Help Me Understand

[JenniferG17]

Hello! My husband has ADHD, anxiety, depression and OCD. Lately he has pushed all focus to one subject ( a religious group within our faith) and spends every moment he has watching YouTube, reading articles online, ordering books on the subject (most of which are never opened) while all other areas of his life seem to be left out. Personal hygiene is gone, he has stopped studying to further his career, has not done any yardwork or helped with household chores in months, has stopped going to other meetings for organizations he was proud to be part of.... I have tried understanding why he is so focused on this group and all I get is "I need to be a better person". He won't elaborate and barely talks about this organization and what they do. I dont want to be the nagging wife who asks daily "did you shower today? Did you eat lunch? Did you take your medication?"...but it seems to be necessary that I ask these things. His time management is completely gone and often leaves his phone home or in the car so trying to find out where he is typically is impossible. I have multiple back up alarms set each morning to be sure he gets out of the house on time. I had given him a smart watch recently and he claimed he could not set it up until he finished a specific book (The Checklist Manifesto) - I asked him to explain why, the book and the watch were connected and he could not give me a reason that it was "just something he had to do". I've begged and pleaded for him to contact the therapist he had worked with a few years ago (cognitive behavioral therapist) that he enjoyed working with and who had given him some amazing tools that worked for him. I've asked him if I could join his sessions to find out how I can help. His only response is "yeah I'll call and set something up" I ask when and it's usually "after dinner/as soon as I get home/right before i go to bed" or some other activity...since October. Last night I tried again asking why he has lost all enthusiasm for everything else, including our pursuit of adopting an infant. Again I get no answers....he has reverted back to no eye contact when we talk, I try reminding him to look at me, I give him time to respond and process what we are talking about, I dont interrupt and let him find the point when he can....but I am heartbroken that I can't reach him, heartbroken that he now considers our dog (the dog he picked from the rescue group) a "distraction", heartbroken that my husband is no longer excited about building a family (after years of fertility testing, failed IVF) and I dont know what to do to help.....what am I doing wrong? What am I missing?

[ng24]

I am sure that I will get a lot of flack for this answer but here goes. If you don’t have any children, get out of the marriage. If you’re dealing with this now, it’s only going to get worse when you add kids to the mix. You will feel like the only adult and the pressure is on you to do everything.

Good luck

[MEDICHI in reply to ng24]

This is the kindest advice I can imagine from what the OP says.

[JenniferG17 in reply to ng24]

No flack - and I know my concerns are not "new" or "unique"... appreciate the opinion

[BlueDaydreamer]

I think if he is unwilling to go to a counselor, then you are stuck at the mercy of his obsession. I am so sorry you are going through this. I don't know much about OCD, but I have to agree, if he has turned on the dog how long will it be before he decides you are a distraction. You might talk to his counselor to get a referral to another counselor who has dealt with some of his issues, or all of them. They might be able to give you a plan of action. But I agree that bringing a child into the situation would not be good. Since you very much want a child you might end up resenting him. And it doesn't seem like you have a mutual relationship right now, you are doing all of the work on your relationship. And if he improves for awhile, what about when it happens again? If you adopt a child and then he gets obsessed with something again, how will your child feel? When Daddy no longer cares for the child? I am really sorry to say this, it must be so heartbreaking! Take care! 🤗giving you a virtual hug!