Hey,
So, I've been trying to figure out what to say, what is important, and I feel incapable.
Best to start simple. I'm 36, and feel a failure. 100s of ideas and unstarted projects litter my mind. My wife wants me to finish my work, find what makes me happy and do it. Find a goal and do it.
I don't know that i really have a goal. School was a struggle to pass, but i did. I did go to college, all and all a good experience, aside from the financial nightmare it's left me in.
It helped make me who i am, but still was a struggle to pass, but i did.
That was 2006. I feel like I've been rudderless ever since. I've gotten married, settled down, tried to do work... Like adults do.
As usual for myself i have felt my failing. Falling back on usual thoughts of just being lazy, and not trying hard enough.
Roughly 4 years ago, a therapist i was finally seeing, after trying to deal with esteem and anxiety issues asked me if I'd ever been tested for ADHD?
No... I hadn't
A discussion of my history, and a history discussion with my wife and the doctor perscribes me some Adderall.
The effect was almost immediate. And i was amazed! I thought i could take on the world! Where was this all my life? 32 and only now i am getting something that helps.
But that was it. I reached a point where i learned that my medication is of course not a cure. My focus is easier directed, but my thoughts still wonder, my emotions will wash me down hills of pointless spirals if I'm in a bad place. And when my meds wear off, or if i forget to get my prescription or i can't afford the price tag, i am back...
What do i want? I want connection. I want to feel less alone. To find what i need, what i have neglected, or what i was never told or taught.
Decades of negative self talk to unlearn. Realizing that my brain is wired this way. What "should work", and all the "trying harder" in the world will not change my biology. Let's just say it's been slow going.
But I want to find what i need to take steps forward. Share, and talk to others.
Thanks.