a couple of them probably have it too. I felt the same way that you did here - worried that I was like, coopting the diagnosis. But I haven't run into any NTs who "want" to be adhd so I wonder if our experience of worrying we're imposters is a good sign that we're not...
Do you use instagram or tiktok? There are so many videos that people make about how ADHD manifests in their day to day lives that are so much more relatable than the medical checklists. Like, how we can get too hyperfocused on a task to remember to eat or pee. Or having poor proprioception so we bump into things all the time. Plus they are often funny or have good coping strategies. Three favorites on IG: @ humanity_hive @ hayley.honeyman @xadultingwithadhdx
Obviously these videos are not medical tools or diagnostics but these videos gave me two things - 1) confidence that there was something going on for a professional to evaluate beyond anxiety and 2) reassurance that I am not alone. I also tend to send clips to my spouse and other people who want to support me so they can better understand the little everyday things.
Last thing, you said that you don't want to burden your family if you do indeed have adhd. You're not a burden, friend. It's just something different to learn & navigate. So choosing your support system carefully is a wise move because some folks don't know how to support others doing that without making it about them. And even that can be learned. Good luck!
I did start following some ADHD pages on IG and they always do help me feel better. I haven't come across the ones you suggested, I'll check em out, thank you! (I did not know bumping into stuff was a part of it! Now it makes sense why I actually put screen protector on my watches (regular and otherwise) lol!)
There were times when I did want to share some of these videos with my friends and family to be like "See? It's not just me!" haha.
I hear what you're saying about having a support system. I hope I can get diagnosed soon so I can finally let it all go and tell them everything.
Thank you for your message <3
Hi LAlexandria. I’m a male and was diagnosed a few years ago at 52. I was recruited to a new company and found my ability to learn and retain the new information was challenging, my memory was getting really bad, and I had. Horrible time focusing and procrastinating. I finally went and saw my regular GP and he asked if I’d ever been evaluated for ADHD. I never even thought about it. I thought it was just aging.
I filled out a few forms and he came back in and said I scored high and he started me on meds. They helped immediately, but it’s taken some time to get the right med and dose. I’ve learned to recognize some of my behaviors and triggers. Also had to learn to turn off notifications for all the communication things at work. I’m constantly changing gears and getting interrupted so focus is tough. I have also recently started seeing a therapist and he working with me to focus on myself instead of everyone else.
Work is always 200 mph and I’m on medical leave right now because my symptoms have come back with a vengeance. I’ve had some issues at home and was completely overwhelmed at work. Taking this leave to focus on my mental health is the best thing I’ve ever done. Gave me downtime. Now it’s time to get to work so I don’t have another meltdown. Strongly considering changing jobs but that’s tough when your my age. We’ll see.
I'm so sorry you've been struggling. I've been lucky I never got in actual trouble at work thanks to my boss's flexibility and understanding (I'm a teacher and the school I work at is kind of like organized chaos so it's been working to my favor.) I can't imagine ever working an office job or anything that requires constant focus. I get to move around a lot at work, socialize, and jump between different tasks without it affecting my work. It is kind of an ADHD friendly environment, now that I think about it.
Anyway, I don't have much advice or solutions to offer you since I'm new to this all and haven't even had professional help yet, but the one thing I can suggest is you try to find a job that can provide you with a safe environment, one where there's less pressure, deadlines are not as critical, and preferably where moving around regularly is an option.
For retaining information, I rely heavily on note-taking, to-do lists, reminders, and powerpoint presentations. Listening to music helps my focus immensely, and I'm not talking about classical music. I mean songs with multiple instruments playing at once and lyrics. I think of it as something that grounds my chaotic brain; it keeps the ADHD side of me entertained so that the rest of my mind can focus on the task at hand, if that makes sense.
Music helps me focus too. When I'm long calls or video calls for work I pick from a few YouTube videos of aquariums or the ocean with instrumental music.
I apologize for this late response, LAlexandria. However, I'll be happy to share each step, I took along the way which eventually led to my diagnoses, and medication for ADHD. I'll keep each step as short as possible.
[1] I was extremely fortunate to find a primary care physician who was kind, patient, and most importantly -- believed in me!
[2] A couple years passed. And none of the medication combinations worked to ease my conditions.
[3] My doctor told me, he'd reached the limit of his knowledge regarding my mental state. And asked, if I would agree to take a Neuropsychological Evaluation -- I agreed.
[4] The Evaluation: Consisted of one [8 hour day] where a battery of timed tests will be given; consisting of puzzles to solve, both written and with objects. There will also be Four [1 hour sessions] -- alone with the lead psychologist. Those one hour sessions, felt like the hardest part of the evaluation, at least for me, due to how personal in nature most questions were.
[5] Receiving your 25-35 page, personal "Feedback" packet. You spend 1-hour with the Neuropsychologists, while he goes over your packet, and explains his impressions learned about you from the different one hour sessions, how you preformed on all the different tests/puzzles taken during the 8-hour day. As well as the formal DSM-V diagnoses, and an outline of the treatment you can show your Dr or psychiatrist.
[6] Since I had such a wonderful primary care physician, he followed the information provided in my treatment outline, and started me on ADHD medication. I truly couldn't believe how much my quality of life improved.
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ADHD woman
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GAD and ADHD 
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