We are in in our 60's and he has recently been diagnosed with ADHD. We found out by being at our wits ends and about to divorce after 25 years and thru counseling it was discovered. I was shocked at how the descriptions fit both him and myself. I am the responsible one, I do take care of alot of the home and all the rest of the story that Im sure you all know, but now we know why.
Im in the early stages of figuring out my role in how to manage this to save our marriage and just wondered if this board is for that or just for the one who have the adhd?
Looking for support and input of how I can help and not feel so exhausted
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From my perspective, you are certainly welcome here.
This forum was made for adults with ADHD, but many of us are, were or will be in relationships.
(I was married until a year and a half ago. I can remember a lot of how my then-undiagnosed ADHD caused frustration for my wife. Maybe if I'd been diagnosed earlier, we might still be married; probably not, because she had her own issues that contributed to the end of our marriage.)
I do think it's great that you are looking for support, so I hope you can find some of it here.
Another ADHD support organization known as ADDA (add.org) lists a spouse support group. (I have to experience with ADDA's groups, so I can't really recommend it, but he's the info.)
Thank you for your reply and kindness. Its only been about 8 months since the diagnosis and while it does help to explain some things, it doesnt solve the frustration issues and I dont know how to get past those and be more helpful to him. We have got caught in this pattern and I need to be able to get out of it and see him differently now and just not sure how. The counselor we are seeing is more for his help and she doesnt have much for me, she seems to exclude me and seems focused on him so I feel I need to find my help elsewhere. I will look into the other site you mentioned, thank you. With you being the one with adhd, is there any tips you can tell me that maybe you would of found helpful from your wife? Im sorry if it brings up old wounds and if you would rather not respond, I get it.
In the relationship counseling, it should be about both of you in the relationship. It's okay to tell the counselor that you feel like all the focus is on your husband. But there are two of you in the relationship.
* Advice I've heard is that it's wise to interview a marriage counselor before booking with them, and asking them, "who do you see as the client...me, my partner, or the marriage". It's been suggested that the best answer they can give is "the marriage". (Each marriage is a unique entity, made up of two unique individuals. No two are the same, so the same methods won't work for all. My parents' marriage is different from either of my grandparents' marriages, and yet they have all stood the test of time.)
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When I was trying to save my marriage from ending, I did a ton of research into relationships and counseling options. I learned at lot of things, including:
1) When going through relationship struggles, it's often advisable for each partner to be in individual counseling, as well as doing relationship/marriage counseling as a couple.
2) It is best for both partners to be actively focused on improving their side of the relationship.
3) "It only takes one person to save a marriage." ~Dr. Joe Beam, founder of Marriage Helper International
4) The common saying that "marriage is 50:50" is incorrect... marriage is 100:100. Each partner ought to have a 100% commitment to their spouse and their relationship. [Note: this is my own opinion, not a research finding. Your and others' opinions may differ from mine. I'm okay with that.]
5) "Be [genuinely] curious about each other."~Dr. John Gottman, founder of the Gottman Institute
>Gottman's 40+ years of research into relationships, marriage and divorce have produced some key findings, including:
• Couples who speak 5 times as many positive things to each other as negative things tend to stay married. (The lower the ratio is, compared to 5:1, the more likely they are too separate or divorce.)
• In a relationship, a partners can Turn Towards, Turn Away, or Turn Against each other. Turning Towards can help the relationship grow and be more stable. Turning Away can weaken the relationship. Turning Against each other can damage or destroy a relationship.
6) Use "I" statements, instead of "you" statements, especially when you have to bring up something negative. e.g. Instead of saying "you make me so mad when you _____!", take a slow breath in and out, then say something more like, "I am feeling upset right now, because of _____." This is because "you" statements are usually perceived as accusations against their character, instead of expressions of your feelings.
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I appreciate your empathy for my situation. It has been long enough, and I've gone through enough therapy, that the wounds have mostly healed. (My ex-wife and I have gotten into a stable co-parenting relationship. We had a strong enough friendship before and during most of our marriage, that we managed to eventually fall back on the friendship after the marriage fell apart. Of course, therapy helped me with fostering a growth mindset...to move forward without constantly looking back at what i 'lost'.)
Thank you for all the information. My thoughts have kind of been the same about me needing to find my own therapist, she is focused on helping him with adhd and more than once I have been told by the therapist, "your input is not needed" so I tend to feel not needed in the sessions.
I am curious and maybe I should post this is as a new thread? Of the medication he is on is the Atomoxetine, the non habit forming, and I dont see that mentioned here but would like to know if others received help from this med
Im glad you have healed and able to move on from your situation, you sound like you are in a great place, Im happy for you
Great! Then I'm sure that you will find that I have posted that I am on atomoxetine. For me, it has been a life changer! (I had helped me a lot, but other people who have tried it didn't find it as beneficial.)
That would be a good discussion to have separately from this one.
I really empathize with your situation. I am 60 and trying to hang on with a daughter diagnosed as ADHD in college, a husband who is in the process of getting evaluated (and a 95 year old mom who will not be diagnosed). I can say that the way I have tried to cope is through my own sanity maintenance sessions with a social worker, and through trying to be compassionate to their condition. You mentioned that the descriptions of ADHD also fit your own situation, which is the case for me as well. When I am most frustrated I try to think of the times in my own life when I was least able to 'just do' that thing that everyone else seemed to have no trouble doing. Sometimes it makes me more forgiving, and sometimes it makes me resent he hasn't learned how to manage like I did. (That's when I am lucky to live near a great park where I can take a walk.) It might be best for you to separate any couples work from his therapy, and maybe give him some time just to focus on what he needs to start. The book "Dirty Laundry: Why Adults with ADHD Are So Ashamed & What We Can Do To Help" was helpful to me. I got it for my daughter, who was having roommate issues, and I read it before I sent it to her. It's not a perfect book, but it is funny and gave a good perspective.
Hi, and thank you for the reply. I should clarify what I meant about me fitting the description was I fit the description of the non adhd spouse, being frustrated, irritated, feeling alone etc etc. That was what ended up sending us to counseling and then we discovered his adhd and when the descriptions came out of the adhd and the spouse, we were both like, wow, thats us.
Im sorry you are having to deal with so much more than me, that sounds like alot, so I empathize with you as well. I appreciate your suggestion of the walks, because there are days when enough is enough and I have done that, go out to the garden or go for a walk. He understands, thankfully and tries to get what Im feeling, even though he cant. My issue is I dont want to blame everything on adhd, and I need to know how to separate what is and isnt. I am learning a whole new way of loving and being compassionate, I look back at some things I have said or issues we have had and I feel horrible, now knowing that our brains are not working the same.
Thanks for the book suggestion, I have recently been looking into reading all I can about it to try and save our marriage, 25 years this week
I’ve never found a resource I love for neurotypical spouses. Most of what I’ve seen either blames the ADHD spouse or lets them off the hook entirely. I’m the ADHD partner and I don’t want to blamed or infantilized! I think there’s a balance between supporting and enabling the ADHD spouse. And from my own perspective, I’m trying to find a balance of self compassion and also being responsible to my husband and my family. It might be out there but I’ve never really seen it articulated. On my end, I’ve been in therapy, take medication and am working with a coach. We have really broken down the chores and divided them up although its always kind of a mess because we’re human and there’s just too much to do. We also have a kid with autism so we kind of have to keep our ish together to some degree. This all took many years of hammering out and it’s still hard and the house is a mess and we suck at budgeting. But it still has to be a two way street, even if one partner has adhd. You should definitely find a therapist for yourself - but make sure that person actually understands neurodiversity. Trying to apply psychodynamic theory without understanding brain chemistry is worse than useless. But you need someone to vent to and help you set boundaries. Also, I’d give your husband some time to process his new diagnosis d see how it goes. There’s one podcast that I like a lot called “ADHD Aha!” She doesn’t give advice, she interviews adults with ADHD about their experiences. It might help give some insight on what it’s like inside the Adhd mind. If you have more specific questions feel free to ask them here.
Thank you MaudQ Ive been searching and searching with not much luck, and maybe its because there isnt as much for the non adhd spouse like you discovered. I have to admit I did feel kind of shamed or blamed with the current therapist we were both using, it wasnt like that until the diagnosis and then it all seemed to shift. At first it was just to address our issues jointly, but then I felt singled out.
I agree with not wanting to enable him, I dont want it to be a reason not to participate, but then I have to say he does want to help, he just doesnt remember things that need to be done. It was kind of an ah-ha moment for him, because he has struggled with this for longer than I have known him, but yet he never wanted to talk about it. I have to get over the fact that I need to remind him, that has bothered me in the past but maybe now I can be more compassionate about why. I have always been the organized, detailed, financial person of the house and now so much is all making sense. I need to be able to view things differently and not get caught in the parent/child situation. And youre right, finding a therapist that does not understand this dynamic would be useless and more frustrating to me.
It sounds like you have alot on your plate, thank you for taking the time to respond
Hi, I’m 50, have been married 14 years, and was diagnosed with ADHD a few months ago. My husband and I have significant life stress also because both of our kids have autism and ADHD. My husband does not have ADHD. I’m educated and have a professional degree but definitely have some annoying ADHD traits that are driving my husband crazy. I’m on medication but definitely feel that medication doesn’t fix everything difficult about ADHD. My husband and I are about to start couples counseling and are specifically looking for a counselor who specializes in neurodiverse couples (Eg 1 or both people in couple has ADHD or autism). We wanted this expertise because our marital stress is partly from managing our children and partly from me having ADHD. I don’t know where you live. Maybe try googling for someone who specializes in that in your area? There may even be counseling via Zoom etc. I know telehealth may not be ideal, but someone with that specialized focus might really help. My husband and I aren’t even considering a regular couples counselor because we absolutely need someone who understands autism because our child rearing experience is so different. Best wishes.
Hi, thanks for your input and I agree 100%, the counselor has to have expertise in this field. The first one we went to , did not and she wanted to play a blame game with it all being my fault. I tried to accept it at first until it was actually my husband, with the adhd, that said it was not my fault and said she was not familiar enough and we stopped, whew ! Im so thankful he was able to know that and not let it beat me down even more than I already do.
Your household sounds like a handful and it makes mine look simpler, still challenging, but not as much as yours. We so much want to stay together but need help on figuring a way for both of us to handle this better than we have.
Definitely!!!! You need tools and your husband needs maximum treatment and management strategies. It’s not an easy road. My husband and I luckily have a strong love for each other. It’s still very challenging though. Best wishes to you.
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