I am a newly diagnosed 54 year old man who has struggled with meds since being diagnosed. I understand now why things have gone so horribly with the way that I interact with my wife. I am accountable for my past actions and am truly sorry. I have apologized to her and I have deeply hurt us. I am being told that the way I have being doing things when I forget to do something as a mistake. I truly don’t mean to forget. I respond terribly when I am told I am making mistakes. I would like to know if there was anything I can do to earn a little more understanding.
First post, and I’m new to this. My next therapy session is not for a few days and I just had to let some things out.
Thank you for listening.
Written by
raidmule
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You are most definitely not alone.Some things that have helped me in my marriage and relationships- ADDitude Magazine - their online quizzes- to explain differences between the ways my brain vs. My mom / sister / spouse brain work. Comparing results and explanations of the results helped the most in my relationships with my mom and sister.
I also listen to the Struggle Care podcast by KC Davis, and that has helped me better understand my new diagnosis and learn how to explain it to my husband in a way he can relate to. She also brings in field experts, and that was encouraging to me. KC herself is a therapist, so seeing her awareness of herself and that perspective has been helpful to me.
Something that brings me joy- ADHDLove- it is a couple, I follow their instagram. They have grown, and the husband has learned that his wife's behaviors are not malicious- that it is a symptom, not a flaw, and then learns how to best support her / identify her struggles / catch her in spirals before it gets worse. Those are goals for my relationship- both being on the same page with what is going on, and neither party taking it personally.
I'd encourage you to first seek answers for yourself, then seek to teach others. I don't think we will ever earn understanding - they cannot comprehend anyone's brain not being neurotypical just like we didn't realize life wasn't this difficult for everyone else. It takes an element of willingness on your spouse's side.
Thank you for the kind words of encouragement. I appreciate what you are saying. I have tried to show her articles from ADDitude magazine and I had the words from articles turned around on me and she said that did not want to understand why I am the way I am. She has been extremely hurt by my emotional and impulsive outbursts that she seems unwilling to understand and accept that I am doing the best I can and that I don’t intend to be this way. My prayers are that she has not been hurt to the point that there is no way back.
Ah, that is rough. I'll keep you both in my thoughts and prayers. Focus on your newfound strengths (hyperfocus is a superpower), and what good those can bring! I learned to not use ADHD when explaining my actions or decisions, because my husband writes it off as an excuse. I largely use it for myself and work on thriving and functioning to the best of my ability. I'm happier and kinder, and as a result, he is too.
yeah I was just told not four hours ago that she did not want to have anything to do with my excuses when I said that my mind is not the same. I should have not said that. I appreciate the advice and the prayers. The same goes back to you and yours as well.
In life we all make mistakes, we should be understanding of others, and others should be understanding of us. Sometimes it’s hard for others to be understanding of us with ADHD, Eventually though, hopefully, your wife will see that you are trying, and will forgive the last, and will want to help you on your journey, just like you’ve probably helped her with things during your marriage.
It will take time. You have to develop acceptance of yourself and your ADHD diagnosis, and your wife has to develop acceptance of you as you are and of your ADHD diagnosis.
I was diagnosed at 45, and my wife (who knew me and my ADHD traits better than anyone else) at first refused to consider that I have ADHD. That was 19 years into our marriage, and all that time she had been telling me things like "if it matters to you enough, you'll remember/get it done". (That's a typical attitude for a neurotypical person. It's harder for them to empathize with us, than it is for us to empathize with their frustration with us and our ADHD struggles).
It was at least a year after my diagnosis and the improvement that meds had made for me that she first openly acknowledged my ADHD, and by then she was filing for divorce. (She didn't divorce me for any reason having to do with me. At the same time as I was in my first ADHD medication trials, she had fallen in love with someone else and had started an affair. She left me for the other man. No sympathy needed, we're now over a year post-divorce and in a good co-parenting arrangement for our youngest kids.)
Some neurotypical spouses embrace the diagnosis of the ADHD spouse. Others never accept it. Hopefully your wife is the former, not the latter.
Patience is needed. It's like your wife has to get to know you all over again. Her beliefs about ADHD are a core part of this. Couples counseling might help. There is information out there for spouses of us ADHDers, but sadl5 way too little.
The following video might help move the conversation along:
You need to decide whether you are asking her to accept that this is the way you are and she cannot expect it to change, and then understand that if she actually believes you and accepts that, she may decide that she can’t stay with you. If she really believes that you are doing your best, her conclusion may be that your best isn’t good enough for her to have the marriage she wants.
You want her to accept you as you are. You also may need to accept her as she is - her needs are not less legitimate than yours. If you can’t meet those needs, it doesn’t make either of you wrong, but it might make the two of you incompatible.
She can’t expect you to magically overcome your challenges, but you also can’t expect her to magically stop needing what she needs.
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