Divorce and ADHD - How do you navigate it?

[CraftTGurl]

I've been married for nearly 30 years and my husband decided recently he wants a divorce. He's always looked at my ADHD as an excuse (which I've never used it to excuse myself from anything, but rather to explain why certain behaviors occur - or don't occur as it may be) and never seemed interested in doing any of the things I expressed would help me.

Now I am trying to navigate this divorce and just feel like I need someone to be my mental advocate when I am not picking up on the things in the moment that are being discussed. My brain catches up later and realizes that maybe what I agreed to wasn't in my best interest. I hate how I keep second guessing myself. I'm fortunate enough to have seven years of weekly therapy under my belt, so I know to ask for what I deserve. But I think I'm so afraid of getting it wrong.

I know when I get on the other side of this I am going to make darn sure that I start something like a resource for people with ADHD who are going through divorce, or a hub to lead them to the resources, because maybe I'm just not doing the right search phrases

Any advice is welcomed and appreciated.

P.S. Have I mentioned I haven't been in the work world since 2009?

[Doomann]

Hi CraftTGurlI don't know if you are excepting virtual hugs but I will freely give you one and if you live anywhere near vancouver wa. I would happily take you out to food and coffee. Let me start out with sorrow for your situation you see my wife and I have been married for over 28 years, a little over 10 years ago my wife became fully disabled and I have been her full time caregiver ever since and a little before then. I can't even imagine life without my wife I work full time and take care of her when im not at work. I get a breaks every 2 hours and call her every break to check on her.

About 3 years ago I was assaulted that assault left me pretty badly injured both mentally and physically. I struggle every day to do both of these jobs. You see all my life being undiagnosed or treated for my ADHD i learned how to mask my emotions of wich now I suffer with emotional dysregulation wich is now interfering with my job and my wife. But I refuse to stop trying I love my wife she is my true best friend.

So we had a house fire years ago there was no one that helped us go through that so please if I can help I would love to try. 💜HUGS 💜 thank you for reading Doomann

[CraftTGurl in reply to Doomann]

I love that you are trying with your wife and I am sure she appreciates all you do, even if it may not feel like it. My parents were married for 56 years when my mother died after an 8-year battle with a tough degenerative muscle disease. My father was like you, dutifully taking care of her. It was tough, but he knew that's what his vows said. That's the way I felt too. I've worked hard over the past 7 years to figure out how I can be the best me, and it started with not letting my husband shame me for simply being who I am. I simply told him what I was capable of instead of trying to live up to his expectations that I would fall woefully below and would just feel so badly about myself. That's no way to live. Things changed for me when I let him know what to expect from me, but that I was always striving to be my best - and that wasn't just lip service. Neurotypicals have such a hard time understanding that every minute of every day is so very hard for us ADHDers. And I would give his words thought, but EVERYONE who knows me said they don't know anyone who tries harder than me. It's been over the past 7 years I've realized that my husband is a covert narcissist. I am abundantly empathetic simply because of my struggles, so I've always kindly tried to shepherd him to seek help. He went to therapy for about 3 months. I think when it started to get to the point where he had to look inward, he couldn't handle it and he quit. From there it just went further and further downhill. But I was still the optimist, always believing there was a chance because I was doing my work. But I think my strength just scared him too much - plus I was no longer his "source." I was doing what was best for me, while still being caring towards him, but no longer making sure his needs were met first. I guess he didn't care for that. I know I will be better on the other side of this, because he was poison for my soul. He was the one person in my life who I just couldn't seem to have an open, loving relationship with because his love was just so conditional. I hope he one day learns of how he affects those around him, but I fear he never will.

Thanks for reaching out. We just visited Vancouver - loved it! But alas, I live in Houston. My best to you and your blessed wife.

[Doomann in reply to CraftTGurl]

Hi CraftTGurl You sound like a beautiful person and it would seam the divorce is warranted on both sides I agree don't let him walk over you like Cocacola2 said.

As for my wife and I we are like that movie What Dreams may come

You know with Robin Williams

especially this scene youtu.be/lsRI6u8znA8?si=0qc...(Not working as expected?)

I hope you can find someone like what we have.

We are soul mates.

And the hardest thing my wife struggles with now is with my dysregulation of my emotions and how I won't fight with her anymore I don't want to be the angry guy anymore and now I struggle with sadness after going over 30 years without it (feeling sadness/depression) and now it can over wealms me from time to time. It's so hard to be her Superman of wich she still calls me that today well SuperDuper anyways but it means the same thing.

Good luck to you

Thank you for reading

Doomann

[Cocacola2]

Thirty years of marriage, and he wants a divorce just like that? It's truly shocking. My advice is to be cautious and not take his word at face value. If something isn't explicitly stated in the divorce papers, it's not guaranteed to happen. As trusting and emotional beings, we often seek quick resolutions to tough situations. Please, allow yourself to process and cry it out before consulting with your a lawyer or meeting with your ex. Remember, divorce has now become a business deal, and it's important to keep emotions out of it.

Consider starting an exercise routine to channel your frustration and perhaps look into a part-time job to begin exploring new opportunities. The world is your oyster.

[wtfadhd in reply to Cocacola2]

i agree with cococola. from experience, and hindsite is 20/20, keep emotions 100 % out of the divorce. it seems counterintuitive, bc marriage n divorce are both very personal and emotional situations. but as u wrote- divorce is a business.

great practical advice.

[Spud-u-Like1982]

Hi CraftTGurl,Sorry to hear about your current predicament. I too am going through a relationship breakdown with my partner of nearly 7 years. I am only recently diagnosed with ADHD, but I have diagnosed OCD and there has been potential evidence of autism. My other half has mental health issues and she says I'm taking too long trying 'to fix myself' and get better.

I too would like to find resources regarding relationship breakdowns and mental health. She is a nurse and very uncaring and unkind given the work she does, whereas I'm the total opposite and overly empathetic, which was one of the reasons I never thought I could be autistic.