How do I follow through?! Looking for parenting strategies

[LaurenCD]

I am a single mother of 2 children (10F and 13F). I have and ADHD dx and my oldest child does as well. I am increasingly frustrated with myself and how I manage my household. I suck at follow through! I come up with awesome ideas to get the kids to help me with chores or to stay on top of them, but then I forget to follow through! I also have a hard time with discipline. I feel like I'm doing it all myself and doing my kids a great disservice by not sharing the responsibility in the home and providing them with the structure they need. I'm looking for some concrete tips and strategies. Saying "start a reward system" is not going to help me. I have tried every reward system known to man and if I stuck with them they would probably be effective in the long run. I have tried whiteboards and family calendars. I feel like nothing I try works and my kids are going to grow up not knowing how to do anything!

[Doodledoodledoo]

first of all, I think us ADHDers can be really hard on ourselves and we tend to see the chaos and everything we are not doing, and sometimes we forget to recognize all the good hard work we are doing. So I recommend starting off by thinking about everything you’re already doing great for your kids. Being a single mother is no joke, and adding two ADHDers into the mix brings it to a whole other level. You’re holding it all together, (even if there is some chaos in that) you’re keeping your kids healthy and happy, and you’ve said that you’re trying new strategies all the time to make things better, which shows your effort and dedication to your family and your household, so start by trying to recognize that. You are doing amazingly, you don’t suck at anything, you just have a LOT on your plate, more than the average person, and it’s completely understandable that it’s hard to keep it all under control. You might have to embrace a little chaos and let your baseline expectations soften a little bit …. Like “yes sometimes our house is messy, and that’s ok.”

Next, recognize that you might need some help, and try to brainstorm some ways to find it. If you can afford to hire help, definitely do that ! But if not, think do you have any family or close friends nearby who would stop by to help out once a week, every other week, or monthly? You could have them distract you while you fold laundry, or even just ask them to fold the laundry or vacuum while you do the dishes! Someone who loves you and who doesn’t have as much on their plate will probably be happy to do this at least once in a while. You can also barter with them for their help if asking for help seems too uneven. There’s no shame in asking for help. For me mothering with ADHD has been extremely humbling and I’m learning how to recognize that asking for help is healthy and ok. Even if it’s just finding someone (or a few people) you can regularly do long phone calls with, for some reason I find it way easier to walk around the house doing chores while I’m gabbing on the phone with someone.

And wether or not you can find outside help, another thing I do is to try to harness the hyperfocus superpower. You know what motivates you better than I do, but for me it’s distraction, urgency, rewards … tell your kids that there’s a once a week “power chores” time. Put on loud music, pick a finite amount of time, and the three of you divide and conquer the house in an intense episode, and then go out for ice cream or something after it.

Lastly- ask your kids to take some agency in this. They are old enough to brainstorm strategies with you and to help you problem solve this. It will be great for them, especially the one with ADHD to see how you’re trying to problem solve this.

Oh and one more thing! You said you’ve tried all sorts of different systems and none of them worked. I’m going to bet that actually all (or most) of them worked, but only for a period of time. Likely they worked while they were new, and once the novelty of the system wore off, they stopped working. That’s ok, that’s not a failure, that’s how our ADHD brains work. Having a new system every few weeks actually is a system in itself.

You’re doing so much for your family, you’re clearly a great mom. Please give yourself some credit for that, and give yourself a hug from me!

[BlueTrails in reply to Doodledoodledoo]

So well said doodledoodledo! I needed to hear all of this as I’m sure many of us ADHD parents did. I second the power chores hour. We actually do 10 minutes regularly because it keeps our chaos under control. I would add that boiling down the chores I ask of my kids to the simplest most consistent element has worked too. For example, my kids do their own laundry and have been since they were about your kids ages. It’s hard to watch their laundry pile up and feel like a bad mom when they go to soccer practice in smelly clothes but they took ownership and figured out that it was up to them. Its something that I can have a boundary about (I’m not going to do your laundry, period) directly effects them (teens and preteens care about their appearance usually) and takes a big chore off my to do list. Sometimes I support them (let’s watch your favorite show together and fold laundry!) but it’s not my problem if it doesn’t get done. Hang in there! It is so hard to be a single parent. You’re doing great!

[LaurenCD in reply to Doodledoodledoo]

Thank you so much for the kind words and encouragement. I try to be nice to myself as much as possible. I do believe that I'm doing a good job for the most part. I think the struggle for me is more about getting the kids to help than getting it done. It all gets done, but I'm the one doing most of it. For example, if one if my kids make a mess of some kind (like not wiping up the mayo after they make a sandwich), I will just take the to 2 seconds to clean it up instead of making them come back to do it themselves because I don't want to have to deal with the attitude I would get from them because if they did give me attitude I would have to do something about it. I don't discipline enough because it is hard to follow through with whatever consequence I give. It is also hard to be consistent with expectations. I just feel overwhelmed because I'm trying to do it all myself when they should be doing much more than they are. They leave a wake of mess behind them and they are becoming quite spoiled (I know this is my own fault). The power chore idea sounds great, like a field day Thursday type thing. What about the daily things that need to be done? How do I get them to not leave a mess in their wake? I can't deal with 30 minute long tantrums when I ask them to leave whatever it is they are doing to go wipe the mayo off the counter. The ADHD motivation is not there to deal with the "it gets worse before it gets better". 😭😭

One other struggle I have is remembering I have told one of them to do something in the future. For example, if I tell them to do some kind of chore or task after they are done with whatever or when they come home from school. I forget to check up on it and it doesn't get done. This happens all the time! I forget to check on the things they are supposed to be doing on their own on a daily basis. Does this happen to anyone else? How do you manage?

[Slmndrs]

I think reward systems are usually a dumb option for people with ADHD and executive function issues. Deferring gratification and extrinsic rewards (ie, not pleasure or satisfaction) based on abstraction makes no sense for us, and and trying to administer a system to someone else is a ton of the organizational work we tend to not be great at.

[LaurenCD in reply to Slmndrs]

I'm sorry reward systems didn't work for you, but they can be excellent motivators for some individuals with ADHD especially if the reward is "worth it". I do agree that administering the system is a struggle and that's usually why they don't end up working for my household.

[ChildWrangler]

I agree you’re an Amazing Mom! I am also abysmal with follow through and agree that every reward system I’ve tried has failed. As far as the tasks that you asked to get done when they get home from school but they forget or you forget to follow up on . . . Have you tried a “Fair Warning” call? I think of it as that phrase that an auctioneer says right before they lower the gavel and say “Sold!” It lets your kiddos have a chance to complete the task before they loose their opportunity to do that task and then face a consequence for not having done it. I generally call my kids as I’m getting in the car to leave work and drive home. Or if the commute isn’t long enough can you set a text to deliver automatically in the future? Then compose a reminder text, set it for the future, and see if that works.

Have you tried creating a reward system for yourself that is in full view of your kids? You make a poster board/sticker chart for your self, put it on the fridge, fill it in — even if it’s only 3 days in a row and then give yourself a treat, in full view of your kids. It may help take the follow through off your plate if they see that they can complete the task and reward themselves (Not sure of your kiddos ages so this may not work.)

I’m also guilty of the “it’s just easier to do it myself” than deal with the attitude way of thinking. One way I’ve pushed back on the attitude is to model the behavior they are exhibiting back to them. Often the attitude/behavior is so ingrained that the aren’t fully aware they are exhibiting it. (I find this works especially well with whining!) If I ask for something to get done and then give a kind reminder, and get attitude— I give it right back. Sometimes this helps.

Lastly in desperation a few times I’ve done a “Hard Reset” if the day has gone terribly, they’ve not listened or done anything they’ve been asked that was reasonable and reasonably requested, if there was Significant Attitude, if I totally lost my cool and yelled or made threats (I’m going to get rid of the cats if you don’t clean the litter box this minute!!) then I go in the garage and turn the breaker to the house off. It always works to get everyone’s attention. If I want to try again or apologize I may, but generally I just say, “Huh? Well I guess we’ll have to go out to eat/play a game/hang out outside.” If you’re not able to do that or the hassle is too much, sometimes the WiFi mysteriously stops working in my neighborhood as well.

Last I’ll leave you with my most successful consequence, matching socks. I decided I could outsource this task pretty easily to kiddos who are misbehaving and the age range is not a barrier either. Mine range from 10 to 17. All the kids need socks, all the kids want to wear them, and for some reason they care to have them matched. So if they are giving me grief I assign them a number of matches to make. (Gives them a chance to cool down and since I have a large hamper of mismatched socks the difficulty is not too easy.) They have to give them to me when they’re done. If I get a sincere or seemingly sincere apology I’ll give them back so they can benefit from the fruits of their labor. If everything is still “Stupid” I keep the matches for myself. Of course this may not work for you but if is a “terrible” punishment in my house for some reason and often I can threaten “10 pairs” and get an attitude adjustment real quick. Is there anything like that in your household that might work as a disincentive to attitude?

Good luck, hang in there, we’re all here in the trenches with you!

[New-Diagnosis]

Hi, LaurenCD. Hang in there. You sound like a great mom! I can relate to the inability to tolerate fall-out from setting a boundary/insisting on helping around the house -- and I end up doing way too much myself. My husband (non-ADHD) is even more uncomfortable with insisting on sharing the chores with our daughter. We were in this pattern all my daughter's childhood, not knowing she has fairly severe ADHD (thought it was depression, anxiety, (both treated), and a learning disability -- and that her 504 at school was enough help + us not demanding she do more at home so she could keep up with school). I also have recently-diagnosed moderate ADHD.

Fast forward -- we now have a 22-year-old who refuses ADHD meds. and struggles with basic life skills. She is very stuck. The pandemic was the final straw and she dropped out of college (forfeiting a great scholarship) and moved back home. She isn't working or volunteering either. It's been an extremely difficult time attempting to help her move forward, while managing our own lives, as we have less leverage to reach out to her therapist or to now insist that she take meds. and steps towards "adulting."

This year, I've gotten more support for myself and we are setting better boundaries and expectations, but there is SO far to go. The reason for this long story is that I constantly wish we could go backwards and have higher expectations of her, even though it would've been hard. We thought we were doing her (and us) a favor by being lenient. I'm not saying you will have a similar outcome, but you do have limited time when your kids are still under your care and can gain life skills more easily.

Good luck to you!

[Mkkell]

I don't have any good suggestions here but just solidarity. My kids are 4 and 6 and already showing strong adhd symptoms and struggling in school. I feel like I'm uniquely unable to provide the structure and routine they need since structure and routine are hard for me. I'm trying to focus on the fact that I AM really good at loving my kids and boosting their self worth and emotional intelligence. Those things will serve them too.