I don't want to live like this anymore. How do you get through this? Sorry for being a lame crybaby. Not seeking pity just venting

[Feliciana7]

I'm almost 38. I've known since I was little that I had ADHD and autism from being tested. But I didn't know it would follow me throughout life. I thought the older I got, it would just go away. Like it was a thing for kids. Boy am I so wrong. This crap is ruining my life and relationships. I'm all over the place, I have amazing ideas and complete absolutely nothing. I either hyper focus or straight up stuck and zoned out, cursing myself out on the inside for being such a bum when I know I'm such an amazing person. I'm constantly crying, angry and mad but you'd think I was the happiest person on earth. I try to be but I'm always so pissy, unmotivated and everyone to me.... Thinks I'm stupid, ugly, lazy, a problem, just deals with me or puts up with me or whatever. I have absolutely nothing to show for myself but having awesome sauce, super cool, super amazing and super smart and intelligent children. Most people with ADHD and autism, from what I've heard, have amazing super powers. I most like wasn't mentally present when that was being passed out. I'm just here. Just boring, chaotic me. No gifts, no talents, professional masker and I've taken on so many personalities that I can't even find myself to bring her to the surface to save us from my own destruction. I feel like I'm moonwalking. I have nothing going for myself. People say, "well find something". I DONT KNOW WHAT IM LOOKING FOR!!!!!! I have nothing, no talent, horrible speaker and most of the times I just want to disappear because why am I even here anyway.... Like FOR FREAKIN WHAT??????????? I'm not smart, dropped out, tried my GED, failed multiple times, can't keep a job because I hate working and get bored easily and will find the First excuse to quit. But I'm always the best at whatever because I have to be competitive with myself.

I HATE IT HERE!!!!!!!!

[Prussic]

Welcome Feliciana7! This a safe place to unmask and be yourself. I’m sorry for the pain you are having and want to say thanks for being vulnerable and transparent. You are not alone! I think many of us have had the same thoughts or still do at times.

I’m 47, male, married with two daughters. My oldest shared my ADHD and bi-polar and is also on the spectrum.

I’ve struggled with holding down jobs, finishing school, supporting my family, etc. I look at other men my age and wonder why I’m a mess and they have their shit together. The things I say to myself about myself I wouldn’t say to my worst enemy..

My wife tolerates me but has said I make her life harder and that she’d never have married me if she knew about my mental problems.

I hear what you are saying and wish I could say it’ll get better. I CAN say there are things to help. My top three helps -

1. Own. Your. Shit. When I forget, impulse anything, etc, I own it. I apologize, listen to whom ever I affected, and look for ways to compensate so the behavior isn’t repeated. Use phone alarms, sticky notes, etc. No excuses. I’m not perfect but the times I do this the more help I get.

I wrecked my relationship with my oldest girl because I was, in her words, “ kinda an ass” unmedicated. She didn’t know if she would get manic daddy or sad daddy or if promises would be kept. After years of meds and therapy on my part she’ll text things that are helping her brain and ask me what helps mine. I’ve apologized and she told me recently that she’s trying to put that behind her, my past actions, and asked me to just listen if she needs to bring something up.

2. Transparency and being real. I stopped hiding. I stated being more open about my diagnosis and my problems compensating for them. I stopped making excuses and started taking agency over my brain. My therapist helps tremendously. I owned my brain and am slowly starting to enjoy it. Most folks will understand. Others won’t. The ones who won’t? They can pound sand.

You ever ridden a horse? My uncle taught me to ride and rope and the first thing he taught me was to let the horse get to know you. Be quiet. Gentle. Slow. That’s how my brain and I relate. I’m getting to know it and understand it and take cautious slow rides. We may never win the Kentucky Derby but long relaxing trail rides are better anyway

3. Be kind to yourself. Andrew Peterson wrote a song with that title. It’s pretty good and I think it’s on Spotify. I’m learning to be kind, not easy, on myself. Do the thing but if it’s not perfect, etc, man it’s cool. It’s hard sure but treat yourself te way you would treat your best friend. Easy to say I know. Dude, it works. The less time I spend drill sargenting myself the better I feel and more motivated to improve 1% the next day. CELEBRATE WINS DUDE! Maybe not balloons and parades but still. Remember the thing you usually forget because you had a sticky or alarm? Get a Coke! Tell someone who will understand and celebrate with you. Get your taxes, or your part of them, done early? Get a _______! My point is that you’ll win something each day. Not every moment is mired in suckitude.

Meds, therapy, books, podcasts, etc are all helpful.

I missed the whole ND superpower thing too. I was either late, in the wrong line, forgot . . . but that doesn’t mean I can’t brighten my small corner of the universe in a small way. I’m sure you can as well. It’s brutally hard work but oh so worth it.

I live in the mountains in Virginia and after a long cold, hard winter the jonquils bloom and the mountains put on a white and pink dress of dogwood flowers and I see a reminder that beauty was just around the corner no matter how cold, hard, and barren my mountain looked in January.

Maybe your life is a frozen January now.

Dogwoods and jonquils are comin’. Look for ‘em in unexpected places. It helps me.

[Mamamichl]

I felt similar for a while. Something that helped was intensive outpatient therapy. It’s like a full time job but to explore yourself with a professional and peers that are going through similar thoughts. I’m also starting DBT, and although it’s intense, I think it will help me with the all or nothing thinking and mood swings.

[troubledchild123]

Hey, Feliciana, I know exactly how you feel. For the longest time I would hate myself over being who I was, not knowing how to help myself and how to feel better. Its not easy being your worst enemy especially in situations when you know somethings your fault. The harsh reality of life doesn't make us feel any better: we have to work to eat, we barely have enough time to explore our interest and put on top of that children, the effort to get where we want to go (working twice as hard as other people sometimes), etc.

My advice would be to not be so harsh on yourself. Try to focus on your life's priorities: Children, taking care of your mental and physical health and so on. If you feel stuck, I would ask you what you truly want in a realistic way. Understand who you are by looking at your life's circumstances (keep in mind these don't always define you). Is it a life style? A hobby? Some time for yourself? An artistic endeavor? Money? What do you most struggle with? Consistency? Time management? ADHD? Autism?

What has worked for me in the past is knowing that sometimes in life you have to be okay with who you are, instead of persecuting your self over what you're not. Its great to have accomplishments and its normal to look at other people and think less of yourself. But you cant compare yourself with others because, well... we are not those people. Great for them, but trust me when I say self pity gets your nowhere. I reiterate: its okay to feel like this just don't define yourself based on a feeling that can go away...

Try to really put into words what it is you really want and create an attack plan targeting each individual task in order to accomplish your goal. Be realistic about your time and goals (if you have problems with this talk to someone that can help). Above all, find relief in knowing there are other people like you. Trust me I know it sucks feeling like you got skipped out of one of those brains. I, like you, don't feel very bright in any area of my life. After talking to a therapist however I realized that getting to know my brain and how it works, forgiving myself when i fuck up and just keep trying is all anybody does. So just keep trying and when you feel lost, look for someone that can help you deal with your feelings in a non judgmental way. Hope my message helps you.

[FocusAndFlow]

Well, I would say a couple of things:

1. Slow down, breathe. You're moving too fast and it shows in your writing. I totally get it, mind you. I was there a year ago and I still have pretty bad days, but for the most part, I'd say the right supplements and meditation for sure, but also the right diet and consistent exercise are your friends to learn to apply the brakes. Right now, my dear, you need to give yourself one. Take it from a 51yo guy who was diagnosed closed to two years ago and has lost nearly everything AND has been looking for work for a solid year. Fun.

2. I'd stay away from all the 'super power' talk, because none of us really have those, and not measuring up to whatever image that conjures up in our minds only adds to the self-flagellation.

3. 'Super power' talk aside, we all have great gifts and abilities that we share with others, only everyone is a bit different and is a bit more or less capable in any given dimension/ability. I suggest you start making Self-Compassion your special ability. Those of us with ADHD have learned the hard way what that means, and even when you put it in practice, the days can be very hard. That said, it does get easier and more manageable.

4. Based on what you wrote, it sounds to me as if impulse control is at the very core of your symtoms. I'd work on that first to see what other facets of ADHD and your autism play into your every day. Again, meditation will help you greatly apply the brakes, if you will, and even finding them! It took me months, but I'm not only using them much better, but I am also shifting through the gears much better, versus being stuck in first gear at 20k RPM's like a late 80s Formula One car. I hope the metaphor makes sense.

5. I'd bring it a bit to center in your word use and phrasing: You go from berating yourself in the most horrible ways to then using super whiz bang-type descriptors of your abilities, only to come back down immediately to describe how you have not earned your GED, etc. Again, slow down, breathe, give yourself some grace and learn to develop your impulse control

6. I am also slightly on the spectrum, and I have a massive case of OCPD as well, so I actually know what I'm talking about, so please don't take this to heart and please stop being so hard on yourself.

Two things I encourage you to focus on (to your question about what to focus on / what you're 'looking for') in three simple steps that you can (and will) repeat as many times as is necessary every single day:

1. Practice Self-Compassion.

2. Be completely responsible for your life.

3. Repeat.

I must confess, it drove me mad to even begin to approach step no1, but if I can do it you can too. Yes, it's going to be super difficult and challenging. Until it's not. It's going to totally and completely suck. Until it doesn't. No, you won't feel better right away and you'll be tempted to give up because it's 'never going to work'. Until it starts working.

Moment by moment, day by day, you'll be able to see, feel, hear the difference in yourself between this moment and two weeks from now. A month, two months, three, etc.

Yes, it's very gradual and frustrating for a couple/few weeks, but the more you stick with it, the better it will begin to work.

Naturally, check with your doctor, ensure your Rx is the right one(s), right dosages, and all the rest of it, but I can tell you right now that nothing will make you feel better than learning to lean into the effort without caring for the result. I'll type it again so it stands out:

--- Lean into the effort without caring about the result. ---

Paradoxically, you will begin to get better results, regardless of the context, on a more consistent basis. Small victories will find YOU, and positive comments from others will start coming to YOU. You will no longer repel others, but instead they will begin to enjoy your company more and you will find yourself appreciating that less is in fact more. It's about attraction, not retention, when it comes to others. Most interestingly and rewardingly, though, when 'they' start coming back to you and for you, you will also find that you are nowhere near as 'needy' or dependent on anyone's approval but your own. You will have come a long way to becoming your own person. And that feels amazing, let me tell you.

So, slow down, breathe and KNOW that it's all going to work out. If it's working out for me, it can most certainly work out for you. And yes, I'm still unemployed, running out of savings and the bank may take my house in a couple of months and my wife won't talk to me and actively acts hatefully towards me, and all the rest of it.

No matter. I feel better and better every day. I've got interviews lined up for better and better opportunities every week, and I'm going to save my house and home and whenever my wife decides to see me for the warrior I really am, she may change her outlook on me. If she does not, I'm fine either way, because I'm me and I'm whole. She is welcome to rejoin me whenever she wants.

I know where I'm headed and that is up. You are headed there too. You just needed me to remind you.

I hope this helps.

Be well. Godspeed.

[Rocko_35]

It’s amazing that you can read a post, and have so many people say EXACTLY what you’re feeling or act the way you do as a matter of coping.

Funny Feliciana7, I never thought myself intelligent and always envied the capabilities of others. My victories are drops in a bucket of failure— but the victories are contrastly different from the failures.

Everyone has great advice, and most advice I incorporate in my own life. I am learning to give myself grace now, but I still beat myself up to push me to get better.

[STEM_Dad]

Welcome to the community here Feliciana7 !

You say that you don't have any special abilities, but from what you wrote about yourself, I think that you do indeed have a special ability that you don't recognize (probably because you use it all the time):

• Adaptability

Masking is a form of adaptability.

Parenting requires it, and to have kids as amazing as yours seem to be, that means you've been doing a good job at parenting.

And being "the best at whatever" also points to how adaptable you are.

... I'm slow to adapt, but very capable. When I learn something new, I try to learn everything about it. But you mentioned that you're competitive with yourself, and that's a trait that can help a person to adapt very quickly.

You may not be the best at anything in particular, but sometimes what's needed is somebody who can respond quickly, like emergency responders and ER doctors & nurses have to.