I know I'm annoying and the self hate is very clear. How can you not hate yourself when you know your truths. I live with myself everyday. I look at others and see how amazing they are and can't figure out WHAT MAKES ME AMAZING??? WHERE IS THAT SPARK THAT EVERYONE ELSE GOT??? My biggest fear is that I'll die without finding my true self. In my head, I'm a vigilante. I'm precise with my sword and swift on my horse. Evil doer's have no chance. Sometimes I'm a motivational speaker, I get the crowd pumped up and they believe in themselves. I fight for people like us, the outcasts, the black sheep. I'm an inventer, a poet, I save people and I make things ok. I'm dependable and the best at what I do. I'm Everything. And everyone actually loves me. But in reality...... I'm none of these things. Yes, I actually talk to myself and pretend when I'm alone. I pace craters in the earth and I'm exhausted and can't freaking sleep so my imagination is always working. I've tried writing. Believe it or not, I used to write poems when I was in school. Ive written stories about some parts of my life but I've had traumatic experiences with people destroying my work, so picking up a pen now, even though the trauma happened years ago, seems so heavy and difficult. I try to write and ALL THE THOUGHTS ON THE PLANET invade my mental space or it goes blank.
I don't have family, I was orphaned so, yea, self taught is basically my downfall. No guidance and just trying to be whatever everyone else seemed to like in humans. I rock like a maniac when I'm zoned out, I'm stuck majority of the time. Bonus...... I have kids!!!!! Single mom here of a 3,4&8 year old. Can you believe I get upset when I can zone out like I want or if I want to pace and think and they bother me,I get so annoyed. Like what's the deal???? I'm affectionate but when I want to be. If they try and bum rush me for a hug or kiss, I freak out. I immediately apologize once I realize it but it's a horrible thing to do especially since I never got lovies and huggies like I encourage my children and I to do.
I live in my imagination because that's where I'm happy. I don't know who I am or what I'm supposed to be. And I can't be the example that I want to be to my children because I can't control my impulsiveness and emotional struggles. I cut people off because of my own thoughts and keep very little people around me in case I die...SOMEONE will claim me. But majority of the time I just want to be alone and cry. I love my kids but I don't want to be around them almost ever. But having them is such a joy and so special. I think because I don't feel like I deserve them and wish they had better than what I am, is why I don't want them around but miss them when they are gone even for a moment. I'm a talker but hate speaking to talkative people or people who take too long..BUT I LITERALLY DO THE SAME THING!!!! I'm impatient,angry and mad almost always and only wish I could be such the bubbly people that make me smile. I Hate her!!!!!!!! Why does SHE HAVE TO BE ME????? I'm gonna die soon, how do I take my place in this world?
In myself, I secretly think I'm kinda special. Not that there is anything special about me but I can sense I'm a different kinda different. I know, that didn't make sense. I just know I'm supposed to be something and not just an average person, but I have NOTHING leading me to this uniqueness. But why do I have these daydreams or whatever constantly since a child? Why does it feel so real and why won't it go away if it's just trash???
Sorry for the scroll😩
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Feliciana7
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I can’t reply as I don’t have much time at the mo, but you are not alone with this !!! And I am sure someone will come on here and also confirm this is not juts a you thing , if that helps at all .
I am having some success, moments of less self hatred and thus general irritability from “Mindful Self Compassion”. I was so angry at the person who suggested this to me (I’m often angry and often angry with people’s advice) but now I’m grateful they did. Kristin Neff. Your kids need you.💕
Thank you for the positive feedback. I'm happy to know that I can help anyone with this condition, even in small ways. Admittedly, this condition encompasses an extremely complex and robust constellation of symptoms that are all interdependently connected and can aggravate each other in vicious cycles.
My theory is that they simply went unchecked for many years, and they eventually got to the point where I could simply not white-knuckle it anymore. That is when things started really spiraling out of control (I'd say ~5 to 7 years back), and got progressively worse from there.
The greatest injustice in my mind, however, is that now that I have the right diagnosis (I know because the more I research it, the more the dots connect across symptoms, situations and across every year of my life, not just recently), now my wife decides she's 'had enough' and is basically checked out of our marriage. She considers the fact that she's even here some miraculous thing I should be infinitely grateful for. Yes, she has screamed this at me, very aggressively, on three occasions, accusing me relentlessly of things in the past (and exaggerating, by the way, very all-or-nothing thinking), and projecting into the future.
I mention this not to berate her, but so show, if you will, how much skin I have in the game. Thankfully, she had not done that in front of our two teenage daughters, but she is very cold and unloving toward me in front of them. No matter, I continue to not only be warm, congenial, and caring, but I also now cook, clean the dishes, take out the trash and fix things around the house consistently, day in, day out. Do I ever get thanks? Hardly. If I do, it's very casual and meaningless, as I am still to be spurned and somehow punished.
All that said - I have a choice: Do I listen to that and let it make me a victim, or do I take control of my thoughts, continue down the path of Agency/Self-Discipline/Self-Mastery and find joy in my life REGARDLESS of who is in or out of it? Is that not what I should be pursuing anyway, ideally? Yes it is.
Interestingly, over the past three months, she has softened her stance towards me, though still not particularly warm at all, but we at least cohabitate in a neutral way.
How did I manage that? All three times she launched her verbal attacks at me at full volume, I sat there, perfectly calm, stared her right in the eye and told her, very calmly, that I was not going to listen to any of that anymore, as there was no point. Regardless of how much she goads me into losing my temper so that I may 'release the Kraken' to give her an excuse to point the finger and 'demand' a divorce, I simply told her that it will never happen, I will never grant it, and furthermore, having grown up in a violent, alcoholic home that ended in divorce, I would not allow her to do that to our girls. No sir, not on my watch. So she better buck up and pull through for the sake of the girls because that kind of damage NEVER goes away. I know. It's not a guilt trip, it's fact.
The last time that happened was roughly two months ago and I have not heard a peep on the matter since, and her demeaner has improved, though marginally. So, there it is. A first, healthy, strong, definite, unambiguous and very functional and positive boundary. Was it easy? No. Was it painful? Yes. I do have to say, it's made life since then much more manageable not just for me, but interestingly, for her as well. She's welcome.
I have done extensive research into the Ritalin, and all the supplements I take, as well as my diet and exercise routine, and other behavioral tools.
I can tell you that in my experience there is a middle ground between the 'little/no morals' and 'super moral', in a sense, staying away from black and white thinking for a second along the morality continuum, or any other affected by cognitive ability, for that matter.
If you think of it in three layers with the one just discussed on the bottom, laid out horizontally, I picture another two above it, also laid out horizontally. The ends are moral / amoral again, but the one at the bottom is full-on Adult ADHD WITHOUT capacity to self-correct and therefore NO CULPABILITY or very little, to be honest. It's a lack of cognitive capacity, not will or morals. The one at the top, would be WITH ability to self-correct, which means one has optimized all the tools necessary to live a good life in the 'sweet spot'. that would be closer to the moral side, to be sure, but everyone has free will, and I am not the judge, but, in general terms, let's say 80-90% to the moral end, top layer. In that layer, we are our own judges, and rightfully so, to keep ourselves accountable, though self-compassion rooted in truth and being 100% responsible for our lives.
I'm currently in the middle layer, learning to make the transition from no culpability to now having gained knowledge, transforming it into wisdom as quickly as practicable and owning the culpability of bad choices more and more along the way. The key difference is that now I can actually change the thoughts and behavior! I'm not where I want to be yet, but I'm definitely on my way there.
Naturally, that top layer 'sweet spot' will take some time to reach (?), but what I can tell you is that along that journey, I've found it easier now to do things I want to do and not do things I don't want to do, to put it biblically and functionally on point. THAT is letting go of past overblown dysfunctional culpability. THAT is learning self-compassion in a very functional sense.
I've never had a problem with alcohol, drugs, violence, outward temper, adultery, or anything of the sort, but I've struggled greatly to just put the smartphone down and limit screen time. Thas't become much easier in recent months. I don't overeat before going to bed anymore, a nightly habit of a massive meal right before sleep at midnight or later every night goign back to my college years. I no longer doomscrool on my phone in bed binging newsfeeds afterwards. There are a number of things like this that are simply going away because I am more capable of making them go away. None of these are newsworthy, but given bloods pressure, blood sugar concerns, what that does to the gut and various centers in the brain, possibly leading to stroke and/or early onset dementia, alzheimers, parkinsons and all the rest of it, it's a pretty potent list of bad habits that are hugely self-destructive and previously not under my control. Not really, no matter how much I wanted to believe that.
So, back to culpability - I now appreciate how much I've tortured myself over the years for not being able to simply be more disciplined and 'push through'. I also realize now how impossible it was for me to do so, given some cognitive and macro/micro nutrient deficiencies, to name some other factors involved.
Well, that's great, but I'm a man in my 50's, so I can't go at it with kid gloves either anymore. Fine - Understand where you were, put in perspective where you are now and shift the attention from past self-flagellation for these things into putting in place more behavioral tools and habits now that will keep moving you further up that middle layer to the top layer, and further to the side of a good, solid, moral life in future. The price is self-discipline and owning one's choices, but in a completely new way that actually makes sense and is sustainable. Wow. What a concept.
Sorry about the long post. As you can tell, I'm recalibrating quite a bit this week since I started taking Vitamin B6 a few days ago. I suspect this is part of it. While it is obviously making me hyperfocus a bit, I highly recommend it for focus, attention control and task completion, by the way. It's all part of moving along that continuum both vertically and horizontally. Yes, yes, talk to your doctor, agreed.
And with that, I close this missive as I have to keep networking and looking for work.
Interesting point. The way I was talking about perceiving morality was that you know right from wrong and you have a strong sense of justice. You either have a IDGAF mentality or you get angry about any injustice. Now, following our morals is a whole new ball game.
I know I shouldn’t be on the electronics either, there is a lot of gray space with things like t his. Electronics can be beneficial, even before bed, like the schooling I do during the day or that the reading actually turns my brain off so its better than sitting in bed with racing thoughts, doesn’t really affect morality. Also forums like this have a ton of benefits because we can learn so much and make progress. When discussing morality, I am talking about helping others vs being about you. I definitely have culpability issues. My impulses have me finding blame initially, but it’s more like explaining how their decision could be seen otherwise. For example, I was in trouble for leaving my classroom door open, but I explained that a lot of other people were using my room, and I have been making progress. This was seen as blaming, but I saw it as explaining things I cant control. However, when I take note and process feedback, I think about how I can make changes to try and do better. It is a hard process, but I work at it constantly.
I see your point, and just because I think of it a certain way does not mean other will. Here then, is another opportunity to not be so set in my mindsets, which, as we know, inflexible thinking is part of Adult ADHD. I suppose a better way to phrase my long previous commentary is that it illustrates the creative learning process approach I had to develop to understand this better for myself and find the space to actually compartmentalize between where I cared too much about any given injustice, to your point, mine or someone else's, real or imagined, and find some perspective to be able to 'discard' it to the side as something that was making me spin my wheels needlessly. Boy, there has been A LOT of discarding, let me tell you, but never slipping into IDGAF mentality. It's a careful balance.
I suspect not a lot of us ADHDers have the IDGAF mentality, as we tend to be skewed the other way, but the 'imminent risk' and 'danger' for me was this 'threat' of becoming like that. The more I work through it the more I realize it's imagined because it does not actually become real. I look at the data: I don't have people coming up to me accusing me of being this completely different guy and citing examples. I'm just calmer and more composed. That's it.
It has been very challenging by the fact that I do find though, at least in my case, that I have had to learn to put myself first, period. That is a whole other ball of wax. I never had before and that led to all the relationship issues, bad dynamics and severe codependent tendencies with both my parents and my one brother, whom I hardly speak with anymore as well. In fact, I'm 'teaching' my wife to detach from me as I have from her due to said codependence. I understand it, and I own it. She is slowly getting acclimated to a new way of relating. No idea where we'll end up, but I need to be running the mile I'm in. That is how you complete marathons.
All that aside, I agree with you that technology is good, overall, but the vast majority of it is deployed in hurtful, if not at least inefficient ways that show us the societal and globally-cognitively derivative pandora's box that was unleashed on the world with social media. Admittedly, this is part of that, but much like the pareto principle (80/20 rule), I'm of the opinion that mobile screen tech/social media is more along the lines of 95/5 and it's an inverse relationship. 95% of what's on the internet and how it's 'fed' to our brains is bad to really bad, but that 5%, if well apportioned, scheduled, leveraged and taken advantage of, can be very helpful indeed. This is in that high-value 5%.
I have hardly looked at my phone over the past few days. As soon as I'm off my computer from doing my daily work, I strive every day to not look at any screens. I still watch that one hour of TV at night to unplug and think of other things, but the phone is off. Finally! My next goal is to give up TV and sit at either the piano or with my guitar to simply play music for a while, and let that creative side start helping the rewiring process in a much healthier way.
Thank you for sharing. I hope I can help you and others a bit along your journey. It is different, to be sure, yet remarkably similar in some ways. Some dots will connect, no doubt.
Thank you for sharing. I can totally see your point. I actually grew up with a family that were igdaf mentality, so I pendulumed the other way. Ways I get off the videos is to have books on apps attached to libraries (hoopla, Libby, etc), sometimes audiobooks, and also listening to music or podcasts. I really am trying my best to learn the growth mindset since I know that I react with my emotions at times. I do hope the DBT I have started recently helps with all of this. Zen hugs. 🫂
I'm sure you may have looked into this, but for racing thoughts in bed, I recommend early morning walks to get sunrise light in your eyes - Resets your circadian rhythm, and makes you very sleepy about 16 hours later, or by 10pm, in my experience. Sunset walks work like that too. It gets rid of racing thoughts along with Magnesium, L-Theanine and Ashwaghanda, which I now take at night. Play around with it. It really works.
As an aside, I also started taking cold plunges with an Icepod my girls got me for father's day. The constant ice runs are a pain, so I'll end up putting a full-time cooler to it to keep the water cold, but WOW. Big results, quickly, and better sleep too. I highly recommend it. Yes, it's very uncomfortable to do, but it only lasts a couple of minutes every time and the rest of your day gets remarkably better. I've only done it four times in the last three weeks, but I plan to make it a daily early morning routine before swimming my laps.
You really caught my attention with the 'racing thoughts' comment. I haven't been there for about four months now, I'd say. Life-long insomniac over here with huge anxiety disorder, PTSD and all the rest of it. I know how hard that can be.
Luckily my racing thoughts have gotten better with the right meds. I’ve never heard of an ice pod. Is it like a portable ice pack that doesn’t make a mess when melted? That sounds interesting! So how do you use it? It sounds like you do it in the morning? What’s the research behind it?
I don’t need a metabolism kick, so I may try cold but then not naturally warm up. So it actually helps out prefrontal cortex, the part that heeds work for ADHD.
Yes, it has myriad benefits along multiple lines, but you hit the nail on the head, it's for cognitive improvement, particularly along the lines of executive function. I look at everything else as a bonus and I don't dwell on it so as to not start going down a negativity rabbit hole, etc. It's hard enough to get in it as it is!
That said, the few times I have done it, I haven't been in lower than 53F and that was plenty cold. A cold shower has nothing on that!
Anyway, take what you like and leave the rest. It's all good. I'd recommend finding a friend who has one, or there are sauna/cold plunge places opening up all over the country now. You can just go the one time to see what you think.
I will say though, doing it early in the morning and following it up mid day with a swim, wow. I'm a whole new man, even if its just for a few hours. I can totally see where it gets not addictive, but rewarding and you start craving it. Not quite there yet, but I can see it... I can taste it... More on that later, I suppose.
wow, I totally get it. It’s very normal for our ADHD brains to talk like you just wrote. I’m so glad you are a moral person. I hope you are explaining to your kids about mental health. If you’re not already doing so, find a good counselor for ADHD. I also am starting DBT with a specific DBT clinic. Although intensive, it should help with my emotional regulation, rsd, and communication. I’m also starting to find ways to discuss emotional vocabulary, since I know it’s one of my weaknesses. I just recently started jumping back from physical affection, but I do it because I’m a special ed teacher, and want all kids (especially sped) to learn about consent. Maybe you can teach consent to your kids and explain sometimes you like to be asked before you get touched, but you welcome it almost every time, and it’s ok to say no.
Feliciana7 - I'm going to sound like a broken record, but I will ask again that you be more self-compassionate. You need to be reminded of that until it starts taking.
Also, you're using a lot of relativistic and dissociative language. There is a difference between being creative and imaginative, and not wanting to be YOU. Yes, I've been there too, 99% of my life. Just recently, I've actually started learning to like me, regardless of the horrible work/money/home/marriage/etc. situations.
This type of reasoning and language is not helping you. There is truth, period, not my truth, SeekingChange's truth, etc. Truth. Root yourself in that, as you are a part of society and that is a blessing. You're here to learn how to reintegrate, both within yourself, and back into society with others.
One discovery I made that was, again, very painful at first, but less so with time, was the concept of metacognition. This is how we thing about our thoughts. Thinking about how you think is a whole other level, one step out of your own mind, if you think of it in concentric circles. Does is feel like dissociation? Sure. Until it doesn't. It starts feeling more and more like a good tool you can rely on and pretty soon, acceptance comes more easily, day by day, and you manage much better.
Believe me, given my Catholic Faith and my OCPD, I'm very perfectionistic and therefore, I've come to appreciate how scrupulosity affected every part of my life. Not only that, but having had incredibly narcissistic, self-destructive, abusive parents, I am keenly aware of the signs so I don't let myself slip into narcissism of any kind through over-correction.
What I mean by that is that even though I now do things for ME first, truly, no one else, I've had to get used to that discomfort, while keeping myself in line with regard to others. Metacognition has been a great, great discovery.
I just read a letter by Seneca (Stoic Philosophy) where he expounded on the virtues of living a good life and he wrote:
Strive to become a the person in whose presence you would not sin.
In other words, to the right things for the right reasons, and those start with you, for you, in you. What's more, that is a good thing, it is the proper order of things and is as it should be. Once you hold yourself in high enough regard (not too high, remember, don't over-correct), you will become a calmer, gentler, more organized and collected person, and not only with others be a bit more attracted to you (in my case less repellent, other side / same coin), but you will also become, bit by bit, more accepting of their hugs and emotional connections.
I mention this because you have little ones and, sorry to say, directly after you, THEY come first, second, third, etc. THEN, the world, work, etc. But in order for you to be there for them and not have to live with any resentment toward them or anyone else, you have to learn to put yourself first and live in truth.
Truth be told, you're pretty great and you're fighting a super-specialized, abstract fight that only those of us with this thing can possibly understand. We're in your corner, even if you're not, but the idea is for you to go full Rocky and keep getting up until Apollo Creed just hangs his head because he can't knock Rocky down (Rocky I, the real Rocky).
Sorry, guy movie reference. I had to balance the Stoic Philosophy with something more modern.
Chin up, relax and start. being. kinder. to. yourself.
You live with an invisible congenital condition since birth. There is nothing wrong with you. People that live with disabilities must function in a world that was not designed or built for them. It makes life more difficult and harder because not only was the world not built for you —people can’t see it. Practice introspection that honors your humanity.
Steph99 - Beautifully and succinctly put. I wish I had your poignancy and economy with words, though some here appreciate my posts. Thank you for the ancillary motivation to keep working on being succint in writing. All good stuff. All good tools. For all of us.
I think that we are each always developing. Some people seem to have it easier or harder than others.It sounds like for you life has definitely been harder than for many others.
But that doesn't change this basic truth: YOU ARE SPECIAL, just for being you.
You don't have to have special talents or qualifications to be special.
However, it can be hard for us to recognize our own worth. It's so much easier to look at other people and see what makes them special, when we see ourselves as ordinary or as flawed.
You've mentioned having both ADHD and autism. Many people who have autism respond differently to others' touch and displays of affection.
I have a brother who seems like he might be on the spectrum, and our mom definitely has seemed a bit different than a lot of women when it comes to showing affection...when I was a kid, it seemed that she had to be intentional about showing it physically, such as hugs.
(She actually started a "hug-a-day" practice when I was about 7 or 8, for the sake of my adopted younger brother, because she learned that kids who are adopted often need extra care and reassurance. I just like hugs, so I got in on that...I think that Physical Touch is one of my Love Languages. Before that, my mom had often been awkward about any 'unnecessary' touch...but children need their parent's affection. At least she was always loving with her words.)
From some of the things you've said in this and another post, it seems almost a given that you have a high ACE number. (ACE stands for "Adverse Childhood Experiences.) People who have experienced more adverse childhood experiences are more prone to having physical health, mental health and emotional health issues in both childhood and adulthood.
I hope that you have made your doctor (and therapist, if you're going to therapy) about your struggles in childhood and adulthood. Over time, more doctors are becoming aware of this connection between childhood experiences and adult health issues.
• ACEs don't cause ADHD or autism, but can make them worse than they would have been without adversity during youth.
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It's nice to meet another daydreamer here. When I was about 6, that was the first indicator that I have ADHD that anyone mentioned. (My first grade teacher mentioned to my mom that I was a "daydreamer" in class.)
Daydreaming in itself is totally okay, and can even have positive aspects. (I still daydream, and I often still enjoy daydreaming...I have just learned to do it less, but it didn't get easier to control until I started treatment for ADHD at age 45.)
Maladaptive daydreaming, however, can be problematic. Not enough is known about it yet, but I think that therapy is recommended for people who experience it a lot. It can border on rumination (which is often associated with depression and other disorders), or it can be a form or escapism.
However, daydreaming is also associated with another attention disorder which studies suggest is often a comorbidity of ADHD. That disorder is called Cognitive Disengagement Syndrome (DCS), but used to be called Sluggish Cognitive Tempo (SCT). It's not yet included in the diagnostic manual used by doctors and mental health professionals, so it's not often diagnosed in people, but I definitely recognize the symptoms of it along with my ADHD symptoms.
(Dr. Russell Barkley has done some videos on CDS/SCT, but he mainly focuses on ADHD.)
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I think I need professional support, but feel like my issues aren't severe enough. What do I do?
