Anyone else struggling to get their spouse on board? I'm 34 and was just diagnosed with adhd inattentive type. Started on strattera and am in shock at how much easier it is for me to do basic things like respond to emails, file paperwork, put the laundry away etc. My husband has been pretty dismissive of this whole process since I started seeking a diagnosis 6 months ago. All along the way he's insisted that the symptoms I've complained about are just normal for everyone (I suspect he also has undiagnosed adhd.) I thought talking to him about how medication has made my life more manageable and calm would help him see this as legitimate but instead he's just dug in his heels. He's said stuff like "don't you feel weird now about having to take a medication every day just to function? " Wondering if anyone else is also dealing with a lack of support from their spouse and how you manage it.
Spouse doesn't believe in ADHD - CHADD's Adult ADH...
Spouse doesn't believe in ADHD
I am happy to hear that strattera is helping make you life more manageable and calm. I hope that you can continue to focus on the positive and what works for you. I almost lost my mind last night because my wife bought a large side table for the dining room without mentioning it to me - she does not believe in ADHD and thinks all my problems are just in my head and my own fault. I hate clutter and really struggle with clutter and messes and have too many of my own but my wife seems to thrive on clutter and messes whereas I get overwhelmed. Anyways, I have patiently tried to ask her to let me know before she makes large purchases or any furniture purchases and again she ignored it and it made me so mad. Arghhh. But, it is ok, I did get a little upset but I have also started to get some help from some meds and various coping strategies and I just tried to focus on the positive and am still just trying to focus on the positive.
It sounds like we're in similar boats. I've always taken most of the blame for the house being cluttered, but now that I'm on medication, I can see how my husband also contributes to the clutter and struggles to get organized, makes impulsive decisions, etc. He also thinks this is all in my head -- which I think is the most maddening for me. Trying to focus on the positive of how much better I feel, for sure. 
Glad to hear that you've been reaching out and getting help for yourself too!
Firstly, I am super happy you are able to find a medication that works great off the bat - its usually a challenge for most (myself included) to find one that works long term. I took vyvanse for a month and it worked AHMAZING for a solid 2 weeks and then just straight up stopped working all together / actually appeared to make things worse (more tense and hyperfocused actually alot more than usual)
Second, it would be quite frustrating to have someone in your life that you love not validate your experiences and be supportive. That can come with differing values and morals. I know that taking medication for mental health conditions isn't totally normalized yet - and hopefully he can start to do some research or open his mind a bit more on what can work for different people. I know that my mom is like this - aka "just take some Omega 3's and youll be fine" meanwhile, she doesn't understand that this condition may need more than just taking supplements. She was also like this when i first got on meds for anxiety (aka Effexor), but eventually came to see how different I was (in a good way) aka not having panic attacks every other day. But, the ADHD symptoms are still persistent (aka day dreaming, overwhelmed easily, hard to focus, emotional regulation issues etc). I think it just takes time and understanding and hopefully he can see the differences in you when your on medication vs not. And even if the medication does or doesn't work long term that still doesn't invalidate your condition either. Hope this helps a little bit!
This is really comforting to read. I think there's definitely a stigma that comes from his upbringing around taking mental health medications. He responded similarly (almost as if he felt threatened) when I started going to therapy. I know that I can only control and take care of myself, but it makes me feel alone in my marriage to have my experience continually invalidated by my spouse. Thanks for sharing your experience with your mom -- makes me feel less alone.
Absolutely - and he’s triggered by something clearly. Have you discussed your feelings surrounding this with him?
A little bit. When he says something dismissive, I try to mention gently why it's hurtful. I know this is a triggering area for him. He grew up around a lot of trauma and mental illness, and it's just not in the culture where he's from for anyone to get help. I've seen him dismiss his mother in similar ways who, in my opinion, has been suffering most her life from undiagnosed depression and has been a victim of repeated abuse. I want to order up therapy for the whole family, but I can only take care of myself. It's frustrating watching him suffer from his own issues, then having him gaslight me for trying to take care of myself.
Absolutely it is. It can be exhausting especially dealing with your own stuff! Aw yeah so his past is definitely part of the reason why he’s acting this way. It’s tough cause you can’t control how others see things you can only educate and hope they can come to terms with it on their own
There is a group named ADDA for ADHD “tools”, webinars, Zoom groups of hat address multiple categories associated with ADHD life. They invite spouses to meet up and talk every Wednesday at noon EST on Zoom. We he cost of joining us $5/month or $50/year. Wonderful Organization. Check them out. Also they have an ADHD couples group on Zoom on Thursdays. Since introducing myself to these, my ADHD husband has joined and attends several of their meetings per week. We do the Meditation group together. He does Executive Funtion group, Mens Group, and watches various webinars. He has stopped thinking it is “all me” now that he sees so many people open up and share. It has helped us soooo much; and we are in our late 60’s. Nice resource for you (and hopefully your spouse). Add.org
Thanks for this resource!
Yeah, until you really believe in ADHD, lots of people don't--including some of us who only got diagnosed as adults.
Frankly, given that we had the condition and were blind to it and probably heard ADHD mentioned many times, and yet didn't add up the clues, I think we can be a bit patient with family members who doubt the seriousness of the condition.
It's really hard to understand the condition if you don't have it--I mean really hard. It's hard to explain that gnawing sense that accompanied us throughout our lives that we were missing something, couldn't quite do the "adult" serious, tedious stuff on deadline. Heck I couldn't do creative stuff on deadline.
Very hard for folks to understand it. Our culture has so many cliches around focus, just do it, get it done, grow up, quit procrastinating, be careful, be mindful, slow down. All of those admonitions assume we're going against the grain in some deliberate way.
Some good news ... a relative of mind got diagnosed as an adult in middle age. It was about 6 years after his diagnosis when his wife said the diagnosis clicked for her. His wife was so organized. In fact, my relative when he was helping his parents or packing or unpacking his parents' house ... moving them ... he always brought his wife in on the matter. She was the commander. BTW: that's a skillful and smart ADHD strategy right there--bring in the organized people you know for tasks that require organization.
Anyway, my friend's wife had helped him on several big tasks, but then one year, she saw her husband, my relative, try to start organizing a task ... and she said, his brain didn't know where to go, or what to prioritize ... it was like he was randomly identifying steps ... with one step not connected to the other. "That's when I saw it," she said. That's when the ADHD made sense to her.
It's helpful to read about someone coming around after a long haul. Thank you. To me, it's easy to understand because even though this is new for me, my dad and all three of my siblings were diagnosed early in my life, so I know a lot about it. I take for granted that this is all new for him.
You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.
You can hit somebody in the head with a copy of 'Delivered from Distraction', but you can't make them read it.
Congrats on finding an Rx that is helping you. Regardless of what ANYBODY thinks.
If your spouse doesn't believe that ADHD exists, perhaps there's some authority he respects who does. For instance, an authority figure (a public personality, thought leader, etc), organization (medical, educational, or other), website or publication.
There is ample scientific evidence of ADHD, but still some very vocal nay-sayers (like people who think that ADHD is pushed as a diagnosis by pharmaceutical companies).
There are some celebrities and athletes who are known to have ADHD.
webmd.com/add-adhd/ss/slide...
I thought that sending him articles about the neuroscience, showing him my diagnosis report, etc. would help. He's just still not there yet. I think one of the problems is denial on his part. He sees a lots of the symptoms of ADHD and says 'well that's true for me too so it must just be normal' but in actuality, I'm pretty sure he also has undiagnosed ADHD. He's a super smart guy who struggled all through school, can't get organized, has trouble putting his thoughts to words... there's so many things that point to it.
This is just my perspective, and it's coming from a divorced guy. But in my view of marriage, 1 of the key pacts should be that its- 'Us against the World'. In any type of relationship there's going to be disagreements. None of us are perfect (I am far, far, from being even close to perfect. I'm still trying to figure myself out and what 'Normal' is. But for most issues 'Us against the World' sums it up for me. There's a possibility that he's just a guy who has a fear about discussing, or even thinking, that he may have problem and would have to go to some Mental/Emotional Health Pro and be open about it. As guys, esp from what our Home Life was like growing up, some of us have a tremendous (Again, Tremendous!) fear of being that vulnerable, to tell what's really going on in our head. Much less to admit that we might have any problem. For what ever reason, he see's the possibility having a 'Brain Chemistry' problem as something way worse).
I am in no way telling what you should/need to do. And remember this is coming from someone who's divorced.
Your reaction to your Rx tells a lot! Do you enjoy your life more with this RX?
Sorry you have to go this alone (at least for this moment). When he said "don't you feel weird now about having to take a medication every day just to function?" I'm sure I'll be taking Adderall, and gladly, until I leave this world. Feeling weird about taking an Rx to function properly? = ADHD is a big part of where a lot of my 'Weird' moments / quirks comes from (too many to list).
For me, I have no desire to go back to the way my life was before my Rx.
*For now, maybe it's best to just enjoy the benefits you get from your Rx. Over time you may notice that it helps you in other ways. Peace to you. (esp Peace of Mind!)
Honestly I enjoy my life more than I thought possible on my Rx. I had a gap in my medication recently due to an insurance issue and I started to get back my intense feelings of restlessness and that 'crawling out of my skin' feeling that's been present my whole life. I struggled through my teens and 20s with eating disorders and substance abuse and now I can see those things as ways of trying to soothe the adhd symptoms I didn't know I had. I honestly can't believe I lived without this medication for 34 years. I have a new mental calm I've only previously been able to attain through meditation. I would gladly take this medication the rest of my life too - and, you're right, that's worth enjoying.
F'n insurance companies. And the DEA - who keep changing the rules in regards to how our Rx Script has to be written. It has to be a written Script, not an electronic one, now it can be an electronic one, how long the Script is good for, you can get it thru 90 mail order, no you can't get it to thru a 90 mail order....... You may think that there's some anger in this reply. You're wrong. I let this go years ago. Well,,,, maybe?
There is a good youtube video answering that statement re "it's just normal". youtu.be/ouZrZa5pLXk
This video is great -- thank you!!
ADHD is going to last your entire life. Do you want to be with someone who will be dismissive to a big part of your life for the rest of your life?
If your spouse does in fact have undiagnosed ADHD, as you suspect, he might be triggered by the fact that you are accepting and treating your ADHD when he is not ready to do so for himself. So when he’s digging his heels in and invalidating your experience, he might actually be reacting to you as a surrogate for himself. In other words, he may not be ready to face the idea that he may have a condition that could improve with treatment, and seeing you treat yours might feel overwhelming to him. This could be for any number of reasons. It is not fair to you that he is meeting your positive experience with a negative reaction, and it is not your responsibility to convince him that your ADHD is real, or that he has it. (He may or may not) I think in situations like these, it’s best to assert a boundary “when you say X it makes me feel Y. I’m going to ask you please not to say that to me again. This works for me so I’m going to do it.” Something like that. When he asks you “don’t you feel weird about having to take medication every day to function?” Though this may sound and feel like a criticism, it may actually be a veiled fear that he has about his own potential feelings about having to take medication. So if you can take a breath and try not to take it personally (which is hard to do) and tell him that actually the medication makes you feel more calm and in control, he might slowly gain a respect and understanding of it over time. This may or may not ever lead to him seeking evaluation and treatment for himself, but hopefully it will at least lead him to respecting your journey. I might be off base, it’s possible that it’s nothing to do with himself and more to do with memories of family or childhood (you mentioned there’s a history there) but if at least you can begin to separate whatever he’s associating with you treating your ADHD in the way that works for you, and recognize that his reaction is his responsibility, hopefully it won’t feel so hurtful. Your progress over time and happiness is what matters most and I imagine it will eventually show him that it’s ok to admit ADHD is real and treatable. In the meantime trying to convince him of something he’s not ready to accept is probably a waste of time and energy and will make things more stressful. Good luck to you .
Thank you -- this is really really helpful.
Hi Just came across this. I relate. Feels like my family problems have their roots there too. Thanks for this.
Hey, Mkkell . Maybe your husband would be willing to watch something about ADHD.
There's a really well done video called "ADD & Loving It!", created several years ago by a couple of comedic entertainers and featuring several knowledgeable experts. It's on YouTube at youtu.be/N49trzkqdTo
Dear Mkkell:
Thank you for contacting CHADD's National Resource Center on ADHD. I am sorry to hear that you spouse is not supportive of your ADHD diagnosis. You can try to see if he is interested in learning more about ADHD and how it can affect adults.
CHADD has many resources on this topic and I've included them here:
chadd.org/for-adults/overview/
chadd.org/webinars/ask-the-...
chadd.org/webinars/relation...
If you spouse is still unsupportive, you might consider therapy for yourself to deal with that issue. If you need help finding an ADHD specialist in your area, you can check our ADHD Center Directory: chadd.org/organization-dire... or our Professional Directory: chadd.org/professional-dire....
The important thing is taking care of yourself and continuing with your ADHD treatment. I am happy to hear that medication seems to be working for you and you are able to do things you weren't able to do before. That's wonderful!
If you have further questions, please let us know.
Sincerely,
Jami
Health Information Specialist
CHADD's National Resource Center on ADHD
I am hoping this will help; I stumbled upon this page because I am an adult without ADHD, and was trying to find any understanding for the loss and sadness I was feeling over my husband’s ADHD diagnosis. I actually directly work with children and adolescents with executive dysfunction/or ADHD on building executive functioning skills (planning, prioritizing, organizing, completing tasks) every single day. My husband was treated for anxiety and depression for years. I always saw his executive dysfunction but completely attributed it to “anxiety” and “depression”.
About 6 months ago he came to me and said his therapist thinks it may be worth exploring an evaluation for ADHD. I completely rejected this idea. He continued to bring it up to me, and I continued to have a VERY extreme reaction. I didn’t want to be having that reaction, I was just not seeing it.
Suddenly the book, “Delivered by Distraction” was on the counter. I was so upset. He was reading it and connecting dots, again, I was still rejecting and this time getting more and more upset/angry. One night I finally read the book. I cried for 48 hours and that is not an exaggeration. I finally saw that he without a doubt has ADHD, and that I couldn’t see this in him because I just attributed things to anxiety, depression, other. That book helped him use the correct language to make me understand where the breakdown in task completion was. I didn’t see it because, it’s more so a work thing for adults, because those are the tasks that require the most executive function, especially big projects.
He is scheduled to officially see a psychiatrist Friday for the “official diagnosis”. this week has been a whirlwind for me in terms of my own guilt regarding missing it, regarding how I reacted, and finally that I whole heartedly support a diagnosis of ADHD. I recommend buying the book. Maybe even explain start to finish what happens when you try to complete a large project/task. Once he explicitly explained it, I couldn’t even believe I had missed it. I also recommend listening to a podcast from neuropsychologist, Russell A Barkley. It will help YOU have the language surrounding what you are feeling, to then talk about it with your husband more.
Anyways, after being so adamant that there was no way he had this, I am finally whole heartedly supporting my spouse and the pain he has endured with feeling different and like a failure, due to this undiagnosed ADHD.
All the very best to you. If he is anything like me he will come around.
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