Filter and sensitivity control help

[Lovinit]

Growing up with my family no one had a filter and no one was sensitive to each other’s feelings. We didn’t talk feelings.

I have my first roommate since October. He’s 34 I’m 38. He doesn’t do any chores his room is a mess he doesn’t throw anything away but I don’t care about his room unless it start stinking out into the hall. I care about him doing his share of the chores and I didn’t ask he do everything I do I just started with 2 things to do. I want to blow up on him! I doing everything I can not to. If I parochial him about it kindly with sensitivity he right away become defensive. He says he does things that he doesn’t do so often I feel like he believes what he’s saying and it’s completely not true. What do I do? I’m thinking I want to tell him that if he can’t do his part of the chores I will have to and I will have to charge him $50 more a month. What do you guys think? And any advice for me on how to reply when he starts talking out of his ass. He won’t take responsibility for what he’s doing or not doing. He denies everything and he claims to do so much. I’m not exaggerating. After 3 months I asked if he would take the garbage out to the dumpster. He didn’t know where the dumpster was

[dgs2018]

So this is your first roommate who is renting a room from you. It doesn't sound like an easy situation, but I'm assuming you didn't have a talk before he moved in, nor do you have anything in writing either. Then maybe you need to tell him his options: Either do some chores or raise his rent $50 a month. Any reasonable person would choose to do some chores. He's in denial about what he's (not) doing. I would come up with the chores you really want/need him to do and list them. It's not going to be comfortable.

Anybody else with some input here ?

[Lovinit in reply to dgs2018]

Yes this is all true. Thanks for your input. It helps me visualize myself going though the motions of talking to him. I feel like when I talk to him now I can feel calm and speak simply to him and not become emotional and frustrated. Thank you again I like what you said

[donbasally]

I agree with dgs2018.

Be prepared for conflict.

It sounds like this roommate of yours may struggle with other mental/behavioral issues. You may want to prep him my scheduling a meeting with him to talk about "responsibilities and rent." Don't talk about it again until the meeting. Bring a list of expectations, discuss it, ASK FOR HIS IMPUT (that'll help him take ownership), then give him the options:

1) Do chores

2) Pay you to do chores

3) Find a new residence in 30 days.

Seriously, if he can't be reasonable he needs to go.

Let us know how it pans out!

[Lovinit in reply to donbasally]

Yeah, but right now the money is more important to me than him being a perfect roommate and I don’t think I’ll ever find a perfect roommate. All in all I was complaining about him he’s not the worst I could say that I’m sure there’s a lot worse he’s quiet he doesn’t party or have a lot of friends over and he does pick up after himself. He’s just really lazy about helping me with the chores like and his room stinks kind of. I kind of feel sorry for him. I try talking to him yesterday and he got all defensive and said he cleans all the time and he listened to things he did he remove the lint from the dryer he swept once and he took the trash out once last week. The last time he did any of those things it was about a month ago month and a half. And his sweeping takes 30 seconds. Yesterday afternoon he said he would take out the recycling and he would clean up the couple spots on the tile in the kitchen I told him do use the wet swiffer mop and get that whole area by the stove and sink and said he just wiped up the two spots to big spots and left all the other spots on the floor. Thanks for let me vent I guess I’m just gonna have to show him every time how to do it and I don’t know

[donbasally in reply to Lovinit]

It's true, we must choose which battles we will fight and which we will let slide. Hopefully, you won't resent each other too much.

[Lovinit in reply to donbasally]

Because of this guy I am and have been since he moved in I been practicing patience. I feel better when I look at this situation as personal growth for myself be a better person

[hammock_lvr]

I’m worried he’s taking advantage of the situation so I am all for the $50. And if he may negotiate, start higher. My roommate situations were challenging but I was younger and always with women. Never had this particular thing but I don’t like that he’s misrepresenting his true actions. Maybe get a white board with a chart like I have for my kids? I think you’re awesome to let him rent a room and he should be more grateful or at least gracious.

Perhaps I’m venting about people in my life? I feel the projection leaping out of my thumbs as I type. Lol. In all seriousness (kinda sorta) Been doing a lot of soul searching about how I have not stood up for myself, I never learned how to. Does that make any sense at all?

Been a while since you posted, hope it’s better!

K

[Lovinit in reply to hammock_lvr]

I like it, thank you for writing, it’s the best to let it out, I hear you. Last night the he slipped in as he was telling me all the cleaning up he was doing he said he mopped last week, I just didn’t say anything because I didn’t feel like battling someone who not going to be honest. I mopped last week twice. For the most part he cleans up after himself and I think he thinks that’s all he should have to do. Come on. Houses need dusting vacuuming mopping, etc.

on to a different topic I had to put my 12 year old Rottweiler Hooch down yesterday. He couldn’t walk and the vet said he’s in a lot of pain.

[hammock_lvr in reply to Lovinit]

I have started a part time job and go thru weeks of not being on this site. I’m sorry I didn’t get back on sooner.

I hope your roommate has been sensitive or helpful. Take care...