Have you considered not having children because of your fear to cope with them and adhd?

[Nicolai41]

it’s come to the point in my relationship where i either marry and have children with my partner or we both go out separate ways.

I struggle with the conflict in my relationship but am slowly considering whether this is actually my adhd making it appear bigger that what it is or whether this is something I have to work out on and tough it out. She is a great partner and very caring, who’s helped me grow personally but it also feels like she causes me a lot of stress as well. She was raised by parents who did shout at each other so it’s a norm. Mine did the opposite. She’s better than her folks but is dominant in the relationship and I feel she holds the power.

Having kids on top of this environment which causes me to feel overwhelmed makes me want to run for the hills. I’ve always struggled with just doing life and I’m seriously considering whether 1, my partner is right for my needs and 2 whether kids would be just to much for me to cope with.

would love to hear thoughts of anyone in similar position or who I’ve gone through similar dilemas.

Thanks 🙏

[Sunshinegrl25]

Omg! This post made me cry :/ I think about this all the time. I think “I don’t want my child to grow up stuck in their own head like I did” My childhood wasn’t horrible but it also wasn’t great. But I think partly is because of my parents. They weren’t bad. My dad was just emotionally unavailable and my mother was busy raising 6 children. So I grew up lonely with undiagnosed ADHD thinking I was crazy or something was wrong with me.

[Sunshinegrl25]

But also I have come to a point in a relationship similar to yours. You sound just like me! But I realized that my boyfriend isn’t good for me. He causes me more stress than peace. And I’ve realized I can’t blame everything on my ADHD. I have been the more dominant one in the relationship. I like it that way because he’s clueless sometimes and I like to feel in control because of anxiety. I keep think that I wouldn’t want to have children with him and them possibly having ADHD and him (the bf) freaking us all out! Lol haha. Sad but true.

Edit: but he’s also emotionally unavailable like my father. And I don’t want to continue the cycle

[G7BK]

Hi,

Had the same thoughts years ago.

Just had kids, its working well with challenges.

Thinking about kids is like thinking of dying; don't spend your precious moments on earth trying to imagine what it will be like, it will be a dream and a nightmare, sometimes at the same time, just work through it when it happens. you have no experience to draw the correct conclusion, so don't worry about the future (I wish I would act on my own advice mind!)

Your predicament sounds like what everyone goes through, but through the ADHD lens, (aka situation x 1000 = confusion).

I would go for a run, make sure the dopamine levels are good and journal this out.

My Mum is a bit of a legend with this stuff, her advice when I asked about marriage was; can you imagine a future without them in your life? Answer honestly and there is the answer.

My experience is real love is really selfish, and if we want to give love, it needs to be conscious, and it needs to be 100% as the other may have nothing left to give sometimes, 50/50 doesn't work.

I married a Mediterranean her laid back attitude of, 'don't worry about it', meant we got married, as i was freaking out. Because, my problem, wasn't about marriage, but the way I worried about what-if's, and sometimes getting lost in the tangled mess of thoughts of what-if's helped nothing.

So my reply is: My biggest challenge in life is being assertive with people I love, because I don't want to hurt them or be hurt by them, but this is a terrible strategy; even when sometimes i'm not sure if i'm coming from a 'balanced place' and have it all wrong, but setting boundaries, and keeping the boundaries and knowing that your feelings are always real and valid is absolutely a must, always. Even if you marry the most perfect person or not, this will still be the key to happiness.

You must tell people how you want to be treated while keeping the other persons dignity or they will never know.

Does she know 100% that certain things do your head in? I know it's hard, but sounds like she doesn't, maybe? And if she does and does it anyway regardless, well that's a red flag.

I used to think relationships were dominant/non-dominant. We now know; us humans are a balance of male and female, women often wear perfume to attract; because us men deep down aren't stone we like 'pretty things', and why are women built to take intense pain of labour, because women are strong as anything. Men and women are a balance, not rage or fluff, but a spectrum between both, and as you know dominance and anger is often about insecurity, rarely strength.

PS. regarding the kids thing, put your own oxygen mask on first, give two fingers to the judgement crew, and you'll be fine!

PPS. psychologists now say like attracts like, not opposites attract. She sounds like she may have adhd too!

PPPS. Are you happy deep deep down? pre marriage, you should be.

Thanks for the honest post and hope my reply was in some alignment with where you are at. Just make sure you are in a good place mentally so you can trust your logic and gut, your 'gut'ogic' maybe?!?! 🙃😊

[Nicolai41 in reply to G7BK]

Thanks that’s a great reply 😊My partner is German so not laid back and certainly not adhd can be quite serious. Her mind is like a desert compared to mine 🤣

I think right now I’m listening to her views on me and how I am fear based but it’s all from the perspective of it will be fine let’s do this. Im struggling now to trust my gut or own feelings as in tiring myself up in knots of is it me…can I work through this or actually do I need a different environment that will suit me better with my adhd?

[G7BK in reply to Nicolai41]

Ah German! we have relatives over there. So yes we have a lot of similarities in terms of brain make up and choice of partners to some extent! As you know cultural nuances can make you go insane, and also expand your thinking as your forced to adapt different takes on things, challenging and very healthy isn’t it!

Maybe, it’s not an ADHD issue, maybe? ; just amplified by it? If I were in your boat, which is easy for me to say from an outsiders point of view. I would-

1 - meditate, relax, run, go on a 2 week preferably 3 week holiday; whatever you do to get you mentally from here to there with no exaggerated thinking, aka balanced neurotransmitters means you can make good decisions.

2- sink a coffee and journal ruthlessly and unapologetically, aka get it out of your fine head.

3 - Ask is what I wrote really factually true, ask what would my life be like without it, how would I feel, be balanced good or bad?

4 - love yourself

5- flip it and see it from the other persons point of view, (relationships are always 2 sided and we often project our own insecurities and rubbish on others)

6 - love yourself some more, you are just a bit more valuable than the contents of the ‘Louvre’, always, forever! Plus I’ll say it again, people with neural diversity invented pretty much everything.

7 - Now you know what your dealing with! So move on to setting boundaries and be kindly assertive to anyone who steps over them not just your partner, you know the usual ‘I feel this, when that happens blah’ - aka ‘Raised voices are ok, but its not cool shouting all the time, it removes the peace and brings a negative tone to the room and no one likes that, but that’s just how I am’ (the other party is rarely oblivious to this stuff and just needs calling out sometimes may even thank you, may not)

8 - Know that boundaries are there and people, including the same people will poke them sometimes, aka be aware.

Simply put, You’re an adult and the fact you’re asking this question in a forum means you are taking it very seriously, so we don’t have to warn or sugar coat. What you need to work out is, is this normal or is my ADHD amplifying this to a place of nonsense. Just don’t make it a big deal, yeah the context is the most important decision you’ll ever make, but, the process of dealing with it isn’t. Just fumble through the awkward convo, chat it out, laugh, cry, Im rooting for you mate, truly, and if you do decide this is a no goer, then it will lead to a better place these things always do, how can they not.

What helped me in my personal journey was to just be in a good place, think with heart and head at the same time not one or the other, only THEN can I trust my instincts.

I’ll go back to my own life of madness and chaos now, wouldn’t change it for the world. Your not alone friend, good luck!

ps sorry for the long replies!

[G7BK in reply to G7BK]

One last thing sorry - You may know this but - if your new to meds or trialing doses etc, then arguably leaving big decisions to another time is super, super advisable. Dopamine is your very thinking, amongst other things after all. And settling into meds can sometimes make you feel you’ve changed as a person, then you settle, and get the right dose and realise adhd meds are a tool to work with not a character changer.

[Nicolai41 in reply to G7BK]

Amazing reply thank you. I’m getting some really good sound advice from this community. Thank you all. I’m really glad I was brave enough to post.

[sharkticon]

I would say absolutely do not have children right now. I am ADHD dad and have kids, but I'm glad that I have kids, and wanted to have kids. I don't think of ADHD as a reason to not have children. Especially if you have meds that are helping you to deal with some of it. It is very doable.

But your situation sounds like it could use some couples counseling first. I would say most all marriages need some counseling at some point. You need to talk to a counselor together and talk about your wants and needs. Don't let someone pressure you to have kids. It wont be good for your relationship or the children. There may be a chance that you can tough it out and things will work out, but I wouldn't chance it. Wouldn't you rather be sure of your decision? I think some counseling can help you work through the process and help you know what you really want. Being on the fence about a big decision like having kids and then going through with it is not an advisable solution. We can do that with things like what chocolate bar to buy at the store. But having kids will change everything in your life and your relationship. You'll want to learn as much as you can about what to expect, and to get to the bottom of your fears and what might be causing those. And if I were your wife I would want you to be 100% in on this if you were going to have kids. So you would be doing her a favor too.

[Nicolai41]

I’ve done the couples counselling and found it to be useful. However doubts about the feelings I had for her were brushed over after I said I loved her and I didn’t want to raise further because of conflict and maybe because I was scared of finding out she just wasn’t right for me. Fear of conflict and what I’m realising is also emotional dependency.

As the decision date moves closer, the more anxious I’m becoming and it’s clear that I am deeply upset by the thought of losing her but can’t decide if it’s my emotional dependency and need for her counsel or if it’s because life with her is wonderful, even though that’s not how I feel but can’t untangle whether that’s my adhd blowing it all out of proportion or me wanting excitement in all things (dopamine fix?).

Gut feel says it’s too big a decision without being able to say yes and feel sure. A friend said if it’s a big decision and you can’t say yes, the answer is normally a no. But I’m doubting even that advice 🙈😖

Some great advice so far. Will read over and journal my heart out. Thanks all 🙏

[samami]

I have ADHD but was just diagnosed in my late 50s. I decided not to have kids a long time ago. I knew there was something wrong with me and that it came from my father (who must have had it too). I just didn’t know what it was although I went to therapy repeatedly. My grandmother and many members of my father’s side of the family must have had ADHD. Several family members were/are known for their terrible tempers, moodiness and outbursts. I know my father loved us deeply but he could not control his moodiness. He was never violent but withdrew from us for days at a time when his moods came around. Others in the family, including his mother, were more violent.

I am the first person in my family to be diagnosed with ADHD in spite of all this history. It just blows my mind! I am glad that I didn’t have children. I think you should only have children if you have a really supportive partner who really understands the condition and won’t hold things against you. Also, almost certainly at least one of your children will inherit ADHD from you. She will need to be prepared for that possibility.

Not saying not to have children, but go into it carefully. It is so easy for us ADHDers to become overwhelmed and when I’m too over whelmed, I often leave.