Non ADHD Spouse of ADHD spouse

[EH2019]

Hi everyone,

I'm new to here and new to seeking support for this. I recently got married a month ago, I've been with my now husband for 9 years prior. We've had our ups and downs with ADHD. I love how fun and spontaneous he is but now that we have real responsibilities, I'm finding it really hard to not feel like I'm doing everything. I've been reading tons of articles, and I realize that we have a Child-Parent relationship, where I am constantly having to manage his life along, with my life, help him with his work (he works from home) and manage the household duties. I'm really happy we are married, I feel better knowing that he's not going anywhere and neither am I, but I want us to be happy forever. I'm realizing it's going to take work, which is what I'm starting to do. My husband is not great at recognizing his ADHD symptoms and I just don't know how to help him without completely disrupting the system I have that works for me. I want him to be a partner in life, but I just don't trust him to complete projects he starts. I would really like to here how other people manage ADHD in an relationship, the things they do to equal things out and keep the spark alive.

Thanks

[cellardoor10]

Hi there,

I am an ADHD spouse, recently diagnosed at 30. In the 8 months I've been on medication, I've noticed a huge difference in my ability to be independent and follow through on commitments, keep a calendar, be on time, etc. I'm still learning new symptoms every day, it seems. My wife finally told me that these symptoms have really eroded the trust and love in our relationship, especially since she thought I was telling her that her requests were unreasonable and she needed to shrink her own needs (which I never intended).

I knew she got frustrated and disappointed with me, but I had no idea it was a long term, resentment-building situation. My brain works completely differently now than it did a year ago, and so now I need to spend time and effort showing her that, if I'm going to earn back her trust. But I guarantee you, that effort would never be successful without medication.

It could be that your husband doesn't realize the full depth of the harm his symptoms are causing. I would urge you to be honest about how it makes you feel, including long term resentment or making you feel gaslit, etc. If he can't commit to addressing the issues, taking his medication reliably, hearing your pain and working through it, then tell him what the stakes are. Is it divorce? Counseling? Something else? It sounds like he needs a reality check on how things impact you when he's not addressing his symptoms. That's definitely what it took for me.

I hope you're able to work through it and he hears you and strives to improve, and you keep an open heart and mind as he he tries to rework his daily life.

Jane

[EH2019 in reply to cellardoor10]

Thanks for the support and honesty. I'm just going to keeping trying to get us on the same page about this. I'm thinking about going to a support group for adults with ADHD to try and get tips on communicating with him. My biggest challenge is that I am already so frustrated and so is he about it.

[Maltesedoggies]

I am an ADHD x-spouse and I do not advocate divorce because you do not get married to divorce. Our divorce is recent and all I wanted was him to move forward with who or what makes him happy but the same issues will continue if he does not wake up. We are both older than you and his behavior and attitude towards his ADHD were never a problem to him and would not understand or listen when I would plead with him to see what this was doing to us as a couple. He had 67 years of perfecting his denial. This was him, your situation like everyone else is different. You are both young and the differences can be complimented. He was witty, smart and extremely talented. We did laugh a lot but when it came to responsibilities he did not do well spending when he did not have the money. He became board easily when there were projects he needed to complete. I never combined my income with his and looking back, good that I didn't . I was also the coach; I took care of everything from the finances to taking the garbage out. I was living with a childlike person in a mans body and I started to resent him and his carefree me, me attitude. Safety was not on his radar so I was not only a coach but security officer looking over our household. As I also learned he could juggle many thoughts - mostly racing, I was more laid back which seemed to work for us - at first.

I really do hope the best for you and your husband. Read what others have said and you will find the help and support to make it work.

[EH2019 in reply to Maltesedoggies]

it's hard to hear that this disorder can do that to a marriage. I'm having a hard time hearing that since I'm a newly wed. I can totally relate to the over spending or shopping. I read in one article it has to do with the excitement, reward feed back system, since people with ADHD are constantly seeking stimulation. One thing that drives me mad about ADHD is that constant need for stimulation, either sound or visual; as a neuro-typical person it's often over stimulating which triggers my anxiety. He wants me to wear noise canceling headphones but it just feels like I'm catering to his needs and he gets to ignore mine. We're both pretty stubborn I guess.

[mindexplore]

Hi EH2019,

I realize your post is a few weeks old but I thought I'd reach out because I just signed up for the forum because, like you, I'm recently married (2 years ago) to someone who was diagnosed last year.

There are a few suggestions I can give you from my experience. Please forgive the length of this post - it turned into a novel but there are just so many facets to this... I hope some of it is helpful.

If he hasn't already, one of the first steps is that he really does need to accept the reality of his condition, though, and take responsibility for it and how his behavior impacts you and the relationship and his ability to be a true, equal partner. If he hasn't done that and isn't interested in working on it then you may need to back up a few steps and have some heart to hearts and/or get some professional help, together, before my other suggestions will be helpful. So your first step might be to get to couples counseling with someone who understands ADHD, and for him to get an official diagnosis if he hasn't gotten one yet. (I'm talking about the multiple-hours full examination that they do to officially diagnose it, not just a doctor saying "you seem like you might have ADHD, I can write you a prescription if you want.")

My husband has seen a lot of improvement since getting diagnosed, taking medication, and finding a good therapist. It took a couple of tries to find the right person, but she has helped him so much and continues to do so. He goes to see her every 1-2 weeks and he's getting more confident and settled in himself than I've ever seen him.

I also started making a big effort to work on my part of the equation - specifically, to stop taking care of things for him. (To stop "parenting".) It was really hard at first because it was like an instinct on my part, because I wanted to prevent problems/chaos/disaster, and I'm honestly still working on retraining that instinct. But basically I had to tell myself that for most things, he might not follow through or finish it or what-have-you, and that's OK... I had to let the chips fall where they may. It definitely allowed more chaos in but it also put the responsibility for his life back in his court, and I think that's one of the 100% necessary steps, even though there will definitely be bumps along the way. In some ways it was uncomfortable for me at first but there was also a sense of relief not to constantly be alert and try to predict and prevent every possible bad thing that could happen.

We also had some honest conversations about things he just cannot seem to effectively keep up with on his own that were causing major problems for us, repeatedly - for example, our finances - and we agreed together that I would take responsibility for them. This removed most of the parenting dynamic in that area because he was relieved to officially have that off his plate, and I was relieved that I had his support to fully deploy my skills to getting our finances to where I want them / we need them to be if we're going to reach our life goals. It was basically like, this is how we're going to split the division of labor for this thing in our relationship. Conversely, we also look for the things that he does great that I don't do well or like doing -- for example, he loves grocery shopping and I don't love it so he has taken that on; he also likes doing the laundry, because he can do it while listening to podcasts/books - and I'm thrilled to have those off my plate and he really feels good about doing them.

My husband was relieved to be officially diagnosed because it explained a lot of his suffering over the years that he'd never quite understood, so he jumped into learning all about ADHD. He did this himself and I think that it really is his job to do that, and not mine to drive or push. He's told me about some of the resources he has found interesting / helpful in learning about living with his ADHD. Maybe your husband will be open to digging into some of these and learning from other people what helped them.

My husband felt really seen and understood when reading/watching the following things:

Watch

- The "How to ADHD" series on YouTube. She has ADHD and she is really caring and encouraging while also being honest about the struggles

Read (audiobook version, because he finds it really hard to sit still and read book)

- Driven to Distraction

- The ADHD Effect on Marriage (we are working through this together right now. highly, highly recommended. I wish we'd read it years ago.)

- Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (this is not ADHD-specific but it has helped us a lot with how we relate to each other; we're still working through this together, too.)

The other big suggestion I'd make is to go to couple counseling. Find someone who understands ADHD, if you can. But even if not, it has helped us *immensely* toward understanding each other's perspectives, starting to break out of the parent-child dynamic, and identifying some ways to improve how we are with each other. Marriage is challenging enough without ADHD but with it... I don't know if we'd be able to stay together without someone professional who can help us understand this unusual situation and how to change our expectations and approaches to fit the reality of it. I think there are studies that show that marriages that involve an ADHD partner have a higher divorce rate, and I totally understand why it would be that much harder to make it all work out.

I will say that even with all that, we're still having a lot of struggles. We were together for 5 years before he got diagnosed and in that time I built up a lot of anger, resentment and frustration toward him and mostly stopped trusting him to follow through on things. He felt down on himself a lot for not living up to his own intentions and hopes. We developed the parent-child dynamic big time. Medication and therapy have helped a lot but things were really bad to begin with and they haven't magically gotten 100% better since his diagnosis. He still has many of those challenging habits and nowadays I get fed up easily, like my patience is all used up. I was a lot more patient in the early years, but I had no idea it would go on this long and be this hard. (Or that he even had ADHD.) I definitely feel hurt and disrespected a lot, now, like I'm being taken advantage of because I do all of our life management, whether or not it's something I enjoy doing. I manage all of our finances, any big life projects (like moving to our new apartment; buying a house, and we're starting IVF soon), keeping our house in order and comfortable, meal planning, scheduling time with friends/family... And then when I try to give him updates or gently include him in some logistics/decisions that require his input, he frequently gets frustrated and overwhelmed and it turns into a fight. We both still have a lot to figure out about how this is going to work.

It hurts even more because we've talked a lot over the years about emotional labor and how he really really wants it to be evenly distributed across us both (instead of defaulting to me, the woman, like is typical in our society), and yet it doesn't happen. It feels like I signed up for this marriage being told one thing and what is happening is the opposite. And it's not due to a lack of understanding on his part, it seems, about the toll that takes on me, or a lack of agreement on his part - he says it should be different too. But, his actions don't line up with his words or beliefs. I have starting to wonder just how capable he really is at accomplishing even a somewhat-egalitarian partnership, since at this point it seems like he is really unable to take on anything close to his fair share and be a real partner to me. That may be unrealistic for me to expect, now that we know he has ADHD. And we've talked about my needs and feelings ad nauseam... it's not that he isn't aware or on board with it, philosophically. But he also seems to have a hard time drawing realistic boundaries and admitting to when he won't be able to do something, which means I always have to be really skeptical of things he promises and that I can't rely on his word. So I feel a lot of sadness around that. I'm starting to think I need to be honest with myself and admit that I'm not going to have a life partner that shares the load with me. It feels like something that I really need to mourn, and learn to accept. And even though I've been a pretty independent person most of my life, I'm having a hard time feeling OK with that. I thought it would be different when I was married and instead I'm managing twice as much!

I realize this isn't the most encouraging message and I hope you don't mind me sharing so much of my current situation. I hope it might help to hear from someone else that you're not along, though. If you want to keep in touch and share resources and ideas, I'd be up for that. I don't think there is a separate place on here for non-ADHD partner concerns so I'd love to stay connected with the non-ADHD partners in this group so we can talk about our concerns and share the lessons we learn as we navigate it.

[EH2019 in reply to mindexplore]

Hi Mindexplore,

Thank you for reaching out to me on this thread, ADHD is hard for everyone involved. It can be very isolating, especially when comparing to other couples who don't have to deal with ADHD. I'd love to keep in touch too.

Your story sounds just like mine, which I'm finding is really common for us non-ADHD spouses.

My husband has become more open to change recently after I read him a few passages from the book "The ADHD affect on marriage". I realizing he wasn't doing much about it because I wasn't doing much about it. I've also been watching you tube videos from Gina Pera they have given me so much insight.

My husband's parents have been married for over 30 years, they recently separated over issues that I believe are ADHD related as well. I think his mother has ADHD and research is showing a strong genetic link. Which is why I want so badly to get this better figured out for our marriage sake and for the sake of our future children. Since they will probably inherit it as well.

I'm not sure how to privately message you. But I'd love to talk more, maybe we can become each others support. And when we find others like us be there for them too.

Your post really made my day, thank you.

[mindexplore in reply to EH2019]

I've been feeling really lonely and I'm so glad we've connected. I just responded to your PM.

I hadn't heard about Gina Pera, it looks like she has a lot out there on adult ADHD. I'm going to check her out.

I'm so sorry to hear about your in-laws. That must be tough. We think my husband's mother likely has it, too (although not officially diagnosed) and we are aware that our kids are likely to have it too.

I desperately want to figure out how to navigate the challenges of ADHD so I can spend more time appreciating all the things that I love about him. Right now that scale feels super unbalanced, way too heavy on the side of frustration and disappointment.

[AnonYYC in reply to mindexplore]

Dear Mindexplore. Reading your post was very helpful. I'm the non-adhd spouse and I completely understand what you are sharing. I wish there was a group for non-adhd spouses. It's really hard.

[WK572023 in reply to mindexplore]

I dont know if this is too old to respond to, but i can relate totally. A Non-ADHD spouse here & feel the parent/child dynamic going on. I would keep in touch on this

[catlover333 in reply to mindexplore]

That’s the hard part. Continue with the marriage and life together and know I might never feel fulfilled or supported as I thought. Or decide to go separate ways even though that would be absolutely heartbreaking. Also have upcoming IVF and can’t help but wonder if I should freeze my eggs instead of making embryos and doing a transfer.

[Momfour in reply to catlover333]

Are you 100% sure you want to have kids with the same diagnosis as your husband? As a Mom of 4, 2 of which have ADHD (as well as my husband), I am beyond exhausted. It is so much worse to support the children, because it is definitely lifelong and not solved by divorce. To watch them struggle is the worst kind of pain.

[SeekingtheSunshine]

I know this was posted a year ago, but I found relief reading through the helpful comments left here. My husband has ADHD and we're at an all time low, especially me (resentment, negativity, feeling isolated). I'm going to order the book discussed above this week!

[LifesLesson]

old post but im going to add my 3 cents ... not to be mean maltiese.... but u pretty much divorced ur husband because he has ADHD.... like those are ALL symptoms of adhd.. and living with ADHD is super hard. I kinda feel bad for your husband.

[catlover333 in reply to LifesLesson]

It seems like some people take responsibility for their adhd and try to show up as much as possible and some don’t. Do you think it’s ok to stay with someone who doesn’t make the effort?

Adhd is also a partner “diagnoses” because it affects the partner in a huge way especially if the partner doesn’t take responsibility. I see some partners that are very responsible but some of them are very active as some people with adhd are and maybe that helps. People with “add” struggle with the active part as I’ve understood.