Support for ADHD Spouse

[SeekingtheSunshine]

My husband has always had ADHD and the last time he was on medication was about 7 years ago. When he was on medication, I did notice he was more focused, more intentional about how time was spent, and things were smoother. Fast forward to now, we are both working full time, have an active toddler, and he's finishing his masters. Things have come to an all time low for us and I feel like for me it's the lack of education I have surrounding living with an ADHD spouse. I would really appreciate any tips/feedback. Especially from those that are married and the ones with ADHD - how do I keep my spouse accountable? how do I delegate chores/tasks? how should I talk about it (or should I talk about it at all?) Thank you!

[GatsbyCat]

Hello Seeking the Sunshine~

Welcome to the group!! In my relationship, I have ADHD, not him. So it's a bit of a role reversal in that I am the disorganized one, and the one who needs help.

First of all, it's important for the ADHD partner to continue medication that works, along with working on behavior. If he's not already seen a therapist, I highly recommend he go to therapy and/or a coach. They can totally help.

You sound like a very supportive partner, (lucky me I have a wonderful partner too) that wants to learn more about his condition. I can recommend ADDitude magazine, which has a lot of great articles marriage with ADHD. Also, there is a YouTube channel called "How to ADHD" by Jessica McCabe

And, I'd recommend sitting down with him and dividing up the chores for the house, money - who handles it, pays bills, caring for your toddler. Make a weekly chart and use a daily reminder system that works for both of you. Here's a list of the best ADHD apps: healthline.com/health/adhd/...

Sometimes, I feel like the child in a parent-child relationship. BUT, as an ADHD'er, I am focusing very hard on doing 1 thing successfully every day. When it's done I experience a sense of happiness, knowing that I did it. I've also had successful jobs, etc in the past, so I guess I'm a "high functioning ADHD'er".. they usually involved multiple tasks, not focusing solely on one thing. My issues seem to be at home, where I've taken advantage of my partners good will. I have been selfish, and not allowed my partner enough time to explore his own interests, etc...

In the process of becoming a better me through (these might also be good for your hubby)

1. Journaling- every day I write 3 things to be grateful for, and how I'm feeling, what I've done or NOT done... be totally honest here.

2. Meditation- I like the Mindful Movement guided meditations

3. Excersize- I try to do 42 minutes of eliptical daily and a CD for Pilates. Movement has been shown to release dopamine- great for ADHD'er and also good for the brains

4. Focus on tasks at hand... Do not get distracted Do 1 at a time

5. The ADHD Effect on Marriage is a great book. Read it together, do the excersizes as well

Whew... lots of writing and suggestions... Hope this helps you out.. I'm coming from the other side, and in past have needed LOTS of help. Let your partner fail in doing things, as that's also how ADHD folks learn to be accountable... We don't like it, but we learn from it.

Enjoy this wonderful journey of life, and keep on learning.

Best regards~

GatsbyCat

[SeekingtheSunshine in reply to GatsbyCat]

Thank you so much GatsbyCat, your perspective and tips are very helpful! I just ordered that book, so I'm excited to read it. One issue I can see imploding is convincing my husband that his ADHD is creating issues for me individually, in which he doesn't think he's the problem. I've tried to reword this by saying it's the ADHD but overall he doesn't want to feel at fault for anything. How do I get him on track to going back and seeing a doctor/getting on medication for this? It sounds like you were fully accepting of your ADHD and sought help, but my strong-willed husband gives me the strong impression that it isn't as bad as he thinks it is.

[GatsbyCat in reply to SeekingtheSunshine]

Hi, again~

Read the other posts of DD and Dred. Although I was accepting of my diagnosis, I was also not very excited (originally) of doing treatment and medication.

What got me to do both was the idea of "Hey, you can be EXCEPTIONAL and have this great life if you'll do xxx and xxy - fill in the blanks of treatment and medication". What worked was the idea of future rewards, more trips, and shared love of taking photos - BTW, we did get great photography equipment.

For men especially, I am sorry to say that the word "DIVORCE" is sort of the one that gets their attention... BUT in your case, you might not want to do that..Reading your other posts, sounds like his family doesn't believe in ADHD...but actually according to CDC at least 9.1 of the worlds population has it; it is likely genetic, and so it needs to be investigated.

Since your hubby is most likely a "highly functioning ADHD'er"- which I am as well, try out the rewards, and cajole him into restarting the medication. Remind him of the benefits, which for me (and sounds like for him) were/are very good. I'm currently taking 25mg of Focalin and it has really helped with my mental clarity.

Remind him also that even though he's getting straight A's now in his program, that getting back on his medication will help him maintain calmness in stressful situations (tests, interviews, etc).

Another thing that helps ADHD people is: (You can do these together and with toddler)

Meditation - try YouTube- the mindful movement - Guided Meditation for Anxiety

Excersize- Walking, biking, pilates... whatever

Read the magazine ADDitude as well- these will help you learn ways to help yourself and family.

Hope these ideas help you out!!

Best~

GatsbyCat

[GatsbyCat in reply to SeekingtheSunshine]

One last thing-

Tell your hubby it's NOT HIM -it's the ADHD. It is a condition about having a differently wired brain- neuro diverse. And, we are born with it, so he could not help that. Most likely, it is genetic- parents, or aunt, etc...

And, if you're feeling it, it's bad. I'm strong willed too, and don't like to take blame either, so I understand his viewpoint. BUT ADHD can really cause issues in relationships.

Also, there's a CBT - Cognitive Based Therapy approach to ADHD, which is based on certain movements to achieve different behavior. The therapist I went to was crappy, so I "fired" her, and am looking for a new one.

A book which I just received yesterday is from a preiminent authority on ADHD and he also talks about solutions/ tasks and relationships, finances, etc... It's really good

Taking Charge of Adult ADHD 1st Edition

by Russell A. Barkley (Author)

Hope this helps you out, and thank you for being a great partner. You are wonderful.

Best~

GatsbyCat

[DustysDad]

Hi SeekingtheSunshine, I'M the ADHD spouse, though not diagnosed until about 5 years ago. My wife has put up with me for 45 years now, not altogether happily. I, too, went off my meds ("convinced" my doctor I was doing better ..... ) without talking it over with her. Behavior and attitude gradually worsened, again resulting in threat of the nuclear option (divorce) which ALWAYS gets my attention! We're older, retired, so kids are grown and gone. (Having a toddler complicates options, I know, but the hard discussions must be undertaken if change is to take place.) Accountability, reliability, trust are all issues of mine that I am working on. Recently back on meds (kind of makes me feel like I'm a failure in some ways to have to rely on meds to help me cope) which is helping I believe. I recently looked ainto hiring a Coach but instead decided to start another round of therapy for now. It's really hard when the ADD person (me) thinks they're "just fine" and that their spouse should "just learn to accept them as they are." Your husband (like me) needs to be less self-centered (selfish?) and work towards actions, behavior and "thinking" that is beneficial to You Both and Family. It's hard, really hard, and will take work and effort. My wife has been patient with me over the years, sometimes maybe too accepting, and yes, sometimes seemingly "nagging" (because regrettably that's what it took to get me moving). Good for you to be seeking help from those who have gone down (or are currently on) this road. If nothing else, hearing other people's experiences and ideas should help.

Good luck, and know that people care and want to help! DustysDad

[Hidden]

I am the one with ADHD in my marriage. I was diagnosed about 3 years ago. The only reason I was seeking a diagnosis of any kind was because my family needed me to be better. I couldn't continue being the bad version of myself without medication. I mostly had issues controlling my emotions during stressful situations. My symptoms worsened when we had kids (2). The added stress and constant needing of my attention from them was overwhelming. Long story short....your husband is probably doing just fine without medication (on his own). But he needs to consider who is affected by his short comings around him. Unfortunately it took the word "divorce" before I realized just how serious my wife was when she asked me to get help for the fifth time. I don't resent her for it and am a better person for it now that I have gotten help.

Your husband needs to educate himself on what ADHD is in reality. Only about %20 of people with ADHD suffer from attention deficit as a symptom, the rest are symptoms nobody associates with ADHD. Also, nobody likes to think there is something wrong with them but nobody wants to be alone either. He will either need to support you and his family by seeking help or he will find himself alone one day. The reason I say this, you will get tired mentally and physically from taking care of him. You will eventually become his mom and not his wife. Trust me, after 18 years with my wife, it is a natural occurrence for a nurturing wife to take care for her husband. But over time that turns in to a bigger job as his needs become greater; your needs fall to the waist side. I am not saying this to scare you but as a warning. You are at an advantage point in which you can take steps to take care of yourself while pushing him to take care of himself. My wife didn't see it coming and now I am playing "clean-up" with the mess I caused unknowingly. But like you, she is a loving and supportive wife and we will get through this. But only because I am medicated (Vyvanse) and am actively changing my bad behaviors in to good ones.

Good luck on this journey and feel free to ask me questions along the way.

[SeekingtheSunshine]

Thank you both DustysDad and Dred1986 for sharing your perspective and experience being the spouse with ADHD. It sounds like both of you at some point, accepted that your ADHD was affecting the relationship. Leading up to that, did you spouse ever voice this concern and you weren't accepting of it? I believe my husband is high functioning, which makes this conversation with him always hard because he is capable of understanding high level concepts and also engaging in conversations regarding them (he has straight A's so far in his masters program). My concern/difficulty is the small things that constantly add up everyday - lack of attention, impulsiveness, the strong need for dopamine (he's on a solid exercise regime but he also get's a kick of dopamine when spending time with other people, he's an extrovert). I think overall, how do I get him to see the issues I've been dealing with are symptoms of the non-ADHD spouse without offending him? I think the other thing that makes this bad is that we will near his family, so they are fully accepting of him the way he is and don't see it as ADHD at all.

[Hidden]

Hey, sorry I would have responded earlier but I didn't see your message. You would need to respond directly to my comment for me to know that you have a question for me.

I did not know that I had ADHD at first. I did not know what I had but I knew that my issues were not normal. My issues were with controlling my emotions. That is more difficult to deal with as a spouse. I was not a happy person to live with and my wife found herself on egg shells around me. I did not know I was acting in a wrong way and did not know that I was causing harm to my marriage. It was when she began to talk to me about what her issues were with my behavior and how it was affecting her; that I began to listen. It was not a one time conversation though. It took several and in fact she would take the opportunity to point out my bad behavior when it was occurring. Unfortunately it still took her finally saying "I'm Done!" before I took her seriously. Once I saw myself for who I was, that is when started to seek help. I went to several doctors, through several medications, and came out the other side having been misdiagnosed with a mood disorder. It wasn't until my wife was researching ADHD for my daughter that she realized that I had it too. That is what led me to seek a diagnosis and help for ADHD. Keep in mind though, all that time that I was seeing doctors and taking medications, I was fulfilling a promise to my wife. I promised that I would actively seek help and treatment for my issues, not to get complacent or give up.

I live on property with my extended family and they are all just like I was three years ago. They all have undiagnosed ADHD. Most importantly my dad has the same issues with his emotions. He is now 60 and it just looks so silly when he loses control. I am thankful that my wife helped me and I can live a "normal" life. With that said, I care more about my wife's opinion of me than I do of my families opinions. I married her and she will be with me until I am old and gray (God willing). My family will not be there for me. So it is in my best interest to not have my wife resent me but to love me without fearing me or avoiding me.

So, do some research, read the book purchased as suggested from a previous member's post, and build your case. Then when the time is right have a good sit down heart to heart talk with your husband. Expect it to go terribly at first and maybe even fail miserably but don't give up. At some point you will find a way to get through to him. Like several post including mine, sometimes you just have to say "I'm done!" before a hard headed man will begin to listen.

[motherofdragons62]

Hi everyone, I am so happy to find this group. My 62 yr old partner of 3 years has just been informally "diagnosed" with ADD/ADHD/Hyperfocus. We are at the start of this journey and I am worried that he won't /can't follow through with treatment. The positives are that I can finally understand the "why" he behaves the way he does and can stop taking the inattentiveness ,disorganization, neglect, gas lighting, personally. He is looking at his life in a different light now and needs the time to grieve the lack of diagnosis until now. Do any of you have experience or know someone who has gotten a diagnosis this late in life and was able to succeed in managing symptoms? I was so ready to walk away and now I have some hope that we can live a better life with some help.